[Net King] Take away my heart

Loneliness is a normal state of life. ——Anonymous

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"Father, can you really not take me there? Please... just one time! I will be very obedient, I won't run around, and I will go back to the hospital as soon as I see the good news..."

Dad looked at me distressedly, and said he had already consulted the doctor, and the doctor thought that my physical condition was not suitable for going out, so there was nothing he could do.

"Jiayin won't be angry with you. She knows you can't leave the hospital. When you recover, you will have a chance to see her, so just stay here obediently and wait for us to come back, okay? If there is anything you want to hand over Give Jiayin, Mom and Dad will definitely bring it for you."

I took the letter I had already written and the picture I had drawn, and after a long silence, I finally handed them over to my father.I watched with some sadness as my father put them into the luggage that was about to be taken to the country.

Dad touched my head, and left the hospital with my mother like this.

Then I will spend the days alone.

On March 3th, every year on this day, parents will go to the countryside to visit their sister and grandma, and this year is no exception.This day is both my birthday and my sister's birthday.Although it is the birthday of the siblings, mom and dad can only choose to spend with one of them. The younger sister who stays in the country and never sees mom and dad can only reunite with them on this day, so I don’t think it’s helpful to leave me alone What's not fair, because I've been taking up Mom and Dad's time all this time.

However, after that phone call, I have already agreed with Jiayin that I will go to the countryside with my parents to see her this time.

"Really? Will the doctor let you out...?"

"Well, I will try my best to please him! No matter what, I must find a way to get out..."

"Come on..."

I know Jiayin would love to see me too, she just won't say it outright.But we imagined a lot of things we could do after we met. Jiayin said that she could take me to play by the pond, climb a small hill, and dig loach in the fields.Just hearing her say this, I was so excited that I wanted to rush out of the hospital and run to the countryside immediately.

Encouraged by the nurse, I finally decided to draw a portrait of my sister as a gift for her.Although I have painted many portraits of my sister in the past, I have never shown any of them to her. Only this one is the most special gift for the first meeting. I spent a larger than usual With great effort, I painted it very carefully.

Unlike other children who refused to take medicine and often lost their temper, I always took medicine and injections obediently in the hospital and never made it difficult for the nurses.After deciding to see Jiayin, I worked hard to actively cooperate with the doctor's treatment, thinking that as long as I take medicine and injections, my body will recover faster, and the hope of seeing Jiayin will be even greater.

However, my application to go out was rejected.

"Jingshi, I can understand your feelings, but with your current situation, let alone a long journey, even if you just walk out of the ward, you must be accompanied by someone..."

The nurse always accompanies me to the corridor to make pay phone calls. When I talk to Jiayin, she is standing not far away waiting for me.Sometimes playing coins is not enough, she will lend me her coins to cast.

"Please nurse, please help me talk to the doctor! I really want to see Jiayin, we have already agreed... I can persist, I will definitely go back to the hospital in good condition, and I won't get sick halfway of……"

The nurse who has always been gentle with me looked at me sympathetically, and then said to me helplessly, no.

Unable to get permission to go out, I could only watch helplessly as my parents walked out, and then, like every deserted March 3 in the past, I sat alone on the hospital bed and stared at the wall in a daze.

In order to coax me, the nurse quietly bought a cake and blew out a candle with me in front of the hospital bed.

"Miss Nurse... Am I going to get better? I... I probably won't be able to get out of here in my life."

Looking at the blown out candle, I said slowly.

I only say this when my parents are away, because I know that my parents have been working hard to treat my unexplained difficult disease, even though they knew that the possibility of cure was very small, they never gave up.Facing such parents, I can't appear discouraged, I can't talk about the cruel truth, and I can't make them more sad.

The nurse didn't answer my question, she just put her hand on my shoulder and said to me: "Happy birthday, let's work together and live together from now on."

How many more birthdays like this can I have, I wondered after listening to her.

Mom and Dad should have brought my gift to my sister.In addition to my letter full of apologies, there is also a portrait of my sister who I mustered up the courage to send out for the first time.

——"Sorry, I can't come to see you, but I will definitely try my best next time. Do you like this painting? Maybe it doesn't look like the painting, please don't be angry."

I wrote so in the letter.The good news who read this letter should forgive me, right?With trepidation, I waited until my parents came back from the country.

"Did Jiayin say something? Did she get my gift? Did she like it?"

