[Net King] Take away my heart

The human form is a ghost,

Consists of distractions and pain.

Sometimes pure light, sometimes cruel,

wide open,

This image is tightly contained within it.

—Molana Jalaluddin Rumi

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Jiayin, do you have someone you like?

When I wrote this sentence on the letter paper, I hesitated for a moment.But then I continued to write, and said a lot of things that had nothing to do with the problem.

Write letters, make phone calls, talk about some daydreams, talk about some unrealistic fantasies... But I always feel that something is not enough, and something is not enough.

I have a lot of things in my heart that I want to say to Jiayin, but those words can't seem to be fully expressed through phone calls and letters.

Day by day, year by year, for ordinary people, the time is fast, but for me, it is as long as a century.The letters written by He Jiayin filled the entire drawer, and the paintings painted covered the ceiling and walls, but I was still imprisoned in this white cage, unable to fly or scream.

Already in the third grade of elementary school, nearly ten years of my life have been exhausted, and I am afraid that no one knows where I will be in the next ten years.

Through the window of the ward, I could see children playing on the lawn outside the courtyard.There were two boys in hospital gowns like mine, holding rackets and waving their arms.A very small yellow ball went back and forth between the two of them, at a very close distance, at a very slow speed, with very light force, and the two children who were about my age were just like this in the sun. Play tennis with ease.

Envious?There seemed to be a voice in my heart asking.

No, it's not to the point of envy, although I can't go to the lawn like them, although I can only be locked in this depressing and monotonous room, but I also have something they didn't have——

A very fond person.

A little secret that only belongs to me.

Fold the letter paper, carefully stuff it into the envelope, seal the seal, and hand it to Mom and Dad.Just looking at the figures of them walking out of the ward to send letters for me, hearing the ringing of the phone in the corridor, and just putting coins into the coin-operated phone, I can feel that I am happy.

I am happy, although this happiness cannot be seen or touched.Just because its existence is so erratic, I often feel happy and at the same time afraid of losing my secret accidentally.

I don't know if that person feels the same way as me.

Jiayin seldom mentioned what happened between her and her friends in her letters, and she seldom wrote about what happened in school. Although we learned to write more and more characters, the topics we communicated were still limited to a very simple one. within the framework of our own - only our own business.

The world of good news that I know is a world intertwined with grandma and blue sky, green grass and soil.The world of mine that Jiayin knows is a world intertwined with the smell of parents, hospitals and disinfectants.

Such two worlds seem to merge equally, because they are both monotonous and lonely without exception.But I'm not sure whether Jiayin's world is really what I imagined, maybe she was just concerned about my mood, and didn't write too much of the colorful side into the letter.Maybe she has many good friends besides me, maybe her life is much happier and richer, maybe...

I don't like speculation, but I want to know more about her world, what she thinks and how she feels, and I want to confirm one thing—

In this way, on a whim, I wrote down the question on the letter paper.

When I handed the letter paper to my parents, I felt a little uneasy.The reason why I wrote so many irrelevant words after that question is because I was trying to hide my regret for writing that question.

I seem to be trying to test something, even though I know that Jiayin is my only friend, even though I believe that she feels the same way as me, but I still want to confirm it.If I can't get the answers I want, the restlessness will continue to escalate.

——Is there anyone you like?

I self-righteously asked this stupid question, and received an unexpected answer a few days later.

"His name is Ryosuke."

My sister wrote this on the letter paper in beautiful fonts.Her handwriting already looks like an adult, and it looks more and more like a girl would write it.

"We have been at the same table since the first grade. He is very good at sports and is the fastest runner in our class... Many girls like him, say he is handsome, and envy me being at the same table with him, although I don't really understand handsome or not... But I have been at the same table until the third grade... After I get used to it, I think it might be nice to continue to be at the same table..."

"I don't know if that counts as liking, because grandma won't teach me these things... What does Jingshi think? Do you have someone you like? Sorry, I don't know much about these things... It's just that you suddenly asked This, I thought about it, maybe it was him..."

"By the way, Ryosuke's hair is red, a rare color...I think that color is very beautiful...I would be shy to say these words to others, but Seichi is my family, so it shouldn't matter...Please don't Tell mom and dad..."

After reading the letter, disappointment and anger rushed to my mind irrepressibly.

