Two or three things about having a crush on Mr. Dazai

Instead of dying at the hands of Akutagawa, I woke up in the hospital.

At the moment when I realized that "I'm still alive", I couldn't express how I felt.

I endured severe pain with the will to die, just to get out of here, but the pain is pain, I am still here, and I have to continue to suffer.

If I had to find a word to describe it, it would be tired.

Thinking back to Mr. Dazai waking up in the hospital every time he failed to commit suicide, his deep disappointment and exhaustion should be the same as mine.

I can't die, and I don't know why I'm alive.what to do?

Mr. Dazai has been seeking the answer to this question since he was 13 years old, and has been stuck in it for a long time.

This question didn't bother me in the past - I live to see Mr. Dazai, I can tell you that with absolute certainty.

but.

At the moment when Mr. Dazai defected to Hong Kong and disappeared, and under the circumstances that I may never find him who deliberately hid——

What am I living for?

I stared at the white ceiling of the ward. Doctor Ren and nurses were busy around me. The "didi" sound of the equipment mixed with the conversations of people passing by, and the smell of disinfectant filled the nasal cavity.Both physically and mentally ached like being torn apart.

My whole world is empty, and I don't know where my soul is.

He is gone, where should I go?

I wondered in a daze.

The doctor repeatedly asked questions in my ear, waved his hand in front of my eyes, and raised different fingers. Finally, he sighed with pity and shook his head helplessly to others.

I seemed to hear it, but I didn't seem to hear it.

My mind and body seemed disconnected, my consciousness was clearly awake but I had no desire to react to the outside world.

"One of the five major cadres of Port Mafia...Mr. Osamu Dazai...disappeared and defected..."

After the two nurses checked my body, they chatted on the side, talking about the recent explosive news that everyone in Hong Kong and black people know.

When the "five major cadres" were mentioned, the tone was originally in awe, but the more they talked, the more exaggerated they became.

I:"……"

Nurse A: "Sister, is my eyes dazzled? Did Takeshita-kun blink just now?"

Nurse B: "Yes, yes! I seem to have seen it too! He finally reacted!"

Nurse A: "Do you want to call the teacher over?"

Nurse B: "Call, I'll call right away."

Nurse A: "Why did he react suddenly?"

Nurse B: "Did we talk about Mr. Dazai just now?"

Nurse A: "Hey hey he blinked again!!"

Nurse B: "... Mr. Dazai disappeared and defected?"

I:"……"

Nurse AB: "Teacher! Takeshita-kun closed your eyes!! Heartbeat!! Heartbeat gone!!!"

After a flurry of rescue efforts, the doctor spoke to me softly beside me, trying to entice me to respond.

fail.

He reprimanded the two nurses unhappily: "Takeshita's spirit is very fragile now, don't provoke him casually!"

The nurses looked at each other: "We... didn't stimulate him either?"

Doctor: "So what were you talking about?"

Nurses: "That's...the defection of Mr. Dazai, one of the five cadres."

Doctor: "Isn't this exciting? I usually know how much Takeshita likes Mr. Dazai, but now I can't stop talking?"

One of the nurses covered his mouth in a sudden realization, while the other lowered his head in shame.

"But... Takeshita-kun, can't you hear us?"

The doctor sighed: "The hearing should not be damaged. But... alas."

"but what?"

A cold voice came.With the sound of someone stepping into the ward, the temperature in the ward seemed to drop several degrees, and the doctors and nurses flinched unnaturally.

The person's thin body was wrapped under a black coat, and his sharp eyes were as terrifying as a fierce dog.

——It is the "Hong Kong black disaster dog" Akutagawa Ryunosuke.

I was lying on a hospital bed, surrounded by various life-support equipment.I calmly opened my eyes and looked at the ceiling, and I could see other scenes in the ward out of the corner of my eye.

"It's Akutagawa-sama who brought Takeshita to the hospital..."

The doctor greeted him, "You are here."

"What's wrong with him?" Akutagawa looked at me and said, "I remember his chest and waist and abdomen were injured. How did he become like this? What medicine did you give him?"

The doctor had a hard time and explained bitterly: "We really didn't use anything, it was all the anesthesia and postoperative pain relief necessary for the operation. At most, a little sedative was injected when Mr. Takeshita woke up—this is also because you Said he had a tendency to commit suicide."

