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Chapter 18 Improving our family emotional intelligence (1)
how to express love better

In this chapter, we focus on the formation and maintenance of family emotional intelligence.Everyone cannot do without a happy family, including our lovers, relatives, friends and so on.Our ability to deal with these people is not only a matter of our thoughts, but also of our character and long-established habits.

Many "rude" people who are blamed by their relatives or lovers actually have a kind and delicate character; some people who are passionate in their hearts are often mistaken by their wives for abandoning their families and being inhuman careerists.This can often be seen in life. Lack of family emotional intelligence and corresponding handling methods will make people very passive and become people living in the "crack" between career and family.It is difficult for them to coordinate the relationship between the two, and they sigh "I am not understood".

However, if you understand the following methods, you can alleviate such distress.

The art of confession

Before a person reaps love, the saddest hurdle is to confess and pour out his heart.This is because confession is not as simple as people expressing "I love you" to the person they love deeply, and the other party readily agrees.On the contrary, a confessor needs to plan fully in advance and express his love subtly in an appropriate way, so as to impress the other party's heart.It can be said that confession is an art, but also a quality of intelligence.Perhaps, we call confession an art, which will make many people who are eager to confess more afraid of it.In the eyes of many people, art is usually very esoteric and difficult for ordinary people to master.In fact, confession is difficult to say, and easy to say, the difference lies in how you imagine and understand it.

We know that confession varies from person to person, passionate people are suitable for straightforward confession, while shy and introverted people are suitable for expressing love in a subtle and euphemistic way.In short, as long as you find an expression that suits your temperament, it is not difficult to impress your lover, and it is not a problem to get his understanding.

Generally speaking, those extroverts are good at expressing love to each other, and they are also enthusiastic and bold when expressing their love, so it is relatively easy for them to express their love.And introverted people, although they love each other deeply and long for love, it is difficult for them to speak and express their deep affection, so it is very difficult for them to confess.

I understand very well the uneasy, hesitant and suppressed emotions of introverts before confessing.In this case, they need to use humor to fuel the flames and break the mystery.However, the humorous confession I am talking about here is not ordinary witticism, or deliberately exaggerated and funny.If you only understand humor to this level, it means that your emotional intelligence needs to be improved.Just imagine, a person who is usually stable and generous, suddenly pops up some witty words when confessing his love, or shows a different exaggerated behavior, which will not bring fresh happiness to the other party, but will surprise the other party. Overwhelmed - like those inexplicable behaviors we often experience when we are young.

In fact, the humor that a person should embody when expressing his confession should be a clever combination of wisdom and taste.The effect of this kind of humor is intriguing but not offensive, but can win the other party to smile.

There was a boy who especially liked a girl, and the girl had also admired the boy for a long time.However, this boy is an introverted person. Although he likes her very much, he has been unable to find a way to express it.Later, he finally had an idea.

The boy seized the opportunity and said to the girl: "You know, I fell in love with a girl. She is very beautiful. There is no one more beautiful than her in the world. I like her very, very much."

After hearing this, the girl was a little overwhelmed, and she asked the boy anxiously, "Who is she?" The boy said, "Let me show you her picture, you must know her." Then, he took out a The exquisite little box said: "Her picture is inside." The girl hurriedly took it, opened it, and there was no picture of the girl inside, but a small mirror.Seeing her own face in the mirror, she suddenly realized, and then smiled happily.Do you know now?The boy is Max, and the girl is his wife Jenny.Marx's way of expressing his love is unexpected, which not only highlights his humor and wisdom, but also gives Yanni a great sense of surprise and freshness, making their love full of romance.This kind of humorous confession can not only relieve the uneasiness of the confessor, but also make the other party feel happy and easy to accept.Although it doesn't express the enthusiasm directly in the heart, it has tenderness and warmth.

For everyone, before confessing to the person you love deeply, don't worry about the way of confessing. The important thing is to learn to express your own wisdom and taste when confessing. This is a manifestation of high EQ.When you ignore the confession skills and incorporate your sincerity and humor into the confession, you will find that you have truly mastered the art of confession.

Life can be dull, but love can't
When love enters marriage, the passion of love gradually fades.This is almost an ironclad rule.We know that the divorce rate is getting higher and higher, not only in European and American societies, but also in mainland China.In fact, the reason for many divorces is not that there is no love, but that the emotional intelligence of both husband and wife is not high, and they do not know how to express love to each other correctly and carry out ordinary emotional communication.This is the most important factor.If both husband and wife have more IQ and EQ, many bad things that we cannot accept will not happen.

For example, in a family, the last emotions a husband and wife should express are complaints and doubts.When the husband gets off work at 6 o'clock and comes home at 10 o'clock, a wife with low emotional intelligence will definitely ask angrily, "Where did you come back so late? Tell me clearly!" She directly suspected that her husband had done What a shameful thing.This question will arouse the husband's resentment, and a "family war" will break out immediately.

