[Net King] Take away my heart

on every ray of dawn

on a boat at sea

on the crazy mountains

i write your name

— Paule Luard

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Leftovers are becoming more and more.

It's not that I don't have an appetite to eat, but I always feel full soon after eating, and as long as I eat a little more, my stomach will start to convulse inexplicably, until I spit out all the food I just ate, and the stomach pain can be calmed down.

The nurses didn't seem to know that I would throw up after eating, or they knew and pretended not to know.Everyone will still bring me a lot of delicious food, whether it is from the hospital or bought outside, as long as they watch me eat it in person, everyone will be very happy.But as soon as they left, I would rush to the bathroom and throw up all the food I had just eaten in severe abdominal pain.

The weight loss started again, as if it wasn't unexpected, and no one seemed sad because it had become a default fact.I don't think even a doctor can do anything about it.

After the boy in the next room disappeared, the empty ward remained closed and no new patients were admitted.The nurses always passed the empty wards when they took me to the courtyard, and I felt vaguely relieved to see that it was empty.

That's all right, the boy should have gone back to his family, right?He should have been freed and can run in the sun without restraint, right?If he is cured, I will be cured too, so no one will live here anymore, right?

No, I know that's not the case.

Nurses would always turn their heads away as they walked past the empty ward, as if unwilling to look.Sometimes someone looked up at the window of the empty ward and sighed in the courtyard, and sometimes someone had tears in their eyes when they mentioned the boy.

They don't need to say it, but I know it all.

Mom and Dad said they would take me anywhere I wanted and even said they had enough savings to go on a trip, but I didn't want to waste what little money they had.

"There is a beach near the hospital, I want to take Jiayin there."

Mom and Dad are too tired, and their black hair can already be seen graying when they are not yet young.The doctor's permission to go out is not so much a vacation for me as it is a chance for Mom and Dad to breathe.I hope they stay at home and have a good night's sleep, and don't have to go to work to make money in the dark, and don't have to worry about my illness all day long. As long as they can breathe a sigh of relief, I will also breathe a sigh of relief.Just do it.

There is a beach near the hospital. I heard it from the nurses when I was very young.

——"If Yukimura-kun grows up a little longer, maybe he can see the sea from the window."

Maybe it's because I was not tall enough when I was a child. I like to lie on the window and I have never seen the sea.But even now, as a grown-up, I stand at the window and look out at the same scene as my childhood.

Will there really be a sea?I've been wanting to check if what the nurse said is true.

After getting permission to go out, Jiayin and I walked towards the direction pointed by the nurses, and finally found the beach behind an open space.

This is an undeveloped beach, with no one around, only the sound of sea water beating against the shore in the open space.The smell of saltiness and dampness hits my face. Some people say that the air in Kanagawa should have this smell. For me, who is used to the smell of disinfectant, this real smell is very fresh because it is the first time.

The weather was not clear, and the sky before the rain showed a faint gray.The sea water is not the transparent and clear blue that I imagined early in the morning, but just like the sky, with a slightly melancholy light gray.

Jiayin and I stood by the sea, with a sandy beach not yet wet by the waves at our feet.The shoes were deeply sunken in the soft sand, but there was no discomfort, as if the body had been integrated with it, and the soft yellow sand seemed to gently wrap the soul, making people feel unprecedentedly peaceful.

I closed my eyes and took a few breaths of salty air.

"When I was young, the nurse told me that there was a sea near the hospital, and that I could see it by lying on the window, so I always liked to lie on the window and look out, even if I couldn't see anything."

I recall the scene at that time.

"In June and July, the rain began to fall endlessly. I lay on the window and watched the rainwater flowing down the glass, thinking, where did the rain come from, the smell of sea water, and the smell of rainwater Is it the same?"

At that time, I would open the window, stretch out my hand, and let the rainwater flow into my palm.

"Jiayin, do you know where the rain comes from?"

"...in the sky?"

"Where did the water come from that day?"

"In the sea."

"...Then what I hold in my hand is the ocean."

In the small hand that was taken back, lies the sea that I have longed for for a long time.

"Since then, whenever it rains, I will stretch out my hand from the window while imagining the sea I can see. I will look at the rainwater in my hand and say, the sea is in my hand."

