Two or three things about having a crush on Mr. Dazai

My first reaction was: Oops.

He didn't hold back in front of Mr. Dazai, would he be disgusted...

In the next second, my body left the ground and was hugged horizontally by him.

I:? ? ? ? ?

My vision has not yet recovered, and my body is struggling to exert strength, but this does not prevent my mind from being filled with 1 question marks.

I used my remaining rationality to think carefully: just now Dazai looked like he couldn’t even stand upright, and he couldn’t even walk. Was he kidding me, or was he kidding me, or was he kidding me?

The conclusion is obvious, Dazai is playing me.

It seemed darker before my eyes.

I was put on a soft bed by Dazai, my limp body relaxed, and I barely regained some strength after lying down for a while.

My body wants to lie down like this forever, but my reason tells me it can't.

I was about to get up and get out of bed when Dazai walked in from the door and brought me a glass of boiled water.

I took it with both hands, warm.

Dazai said: "After drinking water, rest here. Thank you for your hard work."

I drank water in silence, and the water slid down my throat, which was so inflamed that it was difficult to even swallow.

Dazai activated the "Dazai Osamu's mind-reading technique" ability, and said distressedly: "I ran out of the standing medicine here and haven't bought any more. I don't have anti-fever and anti-inflammatory medicine... There are trauma medicines. I can only wrong you to bear it."

He asked again, "Are you injured?"

I shook my head.

Dazai: "Why are there bandages on that arm?"

"...It hurts a lot, it's not pretty."

At first, it was to stop the bleeding and prevent bacteria, but later the scars became more and more, and I always received strange eyes when I went out, so I used to wrap it with a bandage before going out.

No one knows what it looks like under the bandages better than Dazai, who is covered in bandages all over his body.

"Oh~"

Dazai nodded in understanding.Then his expression became serious and his tone became serious.

"Qiu, I want to tell you two things."

My heart tightens.

A little bored, a little nervous, and a little looking forward to it.

"The first thing is to apologize to you. I'm sorry, I connected to your call privately that day, and deliberately lied to you afterwards. I hope you can forgive me."

Dazai sat by the bed and said in a very gentle and sincere tone.

Dazai was talking about the day Keiko Kobayakawa called me for the first time, he took the opportunity to get angry, persuaded me to give up, and questioned whether I really liked him.

For me, that incident has actually turned over a long time ago, and I can even calmly mention it to Kuroko and the others while eating French fries in Tokyo's M Ji.

But when Dazai sincerely apologized for this incident, I didn't know why, my nose was so sore, and my tears rushed out.

I wiped my eyes and cheeks with the back of my hand, sobbed softly, and tried my best to restrain myself between breaths.

"I'm sorry, Qiu, can you forgive me?"

Dazai looked at me and asked.

"……Um."

I squeezed the response out of my throat.

"The second thing... is to thank you."

Dazai hesitated for a rare moment before continuing, "It's about the bomb."

It was his female love interest who sent fake bombs as a prank.I added in my heart.

Dazai deliberately concealed the "false" word: "Thank you for transporting the bomb away and releasing it at sea."

"You stood up and protected me, the tavern, the Butei Club, and the people on this street when you didn't know whether it was true or not. You did it beautifully."

I felt inexplicably guilty.

How can I be so noble, the only person I care about and save is Mr. Dazai.

Dazai thanked me for that.

It was only at this time that I deeply felt that Dazai was on the bright side of "saving people".He takes protecting the lives of others as his own responsibility, and is no longer a Hong Kong and black cadre who ignores the passing of lives and can play online games without blinking his eyes.

This kind of Dazai reminds me of Oda Sakunosuke and what he said to Dazai on his deathbed——

Go to the side that saves people.If both sides are the same, be a good person, save the weak and protect the orphans.

Dazai has become what he is now, and I have mixed feelings in my heart, most of which are bitter and sweet.

"You, you are not afraid of danger, you are resolute and decisive, you are very decisive and brave...but you are also a little silly."

Dazai smiled.

His tone was still gentle, but I felt aggrieved when I heard it.

I'm so stupid... because of whom? !

Who provoked the fake bomb?

