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Chapter 15 Breaking through emotional barriers (1)
understand the source of your emotions

Do you know what you want?Many people can quickly answer this question, but I can tell you that sometimes our instinctive answers are not accurate.

There is a man who has been stuck in confusion about marriage for a long time.He said to me: "I hope to get my wife's understanding, but I find that she doesn't understand me, my career, pursuit, and the work I am doing, she can't give me space, and this is what I need most .”

Based on this understanding, he has a strong dissatisfaction with his wife.He believes that his values ​​​​in life cannot be understood by his wife.He wants his marriage to be based on common life pursuits, and he wants his wife to perfectly match him, which is his source of emotion.But what is the truth?

After a period of communication (or cold war), his wife said to him: "I don't complain about you because of your attitude towards career, I think you should devote some energy to enjoying family life, because Is the basis of happiness, you work so hard, isn't it exactly what you want to get? Otherwise, what is the meaning of life?"

The sources of human emotions are multi-directional, and we use countless excuses to prevaricate the questioning of "the one who loves us", which will lead to conflicts between the two parties.In fact, if you can let go of your inner stubbornness and break through the barriers created by selfishness, you can understand that sometimes what you think others don't understand is just yourself being too emotionally closed.If you can get out of the castle you built, be willing to pay attention to the other person's dreams and values, and find what you have in common, happiness will increase a lot and confusion will decrease accordingly.

Check out the story below:

A young man came to Muhammad to ask what it meant to be successful in life.

Muhammad did not immediately answer his question, but asked him: "Young man, tell me, what do you want in life?"

The young man was puzzled by this question, and Muhammad reminded: "What do you want from life? Such as happiness, wealth, status..."

Embarrassed, the young man said, "I want to be healthy, happy and... of course, rich. Don't everyone want those things?"

"Yes, because most people are like this, so few people are happy, healthy and prosperous," Mohammad explained.Young people can't understand.So Muhammad went on to say, "If you don't know what to look for in life, how are you going to find it?"

"As I said just now, I want to be healthy, happy and rich," the young man insisted.

Mohammad said, "These words are vague, exactly, and they don't mean anything. Like, what does it take to be rich? How much money do you have to earn to be called rich?"

The young man seemed to understand what Muhammad meant, he thought for a while and said, "I need twice as much money as my current salary to feel rich." "This is just the beginning, you must have more requirements, tell me. ’ Mohammed asked with a smile.The young man then proposed that he wanted a house without the burden of a loan.In addition, he requested a car of his own.When Muhammad asked him what kind of house and car he wanted, the young man couldn't tell for a while.After further consideration, he figured out that the house he wanted was a two-story building with a small garden, in which there was a study room, a small dining room, a large bedroom and a living room.The best location of the house is on the east side of the city, because that is the commercial center of the city.

"Okay! Now you are getting clearer." Muhammad affirmed, "But do you think you can afford this by earning twice as much as your current salary?" "Of course not." The young man Laughed, "Even if I earn five times more money than I am now, I can't afford such an expensive house."

"So that's the case. Why did you say just now that you would feel rich if you earn twice as much money?" Faced with such a question, the young man admitted frankly that he hadn't thought about it seriously.

Muhammad said: "You know your contradictions now. Many people say like you that they want to be rich, but they rarely take the time to think carefully about what they want and why. Before getting riches , you have to think these things through. Finding out what you really want, down to the smallest detail, is a necessary process for success and happiness. So, having a clear It’s not enough to wish, you have to know why, and know how to get there, to really help you.”

From this story, you will find that many of us, like this young man, have thought of many things and perceived the ideal direction, as if this is the source of emotion for us to live a positive life.However, most people seem to have no idea, can't understand, and can't think of the deepest problem.When many people say what they want, they can only give a general idea, and then force the people around them to understand themselves and cooperate with them unconditionally.

What exactly is his ideal, few people can clearly describe it.In other words, he cannot make a rational and appropriate judgment on whether his thinking is correct.

People with high emotional intelligence, on the other hand, can clearly articulate what they want and how to get it.He can also handle the needs of those around him well, and doesn't want loved ones to understand him.He also has a strong reflective spirit, able to let go of selfish thoughts, listen to the advice of others, and then correct his own misconceptions.

Therefore, improving emotional intelligence starts with understanding and judging your own needs.Our emotional sources generally fall into the following categories:
The basic satisfaction of basic necessities of life is the most basic emotional source.Pleasure from a personality match, or a good partnership (at work).Ideals and a sense of accomplishment, longing for support and corresponding space.The understanding and pursuit of happiness, the need for emotional communication.

