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Chapter 14 Using EQ to Improve Influence and Social Circle (2)
To perform competently, the observer must examine all the information of the employee or the other party in all aspects.In fact, eloquence, or purely professional insight, is not the decisive factor in judging a person.We can also say that these superficial qualities are of little importance at all.

Some brilliant managers told me that they rely more on their keen sixth sense in terms of observation, using intuition and other implicit information to feel others and make final judgments.

In addition to body language and expressive skills, they also hope to grasp the real message of the other party through "non-verbal communication", keenly see the essence of the other party, and achieve clear and unmistakable recognition, observation and employment.

Question and answer skills

For the observation of people, questions and answers are very important, and questions and answers have always existed in harmony and unity.However, it doesn't mean that one question and one answer complement each other, and it can be concluded that the answerer is someone who fits your vision.Just like Richard's conversation with Husson, he didn't realize a possibility that was closer to the truth: Heson played Richard's preferences, made himself very talkative, and gained his favor.Richard also didn't get an epiphany from Hesson's exaggerated words and expressions: Is this person too abnormal?As a securities practitioner, does he lack some necessary rationality and calmness?
Unfortunately, Richard did not have a deep understanding of the principle that "the essence of question and answer is observation", so he made a mistake in judgment.

In the application of question and answer, managers should not only pay attention to the object, but also pay attention to the occasion of question and answer.Different objects and different occasions will lead to different ways of asking and answering, and the point of attention of observation will also change accordingly.For some people, you need to observe his eloquence, like first-line salesmen and counter staff; for some people, you need to pay attention to his mind, thinking ability, and innovative spirit; for others, you need to pay attention to his work attitude , Professionalism, whether it can bear hardships, and whether it can be persisted for a long time.Sometimes, we can focus on his body language; and sometimes, we need to pay more attention to the connotation and self-cultivation that he shows.

Talk less and observe more, because the bystander knows
Talking less and observing more is actually for us to speak better and to observe more closely.Those who are able to be in the leadership class often smile when they observe, and do not answer.They sometimes take a long time to say a word or ask a question, but they have already grasped a lot of real information in their observations.

This principle is especially important for people in an unfamiliar environment. When you have just arrived here, it is the most stupid behavior to speak and express yourself impatiently.You have to observe the interpersonal relationship, work process, business characteristics, and other hidden and unspeakable unspoken rules here.You not only need a pair of bright eyes, but also a wise heart.

What kind of people will be your allies, and what kind of people will be your rivals.Let yourself be a bystander first, and jump out of this environment, so that you can discover the boundaries and see their true intentions.In order to establish their own principles, so as not to make mistakes in judgment.

Use nonverbal behavior to interact
In this section, we focus on the analysis of "non-verbal" communication.When we communicate with people face to face, we often use language to communicate.The reason why successful people are successful is that in addition to having excellent oral expression skills, they also have extremely high emotional intelligence at the level of "non-verbal communication".

I often hear the following complaints from the participants in the training: "My report and introduction are very detailed, it was a perfect report, I didn't expect the boss to let me out." Another sales manager was furious Said: "The boss is duplicity. He promised to give me a reward at the end of the year, but it has not been fulfilled in the past three months."

why?There are many reasons, one of which is that you take your boss's word for it so much that you don't notice subtle changes in his body language.Sometimes your boss is interacting with you through non-verbal behavior, showing you his true intentions, but you don't see it.

For example, when the boss promises to give you a reward, he may be touching his chin as if he is thinking; Is your data analysis falsified, but out of face or caution, he doesn't tell you directly, but wants to observe for a while.

The act of nonverbal communication in communication is when we use body language instead of our mouth to convey information.It includes facial expressions, gestures, body contact (haptics), body movement (kinesiology), posture, accessories, jewelry, hairstyles, tattoos, intonation, timbre, and volume of one's voice (rather than the content of speech ) and other ways.When you feel that words are not enough to express the full meaning, you can use all the organs of your body as a bulletin board, and convey your thoughts, wishes and subtle emotions to the other party through your gestures, postures, facial expressions and body movements.

Through our survey, we found that more than 60% to 65% of interpersonal communication in the world belongs to "non-verbal behavior" rather than pure verbal communication.That is to say, in practical application, "will say"

It is often not as good as "will see".If you talk too much, it may not be as good as you observe the other person quietly for two to three minutes, observe his facial expressions and body language, and get a lot of real information from it.I think non-verbal behavior accounts for more than 3% of the importance of interpersonal emotional intelligence, and the other 80% of factors are not your language skills, but your professional knowledge.That is to say, what we say can be true or false, but "non-verbal" is the most authentic. It cannot deceive people, and it is even more direct and effective than verbal behavior.

