[Net King] Take away my heart

Our truest lives are when we are awake in our dreams. —Henry David Thoreau

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I said that...and I did.

I still clearly remember Sanada's expression at that time, we were standing in the classroom, surrounded by many people who heard those words.

It was the second month after the news of Lianhua's death came. At that time, Lianhua's body was being cremated, and the ashes were sent back to Japan according to her last wish.

Sorry, Reika.

I deliberately came to your grave not just to say sorry, but there are too many sorry to say.

I saw Chi Ye in front of the grave. He placed a small bouquet of flowers in front of your tombstone, and squatted there talking to you for a long time.

Did you see it?Did you hear it?

Grandma said that people who die will live on the stars, and each star represents a person who died.Lianhua, will you watch us from the stars?Will you come out every night and look down on this long-lost hometown with the moon?Chi is also shouting here, and I am shouting here, but I can't hear any answer from you.

I squatted beside Chi Ye silently, listening to him whisper the past events.

Chi is also a strong child, even if he suffers setbacks, he will wipe away his tears and stand up again immediately.Sometimes I really wish I could be as strong as him and have a pure heart like him.

Lianhua, you said that Chi also likes me, I don't think that's true.

What Chi also likes is not the real me, but the appearance of my face.Beneath my face was something that terrified even me, dirty, nasty, horrible.

If Chi also knew about those things, would he still say he likes me like now?If I was really that kind of person who sold my body for money, would he still think I was beautiful?

Lianhua, I can't accept that fact.

Did I really do those horrible things?Why do I do such a thing?Why do I need that money?What is the use of getting that money?

I've never been in a relationship, I've never held hands with a boy, I've never kissed.I don't understand how those things happened, it is impossible for me to do such things, and I dare not admit that the person who said those words was myself.

Is that person really me...?

No matter how unwilling I am to face it, no matter how much I doubt it, memory will not deceive myself.

I did say those words in front of Sanada, in front of many people.Even though I can't remember what I did or why I did it, I still said those words myself.

A lot happened in the year you died, some of which I can still remember, some of which are very vague.

I really want to ask Chi Ye, what kind of person am I in your eyes?What happened in that year to cause such a huge transformation in me?

The answer may be self-evident.

Because of Lianhua, you are no longer here.

Chi is also right, you are too cunning.You left us alone, left us sad and weeping in the world, but you ran to a place where you could hide from everything.You can't see us, you can't hear us, you just hide in that quiet world and turn a deaf ear to everything, you are too selfish.

But why am I not.

I lost my memory of the car accident and most of my memories before the car accident. "I" was lying on that white hospital bed, and everyone around me was crying for me, but I just lay there motionless with my eyes closed, pretending to know nothing.

I really want to do something for Chiya. If the car accident hadn’t happened, I might be able to comfort his trembling shoulders. Maybe I can tell him that I am by your side, accompanying you, guarding you, watching you, Never left.

But I can't do it anymore.

I reached out and gently wrapped my arms around Chi Ye's shoulders.He buried his head and knelt there, although he said he would not cry, but he still couldn't stop the tears from sliding down from the slits in his eyes.

I cried too, and my tears fell on the back of his hand, in front of your tombstone, in the dirt and grass, and finally disappeared.

…………

.........

……

The rain is falling gently over the city.

Time has stopped.

The footsteps stopped.

The sound stopped.

Everything in the world returns to silence.

This is a stagnant world.

I went back to our school.

The familiar campus as if reappeared yesterday, the playground where we ran together, the atrium where we sat quietly, the corridor where we played together, and the classroom where we attended classes together.

The girl with a big mouth walked around the classroom with a volume of books as usual, when everyone was brushing and writing with their heads down, she would walk up to Marui unexpectedly and hit him on the head with the book in her hand.

"Concentrate, don't just think about eating."

Then Marui could only take off a few pieces of candy wrappers stuck to his nose, and began to reluctantly write the homework assigned by the girl with a big mouth.

When passing by Lian Er, she would always take a look at his notebook, showing a look of sincere approval, and then walk away without saying anything.

The position of King Ni is always vacant for no reason. No one knows where he went or what he did.

But maybe I do.There is only one place he likes to go most in this school, and that is the rooftop.

Nioh is a patient with Rooftop Syndrome. Once upon a time, I was the same as him.

——"Has everyone finished writing? Whoever finishes writing first will publish first."

The girl with a big mouth looked back at the wall clock on the wall, then waved the scroll in her hand to signal to everyone that the time was up.

The students stopped writing and raised their heads one after another, but they all looked at each other blankly, as if no one wanted to take the lead in publishing.

Big Mouth Girl likes the system of democracy, equality and freedom. She has always advocated that those who are willing to publish will come up, and those who don't want to sit down and listen.But often everyone is unwilling to go up to read poetry, some people think it is shameful, so in the end the big mouth girl still had to name people who are good at writing these to go up to read.

Lianhua and I used to be the most frequently named people in this class.

"Lian Er, are you ready?"

Now, the only member of the Dead Poetry Club in this class is Lianji.

"...I haven't written all of them yet."

Lian Er still held the pen in his hand, and the girl with a big mouth looked at him and sighed.

