my samurai lover HE

?I can't tell you exactly how those first days were spent on the "Princess Mary" that left Yokohama.

I just remember that most of the time on the return trip, I pretended to be seasick and unwell, and hid alone in the cabin in a daze.The sea water in the Pacific Ocean is as turbulent as when I came here, but I am no longer nervous and excited like when I went to Japan.I know very well that a certain part of me has stayed in Japan forever with my Soujiro.

My husband, his bowed body on the bank, his head bowed and crying, can always appear in front of me.As long as I think of the scene of parting that day, I feel like a knife is twisting in my heart.

Sojiro.I was holding the mahogany chip bracelet in my hand, the only thing I took with him when I left Japan.It reminds me that there are people I love the most in the land of Japan that is getting farther and farther away.

My father was mad at me all the time.Although he was reluctant to punish me in the end, it was always difficult for him to give me a good face when he saw me.My mother only wants me to be with her. Her mood is still not stable, and she always hopes that I can accompany her.Leaving Japan has already exhausted me physically and mentally, and it is difficult for me to cheer up to chat with her.Sometimes when my mother was reading the Gospel and talking about some trivial things, I could lose my mind while listening.

I can always think of the short days I spent in Yukoji, in the interval between my mother's deep chanting and the noise of the sea, I secretly miss the voice of Soujiro when he hugged me and whispered in my ear.I can actually get a kind of secret happiness, like a thief sucking a stolen treasure.

As our ship approached the United States day by day, my mother's spirit became better and better. She often held my hand and talked about her future plans.

In the morning of this day, her interest came, and she took me to the sheltered place on the deck for a stroll.

"We could go to Atlanta first, and visit your aunt there, and then go to Charleston."

Mother touched my cheek affectionately, and put my wind-blown hair back on my head.

"Perhaps you can find a nice lad or two..."

"...No, Mom."

I know what my mother is thinking. When I return to the United States, no one will know about my "scandalous incident" in Japan.They can act as if nothing happened, and still calmly arrange for me to marry and have children.

I tightened my grip on the mahogany chip bracelet around my wrist.May I?Can it really be as if nothing happened?

No!There is a voice in my heart screaming frantically, I have followed you back to the United States, I have left my beloved lover, but I will never wipe him out of my memory as easily as you do Erase it!What's more, he said he wanted me to wait for him!He said he would come find me!

"Mom." I think my voice was still a little trembling, and I smiled at her in front of me.

My blunt interruption just now may have frightened her, and she looked at me with a somewhat terrified expression.

"I, I still don't want to get married so soon." I took a deep breath and said to her in a soft voice.

My mother stared at me for a while, as if I had spoken a shocking language, and suddenly she cried out in a sharp voice:

"You're still thinking about that little Japanese man, aren't you?"

She held my shoulder nervously, and I could feel the vibration in her heart transmitted to my shoulder through her trembling palm.

"Oh, Mary, you can't do this." She looked at me pleadingly with tears in her eyes.

"Forget about him, Mom, please, don't think about that man again."

I looked sadly at my mother's gray hair and wrinkles at the corners of her eyes, but in the end I didn't pour out the words from my heart.I'm already in such pain, why should I hurt her heart again?

"No, mother."

I whispered, leaned over and hugged her who was still a little thin.I reached out and stroked her curly hair, leaning on her shoulder.

"I just think it's too soon, and I don't want to think about getting married yet."

My mother seemed to be relieved, she held my shoulders and looked at me, complaining.

"That's good." The wrinkles at the corners of her eyes loosened softly.

But it seems that she doesn't intend to make concessions in this regard, and she is very determined to marry me off.

"You're going to be 20 soon," she thought, "Get ready now, after you get married, you'll have children, that's a matter of a year or two..."

She stopped talking suddenly, didn't say any more, but looked at me in surprise.

"Mom?" Her face was so weird that I had to call her carefully.

"Mary!" Mother grabbed my hands vigorously, and she seemed to be a little emotional, "Tell me, have you had your period these days on the boat... huh?"

"Mom?" Her topic changed so suddenly, I didn't realize it for a while, and thought back in a daze, "I should be..."

