i see your calling

Can Drugs Really Control Your Emotions?Shen Pingge had a skeptical attitude towards this.

Lian Yan does not resist taking medicine. She always swallows a lot of pills with warm water obediently. Sometimes she will choke or cough until her cheeks turn red or shed tears. At this time, she often drinks a few more pills. Just drool.Shen Pingge would rather him cry a few times, but Lian Yan never even cried.

After taking the medicine, Lian Yan often falls asleep, and her waking time is limited.The medicine should be divided into two doses. Sertraline is taken at noon, and the rest of the medicine is taken at night.In his spare time, Shen Pingge would take him to the movies. He watched a lot of movies, including "Hachiko", "La La Land", and "Lust, Caution".

Lian Yan seldom shows emotional fluctuations, just leaning on his shoulder to watch movies, and dozing off while watching.

As for the strong desire to commit suicide—Shen Pingge thought it was just an exaggerated statement by the doctor, and he couldn't imagine that Lian Yan who appeared here would have the motive of suicide.But he did not listen to anything Lian Yan said, even if Lian Yan said he wanted to eat strawberries, he would hold his hand and go to the kitchen to cut strawberries instead of leaving him alone.

Shen Pingge thought that he did everything flawlessly, but once Lian Yan fell asleep after watching a movie in the living room, when he was tidying up the bed, he found dozens of pills of various colors hidden under Lian Yan's pillow.

He has been preparing to die.

Those were all cold medicines, which were originally placed in the medicine box on the top floor of the study cabinet. Shen Pingge looked at them for a long time, and gently put all the medicines into the hot water to melt them, and threw the cloudy water into the toilet to flush them away.

Lian Yan may have discovered the disappearance of the pills, but no one mentioned it, keeping the secret silently.Shen Pingge took him to psychological counseling on Saturday. Lian Yan insisted on not being separated from him. She coaxed him for a long time before she was willing to go in. She was obviously reluctant when she went in, but when she came out, she was crying with red eyes and red nose, reluctant to let go Saying goodbye to the psychiatrist without hesitation, even started to smile at Shen Pingge, and offered to hug him.

When they went back, they took the bus. They took the bus for the first time in Beijing. They took the bus from the nearby stop sign to the last stop, and then came back. It was almost dark. Shen Pingge turned his head and asked him: "Doctor What did I ask you?"

Lian Yan didn't quite remember, she shook her head honestly, and just said: She is very patient and very nice.

The green outside the car window is moist and dense. Since the heavy rain, the sky has been clear, and the birdsong is piercing through the light spots. The summer exploded at the end of the bus and became a heat wave on the pavement. The moldy green moss burned away, and everything seemed to appear. It's a turnaround.

But Shen Pingge still underestimated the effect of the medicine, he took Lian Yan to buy clothes.Xu Bairan's vision is always right, Lian Yan's body proportions are really good, any kind of clothes suit him, and he doesn't smile much, like a cool guy.It's just that he was cautious when changing clothes, not letting Shen Pingge accompany him into the changing room, his eyes were shining -- he had a pair of beautiful eyes, and his eyes were like water, Lian Yan typed on the mobile phone: I want to drink milk tea.

"What do you want to drink?" Shen Pingge rubbed his hair and said with a smile, "Can Oreos be okay?"

Lian Yan thought about it seriously, nodded, her fair face was a little red, and she drew the curtain of the changing room.

The milk tea shop is right next to the clothes shop, and Shen Pingge never thought that Lian Yan would escape at that time.He bought milk tea and went back, but the changing room was empty, with new clothes hanging on hooks, he seemed to be running in a hurry, eager to leave his side.

That afternoon, Shen Pingge was running all the time, but he didn't call his name aloud. He seemed to be catching a sparrow. Excessive noise would scare the sparrow away.Half an hour later, he found Lian Yan by the desolate riverside, and watched Lian Yan climb up the high bridge with his own eyes, revealing the white bandage on her wrist.The tinkling of a box of pills in his hand hampered his movement.

What would have happened if he hadn't arrived in time?

Like Lian Yan's suicide in the rainstorm last month, he failed a drinking game and tried his best to get there, but he still couldn't make it.Crazy, or out of control, the cloud and rain above his head drenched his head, when he knocked open the door, a lot of blood still flowed out, it was red and bright, wet the bed sheet and the broken newspaper on the ground, Lian Yan just closed his eyes quietly. squinting.It seems that the whole world is crying, so the sound of the rain is pouring, and the frankness is straightforward.