But on the other hand, if she says something like this: "Honey, have you eaten yet? I'm going to heat up the food." At this time, even if there is nothing wrong with the husband, he will feel guilty.Not only will the husband not quarrel, on the contrary, he will take the initiative to explain to his wife why he is late.In this way, the husband and wife will enhance their relationship because of mutual trust and make the family more harmonious.

If husband and wife focus more on humorous and witty communication, the period of mutual attraction between husband and wife can be extended, which is often referred to as the "preservation period" in China.

Bernard Shaw's wife was a beautiful actress.He once asked his wife: "You are so beautiful, how could you marry an ugly old man like me?" His wife replied humorously, "I hope that our combination will focus on our children, who are as smart as you , as pretty as me."

The humor of Bernard Shaw's wife is a manifestation of high emotional intelligence. She not only avoided the embarrassment of both parties, but also praised her husband in a tactful way.This kind of praise is a successful expression of love.

However, few people have noticed the importance of this approach in real life.Due to the busyness of work and life, or the slow fading of passion in married life, many people seldom express their love and emotional communication to their lovers.This is almost a common problem among modern urbanites.

After getting married for a long time, the "sweet" life during the love period was slowly replaced by the heavy pressure of life and work, and the relationship gradually entered a flat period.But we all know that life cannot be normal forever. After a long time, conflicts and dissatisfaction are suppressed by inertia, and it is like a harbinger of a big storm. A happy family is torn apart.That is to say, ordinary family life is actually slowly accumulating "power of destruction". Many mutual dissatisfaction in life will accumulate in this depressive atmosphere, and they will vent all their brains when they encounter opportunities, destroying the relationship between two people. The emotional foundation set off a stormy sea.

In fact, many people are also eager to express and communicate, hoping to live a more romantic life.It's just that after they get married, they don't say "I love you" like they did when they were in love. If they do that, it will make them feel nasty (this is a normal thinking).

If you need to make a change, here are a few ways you can communicate better with your loved ones.

1. Leave an unexpected note

Put a note on the front of the refrigerator and leave a note next to the breakfast, which will give your lover an unexpected surprise and make them feel very warm.If your life has become so busy and you find that the schedule is rarely filled with activities for you and your loved ones, why not try to surprise them by leaving a note somewhere?

Couples can also treat leaving notes as a game, leaving a note on the refrigerator door, on the pillow, or on the computer screen.You compete who posts the most hidden places and whose posts are the hardest to be found.Life is actually made up of little things, just like the sea is made up of small water droplets, if the sea is churning, it will not be the power of a small water drop.

2. Hugs
There is great power in body language, and a hug can put a sweet smile on a loved one's face.Whether it's cuddling on the couch with your lover, or letting your child fall asleep peacefully in your arms, giving them a hug is the perfect way to express your love for them, and it's easy to increase the depth of your relationship.

3. Write love poems

Maybe you will think that such a routine is too nasty, but if you really do it with your heart, you will find that everything is worth it.You don't have to be Shakespeare when it comes to writing love letters, just find genuine and original ways to express your love.It should be noted that try not to use those relatively vulgar words, you should write something meaningful, such as how charming she is when she smiles.

How can the other party not be moved by such a sentence?Because you are describing and praising her, don't be stingy with your few words. When it's time to write, you must express it bravely and give full play to your imagination.

4. Prepare an unexpected gift
When you were in love, you gave gifts to your lover. After you got married, did you gradually forget these things?If so, you need to act quickly to get back the lost surprise.

5. Listen
It's easy to chat with people you are interested in, talk about news or talk about hobbies.Two people have been married for a long time, and it seems difficult to sit down and chat with their lover.At this time, you need to make a change. When your lover wants to talk to you, you should stop what you are doing, focus on it, listen to what she wants to express, and understand what she cares and worries about. Or something she really likes.Even if you just make some eye contact to show that your attention is here, she will feel that you care about her very much. This is a very necessary way of expression and communication.

Become a master at resolving family conflicts
Almost all families have contradictions, and a truly harmonious and perfect family life does not exist.Because two people living together for a long time will definitely encounter unpleasant things.It is not terrible to have conflicts and frictions in the family. Husband and wife should raise awareness and use correct methods and proactive attitudes to resolve conflicts.

If two people have low emotional intelligence, are not good at resolving conflicts, and make the conflicts unmanageable, resentment will arise spontaneously, which will bring great misfortune to family life.