Among these four types, people generally pursue the first three kinds of emotional satisfaction, while for the fourth type, they are habitually "self-centered" and unwilling to take care of the needs of others.This is a kind of selfish instinct barrier, but only by breaking through the shackles and shackles of instinct, knowing how to conduct emotional communication with mutual respect, and integrating the requirements of both parties, can you overcome this barrier and achieve happiness.

The same is true when dealing with disputes in relationships.Many people will be trapped by love. They say that they have been hurt by others, and they are trapped in a relationship that they cannot extricate themselves from.He can describe his pain in detail, but he can't explain why he hurts so much.Like the distressed man who blames his wife and makes a great picture of himself.In fact, they do not understand the source of their emotions.

If you want to break down the emotional barriers in your life, you must start by dissecting yourself.It is necessary for you to find your own type and analyze it in combination with the actual situation of your emotions. Only on this basis can you make reasonable and reasonable moves for the next step.

Get rid of emotional monopoly

Getting rid of emotional monopoly is one of the key points of emotional intelligence training.It helps us get rid of selfishness and other shortcomings that can easily control the mind. "Desire for monopoly" is one of human instincts.

First, if we want to get rid of the desire to monopolize feelings in our hearts, the first thing we must do is not to be greedy for any feelings.

You have to understand that nothing is destined to belong to you, even if you are full of longing, eager to get and satisfy your inner emotional needs.When someone doesn't love you and wants to leave you, you have to seriously ask yourself: Do I still love him (her)?
What most people think at this time is: "Why did he leave me? He can't leave me!" Then they are angry and wronged by this, so they don't let go.

The right thing to do is, if you find out you don't love him anymore, don't hold back and stalk him for poor ego (this will ruin your relationship and your image and make you worthless) .If you still love him, then you should hope that the other person will live a happy life, and hope that he will be with the person he really loves, instead of trying to stop him.

At this time, if you prevent him from getting real happiness, it means that you no longer love him, but some kind of hatred and abnormal emotions are at work, because no one has the right to blame and influence other people's choices.

When you weigh your inner feelings from two aspects, you will find that there is only one most correct choice: let go.Showing your generosity is the only way to win the respect of the other party.

In the face of love, you have to understand that love is not possession.The real relationship is that two people can stay together in hardships, experience every detail of life together, and have no extra requirements for each other.In this sense, our emotion is a quality that must be given, not a selfish psychology that only wants to get.

Second, when the relationship has been lost, we must face it calmly.

In other words, we have to face the misfortune of loss in our lives, which is a process that life is destined to face.Even if it dismembers our lives, even if it makes us exhausted and takes away the most precious things we have ever had, we must learn to accept it.Everyone is constantly losing, losing love, affection, and even the life of their loved ones.No matter what, you should say to yourself from the bottom of your heart after something happened: what is lost is gone, and what is lost can never be found.

Learn to accept the fait accompli, this is a noble quality.Conversely, if we wallow in the grief of loss, it only disqualifies you from continuing to live.You will be farther and farther away from happiness, abandoned and despised by others.In fact, people in reality care about what they lose, and keep their eyes on what they want. They don't allow any kind of emotion to escape from their hands, and they don't want to miss every bit of it.

So they live hard and painful lives.When someone expressed this pain to me, I told him: "Why don't you look at what you have already got? You already have a lot, and you are already very happy. What is it to lose this? Face it calmly. Losing not only makes us more open-minded, but also allows us to take a longer-term view."

I once heard such a story:
There was an old man who accidentally dropped a shoe he just bought from the window of the train. When all the passengers around felt sorry for it, the old man threw the remaining one down without hesitation.Facing everyone's puzzlement, the old man explained frankly:

"There is one shoe left, which is of no use to me. Throw it away, maybe someone who finds it can make a pair."

This old man is a model of facing loss calmly. His move did not increase his own loss, but benefited others.This is undoubtedly a wise choice, and it is also a manifestation of high emotional intelligence.

Not so with people with low EQ.They have a strong desire to possess, stubbornly insist on their own desires, and keep doing things that are not worth the candle.When they lost, instead of smiling, they yelled, "My God, what's going on! I can't take it!" In a training session, I told another story.

There was a miser who bought a box of matches when the power went out and it was dark.He was bored with a match to light a cigarette, but unfortunately the match fell to the ground.In an instant, he became anxious: what a pity to lose a match!So he picked up the box of matches and struck them one by one to find the match that fell on the ground.Eventually he found the dropped match, but he also struck a whole box of matches.

In order to get back one match, he lost all the matches.Although the story is a bit exaggerated, but some people in life are like this.Like this ridiculous miser, they are firmly controlled by possessiveness, making time-wasting efforts under irreversible circumstances, and they end up picking sesame seeds and losing watermelons.