Still on the drip, I hurried out of bed and ran to my parents, ignoring the nurse's obstruction, to ask their sister's reaction.

"This..." Dad showed embarrassment.

"Jiayin, she sometimes gets a little emotional." My mother comforted me and said, "It's okay, we have left the gift with grandma, and the reason why Jingshi can't go there is also explained..."

"Stay with grandma... what do you mean?"

I suddenly felt a chill in my heart.

"I gave the painting to Jiayin and told her 'My brother painted it for you', but because Jingshi didn't make it, Jiayin was a little unhappy. When we gave her the gift, she lost her temper and threw it on the ground..."

"..."

Sure enough, she was still angry because I didn't keep the agreement to see her.

I looked down, feeling a pang of loss and sadness.Mom and Dad helped me to the bed, let me sit down, and kept reassuring me that it was okay, children would have a temper, and Jiayin would figure it out soon.

"Jingshi and Jiayin are both sensible and good boys. After that, we just need to talk on the phone and we'll be fine, okay? Don't be sad."

I nodded, but after that, I never got another call from Jiayin.

"Jingshi, what's the matter? Waiting for a call here again..."

After my birthday, I wrote several letters to Jiayin one after another, explaining to her why I failed to keep the promise.

I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, please don't ignore me.Every letter contained sincere words of apology, hoping she would forgive me, but I never received a reply from Jiayin.

Not only was there a reply, but there was no phone call at all.

Because I was afraid of missing the call from Jiayin, I always ran to the coin-operated telephone in the corridor to watch.In addition to taking care of me, the nurse also took care of other children in the hospital, so she couldn't watch me all the time, and couldn't always accompany me to the corridor to wait for the phone call, so I ran out without saying hello to anyone.

"That's not okay, go back to the ward, how can you always stay here and wait for the call?"

"Just wait a little longer, Jiayin may call me in a while."

"Jingshi..."

Seeing my stubborn appearance, the nurse could only temporarily put down the work at hand and stand aside to accompany me.

"Jingshi cherishes my sister very much."

The nurse looked at me and I looked at the payphone.

"Jingshi must think that my sister is my only friend, and no one else wants to talk to me except my sister. So when my sister is angry, you are very worried about being left behind."

"...she won't leave me behind."

It hurts me to say the words drop.Actually, I'm not sure, Jiayin has been ignoring me for a long time, maybe she just plans to ignore me for the rest of her life.

"Can I ask you one thing? I want to go out... I want to find good news, just one day, please let me go out from here, please help me!"

I suddenly turned to the nurse and begged her.This is the only way. If Jiayin refuses to reply to my letter or call me, then I can only find her to explain in person.

I know that the doctor will not agree to my request to go out, and my parents will only listen to the doctor because they are worried about my health, so the only one who can help me is the nurse.

"Please, help me, let me out...!"

I don't want to be left behind.I want to see her.

The nurse squatted down, stretched out her hand, and gently rubbed my hair.I bit my dry lips.

"Jingshi's heart will be conveyed to my sister." The nurse said, "My sister must also want to see you very much, because she is sad because she can't see you. Come on... I have a solution."

She stood up, picked up the telephone receiver on the wall, and stuffed a coin into it.

"If my sister doesn't want to call, let us call."

As she said that, she helped me dial the number of grandma's house.

beep...beep...beep...

The moment the phone was connected, the nurse handed me the receiver.

come on.She mouthed a smile to me.

There was no sound from the phone.I held my breath for three seconds, and just when I mustered up the courage to say "I'm sorry", the same voice came from the other end of the phone at the same time:

"Aren't you—"

Halfway through the speech, I was stunned, and Jiayin was also stunned.

After being dumbfounded for a while, the phone fell into a brief silence, and for a while, only the sound of breathing one after another could be heard.

"I'm sorry." I repeated the unfinished apology, "I couldn't keep the promise to see you, because the hospital refused to give permission to go out no matter what..."

Jiayin didn't speak.

"Are you still mad at me?" I asked.

"...No." Jiayin whispered, "I'm sorry... I lost your painting."

"It doesn't matter, that one is not good at all... as long as you don't get angry, I'm so worried these days... What if Jiayin doesn't talk to me anymore?"

"..."

On the phone, I couldn't see my sister's face.I can only imagine her quiet and indifferent face, as well as her hesitant expression.