I almost wanted to throw this letter away at once, I don't know how I endured to read it.After just reading it once, the edges of the letter paper have been wrinkled by me.

How could she write such words?Instead of folding the letter and putting it back in the envelope, as I usually do, I hastily opened the drawer and threw the letter and envelope in, resolving to ignore it.

But I couldn't do it.

I opened the drawer again and took out the letter paper. After reading two lines, I felt that I couldn't read any more.I squeezed the letter paper into a ball and held it in the palm of my hand, holding it hard.

Even I don't know why I am so angry.I didn't get the answer I thought I should have, and my sister didn't understand what "like" I was asking.She moved out a guy named Ryosuke without authorization, and put this guy of unknown origin in a world that originally belonged to the two of us.Cracks appear in the equal world, I know that Jiayin will have her own classmates and friends, she lives in an open environment, of course she will have her own life - but I wishful thinking that we are in an equal world, only me In guarding the maintenance of this secret and being complacent, I have no idea that Jiayin has a world that is much wider than mine.

I wish I had known not to ask this question.

Continue to write letters foolishly, continue to wait for her call foolishly, continue to think that she can understand what I think...but will deceiving myself and others make me happy?I don't want to be a fool, I don't want to be the only one wanting this connection, it's not fair, it's so unfair to be the only one.

I got out of bed and went to the corridor, angrily wanting to call my sister right away.But I stared annoyed at the pay phone for a long time without picking up the receiver.

1 minute, 2 minutes, 3 minutes.Several minutes passed, and I still stood in the corridor without moving.

I feel betrayed.I've been betrayed by the person I love the most, and I'm so sick I can't even say a word.

"Jingshi? Why did another person sneak out... What happened, why are you standing here?"

I hate myself.I hate myself for being so unreasonable.

I shouldn't be angry, I don't have any reason to be angry.A younger sister is a younger sister, and I am me. She didn't do anything to offend me... She has her own life, her own life, and her own friends. What right do I have to stop her from liking others?

To Jiayin, maybe I'm just a sick wretch.Because you sympathize with me, you correspond with me and don't talk about school matters with me. You pity me for having no friends, and you are afraid that I will be sad, so you avoid the topic like that...

But I don't need such sympathy at all.

Back in the ward in silence, I didn't say a word to the nurse who was worried about me.

There was another crisp sound of hitting the ball outside the window. The sound was like a hammer, hitting my depressed mood again and again.

I know.

Knowing that he would never get out of here, he still looked forward to the day when he could meet her.Knowing that Jiayin has her own friends, she still comforts herself that she is as lonely as me.

I know the good news does not belong to me alone.He clearly knew this better than anyone else, but his heart still hurt so hard to breathe.

I got up and closed the window, then put away the drawing paper and pen.Faceless paintings were piled together, as empty as my bewildered heart.

No one is to blame, as this has been my destiny from the start.It's wrong to have hope for something or someone. Fate has taught me this from a very early age. Only by accepting everything and looking at everything calmly can I live here peacefully.

Silently lock the drawer, I don't think I will use these things again for a while.

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Note: Molana Jalaluddin Rumi, Sufi scholar, poet.

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The author has something to say: Recently, I have received a lot of mine grenades from little angels! Toru is so happy QAQ

I haven't updated the list of Toru's blasting angels for a long time due to laziness~ Let's update now XDDD

【Mao Mao, Crane Sauce, Xia sansan, Grapefruit, The Sky of Bad Boys, Mary Good, Ice Pillow, COCOA, Kong Guang, Fan Fan】

(Recent list, in no particular order)

Thanks to the above little angels! Toru loves you MUA～╭(╯3╰)╮

In particular, some of these little angels have been supporting Toru since the ice emperor chapter until now~

And there is also a girl who really spent a lot of soft sister coins on Toru~throwing rockets and grenades~

Toru's love for you is hard to describe (wipe your nose) I can only say that I will continue to work hard for the sake of the little angels~!

I will always remember your support Toru >////

Related to the next update:

It really takes a lot of courage to post the content of the next update QAQ

Toru is tangled and tangled ~ decided to update on Wednesday night on the [-]th ~

This chapter will be the last chapter updated in June~

Toru will enter a super busy period because of the imminent move~

Of course, the latter part will gradually move toward a climax｜tide～Need to recharge your batteries before killing it～

So after the next chapter, I’m going to see you all in July~ XDDDD