But this time he caught up, and even Yan had no time to eat the box of medicine, and before he threw himself into the cold and dirty river, he hugged him by the waist, and the remaining two boxes of medicine in his pocket fell out, and the pills fell to the ground On the ground, it became a snow that could not be melted.They rolled on the dirty ground in a mess.Lian Yan struggled to break away from him, and began to cry, sobbed, and even kissed him on the cheek to please him, and said with gestures: Brother, don't pull me.

He bit his shoulder again through the thin short-sleeved material, but he didn't have much strength. He hugged Shen Pingge's neck slowly, crying so hard that Shen Pingge stroked the back of his neck and looked down at him. Hoarse: "You're just sick."

Lian Yan didn't speak, almost out of breath.

"The illness will get better, and it will get better gradually," Shen Pingge's eyes were red, he turned his head, and his lips touched the tips of his ears.This place is obviously so wide, but they hugged it tightly, as if the sky and the earth are big, but there are only two of them left, "Just live for me, okay?"

Lian Yan leaned against his chest, belching and nodding.

This incident seemed to be only an episode of that day, except that the clothes were a little dirty, the rest was no different.Shen Pingge fried steak for him at noon, and went to take medicine after the meal.He took Lian Yan's hand and went to the study to get the small box hidden in the drawer.

"You have come to the study and looked through it several times." Shen Pingge took out the black box and opened it, "Why didn't you find this?"

Inside was a platinum ring, without any decorations.Lian Yan looked at the ring in a daze, reached out to touch it, and quickly withdrew it.

"Aren't you bad? You hid the ring in the closet and didn't take it with you when you left the villa," they sat on the blanket, the golden sunlight outside came in through the window, clear and bright, and the platinum ring reflected the light , "I only found it when I moved, and it was hidden in your notebook."

Lian Yan entangled her fingers, her eyelashes trembled slightly, and he raised his eyes to look at Shen Pingge, with obvious uneasiness in his eyes.Shen Pingge put on the ring in front of him, the size was a bit big, dangling on the ring finger of his right hand.He spread his fingers, and the light passed through them, casting the shadow of his hand on the blanket.

Lian Yan gently tugged at his sleeve, shook her head, and gestured: "It's too cheap."

"Take it back," Shen Pingge leaned forward, they were so close that they could feel the warmth of their breath, "Then I'll give you a cheaper one too, so that it's evened. We're all cheapskates."

The meaning inside is too obvious.But if he can, he will buy Lian Yan a ring, gold, silver, platinum, plastic - if Lian Yan likes, iron is also acceptable.Shen Pingge clasped his hands together, his palms were so tense that he was sweating, and stared into Lian Yan's eyes.

But Lian Yan just lowered her eyelashes, poked her fingers at the soft fur on the blanket, and shook her head after a while.

Pulling the white paper off the table, Lian Yan found a pen and drew a horizontal line on it, an...an inverted cone-shaped cliff.Shen Pingge thought inappropriately, maybe Lian Yan has talent in painting, and his leaves are very similar.

Two small circles were drawn on the two sections of the cliff, Lian Yan clenched the pen tightly, and looked up at him nervously.

Shen Pingge pointed to the two little circles: "This is you, and this is me."

Lian Yan nodded.

They were still on a kind of precarious edge, separated at opposite ends of an inverted cone-shaped cliff, keeping a certain distance so as not to fall from the cliff.The gap in the middle melts very slowly, when will it be completely melted away?

Shen Pingge breathed a sigh of relief, propped his body back, and smiled sideways at him, thinking suddenly in his heart, when will he be able to kiss Lian Yan in a fair and honest manner? "

do not know.

But they are still young, years are not a problem for them, as long as they are alive - as long as they are alive, everything can usher in the answer and ending.

·

After taking sertraline for two weeks, he stopped taking the drug. Lian Yan’s mental state is better than before. The drug controls his thoughts, and he also goes for regular psychological consultation and physical examination. Lied to commit suicide.

Shen Pingge started school in September. Even though he didn't want to leave Lian Yan at home alone, he seemed to have no other choice. Lian Yan was afraid of strangers, and it seemed impossible to hire a nanny. Lian Yan had repeatedly assured him that he could sign language Very slow: I will not die, you can rest assured.