Even if I can't see the sea from the ward, I feel happy because of the association of rain.

"I just lay at the window like this, listening, imagining, drawing, and spent my childhood. If it was me at that time...even if I was swept away and swallowed by the sea here, I would not feel unwilling Bar."

Jiayin stared at the sea, her thoughts seemed to have been taken far away.

"I found... what? Eternity... that is the sea, merged into the sun..."

"Rimbaud?"

"Ah."

"Under such a magnificent scenery, people will involuntarily forget life and death. Even people who are no longer in this world will be moved by the power of nature."

At the end of the endless world, it seems that there are only two people left, carefree, free, without troubles and pains, only pure white hearts washed by nature.

This is the freedom I've been waiting for?

The first and last freedom.

"Good news... I'm running out of time."

I put my hands on my chest and silently clutched the clothes there.

"Obviously I still want to eat a lot of delicious food, just like the dessert shop I went to with you last time... It would be great if I could go again, thinking like this, eating delicious food desperately, desperately wanting to eat again Gained some weight, but finally vomited it all out. It's so troublesome... This body is all against me."

Good news did not look back.

"Have you ever heard of the phrase "Returning to the Light?" The more people are dying, the more they seem to become sober. The child in the next ward is also like this, because it is the last, so I let him go to the courtyard Playing football...otherwise there would be no opportunities like that."

As if determined to hear what I had to say, Jiayin said nothing.

"I know he has passed away. The nurse didn't say it, because I was afraid that I would know that I will have such a day sooner or later. But it doesn't matter... They don't understand, I am very happy, and probably there will never be a happier time in my life than now Yes, because Good News is by my side."

A gust of sea breeze blew past, and Jiayin's hair was blown a little messy, covering her slightly trembling lips.

"Everyone is softer than before, they seem to be trying their best to treat me better, get me out of the hospital, let me spend more time with my parents... They know this is my last chance. Good news, I Very happy, but not enough..."

Staring at it, the sky is lonely.The eyes hurt faintly under the gray sky wall, and the increasingly stuffy air made people feel deeply miserable.I clutched the clothes on my chest tightly, as if that would make me feel better.

"I know I'm going to die, but not in this way. I want to get out of here, to a place where it's just you and me, where we can walk hand in hand by the sea... I want to die in a place like that."

What freedom is, I don't know.

For me, who couldn't even take a step out of the ward since childhood, freedom is a word so far away that it is impossible to touch.In the short 15 years of my life that are coming to an end, freedom is a word that has never been written in the dictionary. I never knew what it meant, but because I didn't know, I was doubly eager to know what it felt like.

What erased the word freedom from my dictionary was the gods, my parents, or this world bound by morality and etiquette.From whom do I take my freedom back, or am I born to be deprived of my freedom because my freedom cannot be forgiven?

I am used to death, I have accepted it, I will not fight against death, but I cannot bear a death like this.

"Sometimes, I really wish that my parents were not around, not here. I hope that there will always be only the two of us, without fear, fear, uneasiness, and without worrying about others looking at us, as long as we are as ordinary as every ordinary person we can see everywhere. I just want to live as long as I can... Is this a selfish thought? But I can't help myself to think like this... I know that my parents have done a lot for me, and I also know that this kind of betrayal is unbearable for them, but this is us Is it wrong? Are we really guilty of this...? Who decides what can be done and what can't be done... No one can answer me. Good news, I don't know where the right answer is ...But I don't want to die with a secret buried, I don't want one day when you think of me, you can still only say to everyone, I am your dead brother..."

"There will be a way." Jiayin said in a hoarse voice, her voice sounded ethereal, "I will find a way... one day..."

Her voice was buried in the sea wind and the sound of the waves.

I have no dying wishes and I don't ask anyone to pray for me.I don't need a warm bed, I don't need to be surrounded by my family, I know I'll never go back to my old life, back to school, back to the court, so I don't need a racket, I don't need friends, I don't need anything.

I can forget everything and return to death alone.But I just want to ask for forgiveness.

We, who were not forgiven, stood by the sea for a long time, as if we were receiving the final baptism, until the sky was dark, covered with black clouds, and the drizzle fell, washing our tear-stained faces, and then we turned around Turn back to the hospital.

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