i see your calling

It was cloudy when they arrived, and there was no beautiful sunlight, and the night came early.Lian Yan began to feel at a loss, because he didn't know where he should stay. If he wanted to classify, he was a parasitic animal, and he needed a definite place to live.

There will not be one more bed in the school dormitory, and the hotels on the street are too expensive, Lian Yan thought, if Shen Pingge left him on the side of the road, he would not cry, he would take the train back by himself.

But Shen Pingge took him to the hospital. He had just come out of one hospital, but turned around and entered another hospital without hesitation.The wound on the wrist did not hurt so much, and Lian Yan even drew on it, drawing three black leaves with a ballpoint pen.

People are happy to come to the hospital?There were crying all the time, the eyes of the people laying on the floor were black and blue, Lian Yan didn't know what they were waiting for, but habitually hid behind Shen Pingge, guessing what kind of illness Shen Pingge had.

They don't need to wait. They should have made an appointment in advance. While waiting for the elevator, Shen Pingge turned his head and asked him, "Mind if I hold your hand?" He added, "It won't hurt you."

Lian Yan was still wearing long sleeves, he was the only one willing to wear long sleeves in the hot summer, his hands under the sleeves were thin and pale, he hesitated, and handed him his right hand.Shen Pingge held the tip of his four fingers, gentlemanly but restrained, just afraid that he would get lost.

It wasn't until Shen Pingge let go of his hand in front of the door and gently pushed him forward that Lian Yan realized that he was sick.

"Go to that room and listen to the doctor."

The identity of the patient was suddenly pressed on top of his head, Lian Yan was instinctively disturbed by this, shook her head, and gestured: I am not sick, so I will not go.

"Just 10 minutes, you are obedient," Shen Pingge rubbed his hair, "I will give you a surprise when you come out, okay?"

Lian Yan gestured in sign language and said: Then will you wait outside?

"Yes," Shen Pingge paused, then said softly, "I won't leave."

Before the door is opened, there is always room for imagination. Lian Yan fantasizes that there may be a desert inside, or there may be ghosts and ghosts hiding inside.But there was just a doctor in a white coat sitting with a computer next to him.He sat in front of the doctor and put on a heavy instrument. The instrument was like an octopus, with its teeth and claws open, and it was cool against the ear, and it was still beeping, just like in a science fiction novel.

The instrument made a cold voice: "Please use 'green' to form three words."

Like a simple coinage in elementary school, Lian Yan thought of "green" from "green" to wet moss, the kind of moss that grows on stones buried in river mud, and green snakes that emerge from the grass, spitting bright red. Nobuko, I don't know if she will take the initiative to attack humans, using her venomous fangs.

The light from the computer screen was refracted by the doctor's lenses as green lines, fluctuating strangely with his thoughts.

Lian Yan still didn't feel that he was sick, but he still endured the urge to leave, listening to Yi Yi's question without emotion, did Yi Yi want to understand him?But the instrument didn't ask him if he was happy recently, nor did he ask if he wanted to cry.

After wearing the cold equipment, everything was not over yet. He went to the small room to do questions, eye movement tests, brain CT images, routine electrocardiograms, and various complicated tests. Lian Yan even missed him. Did you have some kind of terminal illness?When the diagnosis result came out, he touched Shen Pingge's arm, hesitantly gestured: Is it a serious illness?

"No," Shen Pingge replied quickly, "it is a disease that can be cured soon."

Lian Yan gestured: If it is serious, don't spend a lot of money on my treatment.

Shen Pingge was silent for a long time, and said, "Why?"

The feeling was indescribable, like a high fever, but without the scorching temperature of the forehead, just the numbness of the tip of the tongue, lack of feeling for everything, as if lost the ability to interact with the outside world.Lian Yan couldn't answer this, but just lowered her head and shook her feet.

At about 10:30 in the evening, when the diagnosis result came out, Lian Yan wanted to hear it, but Shen Pingge put on wireless headphones for him, and the sound of the music drowned him out.Shen Pingge always seemed to be like this. When he was fighting with Yang Zhi before, he also put earphones on him to prevent him from listening to the sound.Now it's even more extreme, not letting him listen to his illness.

He propped his chin, tapped the right earphone twice, and in the quiet moment when he cut the song, he heard the doctor say: "moderate depression and mild bipolar disorder."

Taking off the earphones and hiding them in the palm of her hand, Lian Yan watched them quietly.

"According to what you said, he has been under too much pressure for nearly a year, and his own mental capacity is not high, so he has the previous suicide behavior." The doctor flipped through the test sheets in the folder, " Our recommendation is hospitalization."

"Can I choose to go home for treatment?" Shen Pingge asked.

"Yes, we will not interfere with this, but his perception of emotions will be weak now, his reaction to the outside world will be slower than before, and he will not be able to actively respond to emotions, and may be accompanied by subsequent suicide behavior. Are you sure you want to go home for treatment? "

"In the hospital, there are too many patients here, he is afraid of strangers, he may be very scared," Shen Pingge lowered his eyes, spoke slowly, and considered every word, "and... I want to be with him."

"That's okay," the doctor sat up straight and clasped his hands, "but there is one thing you need to know, there is sertraline in the initial medication for depression, and sertraline may make patients have a strong desire to commit suicide , During this period of time, he cannot leave people by his side."

Lian Yan put on the earphones again, and the music automatically started playing again. This time, it was a woman's chanting, chanting in Cantonese softly and softly. He could still hear Shen Pingge's words in his voice.

"He may also take various measures to commit suicide, that is to say, you can't believe what he says." The doctor smiled helplessly, "You know, if a person insists on seeking death, he can say anything .It will last about two weeks. Do you have to go home for treatment?"