I can't answer anymore. I didn't realize until now that although I have been on the ship for more than two months, I have never had a period!

This should be a very important thing for a woman, but leaving Japan shocked me so much that I didn't even notice the abnormality of my body.And during this time, apart from sitting beside my mother in a daze, I was lying alone in the cabin and immersed in memories, and my mother's mental state was not so good, and none of us found out about it.

Mother's mouth was half open, her face twisted in despair, staring at me in horror, as if there was a monster standing in front of her.I think my complexion is probably not much better, my hand subconsciously caressed my lower abdomen, I have a child here?

"My God!" she screamed palely, "how could such a thing happen!"

After finishing speaking, she closed her eyes, took two steps back, and fell limply on the deck in front of me.

After calling someone to carry my mother back to the cabin, I had to face my father's anger and questioning.

"What did you say to your mother again, huh?" My father looked at my mother who was still lying on the bed with her eyes closed, avoided the doctor who was examining her and gave her smelling salts, and pulled me into a corner to ask.

He looked at me, with anger that couldn't be concealed in his blue eyes: "Say! Did you tell her about that little Japanese bastard again!"

I shivered and took a step back involuntarily.

"No, it has nothing to do with him."

"Then why did your mother faint?"

My father obviously didn't believe my veiled answer, but I just lowered my head and insisted that my mother just fainted for a while because of the sea breeze blowing for too long and seasickness.

I know my excuses are so poor that even I can't believe them.But at this moment, I only know that no matter what, I can't let my father know that I may be pregnant with a child.

child.As long as I think of this, I feel an inexplicable courage surge up.This is what Soujiro left for me, not a flimsy bracelet, not an illusory promise.This is real, both me and his flesh-and-blood child.

"Mary, Mike, dear."

Mother had woken up, and we heard her calling us in a low voice.

"Honey!" Father walked over, took her hand and asked softly.

"How are you? How do you feel now?"

Mother nodded weakly, then turned to follow behind my father, looking at her with some anxiety.

I looked at her pleadingly, hoping she would not tell Dad about it anyway.I think I must look very pitiful, mother hesitated for a while, and then said to father:

"Honey, can I speak to Mary?"

My father straightened up, stared at me with a serious expression for a while, then nodded, and then walked towards me.

"Mary," he looked a little tired, and touched my cheek, and I realized that I had already burst into tears before I knew it, and my cheeks were wet.

"Stop making your mother angry."

"Yes." I replied in a low voice, watching him strode out and closing the door gently.

"Mary," the mother lay weakly on the bed, her voice was soft but with unquestionable firmness.

"This child cannot be kept."

"Mom!" I yelled out loud, my legs and feet softened, and I knelt and sat on the edge of the bed.

I should have known that the possibility of my mother agreeing to keep it was very slim, but I still refused to give up and shouted: "But, but this is my child!"

"But you are my child, Mary." Mother closed her eyes, refusing to look at my pleading face.

"I can't let you be ruined by this child. I will arrange everything for you when I get to the shore."

"No, no..." My tears couldn't stop, blurring my eyes and making me unable to see my mother's appearance.

Through my blurred vision, I seem to see a young man talking to me expectantly with a soft smile.

"Ah, what do you think our child will be like? Will it look like you, or will it look like me?"

I closed my eyes forcefully, shutting the phantom out of sight, and threw myself on the edge of the bed and cried bitterly.Mother didn't say a word, just patted my back slowly.

In the next few days, I lived in the pain of struggling.No matter how I was reluctant to part with the child in my womb, I still couldn't face the tearful face of my mother.She became even more neurotic than before she got on the boat, and she couldn't keep me under her nose all the time.

Dear young man, I am not as brave as you think.I almost succumbed to my mother's entreaties and tears.Then there wouldn't be your father, and you wouldn't be sitting here listening to me tell this corny story.

But in the end I chose to escape and returned to Japan, the motherland of my beloved.It came from a dream, and I once thought it was God's will for me.In the many years that followed, I thanked God and fate countless times. If it wasn't for that dream, I might never see my lover in this life, and I could only grow old alone with regret and longing for him.