I have prepared some suggestions for you to resolve family conflicts:

let go of your knots
In family life, both husband and wife will have some knots, which come from those requirements that should not be there.For example, a wife may think that her husband should use his own efforts to let her live in a good house, and the in-laws should help her take care of the children.If the other party can't do it, she will be very angry, thinking that her family is sorry for her.In fact, there is no responsibility and obligation between family members and husband and wife to do certain things for each other.If others have done these things for you, you should sincerely thank them; if they did not do these things, you should also understand and respect each other frankly.

As a family member, you should wholeheartedly appreciate what your family has done for you, and let go of your excessive and unreasonable demands frankly.When you do this, you will find that life has more to offer you than you ever imagined.Happiness does not come from material satisfaction, but from peace and quiet of the mind.

be yourself

In my opinion, most of the crux of family conflict is that we demand too much from others and cannot be responsible for our own actions.In many conflicting families, we see that one party is always picking on the other party, and even actively attacking the other party. At the same time, this picking and attacking is also crowned with high-sounding rhetoric such as "caring", "protecting" and "responsible for you". .This is not responsible for one's own behavior, which is a manifestation of extremely low individual emotional intelligence.

If you want to resolve family conflicts, you must first be yourself, which is easier and more effective than trying to change others.You have to control your words and deeds, respect others first, and then they will respect you.

Recognize that anger is a normal emotion

I can tell you for a fact that even a loving couple is bound to have jealousy, annoyance and anger.So, getting angry between couples is a normal emotion, and you don't have to panic when these emotions come your way.You need to understand that just because your spouse won't be affectionate with you all the time, and just because he or she gets angry every now and then doesn't mean he or she has "lost feelings."

Maybe your spouse is depressed because of your boss or work, and the other party may not be enthusiastic about you, or even actively alienate you.This temporary unhappiness is not your fault, nor is it his fault.

You can ask: "Honey, did I make you angry?" If the answer is no, you can continue to say: "So, can I share your worries?" Enough processing space.During this period of time, you allow the other party to be angry occasionally, and your active greeting is the best comfort for the other party.

Resist those "hopeless" impulses in your heart
In every case of divorce, we can find that there are many places worth nostalgic in marriage.If both parties can retain a little more hope, their marriage can be saved, and they will even live happily and harmoniously in the future.

Some people with low family EQ don't realize this at all.In their view, it is better to find a new love than to spend a lifetime with a person who has no hope.Not only that, they think that finding a new spouse is an easy task, and the new couple must have advantages that the old one does not have.That's why a man compliments his new girlfriend by saying, "I can tell her many things, but I can't tell my wife."

why?This is because you and your girlfriend have no old traumatic rifts, no topics you want to avoid.In fact, this does not mean that she has advantages that your wife does not have.After a while, you will likely find that she is no different from your wife.

In fact, choosing another spouse does not eliminate family conflicts - if you divorce and start a new marriage, it is only to avoid quarrels and conflicts.I have met many remarried people who have said to me regretfully, "If I had known this, I would have cherished my life with my first spouse."

you have to change yourself
When dealing with family conflicts, being impulsive is wrong.People with low EQ tend to go ahead and compete with their partners or relatives, not to fight for your inferiority; people with high EQ will take the initiative to change themselves.It is not easy to do this, because changing yourself requires a fierce ideological struggle, and it means admitting that you are wrong.But if you have the courage to do so, you can break the deadlock of silence and confrontation.

My friend encountered such a thing.A woman complained to him about her husband: "My husband and I never quarrel. It's not that he's great, but we don't have much love anymore. He comes home from work, eats dinner, watches TV , and go to bed. We’ve been living this way for years, and it’s a numb state, and it’s not what I want.”

"Then do you still love him?" the friend asked. "Of course," she replied, with tears in her eyes, "but I don't think he loves me anymore. He treats me very coldly, like a log, with no interest."

The friend then asked: "Then think about it, why does he go home on time every night instead of spending his time elsewhere? Perhaps, he hopes that one day, something will rekindle the fire of your love. If dinner After that, you put on what he likes and sit next to him, so what? Have you tried it?"

"No, I'm sure he'll laugh at me and mock me," said the woman.But she did as her friend told her to—she decided to take a gamble.

A few days later, my friend received a letter from the woman: "It turned out that unexpectedly, he didn't laugh at me, we reconciled, no, to be precise, we found our former passion!"

develop a spirit of humility

Many people think in their home life, "I'm right!" This may be due to the fear of losing their authority in the family, so they assume a certain tall or tough posture.In fact, you won't be able to keep love and affection fresh if you think you're right about everything.

To resolve conflicts between loved ones and loved ones, most people have to learn to say, "I'm sorry, it was my fault, I didn't think of this, thank you for reminding me," instead of thinking that I am right.Two people who live together will always contradict each other and make mistakes.

If you don't want to hurt the other person's self-esteem and want to solve the problem, learn to apologize, even if there are times when you really didn't do anything wrong.

have patience

(End of this chapter)