bedtime playlist

Yin Li went back by himself, thinking a lot about the future.Thinking about it, he began to worry uncontrollably. The reason why the ambiguous period was so sweet and touching was because it was not intimate enough, and many problems were not exposed. Things are hard to say, what would Huo Zhi think for a person who can't even do the trivial thing of sleeping well.

Yoon-ri messes himself up, and he knows he deserved it.

His fans all think that he is a god or a fairy, but in fact he is just an ordinary person with more serious emotions and desires. His day and night cannot be put together, and the color of his life is different in front of and behind others. Also very different.

Feeling extremely depressed, Yin Li tortured himself while listening to songs randomly played, but kept switching manually. 10 minutes passed, but he didn't choose a song he wanted to listen to until the music interface displayed the untitled recording File, Yin Li's movements stopped, and he changed the random playback to a single loop.

Just at this time, Huo Zhi's call came, and the moment the call ended, Yin Li suddenly decided that he would tell Huo Zhi word by word about those unspeakable matters.

After meeting, I don't know if Yin Li's shyness is not over yet, Huo Zhi always feels that Yin Li's state is different today.There was a tablet on the coffee table. In the video, a few primary school students were talking about their dreams. Yin Li motioned for him to sit over. Huo Zhidong moved his mouth, but sat down first without asking.

"Look at them, even the dreams are vivid and lovely." Yin Li's voice sounded hoarse than usual.

Sitting next to him, Huo Zhi even felt that Yin Li was trembling slightly, and he didn't allow him to ask, Yin Li continued: "Since I was ten years old, I seem to live for death every day."

Yin Li was indeed trembling, his fingers were tightly twisted together, Huo Zhi turned his head to look at him, a few strands of hair were hanging down the side of his face, blocking Yin Li's eyebrows and eyes.Huo Zhi patted him on the back lightly a few times, signaling him not to be afraid.

"My mother is crazy."

"I'm not very normal either."

"When I was ten, my mother committed suicide in front of me."

"When I was 20, I committed suicide too."

Yin Li's emotions and words made Huo Zhi extremely distressed, but Huo Zhi knew that he couldn't stop Yin Li from continuing to speak, and only by speaking out could the discomfort in Yin Li's heart go away.

"At school, when I went to school, I had to pretend to be good, because the head teacher wearing reading glasses was nice to me, and the chocolate that the girl in the second row gave me was very sweet."

"In my junior high school graduation review, the teacher wrote to me that although I was destroyed by life, I still love life and be strong and independent. But no, I always thought that my mother raised me soberly for ten years, and I took care of her for ten years , I’m going to die.”

"About Zhou Zhiyang, I actually understand that even if he is really gay, he probably wouldn't want to be with a heavy-hearted person like me."

Mentioning this person again, Huo Zhi couldn't help interjecting: "Yin Li, tell me something that hurts your heart. He just used you as a case to complete his graduation thesis. He never regarded him as a lover, not even you. ..."

"I don't treat me as a normal person, I know, I know later."

"Then you still...kill yourself for him." Huo Zhi said this, feeling like killing himself in the heart once.

Yin Li smiled: "You think I committed suicide because of a broken relationship? Sorry, the storyline is not so lingering."

"Why is that?" Huo Zhi couldn't help asking.

"Like I said, I didn't have any attachment to life when I was very young. I had already thought about it. There is a lake 700 meters north from the back gate of the school. It's very deep and clean, and there are no people there, but." Yin Liduan picked up. The cup drank a few sips of water, "I met Zhou Zhiyang that day."

"He saved you?" Huo Zhi asked a little uncomfortable.

"No, it was a passing janitor. He was a student assistant in the school's psychological counseling office at the time. He was also present when I was questioned by the school psychologist. From that day on, he began to approach me proactively."

"Before that, I always looked normal, and I even got many comments like being optimistic, cheerful and helpful during the democratic review in the freshman class." Yin Li smiled self-deprecatingly.

"About the details of my relationship with Zhou Zhiyang, it's really nothing. It's just that after I met him, he has been guiding me to live a correct life. I gradually seem to be able to live a normal life. For the first time, I am willing to go to the dark place of the cinema to watch Movies, instead of sitting in a bedroom with full lights because I am afraid of the dark every day. Occasionally participate in campus activities with him. Go to the cafeteria and restaurant to eat instead of buying snacks and sitting on the bench on the side of the road to deal with it.”

Huo Zhi was very sad to hear that, if only he knew Yin Li at that time.Yin Li lowered his head to see Huo Zhi was holding his hand tightly, neither of them realized when their hands overlapped.

"Later I told him everything about myself, let him know that I had a lot of knots in my heart, told him that sometimes I would unconsciously do things that hurt myself when I woke up from nightmares, and showed him myself The wound on the wrist."

Huo Zhi immediately put Yin Li's hand in his palm and looked at it carefully. Yin Li took the initiative to shake his hand: "If you don't look carefully now, you won't be able to see it." Rubbing.

"Then you know, the final result, I graduated and broke up at the age of 22. After the winter of the breakup, I was 23 years old. I have been singing in the coffee club for a while. The daytime is still the same as before, but every night is almost all night. I have nightmares, not because of others, but mainly because I can’t think about it. One day I was resting in the background and accidentally fell asleep. After waking up, I suddenly bumped my head against the guitar. I didn't realize what was going on until the forehead stayed, and that was the first time I suspected I was really sick."

"But what's funny is that my mother, who is always up and down, hasn't been sick for two whole months. She stays by my side every day. Even the nanny who takes care of her at home says that life is hopeful. At that time, I was lying alone. Looking at the ceiling from the bed, is there any hope? If she recovers from her illness, I can die without worries."