Akutagawa lowered his voice, and became more and more cold: "Then how did you treat it? Now Takeshita Akira looks delirious and stupid, you say 'the situation is stable'?"

The nurses were too frightened to speak by Akutagawa's reprimand.

"This..." The doctor resisted Akutagawa's terrifying aura, and explained hesitantly, "It is indeed stable."

"Takeshita-kun suffered severe mental trauma before. When it was severe, he would suffer from double vision, blurred vision, vomiting and diarrhea, and even almost died suddenly because of lack of sleep... This time it was probably due to too much mood swings, plus The body is weak, which induces the old injuries, which makes the spirit in a very weak state."

"Old injury? When did it happen?" Akutagawa frowned.

The doctor said: "It's been a long time... probably two years ago. When the two 'Shuanghei' sent Takeshita back, he was tortured so badly by the enemy."

The two new nurses breathed out in distress when they heard about the past.

Akutagawa frowned and looked at me: "..."

"So it's really you who should cure your brain."

I can't be bothered to refute him.

never mind.

I won't see Mr. Dazai again, and the battle with Akutagawa is meaningless.

Mr. Dazai abandoned the respected "cadre" status he had accumulated for a long time in Hong Kong, he abandoned the "double black" title he partnered with Nakahara Chuya, he abandoned the powerful subordinates he personally trained and taught, and cut off the relationship with the port. Everything related to the Mafia.

I followed him and joined Hong Kong and Heilongjiang for him.

But Mr. Dazai easily pulled away and left.And my love was also cut off by him, and left in a place that had nothing to do with him.

I am different from Akutagawa.

He was a wild dog in the gutter, fighting aimlessly.Mr. Dazai led him into Hong Kong gangsters and gave him the meaning of fighting, so Akutagawa became the "disaster dog" of Hong Kong gangsters, running for the interests of Hong Kong gangsters and fighting for Dazai's approval.

Mr. Dazai has left, and Akutagawa is still a representative figure of the Hong Kong gangster militant faction.

But I didn't join Hong Kong and Black for any meaning.

I was never just for one person.

Where he is is where I live and work.

Mr. Dazai no longer needs the position of Hong Kong and black, and all the reasons for my existence in Hong Kong and black have fallen apart.

The doctor asked tentatively: "You are familiar with Mr. Takeshita, why don't you talk to him?"

"Can he really hear?"

"... theoretically audible."

"He just kept his eyes open and didn't respond?"

A nurse summoned up her courage and said, "Just now when we talked about Mr. Dazai's defection, Takeshita seemed to have blinked and caused a physical reaction."

The doctor added: "Maybe I am sad about this news."

Akutagawa sneered: "It's more than that. That's why he wanted to die by my hands on purpose."

The doctors and nurses gasped in unison.

Akutagawa: "Keep an eye on him, lest the heart stop suddenly."

Doctors and nurses were immediately on standby.

I'm not at all curious about what Akutagawa will say.

But the very first thing he said made me want to tear him apart.

"Your love for Dazai-san is nothing more than that."

Akutagawa stood by my bed, condescending and authentic.

"I admit that you are powerful as a ghost, but your so-called love is so weak and incompetent! Mr. Dazai is missing, just look for it, look for it for one year, two years, five years, ten years... keep looking, find him, and then Ask him why he defected!"

"You who are looking for death just to hear that he is missing - it's ridiculous!"

I stare blankly at the ceiling.

You do not understand.

I don't know what it means to me not to see Mr. Dazai.

Never seeing him, living forever looking for him... That's not life, it's a terrible purgatory that burns my chest every minute and every breath.

To live empty is more painful than to die.

"I know what it's like to live just for the sake of being alive." Akutagawa said, "It's painful and tormenting."

"If your humble and despised love can't even survive this situation, it will be even more despised."

The trouble dog boy said coldly in the same low-pitched tone as before.

If my love can't carry me through...

It's even more contemptuous...

The nurse exclaimed: "Look! Takeshita-kun...he's crying! He's crying!"

I didn't want to cry, but my eyes couldn't stop being sore.

I closed my eyes, and tears fell from my eyelashes and slipped into my temples from the corners of my eyes.

I opened my mouth.

The nurses cried with joy: "His mouth moved! There is a reaction, there is a reaction!"