"Then you remember to put the noodles in the refrigerator, wash the vegetables and put them in the basin in the cabinet, it doesn't matter if the eggs are broken when you beat them. Forget it, I'll order takeaway for you at noon," Shen Pingge sighed , I always feel that I am long-winded, "I will be back at night, wait for me."

Lian Yan nodded obediently, waved to him, and watched him leave.

Shen Pingge's request to Lian Yan is only to live.

But Lian Yan's request to Shen Pingge is simpler.Some small things, such as going out for a walk with him on a sunny day, when autumn is coming, sitting next to the fruit stand by the roadside and dreaming, the dream is also the sweet and sour taste of oranges.For example, on a rainy day, instead of holding an umbrella, Lian Yan often smiles more happily at the risk of catching a cold and having a fever.For another example, when cooking, put more peppers, millet peppers are the best.

The white bandage on his wrist was removed at the end of September, and the scar turned white, leaving indelible marks.Lian Yan tried wearing short-sleeves in early autumn. In the mirror, he didn't lose weight, but gained some weight. Lian Yan suddenly didn't recognize herself, tried to pick up the corners of her mouth, and then smiled uncomfortably.

Lian Yan's illness is still not healed, and Lian Yan's mood is still unstable. Sometimes nightmares will wake him up at night, and he will cry for no reason, but Shen Pingge often wakes up with him. They hug each other, covered with heat. Khan, Shen Pingge held the back of his head, as if he hadn't fully woken up yet: "Do you know why we woke up together?"

"Because our dreams are interlinked, as long as I call your name a few times before going to sleep, I will have the same dream as you," Shen Pingge said seriously, laughing, "Believe it." ?"

Lian Yan looked up at him.

"You try it too, call me a few times in your heart, maybe you will have the same dream as me," Shen Pingge gently stroked his hair, "we can have good dreams together."

This kind of superstitious remarks can be most effective at night. Lian Yan did as he said, calling "brother" seventeen times in her heart, like counting sheep. She clearly planned to call twenty times, but fell asleep at number 17. caught.

There are no good dreams, nothing in sleep, just white and soft clouds.

October was November, and the tenth was coming sooner or later.This established law is the truth, but Shen Pingge doesn't know how to face this truth.

When Shen Yiming died, the red light in the emergency room seemed to be yesterday, and Lian Yan was still kneeling beside the bed crying, and the sound of hurried footsteps stopped abruptly.It has been a year since Shen Yiming died.

How could it be a year?It clearly felt that eight years, ten years, or even half a century had passed!The pain has stretched the line of memory, tormented and long, like a stretched rubber band, if it breaks, it will hurt badly.

Even Yan didn't mention the birthday, and they all kept silent tacitly.On November [-]th, Shen Pingge even had evening classes. After the evening class, when he saw Lian Yan at the school gate, Shen Pingge was shocked. It seemed that he had returned to more than a year ago. He will wait for him at the school gate when he gets off the train, carrying a schoolbag, and his eyes are expectant and bright.

"Why did you come here to wait?" Shen Pingge grabbed his hand, which was a little cold, "Have you waited for a long time?"

Lian Yan shook her head. They were holding hands, and their palms were sweating in the winter of November. The weather was fine during the day, and the moon was bright at night. The silvery white light produced veins on the ground, beating in the wind like a pulse.

Went up to the fourteenth floor, and smelled the aroma when he opened the door, Shen Pingge looked at the noodles on the dining table in astonishment, a bowl of delicate noodles, except for some lumps, there was nothing wrong with the rest, and fried eggs, Shen Pingge doesn't like chopped green onion, so he used diced meat -- oh, it's still a little cold.

Shen Pingge tentatively said, "Did you make it for me?"

Lian Yan nodded, took out the prepared note, and stuffed it into his palm.

-Brother, happy 20th birthday, ^o^/

Shen Pingge burst out laughing, thinking that expression was extremely cute, but the smile slowly disappeared.It was like this when they met for the first time. Lian Yan had prepared so many notes. Whenever he asked any question, Lian Yan would give a note. She pursed her lips and looked into his eyes. He is envious and humble.

Does Lian Yan now think he is perfect?He yelled at him on the busy road, said harsh words to him, and forced him to drink bad soup when he had a high fever. When he didn't shave in the morning, he was very messy. Maybe he would say something at night Talking in your sleep, you may scold unwarranted fate, scold God, and say "*** mother".In that case, would Lian Yan still think he was perfect?