I lowered my head, staring at the bottom of the glass, and the hands holding the water glass trembled unsteadily.

At that time, the grievance and anger when I saw the note, the pain of mental exhaustion, and the drowsiness and exhaustion caused by the recurrence of old injuries caused by the high fever, these feelings seemed to surge up together, making it difficult for me to breathe.

I don't regret doing this for him, but I...

I will feel bad too.

Tears rolled down drop by drop, fell into the cup, and fell into my own hands.

I don't know how people have so many tears. It seems that all the tears in my life will be shed for this person.

It has reached the point where it cannot be controlled.

"Ugh……"

Suddenly there was a warm weight on the top of his head.

Dazai took the water glass from my hand, then stroked the back of my head comfortingly.

"I'm also sorry for the harm I caused you." Dazai said, "Cho is really a sensitive and sensitive person."

"But, promise me, don't be so impulsive next time."

Dazai pressed my head, his tone became more serious, "You have to discuss it with me, maybe I have a better way, right?"

Discuss shit, is it possible to discuss the situation where you will die if you move it? !

I growled in the bottom of my heart, but didn't say it.

It's just that the tears fell more fiercely silently to show my disapproval.

"Okay, actually I know what you mean... Then, at least we make a promise - as long as I call your name, you will appear from nothing, how about it?"

Dazai obviously had high expectations for this idea, his tone was raised, and his eyes were bright.

He added: "Usually I call you Qiu, but when I want you to come out, I call you by my full name Takeshita Qiu, so it's easy to distinguish~"

After the reunion, Dazai did yell "Chu, come out" many times, but I seldom seem to follow his wish.

No wonder he said: "Otherwise I wouldn't know if you were there or not. Every time I talk to myself in the air, I don't care. I'm afraid it will drive Kunikida-kun crazy."

Wait, even if you know I'm here, won't you drive Kunikida crazy if you speak into the air?

I:"……"

My mind slowly turned the corner.

Dazai hoped that as soon as he called my name, I would appear obediently, just like back then.

To be honest, Dazai knew that I wanted to follow him, that he wanted to see me, that he was making demands on me, that he was making a promise with me that only the two of us knew, and that was all good.

Yet the human heart is always greedy.

I looked at Dazai's kite eyes and opened my mouth several times but couldn't speak.

"Just say what you want to say."

Dazai rolled his eyes and said softly.

"...I can promise you. If you call out my full name, I will no longer use supernatural powers." I said.

"And then?" Dazai asked, "Do you have any conditions? Just say it."

I watched his lips open and closed, and knew how soft it was, and I remembered what it was like to suck and lick the softness here.

I even remember the rapidity of his breathing, and how the tip of his tongue would respond to me seductively, and even a little bit of his response was enough to drive me crazy.

But Dazai just responded.

Only passive responses.

There is no need, the same response as indulgence.

"My condition is, please tell me, what am I to you?"

I heard my trembling voice ask.

Osamu Dazai is a person who is insulated from words like love and love.

If he has a lover, I can't imagine what kind of person would be able to tolerate everything about him, including his horrible suicide behaviors all the time; even more I can't imagine Dazai showing joy in love with anyone.

Before falling in love with him, after falling in love with him, I never thought about such a problem.

I have not modeled Osamu Dazai's lovers on anyone - myself included.

Even imagining adding a prefix like "Osamu Dazai's lover" before "Takeshita Akira" feels ridiculous to me.

This love has been hopeless from the beginning, more hopeless than despair.

Because there was never hope.

In the past, I loved Mr. Dazai with the mentality of "no need to respond", which is not only to deceive myself, but also to protect myself.When Mr. Dazai disappeared in front of me, I broke down, because even my wishful love for him was completely severed.

In the two years since Dazai disappeared, I told myself that my love for him was normal.

Two years later, I was torturing myself again and again.

The disgust in Dazai's eyes turned into appreciation, and he would call me "Chu" with a smile.While I wanted to see more Aki Takeshita in his eyes, I said to him contradictoryly, "It's okay".

But how could it be okay?

After getting his one-of-a-kind special treatment, getting a unique chance to get close, getting those two unexpected pampered kisses...