The doctor immediately came to his senses: "How is it, Mr. Takeshita! How do you feel? What's wrong? Do you want to drink water? Can you talk? If you have anything to say, just say it!"

Me: "Tell Akutagawa to shut up. Get lost."

The single room suddenly fell silent.

Akutagawa: "..."

doctor:"……"

Nurse:"……"

The doctor, tremblingly, cautiously, and fearfully, said to Akutagawa: "How about you, you first...?"

So Akutagawa left.

I didn't see that scene with my own eyes, but Ryunosuke Akutagawa glared fiercely at the doctor for a few times with cannibalistic eyes, then left with a stinky face and shook his sleeves furiously.

The door of the ward slammed shut with a bang.

Hearing him so angry finally made me comfortable.

The days of being hospitalized after waking up were boring and difficult, like curry rice that had been soaked in water for three days and turned sour and smelly.

I can't see Mr. Dazai, but I can only live - using my "maybe one day see him again" wish and all the memories of him in the past to support myself through the pain.

Akutagawa is right, if my love is not enough for me to live for him, then it is a cowardly and ridiculous love.

It was much harder to live for him than to die for him.

Every time I think of Mr. Dazai, it feels like a big piece of my heart has been dug out, leaving only a little lingering breath.

And whenever I use this little bit to recall Oda Sakunosuke, it seems to have been thrown into bitter water.

The peace talisman I had just hung up was cut by Akutagawa's Rashomon when he pierced his body.

feeling bad.

The doctor knew that it was very important to me, so he took it off and put it away during the operation, but it was still stained red with blood, just like every amulet I had replaced before.

I want to try to patch it up after I get out of the hospital.

During the hospitalization, Xiao Yin, who had been transferred to the "Black Lizard" reserve team for training, came to see me twice, each time pressing a dagger to my neck to make me accept her training results.

When I praised her "I have made great progress", Xiaoyin would smile shyly.

And Akutagawa never came back after I got angry.

I repeated between falling asleep and waking up every day. When I was awake, I looked out the window in a daze, just like Mr. Dazai was in a daze with the wine glass in Lupine.

I didn't know what he was thinking when he was in a daze before, but now it seems that he may not be thinking about anything.

One day, Zhongyuan Zhong also came to see me.

I still remember his extremely disappointed expression when he said "Qiu, if you want to die, don't die in front of me", so I was so guilty that I couldn't speak.

In all fairness, Zhong Yuan Zhong also treated me very well.Even during training, he was not at the same level as Dazai-san and Akutagawa.

I suddenly realized.

In addition to being my boss, Nakahara Chuya is also my good friend or family member, right?Because the way he looks at me is occasionally similar to the way Oda looks at me.

After figuring this out, I became less apprehensive about Central Plains.

Zhong Yuan came late at night, and he was not wearing a black suit but casual private clothes, with a few strands of orange-red hair hanging over his shoulders.Very handsome.

I was the first to say hello and admit my mistake: "Mr. Zhongyuan, good evening. It was my fault last time, I'm sorry."

Zhong Yuan: "...you know you're wrong again?"

I put on a well-behaved posture, and when I lowered my head, I let the neckline of the loose hospital gown droop, intentionally revealing the bloody bandage wrapped around the wound on my chest.

Zhongyuan Zhong also frowned, cursing and saying: "Don't let me die in front of you, you really went to find someone else to die, what a smart head!"

I was scolded honestly, anyway, he can't do anything now that I am like this.

After Zhongyuan reprimanded me for a few words, I couldn't scold me with my obedient attitude.

He took his phone out of his pocket.I recognized it as his personal cell phone.

Zhong Yuan said with a complex expression: "There is a recording, listen to it."

recording?

Zhong Yuanzhong also pressed the play button.

It is a voice that is freewheeling and cynical, deeply integrated into my flesh and blood, and engraved into my heart.

"If Takeshita-kun is still alive, please play this to him even in trouble~"

"A good boy knows how to be patient."

"When I'm not here, I have to learn to grow up by myself."

"Take care of yourself, Qiu."

Mr. Dazai, who has been missing for two whole weeks, said:

A good boy knows how to be patient.To learn to grow up.take care of yourself.

Mr. Dazai smiled and called my name:

"Autumn."