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Chapter 16 Breaking through emotional barriers (2)
As is the case with many things, when you believe that you can give your best performance, you will find that your self-confidence will increase and you will indeed be able to perform better.Once you lack self-confidence and stop trying, that's when you totally fail.Therefore, those who lack self-confidence in their hearts have less chance of self-affirmation and less chance of success.

This shows that in the face of difficulties, you must not only learn to be confident, but also learn to reflect on yourself.You have to discover your current problems and make timely adjustments and changes.

People with high emotional intelligence are able to make changes through self-reflection and escape from lonely situations.They constantly reflect on themselves and make changes, from suspicion to trust, from self-doubt to self-confidence, from following to leadership, from incompetence to competence, from isolation to collaboration, from despair to hope.

This is not only a kind of ability, but also a kind of human freedom.On the contrary, people with low EQ not only cannot clearly see the shortcomings of their own personality, but also cannot know themselves from different angles and evaluate themselves objectively. Therefore, they have no self-knowledge and cannot correctly position themselves.

They buried their self-confidence and courage, and their hearts were dark.For this reason, they are closed and lonely, and cannot handle the relationship around them well.Therefore, their chances of success and happiness are not great.

Build a bridge for good emotional communication

When you need to communicate with someone, you need a bridge to connect you with him, approach each other, and enter each other's heart.If two people stand far apart and look at each other, the difficulty of communication can be imagined.Trust is the strongest bridge when we communicate emotionally. Without this bridge, we cannot transmit information to each other.

In the emotional exchange between two people, trust is the best lubricant.If there is a lack of trust between two people, it is like tearing down a bridge in the middle of a river. Two people stand on both sides of the river, far apart, unable to approach, vigilant and defensive.

At this time, even if you try your best to communicate with the other party with the greatest sincerity, the effect will be completely different, and the description will become darker and darker.

Husband Zhang Sheng heard a text message from his wife's mobile phone, and he tried his best to know what the content of the text message was, but he didn't want his wife to delete the message immediately.This move by his wife naturally aroused Zhang Sheng's suspicion. He immediately questioned his wife, but the other party refused to disclose the content of the text message.

Then, the couple fought violently, and Zhang Sheng tried to ignite gasoline to commit suicide, but both of them were burned at the same time.

Let's not talk about what the content of the text message is, a small mobile phone text message can actually trigger a war between husband and wife, resulting in a tragedy for both sides, which is embarrassing.This also shows that the two people seriously lack trust, and emotional rifts have appeared.

It wasn't text messages that ruined their happiness, but the suspicion and inferiority buried in his heart.He decided that his wife was having an affair or was hiding something from him, which is a sign of hurt self-confidence and possessiveness.

In real life, there are many similar things.A couple or husband and wife who were originally very loving, because of suspicion, mutual mistrust, the relationship broke down, and the two even turned against each other.

Such incidents can be seen a lot in my consulting and emotional intelligence training cases.

In 2008, Mr. Du, a Chinese American, opened a company after more than ten years of hard work and thrift in the United States.He finally gained a foothold in the United States and got a green card.Just when he was about to enjoy his life, he divorced his wife.The court awarded all the property to his wife because he was at fault.

People are curious, what caused this great change?Mr. Du himself regretted it.After he got rich, he once suspected that his wife was unfaithful to him, so he used his money to go out and squander it.What about the evidence?He felt that his wife always went out to play cards, left early and returned late, and did not spend time and energy at home. What he needed was a woman who could take care of the family.

"Since you don't love me anymore, why should I be loyal to you if you treat me like this?" With this in mind, Mr. Du began to "revenge".He found a lover outside and lived a life of one husband and two "wives".Finally one day, his behavior was exposed.The wife went to court and insisted on a divorce.After the investigation by the local court and the testimony of his wife's family and friends, Mr. Du realized that he had wrongly blamed his wife: she disappeared from time to time during that time to take care of his family members who were sick and hospitalized.In order not to affect his career, his wife did not tell him.Instead of choosing trust and understanding, he went to the other extreme.

This is the tragedy of mistrust.If there is no trust between two people, and the interest in communication is gone, how can we talk about emotional harmony and mutual understanding?Such an outcome is inevitable.

I heard another story last year at Harvard Business School.A pair of American couples had a big fight in a cafe because of a late date. One suspects that the other has a new love without telling him, and has long wanted to break up with him.During the fight, the girl stabbed her lover to death with a fruit knife.The results of the police investigation proved that all of this was nothing but an emotional tragedy caused by the suspicion of two people.

The reason why these results appear is that the two parties lack trust and cannot obtain normal emotional communication.In fact, trust can not only solve specific problems, but also is the driving force for people to be good, a bridge for spiritual communication, the basis for a harmonious relationship between two people, and the driving force for happiness.

You choose to trust the other party, not asking you to give selflessly.In a larger sense, you are expressing your mind and realm of life, so that many problems and troubles can be easily solved.