When you are facing interpersonal communication, negotiating or facilitating a successful transaction, you must first learn to experience and observe to determine whether the other party's body language and facial expressions are consistent with his verbal expression.Of course, this is a superb judgment ability, which requires the accumulation of experience and time.

When interacting with others, we first determine the other person's baseline behavior

When you first meet a person, before the conversation begins, we need to make detailed observations and judgments about the other person's baseline behavior, and then start the subsequent conversation.You can observe their normal state, including sitting posture, the position of hands and feet, posture and facial expressions, the tilt of the head, and even the position and habits of putting their own things with them.The ultimate goal is that we need to distinguish which of their expressions and habits are normal, which is a stressful behavior, find the difference, and interpret the information.

1. The observation of eyebrows is particularly important.When the eyebrows of the other person are lowered, it means that he is fragile or insecure, or he is in a bad mood, feeling dissatisfied or angry.When the eyebrows are raised, it means that he is more confident, or is very interested in you, and is full of expectations for the communication between you.

2. Comforting facial expressions.Whistling is a behavior to appease one's nervousness; stroking hair and arranging clothes all represent inner uneasiness, or that he is a relatively reserved and shy person.

3. Tired sex.If the other person sits in front of you and yawns frequently, it seems that he is lacking in sleep. The fact is that he is under a lot of pressure, or he is not interested in you, and he only communicates with you for the purpose of coping.If he takes out his mobile phone to look at it from time to time, one may be that he is not focused enough on the conversation between you and finds it boring; two may be out of a kind of nervousness or habit, and you need to have a comprehensive understanding of him to interpret this behavior true intentions.

4. Catatonic behavior.Someone massaging their thighs and clasping their palms indicates that they are tense, or they may be trying to dry their sweaty palms from anxiety.Some people will walk back and forth aimlessly, or look out of the window and the ceiling (not daring to look at you); some people are always adjusting their sitting posture, and he feels that he can’t find the most suitable posture because he is too nervous up.

It should be noted that when observing others, you must be quiet and not let the other party notice.You not only need to see with your eyes, but also appreciate it with your heart.

Imitate the other party when necessary to establish a resonance basis for communication
You can imitate the behavior of the other person and make yourself look like him, so that he can relax and feel that you are "like people", which will facilitate subsequent communication.Imitation can be a certain movement, sitting posture, or some specific expressions, such as smiles and surprises, but do not converge to a large extent.For example, when he is nervous, you also make yourself neurotic, which will only make him feel ridiculous or even angry, thinking that you are mocking him in this way.

We can let him appreciate your kindness by imitating to some extent.This is the premise of communication and the basis of resonance.The expression of goodwill comes first from your understanding and tolerance of his nervousness or inferiority; secondly, from your own low-key and modesty.You have to make him think: "This is a very kind and interesting person. You don't have to be nervous to communicate with him. He comes with sincerity just like me."

This attitude is all the more necessary if your status is higher than his.Many people often inadvertently show their official positions or identities, thinking that this will make the other party take a high look, and they interact with the other party in a condescending and domineering manner.This is precisely what will cause serious harm to the other party, because all people will regard this as an act of attack and provocation.

Therefore, there is only one prerequisite for imitating the other party: put down your identity to elevate the other party and sincerely express your respect.

See the world and interpret yourself from the perspective of others

In the previous article, we mentioned "empathy" more than once and emphasized its importance many times.This is because high emotional intelligence shines among the many qualities.In emotional management, multi-angle consideration can help you understand the mistakes of employees and yourself, and establish emotional balance; in interpersonal communication and interaction, empathy can make up for the rift caused by conflicts between you and others.

The key to mastering this habit and quality is understanding. Knowing how to understand and making good use of understanding will greatly improve your judgment on interpersonal relationships.

Everyone needs to understand others, except for those failed "selfish ghosts" who are only used to thinking in their own shoes.So they are always "hurt" - not only from the counterattacks of others, but also from self-inflicted wounds.If a person always looks at the world with ego as the center, he lacks the knowledge and understanding of others, and is a passive and difficult opponent in terms of cooperation, which is disgusting.

There is only one solution for such people: jump out of themselves, look at the world and interpret themselves from the perspective of others.

"If you understand him, things will remain the same. If you don't understand him, things will remain the same." This is a Zen saying, which expresses the essence of empathy, which is to put yourself in the shoes of others and consider them in a timely manner Take understanding as the standard and basis of communication, forgive the other party's mistakes, tolerate the other party's faults, and then naturally gain the other party's understanding.