"It's okay if it's not written today. Let's read what we wrote before, or we will have to dismiss the get out of class."

After a little hesitation, Lian Er picked up his thick notebook and quickly flipped through a few pages.When he found the page he wanted to read, he took the notebook and walked up to the podium.

The girl with a big mouth stepped aside, and everyone in the classroom looked at him quietly.

"This is a poem I wrote together with Qiu Shan more than a year ago."

His words made the already quiet classroom even quieter.I couldn't help but look at Lian Er, he looked down at the notebook in his hand, there was an imperceptible ripple in his usual calm expression.

"Day burns into night, burnt a corner of my soul..."

The moment his lips parted slightly, the scene in front of him suddenly overlapped with the previous scene.

It was a public teaching class in the second grade, and all the second-grade students gathered in a large multimedia classroom.Many teachers and parents of students who attended the class came that day, including father and mother.

The person in charge of teaching is the big mouth girl. This is her first public teaching class after she came to Lihai to work. I can see that she is a little nervous, but she still tries her best to keep calm.

"In the dark night, I turned into the sparks of the sun... and finally turned into ashes, and the ashes disappeared..."

Akiyama, please come up and read a poem you wrote yourself.

When the girl with a big mouth called out my name, I couldn't help turning my head to look at Lian Er who was sitting not far away.He met my gaze and gave me a nod with a look that said, "Go ahead."

So I stood up and walked to the podium under the gaze of hundreds of people, holding in my hand the draft of the poem that I wrote with Renji.

"The suffocating night engulfed me, and everything turned into nothingness..."

There are many people sitting under the stage, densely packed.Having never read my poems in front of so many people, I thought I would be so nervous that I would start shaking, but strangely, I didn't.

Because I saw that my parents were there, Jingshi was there, Lianhua was there, and Lianer was there.Marui, Jack, Sanada, Akaya, Yagyu and Nioh were also there.

Everyone is watching me, everyone can see me, I'm not alone.

"In the dark I see the truth veiled, in the bright lies of the day..."

In the dark I see the truth is blinded.

In the bright lies of the day, blind eyes, hypocritical smiles...

I slowly walked to the podium, walked up to Lian Er, followed his calm tone, and read the poem word by word.

"Like sleepwalking, only words and footsteps..."

Like sleepwalking, only words and footsteps prove time.

This is our poem, this is the poem shared by Lian Er and me.It had won loud applause in that public teaching class, but now, no one made a sound.

Because no one is there anymore.

I'm not here, Reika is not here, Seiki is not here, Mom and Dad are not here, neither are Yagyu and Nioh.

My eyes suddenly blurred, and a suffocating despair flooded my heart like a tide.

"Lian Er... I'm going to die."

I said this to Renji who silently put down the notebook.

The hurried bell for the end of get out of class interrupted the originally peaceful classroom, some students got up and left the classroom, and the corridor outside the classroom gradually became noisy.

Only Lian Er was still standing in front of the podium. He had finished reading the poem, but as if there was something unfinished, he stared at the front in ecstasy, and stopped there motionless.

I gaze into his eyes.

Lian Er, what do you see?

Is it a cloud of transparent air?Are the desks and chairs behind me?Is it this empty classroom?

still is……

The person who wrote this poem with you.

The back door of the classroom was suddenly opened, and Nio walked in from the outside.The moment he walked into the classroom, he didn't close the door, but just stopped at the door, casting an unexplained look at the podium.

Nioh looked at this without saying a word, and I turned my head to look at him too.

"...Good morning, staff officer."

After coldly throwing down these words to Lianji, Nio stretched his waist, yawned and walked towards his always vacant seat.

Lian Er didn't say anything.

His eyes moved along with King Ni, until King Ni sat down and started a new round of nap on the table, then he quietly closed his eyes.

The author has something to say: Note 1: Henry David Thoreau (Henry David Thoreau, 1817-1862), the most influential writer and philosopher in the United States in the 19th century.

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Toru's Broken Diary

(↓The following content is slightly dark, please skip it if you don’t want to affect your mood~)

Recently entered the super invincible busy stage on the eve of graduation, exams, job hunting, exams, job hunting

Repeating these annoying chores over and over again, there is a negative feeling of "ah, I'm too tired to be happy"

I accidentally witnessed a rail accident on my way to school today

Watching the ambulance personnel rushing to put the scattered limbs into plastic bags and zip them away

Watching firefighters hose down blood on tracks and trams

Suddenly, I feel that the scene in front of me seems to be the reappearance of Lianhua lying on the rails in this article

Shock, trembling, heaviness, almost suffocating oppression

Fiction comes from life - confirmed for the first time in person, and under the bloody reality

Start to constantly think about the meaning of life and death

Please don’t pay too much attention to the girl who sees this paragraph~ Toru will occasionally be depressed

But it will be fine soon~ I just don’t want to forget the scene I experienced today, so write it here

Life is too precious and too fragile, this is what I realized today

Daily updates will continue tomorrow and the day after tomorrow ~ girls please continue to pay attention!

Although there will be a lot of heavy and even uncomfortable places in this article

But Toru will try to convey my reasons and feelings for writing this story

Well, that's it~ See you tomorrow then!

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