In the field of emotion, trust is an emotion that comes from the heart.Loving someone means giving them your wholehearted trust, and you have to take the initiative to build a strong bridge.If you can't trust the other party at all, it means that you don't really love him, and there is no need to doubt the other party in the name of love and let him lose himself under your control.It sounds paradoxical, but it is practical and necessary.We cannot deny that in today's society, absolute "purity" is rarely seen.Online dating, extra-marital affairs, one-night stands, etc. There are many things.Therefore, many people will adopt some extraordinary measures in order to keep their beloved ones tighter.

For example, when a person suspects the other party, he will quietly investigate his whereabouts, tap his phone, peek at his information and chat records, etc., and use "absolute control" to make himself feel safe.The result of doing this is to make the insecurity even stronger.You demolished the bridge, thinking he was trapped inside and couldn't get out, but you will find that you can't walk over by yourself.

Let's think about it carefully, if the other party really deviates from you intentionally, can you stop it through these?If two people who love each other don't trust each other and make each other live in disappointment and anger, even if he never changes his mind, he will eventually leave you.

Of course, unconditional trust in a lover does not require us to let him go, but to express your trust in a positive way, and to give appropriate care, understanding and support.In this way, the feelings of both parties can be effectively communicated.That is to say, no matter how close they are, they still need to leave a sufficiently loose space for the other party.

How to manage your words, actions and thoughts
A person who is good at managing his own words, deeds and thinking can more easily break through the barriers of inner feelings and become a rational and tolerant person.People who are good at managing themselves have the ability to control their emotions and release them reasonably, that is, they have excellent self-awareness.He was able to handle sudden episodes of sadness without being obsessed with them, and he was empathetic and knew how to get along with others.

The premise of self-management is to know oneself correctly.In order to make it easier for everyone to know ourselves, we might as well do the following test.You have to answer a question:
"What are my strengths?" I think, very few people can give a clear answer quickly.Because it is difficult for most people to correctly recognize their own strengths, he needs to seek feedback from people around him and analyze it in order to discover his true strengths and work hard to improve these strengths.While discovering our strengths, we also need to find those places that hinder us from using our strengths and get rid of them.

In a conversation with a woman, we went through a profound process of self-knowledge together. "What are my strengths? Sometimes I doubt whether I have any strengths." "And then?" "I have low self-esteem in front of him, and my behavior is not confident enough, so I am always in a state of tension. I like to quietly watch his Texting, keeping an eye on his whereabouts outside. I care about him, and if I lose him, I will not be able to bear the consequences. Over time, I found myself becoming an emotional control freak, and I got more and more deeply into his life, Make him step back."

"Have you guys started arguing?" "Yes, there were two serious crises within a year, almost divorced." "Then, think about what you are proud of."

"I'm smart and empathetic. Everyone said that in college, and I thought so for a while. I can quickly understand what the other person really wants to express. Maybe this is my advantage?"

"Of course, there is no advantage worth showing off more than this. So, since your heart is so sensitive, why not be more tolerant? You should make good use of these advantages."

Through step-by-step questioning and self-analysis, the lady answered this question.She found the right answer, which is what we asked our first question to ourselves.

Next, we want to answer the second question: "What is my way of doing things?" Everyone has their own unique way of doing things.Regardless of any issues we consider, work, emotion, or entertainment, we will have a favorite angle and entry point. We have our own standpoint and unique views on things.Moreover, these characteristics are quite different from others.For example, in terms of learning, some people like to be "readers", while others like to be "listeners". "Readers" like to read written materials, while "listeners" are used to listening to oral reports.The same is true for the way of doing things. For example, some people are good at teamwork, some people are used to fighting alone, some people are good at being the leader, and some people are used to being the deputy.

This is even more so in emotional terms.When you face emotional disputes, you always have a perspective of thinking that affects the results you draw.Some people are used to shirk responsibility and attribute their faults to the other party, without any fault on their own; some people like to reflect and can put themselves in the other party's shoes.These two different ways lead to very different styles of doing things.

There was a man who comforted his wife immediately after a quarrel, analyzed his mistakes, and promised not to make them again next time.The wife laughed through tears, and the two got back together.

Another man continued to accuse his wife after beating her. The wife couldn't take it anymore and ran away from home. As a result, a car accident happened on the road, and a happy family fell into a disaster.

There is such a huge disparity in the impact of the behaviors produced by the two ways of thinking on emotions and happiness.We discuss this specific way of thinking and doing things, not asking yourself to answer these questions, but telling you a realistic and rational direction: only after you find a clear answer, and then take action, can you do things according to your habits Ways to obtain the understanding of the other party, maintain and manage a relatively harmonious emotional relationship.The third question: "What are my values?"

Everyone has his own values, even if he is a beggar living on the streets of Washington or Beijing, he also has his own indestructible values.He must have faith, even though you don't know it, and don't even want to listen.

In terms of relationships, if you meet someone with conflicting values, you will definitely not be happy.If you don't know your own values ​​and don't want to communicate and compromise with the other person's values, your relationship will be very unstable and you won't even be able to get together.

(End of this chapter)