This is a psychological experience between people. Comparing people's hearts and putting themselves in their shoes can help both parties understand each other.Objectively, this requires us to establish a good habit of thinking, that is, we have to connect our inner world, such as emotional experience, way of thinking, etc. The other party communicates emotions and increases understanding until an agreement is reached.

There was a pig, a sheep, and a cow who were kept in the same corral by a shepherd.One day, the shepherd took the pig out of the corral, only to hear the pig howling loudly, and strongly resisted.It knew it was going to die, so it struggled desperately.The sheep and cows hated its howling, so they kept complaining: "We are often caught by the shepherd, and there is no one who yells like you." The pig responded: "It is completely different to catch you and me. Two different things, he only wants your hair and milk when he catches you, but he wants my life when he catches me!"

You see, it is difficult to understand and be considerate of the other person's feelings when the position and the environment are different.When one person suffers, another person may find it inconceivable. If he can empathize, he will understand this true feeling, and he will be able to empathize with him and generate empathy and sympathy.Sometimes the indifference between people is precisely because they have no empathy, lack of tolerance and compassion.Therefore, in the face of the suffering of others, they turn a blind eye and are insensitive.

I have heard the story of Ryan, an investment bank executive on Wall Street.Ryan had had a fierce rivalry with his management colleague Celano, fighting openly and secretly for a year and a half for the position of vice president.During the period, Celano compromised with him and talked with him once, hoping that the two would unite and not lose both, but Ryan did not agree.

Ryan has his own considerations: "The position of vice president of the company is very important. I must get it based on the needs of my interests. There is no room for compromise. Celano is more capable than me and has a deeper network than me. He becomes vice president, and sooner or later I'm going to be kicked out."

Therefore, Ryan refused to budge and seized a project investment issue. Some shareholders of the joint company challenged Celano and successfully obtained the position of vice president.Ryan won and Celano was crushed.Not long after, Celano was hit again and asked to resign by the board.At this time, Celano made a request to Ryan, hoping that he would help him to bring the project he was responsible for back to life, because Ryan had a good personal relationship with this client, and it could be done.

But Ryan didn't, he thought it was a good opportunity to blow the other side out.Celano was fired and left the investment bank.Many people went to see him off, but Ryan, as a colleague with whom he had a lot of contact, didn't even make a phone call.He thinks there is nothing to sympathize with, survival of the fittest, either you lose or I lose.But soon, he also encountered similar problems. Because of the failure of a project, which caused huge losses to the company, he was forced to resign under the impeachment of shareholders.At this time, he realized Celano's mood, full of remorse.

"If I had reached out to help, what would happen now?" Ryan reflected guiltily.He finally started to think about this matter from Celano's standpoint. Peace would be win-win, fight would lose both. He should be closely united with Celano, otherwise he would be easily taken advantage of by careerists on the board of directors.But now, his remorse has no effect.

Nowadays, many people like to appear as a savior in communication.They like to point out ideas to others, you want to do this, you can do that, you can do this again... These ideas, whether good or bad, are essentially an extension of their own thinking mode, not someone else's thinking mode.He doesn't understand the way other people think about problems, so he can't understand other people's behavior patterns, so naturally he can't talk about real empathy.

For example, an account manager needs to analyze the psychology of customers frequently.An excellent account manager can not only empathize and think from the customer's point of view, but also use the perspective and mentality of the general manager, deputy general manager, middle-level and grassroots to think about the same problem. The most appropriate conclusion, formulate the most sensible strategy, and finally take the most appropriate action.

How can such a manager do it?
Obviously, it is difficult for a person who lacks corresponding job experience to understand and do it.If you want to successfully empathize, you must have such experience and experience; at least, you have to replace the role in a timely manner, and be able to sympathize with and understand the position of the other party.You can lack experience, but you must have vision and vision.

Of course, the best result is that the thinking structure of the two of you is very similar. Under this premise, empathy can easily resonate and reach an agreement.However, this does not mean that you really have the ability to empathize. It is very likely that the happy communication between you is just an illusion. It is due to the similarity in "thinking blood" rather than the openness of thinking. a good result of .You need to be able to accommodate different values ​​and ways of thinking. Not only can you try to think with other people's thinking structures, but you can also accept thinking that you didn't want to accept.Otherwise, you are substituting one kind of linear thinking for another, which is thinking compulsion rather than thinking transposition.

(End of this chapter)