Lian Yan hated this doctor, thinking that he was slandering herself as a liar.Even though he was not noble, he never lied to Shen Pingge, but he couldn't speak, so he could only glance at the doctor indifferently, and continued to listen to his song.

"Well. After all, I'm still on summer vacation and I have plenty of time." Shen Pingge turned his head to look at Lian Yan again, thinking that his words were obscured by the music in the earphones, but Lian Yan heard his words clearly in the silence, Shen Pingge explain.

"I'm not going to leave him again."

·

At twelve o'clock in the morning, the temperature was [-] degrees, the street window lights were turned off, the bright yellow lights blended with the dim green leaves of sycamore trees, Shen Pingge was silent all the way, but the speed of the car was as slow as ever, Lian Yan leaned on the car The windowpane fell asleep, only waking up when the car stopped.

"Here we are," Shen Pingge leaned over to unbuckle his seat belt, and looked at him with a smile, "Would you like to see our home?"

our home.

This was the surprise Shen Pingge gave him.

This term was completely new to Lian Yan, he didn't even know that Shen Pingge had a house in Beijing, or that it was the property left by Shen Yiming.Shen Pingge still held his hand and pressed the elevator button on the fourteenth floor.

"I bought a house on the fourteenth floor, because the lighting is very good, there are floor-to-ceiling windows, and there is a large balcony with plants growing inside." Shen Pingge looked down at him with a gentle voice, "Would you like floor-to-ceiling windows? Want to buy a dog or not, you can take care of the dog at home."

Lian Yan shook her head, looked up at the numbers on the LED screen, her eyes were calm.

Various tests and physical examinations made Lian Yan sleepy. He just wanted to sleep. For this new house, the novelty only burned for a while, and the ashes that were blown out were nowhere to be found.After opening the door, Lian Yan saw the huge floor-to-ceiling windows for the first time, and there was no moon.

He said: Brother, I am so sleepy.

"Then go to bed, but you need to change the dressing first." Shen Pingge went to remove the bandage on his left wrist, saw the leaves on it, paused, and continued to remove it slowly. This time, no one covered his eyes for him , Lian Yan saw the hideous wound, some scabs had formed, but there was still some blood.The circular scar on the arm was also exposed.

It was really ugly, Lian Yan bit her lip, wanted to withdraw her arm, and looked at him beggingly, but Shen Pingge didn't let him move, rubbed the round wounds that had already healed with her fingertips, and said softly: "It hurt a lot at that time. ?"

Lian Yan shook her head.

"I've always wanted to ask you, I... thought that if you leave me, at least you will be much freer, less painful, and won't cry all the time," Shen Pingge's Adam's apple moved, his voice hoarse, "You just make yourself In this way."

Lian Yan hesitated, reached out to touch Shen Pingge's cheek, and mouthed "It really doesn't hurt".

How do you respond to this?Because I miss you very much, it is painful to miss you, and burning myself with a cigarette can relieve the pain.But Lian Yan didn't want to talk, nor did she want to explain these things.He seemed to be standing in mid-air, pulled out his flesh/body, and looked at Shen Pingge's emotions with detachment.

The powdered medicine was sprinkled on the wound, Yan Yan didn't even frown, she quietly watched him cut the clean white bandage, and wrapped it carefully layer by layer.It was time to put down the sleeves, but just as Lian Yan wanted to withdraw his hand, Shen Pingge suddenly leaned over his chest and kissed his small scar. At that moment, Lian Yan definitely felt the fluctuation of emotions, which caused her body to tremble violently. His eyes were wide open, and the soft touch made him feel like he was in a dream—a soft rain cloud in a dream.

The scars became a shackle at this moment, tightly fastening them, binding them together, and even felt a wet touch, Lian Yan was not sure if Shen Pingge was crying, and lacked the courage to explore, just looked at him blankly, It seemed that he saw the rose thorn growing through the soil, he didn't want to hurt Shen Pingge, so he tried to hug him, being cute and gentle.

·

This home has all the necessities for his life, including pajamas and blue flip-flops, Shen Pingge cooked noodles for him, Lian Yan only ate half of it, and Shen Pingge had to eat the rest.

The pills made noises in the medicine box, and Lian Yan took the medicine with warm water—sertraline, Shugan Jieyu capsules, and mirtazapine tablets were written on the medicine box.Shen Pingge watched him take the medicine, Lian Yan opened his mouth to check him, and smiled rarely, revealing two dimples.

They also took a bath together, Lian Yan held up her left hand to avoid getting water on it, the humid and hot steam reminded Lian Yan of the question that the instrument asked him. "What impression do you have when you think of the tropical rainforest?" Lian Yan wrote on the paper, dying for love.

Suffocation in water vapor is a very romantic way to die. The hero who died in the bathtub in the history books, with a knife stuck in his chest, let the blood flow into the bathtub in a golden and melancholy way. It was his mistress who made him die.

The sleeping ingredients in the medicine took effect, and Lian Yan fell asleep while taking a bath. He was so sleepy, his skin was steamed pink, and the wound seemed to be washed and faded, like milkberries in an orchard in spring.He didn't have any dreams either, but before falling into the dream, he felt the kiss, landing very lightly on his cheek and the tip of his ear.

Maybe it's real, maybe it's an illusion, but Lian Yan didn't think much about it, she didn't even bother to open her eyes to take a look, and soon fell asleep.

The author says:

Their problems will be solved slowly, don't worry, it's not suitable for reunion now.This chapter is quite sweet... OVO

This chapter consults a friend of mine who once suffered from severe depression and bipolar disorder. I hope there are no professional problems