But Shen Pingge still sees himself in the eyes of Lian Yan today, exactly the same eyes as back then.

They have to cry a lot before they are willing to remember this.

The noodles were soft and broke when bitten, and the salt was reduced, but Shen Pingge still finished them all, even the noodle soup, as if he was very hungry, when the chopsticks touched the bottom of the bowl, Shen Pingge lowered his head and laughed: "Did you know? I moved out of the villa the second month after we broke up."

Lian Yan raised her eyes to look at him when she heard the word "break up".

"My dad has the habit of keeping a diary. He is a very busy person. He is so busy that his feet don't touch the floor. He still has time to write in the diary. Where do you think he has the time?" Shen Pingge put down his chopsticks, pushed the bowl aside, Leaning on the table, his voice was very soft, "He writes every day. I packed my luggage at the time, and the moving company was waiting for me outside, so I sat on the ground and read the diary. Do you want to know what he wrote?"

"On April [-]rd, Pingge and Xiaoyan were in a relationship, must they be crazy..." Shen Pingge recited the contents of the diary slowly, his voice was a little hoarse, he and Lianyan looked at each other, and neither of them Avert your eyes, "It's impossible for two men to be together. Even if I accept it, no one will think highly of them no matter how others see them."

Lian Yan's eyes were red, and the tip of her nose was also red, and she bit her lip.

"June [-]th. I always thought it was right for Xiaoyan to go abroad. I thought about it for a long time. The education abroad is much better than the education abroad, and they can't go on like this. They will separate sooner or later. I might as well be a bad person. But Xiaoyan ran away, and Pinger chased after her, and when I was alone at the dinner table, I was a little confused about who was right."

"October 23rd." Shen Yiming's funeral was on November 23th. This day was less than half a month before Shen Yiming's death. Shen Ping paused and continued to say softly, "October [-]rd. They seem to I really don’t plan to separate. Even if I want to send Xiaoyan abroad, they are still the same. I think I am like a foreign enemy they resisted together. After all, I am not with them. Is homosexuality really right? I am old-fashioned But, if they really don't separate, I really don't seem to have any other way. Let's see again, after a while, if they really have to be with each other, then..."

Shen Pingge took a deep breath, looked into Lian Yan's eyes, and spoke slowly.

"Then maybe I, an old-fashioned old man, can accept it."

Lian Yan's tears fell all of a sudden, she covered her eyes with her hands, shrugged her shoulders in tears, her whole body seemed to collapse instantly, Shen Pingge reached out to touch his fingertips, and said: "Actually, he is about to accept We are."

"He didn't hate you, and he didn't hate me," Shen Pingge laughed softly, "I think there must be no ghosts in the world. If there were ghosts, they would definitely appear when you wanted to die, and pull you, maybe He will scold you and say 'I don't need you to accompany me, you give me a good life', think about his tone, he will definitely say that."

Shen Yiming was a hurdle between them, a topic and taboo that was difficult to bring up, if that diary found out early, maybe everything would not be what it is now.But it seems appropriate to appear at this moment.

"He will want you to live well, twenty, thirty, sixty, eighty..." Shen Pingge thought for a while, "It seems very good if you can live to a hundred, but you have to drink less and smoke less, yes ?"

Lian Yan choked and nodded, with tears in the corners of her eyes.

"Then let's try it together and see if we can live to be a hundred years old with less drinking and smoking," Shen Pingge clasped his hands together, and it hurt a little, as if flesh and blood grew together, and it was inseparable. Looking at him, "OK?"

Lian Yan nodded vigorously, and they kissed lightly in front of the dim light and the empty leftover bowl, the tears were astringent, but the lips were soft, the heart was burning hot, and the temperature rose, as if the youth from the age of 16 to the present had been burned At this moment, leaving behind aching, dark and bright red ashes.

·

Lian Yan planned to leave Beijing in February of the early spring and return to his original school to study. There was still one year of his leave of absence, so he had enough time to catch the train back.

About whether to study in Beijing or go back to the original place, Shen Pingge argued with him for a long time, but in the end he still had to succumb to Lian Yan's opinions and stubbornness.Lian Yan's condition is much more stable than before, and he doesn't need to take medicine so frequently. He said: I can do it myself, I don't need you to stay with me all the time.