"At the age of 24, I joined the company inexplicably. When I was devoting myself to creation, I was much calmer. One third of the nights in a month did not dream. But two years later, I began to fall into that kind of pain. I used to think that part of the reason for anxiety It’s because I can’t be financially independent, and I can feel less anxious when I have money. Three years later, on my 27th birthday, I was lying in that quiet big house with a single family, and the only thought in my heart was that if I died here like this, I would definitely No one will find out."

"When I sang in the coffee club, I had to pretend to be good, because I didn't want to cause trouble for others. When I entered the company, I still had to pretend to be good, because the company boss asked me to sign once a day. It was really good. The contract has Five years, I decided to die in five years, but I met you again."

Yin Li looked up at Huo Zhi, with inexplicable complex emotions in his eyes: "Huo Zhi, that's why I dare not, I can't be a lover who only shares negative energy, and I can't afford to leave again."

Huo Zhi knew what Yin Li was worried about. Yin Li knew that he was good, but he was also afraid that one day he would take everything back.

So Yin Li always said "I'm fine", "Don't worry about me", "Stay away from me", he kept away everyone who wanted to get close to him in this kind of self-deception day after day ?Huo Zhi couldn't help thinking.

Yin Li, you are so stupid.

"You can also try to be vulnerable once in a while." Huo Zhi gripped his hand even tighter.

Yin Li lowered his head, thinking seriously about the gesture of Huo Zhi's words. Maybe he had a few chances to get rid of this state, but in the end he raised this demon with his own hands until it was big enough to swallow himself up. To a certain extent, he has nothing to do with his mental state. He has closed himself up year after year, and when he opens it again, he doesn't know what year and month it will be.

Yin Li couldn't tell whether he felt lonely or not. Before when he didn't pin his emotions on others, he had only himself in his world, so naturally he didn't feel empty, but now, whether he made room for Huo Zhi in his heart? Yin Li didn't dare to admit it.From the time when he found out that he was more inclined to pay attention to boys when he first fell in love in middle school, in terms of emotions, he has always responded by evading.

Huo Zhi didn't wait for his answer: "Yin Li, as I said, I can accept no matter what the reality is, and you should also slowly accept me, the so-called abnormal homosexual in the eyes of others."

Yin Li nodded.

"It doesn't matter if you don't like to talk or defend yourself, you can do whatever you want. Whether you are sick or not, no one can define you. Whoever you love and hate, no one can control you."

Yin Li is like a doll that has been wound up, only nodding repeatedly.

"Do you really think I'm normal?"

"Hey, I don't understand how to say it. You're not finished yet by saying you're stupid." Huo Zhi rubbed his hair, Yin Li thought that Huo Zhi was going to laugh at him, but the man put on a serious expression, " Zhou Zhiyang is not qualified to say anything about others, it's not that others are mentally abnormal, it's that he himself is not morally up to standard."

"Also, let me hit you again. That person is a fake rich second generation. Look at you, you have been cheated of your relationship and you haven't gotten any money."

Yin Li thought about it: "Then you still paid for it."

Huo Zhi originally thought that he was going to explain that he was not doing it for money, but when he heard this sentence, he remembered the middle school anecdote he told Yin Li before, and couldn't help laughing: "That's right, we are very different, and we can only rely on each other in the future For Gay."

Before Huo Zhi finished speaking, he touched the joints of the back of Yin Li's hand one by one, and continued: "That is his 'death sentence', you should not sentence you and me. You will start suffering after the twentieth century. , After the 21st century, I will give you all the sweetness."

Shyness made Yin Li lower his head immediately, holding back for a long time, just when Huo Zhi thought that Yin Li was going to say something from the bottom of his heart, he waited for Yin Li's very simple answer.

"It's really sour."

After saying these two words, Yin Li let go of his hand and turned his head away from looking at people.

"What's wrong?" After a while, Huo Zhi asked him.

"It's okay, what I said just now was a bit nasty, and now I feel a little embarrassed."

It turned out that I was still thinking about those words.

embarrassing?Why embarrassment, Huo Zhi said so many words, emotional ups and downs for so long, just feel very hungry at the moment.

"What to eat?"

Yin Li didn't answer.

Seeing Yin Li's uncomfortable appearance, Huo Zhi couldn't help teasing him: "I don't care about people, why don't I feel embarrassed too?"

Only then did Yin Li turn around, and said shyly, "I can do whatever you want."

Huo Zhi stood up, handed him the coat, and noticed Yin Li's ears that were brimming all over the place: "Okay, no matter you don't believe me or yourself, I always say that, I won't force you, you If we feel comfortable being friends, let’s be friends first.”

Yin Li nodded vigorously: "Okay."

Huo Zhi looked at him with a broken smile: "You were slow to respond to what I said before, but now you are quick enough to agree to a compromise." He gently brushed Yin Li's hair, "Brother What a coward."

The "Brother" yell was not very polite, and it fell on Yin Li's ears more like arousing interest. For a moment, he seemed to have poured accelerators into his blood, and his heart was beating wildly.

When he entered the restaurant and waited for the food to be served, Huo Zhi continued to make excuses endlessly: "Look, the finale in the restaurant is always served at the end, so it can be seen that a good meal is never afraid of being late, let alone what I am waiting for is me. To be the lover of life."

Yin Li took a sip of water, melting the thick honey in his heart.

Huo Zhi followed him with his eyes: "I don't know what else is on your mind, but if you want to say something in the future, my ears are waiting for you at any time."

"I see, you say that, it seems that I am a difficult person to get along with and serve."

"One more thing, don't say bad things about yourself in front of me." He thought about the anonymous music account, and added, "Even less in front of others."