In the face of feelings, whether we can calmly overcome our inner desire for monopoly will determine whether we will be happy in the future.If you are facing such troubles, the most important attitude you should take is not to continue to sigh, but to divert your attention to other interests and new life directions.

You can say to yourself, "Hey, what is this? It's out of my control. I just have to be myself. There's so much more I can do. What's happened, let it go!"

Learn to let go, and you will have happiness.

The abyss of loneliness
Happy love is something that is actively pursued, not just sitting around and waiting to get it.Therefore, if a person wants to obtain sweet love, he must find a way to get rid of loneliness.

I have met many "loners".They have a common feature: lack of self-confidence and courage, full of pessimism about the future, and think that plans and actions are meaningless.

Miss Levant came over from New Mexico, where she worked as a cashier at a local supermarket.Perhaps because of long-term professional needs, she has developed a habit of not being very talkative and expressive.She has a boyfriend—that's what she sees as a relationship, and they've been dating for six years, and she's still not sure if the man loves her, or just treats her like a friend.

They live in two places, meet two or three times a year, and usually communicate by phone and email.During these six years, she was careful not to touch the minefield, or even have a sexual relationship with him.

This shocked me, the first time I saw such a case.How much control does it take for a person to keep inner doubts and related thoughts locked away for six years?What is she worried or afraid of?
"Have you ever taken the initiative to discuss your relationship with him?" "No," she was sure. "What about him? Did he make love to you?"

Levante hesitated, she seemed unsure.She recalled the time for three to five minutes, and then said to me: "His work is very busy and he flies around every day. He works in Microsoft's Asian affairs department and often flies to Japan and China. Every time he travels, he will Keep talking to me. When we came back to the US, he came to ask me out for dinner. Right when we first met, he told me that I was the most important woman in his life, and never said anything else of."

"Ah, Miss Levant, it's very certain that he loves you. What evidence is needed for this?" Work, I am just an ordinary clerk in a supermarket, and the job is too different. I am not very beautiful, and my figure is not good. I am only a little over 1.6 meters tall, while he is 1.8 meters five..."

Before she finished speaking, I understood why.Levante shut himself in the room, not daring to clarify his feelings, only because of the disparity in their identities and statuses.She is very inferior, afraid to speak, and does not want to take the first step, go out bravely, and show her confusion to the other party.

In the emotional world, a person's autistic emotions and habits are usually formed in this way:

Fear of rejection, which would embarrass him.He couldn't accept the ending of failure because he was too eager for success.There are no bosom friends to confide in, and there are not many capable friends.Lack of self-confidence and related training, that is, proper expression skills.Too much attention is paid to gains and losses, and there is no way to enjoy the process calmly.

I told Miss Levant that if you are going to get out of this lonely and closed state, you have to regain your confidence and build your confidence.You have to believe that you can pursue some kind of happiness. Even if the results you get are not satisfactory, you have at least got a clear answer.

"For your future life, no matter what the result is, it will be beneficial, so don't be afraid and afraid of losing, boldly go to him to clarify the relationship, have a good talk with him, and ask him what he thinks about the relationship between you. "

Levante decided to give it a try.She was back home the next day and emailed me two weeks later to let me know she had a perfect result.When she generously expressed her love to her boyfriend and asked if he would marry her, the man was so excited that he burst into tears and took out a diamond ring that he had prepared a long time ago.

What if she continues to be autistic?All of this will not happen, and she will still live in the confusion of inferiority complex and the fear of loss, and she will be in constant anxiety all day long.

A Russian writer Chernyshevsky once said: "If a person always thinks: 'I can't do it', then he will definitely not be able to do it." This sentence clearly tells us that a person's Self-confidence is not innate, but gradually cultivated in the process of constantly overcoming difficulties.

No matter how strong you are, life will bring you all kinds of challenges, some you can easily overcome, and some you will have to struggle.Everyone will encounter difficulties and setbacks in their lives, which is a person's doomed fate.But, as a western philosopher said, God will not give all the luck to others, but bring all the misfortune to you.

As long as you don't close yourself in a small house and dare to face reality, you have a chance to win.The important thing is that you have the desire to win, let yourself take the first step, and have the courage to integrate into reality and use your hands to manage the future.

Therefore, when we face emotional setbacks, no matter what, you have to believe in yourself.Opening the window and walking out of the room may not be able to pick the flowers you want, but shutting yourself in the room is the worst choice.

MacArthur was extremely nervous the night before the entrance exam at West Point.His mother said to him: "If you are not nervous, you will pass the exam. You have to believe in yourself, otherwise no one will believe in you. Confidence comes first. Even if you fail, you have tried your best. There is nothing to regret." MacArthur followed his mother's teachings, and after the results were announced, he ranked first.

(End of this chapter)