How can it be okay to "he doesn't like me"?

Osamu Dazai walks between life and death, and his desire for love is much weaker than his desire for death, which I fully understand.

Dazai Osamu can "disqualify" all supernatural powers in the world, but for him, most people, things, and things in the world are just "disqualification" hidden in the brilliant tone, and he cares about very few.I can understand these too.

I can understand.

I have been with him for so many years, and I know him so well.

I should have understood him.

but……

I should also understand myself.

This understanding came late in my life, but it cannot be ignored.

The soul Akira Takeshita was born for "Dazai Osamu", but the human Akira Takeshita lives not only for Osamu Dazai.

I'm going to make an excuse for my personality being late to him.

I asked him:

"Mr. Dazai, what am I to you? Who am I who have loved you for so many years?"

I, Takeshita Akira, is in the heart of Osamu Dazai, who is yours?

tell me.

Otherwise, why did you indulge my kiss with such an ambiguous attitude while claiming that you "don't want to fall in love with me"?

Why whisper my name over and over again when I don't know?

Why did your blank expression make me think you really cared about me when I snatched the bomb?

Tell me, Mr. Dazai.

Tell me, do you like me or not.

Tell me, do you care about me.

Tell me what you take me for.

Otherwise, why, if you call my name casually, I will release my invincible ability?

Surprise flashed across Dazai's eyes.

Then there was a long silence.

Dazai was thinking quietly, his eyebrows were carefully knit together, I don't know what he was thinking about.

I never knew whether I was really close to him, so I could only wait in such a panic.

I was afraid that he would say, "Takeshita Aki is a dog with blue eyes who can only wag his head and tail at me. The little stray dog ​​has grown up and become a handsome big dog."

I'm afraid that even if Dazai said so, I will continue to love him with forbearance and embarrassment like in the past.

……

During the long wait, my emotions gradually lost control, and my sobbing became louder and louder.

On this dreary starless night, in a room just filled with carbon monoxide, many fragments rose from the depths of memory and collapsed layer upon layer and silently.

I suddenly felt like I should have cried a lot like this—

Because of Dazai's merciless pressure on my forehead, the automatic pistol that could go off at any time;

Laughed wildly for him and satirized me and said, "You are like a mad dog, love like a beast";

For what Oda said before his death, "give Qiu a little more time" and "he may be able to enter that world in the future";

For Dazai's exhortation "When I am not around, learn to grow up by yourself";

The tone of teasing for Dazai and the woman;

For the bomb with the "look at me only" note;

Apologies for Dazai's two consecutive apologies just now;

……

For many, many things that can be said and cannot be said.

I vented desperately, crying out the share I had accumulated over the years.

The last time I cried so heartbreakingly was when I was tortured by Koyo Ozaki for using "Nothingness" when I first entered Hong Kong Hei.

After that, I always cried silently because I learned to be patient.

To this day, I cry again.

Dazai froze beside the bed.

I want to hug him, especially.

But I can't.

Even, if he wants to hug me, I have to push him away.

Because I can no longer trample on my dignity until I get the answer.

In the end, Dazai still hugged me.

Osamu Dazai embraced me with his slender but powerful arms, and pressed his chin on the top of my hair.

I put my ear on his chest, and heard his heartbeat—Osamu Dazai's heartbeat was also regular, and the heart was beating vigorously along with the arteries.

I've been close to him many times, but this is the first time I've heard his heartbeat.

Sincerely, sincerely, unabashedly.

I finally understand why the so-called love words in the world, such as "heartbeat", "sweetheart" and "love at first sight" are all related to the heart.

Because when you are attracted to him, your heartbeat will become the same frequency as him.

From his heartbeat, you will hear the stars behind the dark clouds, the insects after the rain, the heroic shouts, and a whole happy and beautiful world.

As my chest vibrated, I heard Dazai say.

"You are my future lover."

"You're fine."

"Qiu, wait a little longer...give me a little more time."

The young man who was tired of living and pursuing death said in a deep voice above my head, his tone was unprecedentedly serious.

"Give me a little more time. Before I die, I'll try to love you."

"And you love me dearly, I've always known that."