Shen Pingge was worried about Lian Yan relying too much on him before, but when Lian Yan asked to go to school by himself, he couldn't let go of his mind.He is preparing to graduate early, and he can get his graduation certificate this summer. If possible, he would rather Lian Yan stay here with him until the summer.But he also knew that Lian Yan should not just be kept in captivity on the fourteenth floor, he should have his own life.

They were on the train together, and there were several bottles of medicine in Lian Yan's schoolbag. Shen Pingge gently squeezed his fingers when he fell asleep, and watched the dawn layer upon layer drown the night.They went through the formalities on a sunny day, went to buy books, and picked out nice pens and pencil cases. Shen Pingge said, "I don't worry about you."

Lian Yan kissed his cheek, leaned on his shoulder, and laughed silently.

Shen Pingge promised to take medicine, sleep well, see a psychiatrist once a month, and call once every two days, Shen Pingge was willing to leave.

It is not easy to pick up the studies that have been abandoned for more than a year. He is surrounded by strange classmates. He lives in the dormitory, but he doesn't know anyone.But the head teacher didn't change, it was still the same one, they were as friendly as old friends reunited, the head teacher patted him on the shoulder: "You have to study hard when you come back to study, there is still a year and a half before the college entrance examination, it's early, no Just ask me, do you understand?"

Lian Yan smiled and nodded.

He wanted to try to leave Shen Pingge temporarily and live independently, and took this as a test of whether they could go on in the long run. The longing was certainly tormenting, but when they met each other and kissed, everything seemed to heal.

The writing that had been abandoned was also picked up again. Lian Yan wrote what she wanted to write and tried to contribute. After failing many times, she finally succeeded for the first time.He was sure that he liked literature and words.In addition to writing, Xu Bairan also often invited him to take pictures, using favors to force him to go. When he was sick, Lian Yan was not interested in everything, but now everything seemed to attract him.

"When you graduate later, you can try to become a professional model, maybe you can," Xu Bairan said while sorting out the pictures on the computer, "Good faces are easy to find, but not everyone can be a good model of……"

Lian Yan thought for a while, and said "hmm".

He still has a long time to go, maybe this can be tried.

In April, Shen Pingge came to the school to celebrate his 19th birthday and gave him a ring.

It's also a platinum ring, and the candlelight on the birthday cake refracts light. Shen Pingge looked at the ring on his ring finger, "Hey, what's this called? It's the same style for couples."

Lian Yan laughed and went to pinch his face, Shen Pingge grabbed his hand, put the ring on him slowly and solemnly, kissed the back of his hand, "Once you wear it, you will marry me .”

Lian Yan blushed and nodded, shy not daring to look at him, and kissed him again.

They were drunk that night, the liquor was bought on the spur of the moment, and the drunkenness was also impromptu. Lian Yan kept wearing that ring, as if she had just learned how to kiss. She kissed back and forth at the French windows of the hotel, but she couldn't kiss enough. Shen Ping Ge also complained to him: "I always miss you very much." When kissing the tattoo on his back, he said hoarsely: "Baby, baby, wife..."

Lian Yan responded to him, saying I love you, although it was silent, it seemed to be heard in the air.

The voice gradually became farther away, as if it was far away from him, passing through a long time.

That night Lian Yan had a dream.

A very long dream, which seems to sum up his life in a short night. He walked out of the musty green security door, started from the North Pole, passed the portrait of Cleopatra, and the destination was the equator, where the red-hot molten lava and In the rain forest, he saw Shen Pingge in the thick fog, and Shen Pingge came from the Antarctic. They rushed to each other from afar, and finally got drunk at the equator and agreed to die in love 80 years later.

Lian Yan knew, clearly knew that no matter whether he could speak or not, whether he was mute or deaf, Shen Pingge could see his call and came to see him.

Going around for so long, still young, still vigorous, still fresh.It is not too late in spring, summer, autumn and winter, 100 years, and 80 years later. They have enough time to explore everything in the world, continue to be reckless, continue to cry and laugh-they are all alive.

These are enough for them to fall in love.

The author says:

I'm done.I am really very grateful to everyone who has accompanied me through these seven months. Without you, this book would not have been completed. I have thought about not writing it countless times. Is it useful to write this?Is it necessary to write down the bad grades?I really didn't expect to be able to stick to it, thank you everyone! ! TT remember to come to Weibo to find me to play @不改野火 see you next time! ! !I hope to see a long review TT