"I... am a little jealous of Jingshi."

I was surprised to hear Jiayin say this to me.

"Mom and Dad will come to see me from time to time, but Jingshi never shows up... Grandma said that Jingshi lives in a big city, so I wonder if Jingshi receives more gifts than me there. It’s not that I can accompany you all day and buy you a lot of things...but I can only stay in the humble countryside with my grandma, and it’s so difficult to even meet each other.”

Her voice sounded lonely.

"So... I lost my temper because I was jealous... It's my fault, I'm sorry."

I'm sad, sad and touched at the same time.I was forgiven, but I was also jealous, and it was a mixed feeling.

"Are you angry?" Jiayin asked me the same question.

"No, I like good news best."

I answered almost immediately without thinking.No matter what Jiayin does, I probably won't be angry, I will only be sad.If she ignores me, I will be sad, if she stays away from me, I will be sad, but in the end as long as she comes back to me, it will be all right.

I don't know if it's because I accidentally said something embarrassing again, Jiayin laughed.Her smile finally reassured me completely, and I smiled along with her. The nurse who was looking at me seemed happier than me.

"Will Jiayin still call me?"

"Well, yes... have you listened to the doctor's words and treated your illness?"

"Yes, I took the medicine very hard, and I also gave the injection very hard... If this continues, I should get better soon."

"That's good……"

After hanging up the phone, I suddenly sneezed.Because I stood in the corridor for too long, my hospital gown could no longer withstand the cold, so the nurse rushed me back to the ward.

"Are you happy now? In the future, you can no longer keep on the phone and refuse to leave, let alone run out quietly without telling me."

After a lecture, the nurse left the ward.

I lay sprawled on the hospital bed, staring at the ceiling feeling happy for no reason.I reached for the pillow and pulled out a folded portrait of my sister from under it.

This is a painting for practice, so it is not perfect. I have given the better one to my parents, but unfortunately it was lost by Jiayin.

I told Good News that the painting was not good, but in fact it was the most satisfying one I have ever drawn.I also told Good News that I should be better soon, but that's not true either.

I'm always lying to Good News because I know she's just as lonely as I am.In a state where two people are lonely, being negative does not mean being positive. I don’t want to infect Jiayin with my loneliness more. I hope she is healthy and happy. I hope that I can make her healthy. Being happy can also make me healthy and happy.

However, this simple state of mind is also gradually changing with age.

I no longer desperately draw portraits of my sister, because every time my parents look at those paintings, I feel an inexplicable embarrassment.I don't want others to comment on these paintings. Like or not, good or bad, those are things that are placed in an important position in my heart. Even my parents, I don't want them to step into this sacred place. Area.

I started to draw some characters without faces, just without faces, but with hair and bodies, and movements.Sometimes I don’t even know who I’m drawing. The people I can see in the hospital are very limited. Maybe I will draw a nurse lady occasionally, maybe I will draw a mom and dad once in a while, but in the end when I see When looking at those paintings, I still feel that I am still painting my sister.

The nurse often teased me and said that I like my sister too much. Yes, I like Jiayin very much, so I will naively say some embarrassing things without thinking about it.

But the more I grew up, the more I found myself caring about things that I didn't care too much about before.When I grow up, can I still say my favorite good news carefree like that?Will she hate me when she hears this?

What kind of words should I say so that she doesn't hate me or think I'm strange?I gradually became confused by my own thoughts.

While worrying about these weird questions, I became more and more aware of the importance of good news to me.We still keep in touch, but the correspondence and phone calls are not enough, not often enough.

Want to meet but can't meet, if can't meet, it seems that there is always a hole that can't be filled, this anxiety is constantly expanding——

Until I did the thing that made me regret it.

The author has something to say:.

(Large paragraphs of nagging attention ↓)

Long time no see everyone (tears)

Thank you little angels for being here for Toru!It's so hard to update

I hope you enjoy watching XDD← You will definitely not be happy~

*Girls should have heard about the recent revision, which also shows that the current situation is still not optimistic~

So the next update can't guarantee the date soon~

It can only be said that Toru will still take it slowly ~ Try to keep the original flavor and finish writing it under the condition of safe ~

Don't let the situation affect the content of the article ~ don't make deletions ~ this is the best I can do ~ QAQ

I hope everyone can continue to support and accompany Toru through this period~

A bright future must be ahead~XDDD