[Comprehensive] Escape from shame is useless

Kuroki Masato asked the school for a few days off, and Yue Hao took Jasmine back to her home in Tokyo on the grounds that Jasmine also needed to rest.After playing with her for two days, when she proposed to take her to see a doctor again, she refused.

"I feel like I've been doing well lately and I don't need to see a doctor."

She was not reporting good news but not bad news, but she really thought so.

Although many things happened during this period, she handled them well.She relieved Miwa in the best possible way, freed Aomine before he suffered more damage, and captured that crazy fan Pappoulis.This feeling of achieving your goals through your own efforts rather than the help of others makes you feel extra comfortable.

Didn't her god also say it?She is a very powerful person!

While her music might not be great stuff, the rest of it is great! ——Recently she began to have such thoughts.

"Compared to this, Mom, will you accompany me to buy a new violin tomorrow? I haven't played the violin for several days, and I feel like a cat scratching me all over, which is really uncomfortable."

"So you promised her? Didn't you say that you will wait until the doctor sees it?"

After their daughter fell asleep, the Kuroki couple started discussing quietly in the room.

"Doesn't she want to go?" They couldn't force her to go to the hospital. "It's just a violin. She just wants to buy it first."

"But the doctor said that if she continues, her condition is likely to get worse. This time she finally took the initiative to break the piano. I thought she had made up her mind, but it turned out not to be the case."

"That's right, if we had persisted a little longer back then, we wouldn't have been worn down so easily by her..."

Thinking of it, they were discouraged.At the beginning, the doctor suggested that until Jasmine’s PTSD was completely cured, she should not touch anything that might cause her mental breakdown, not only competitions and performances, but even music itself.

But they only lasted a month.

Because I really couldn't bear it, couldn't bear to watch Jasmine forcefully smile every day, couldn't bear her empty eyes, sitting lonely like a stone sculpture in the piano room.Forcibly stripping the violin from her life is like stripping the soul from her body.She can cry, laugh and talk, but she is like a beautiful doll, without any light in her eyes—as if even the desire to live has disappeared.

So when Jasmine suddenly said that she wanted to continue playing the violin a month later, they had to nod.Even if the doctor said everything would be fine, they still felt that if they refused their daughter's request at that time, she might never "come back to life".

After the daughter picked up the violin again, she studied and played at school during the day, and played ball and practiced the piano after school. Except that she never went to the piano class again, everything returned to the original appearance, and the symptoms did not seem to get worse. sign.It seems as if they have the best of both worlds, but they have always been vaguely uneasy about it.

Was the original decision right or wrong? Did it help her, or did it make her farther and farther away from recovery?

They still have no answer to this question.

So after many years, after going against the doctor's advice, I want to seek help from the doctor again.

So at lunch the next day, Yaren brought up the matter of going to the doctor again.

"Why do I have to go? I don't think my illness will have any impact on my life. It doesn't matter if I die, right?"

"It's not that you don't know, this kind of disease is not just what you think is good, the doctor has the final say." Just as she opened her mouth to refute, Ya Ren added, "You see, you lost control of your emotions two days ago, Did you almost jump off a building because of such a big thing as a broken relationship?"

Jasmine also choked, speechless by the lies she made up!

"Afterwards, you also said that you don't know what you thought at the time. Isn't this a typical mental instability?"

Yue Hao patted her hand, "Don't worry, we're still looking for the doctor from before, and you know him too. After the examination, if there's nothing wrong, you can practice the piano and prepare for the exam with peace of mind, right?"

"……All right."

Anyway, it's just a test and a chat with the doctor, it's not a big deal, just check it.

However, the situation is not as optimistic as they thought.

After the examination, Jasmine also felt very good about herself. She didn't want to wait for the results in the hospital, so she took Yue Hao to play tennis at a nearby tennis court first.Yaren who was waiting in the hospital couldn't believe his eyes when he got the report card.

[The situation is critical, it is recommended to be hospitalized immediately. 】

Several enlarged and bold characters were printed on the top of the medical certificate, like a clumsy prank, which made him unable to believe that this was the reality before them.

"Doctor Midorima, what's going on? Jasmine seems to have gotten better recently, why did the test results get worse?" His daughter is lively and cheerful, and she doesn't seem to be that serious at all.

"Didn't you say before that PTSD doesn't have much impact on your life as long as you don't stimulate that critical point? Why do you suddenly need to be hospitalized again?"

"Being better is just an appearance. In fact, her spirit is very tense, almost tied by a thread." The serious middle-aged doctor picked up a pen and drew two stick figures on the paper beside him.Then draw many lines on the stick figure on the left, point to it and say:

"If the stability of the human spirit is represented by lines, normal people are like this, with multiple 'connections' at the same time. The more such 'connections', the more capable they are in the face of external pressure and pain. To resolve, the less it will be particularly severely shocked. Even if some of them are broken, it will not cause too much impact. And Ling Qianjin—"

He draws a thin line on the stick figure on the right and says:

"She has only one thread, and it's connected to something related to the violin. Once this 'connection' is broken...she may have a complete mental breakdown."

"But she usually behaves normally, no mania, no depression, and her interpersonal relationship is also very good—"

"That's a problem in another category. It has nothing to do with her mental stability. About this, Mr. Kuroki, I hope you will be mentally prepared in advance." Doctor Midorima pushed his glasses, paused for a while, and gave Masato more time.

Sensing that there might be worse things to come, Yaren took a deep breath, held his breath and nodded concentratingly.

"……You say."

"Ling Qianjin's normality may not come from her gentleness, but from her indifference to the world." He tapped the stick figure on the right again, "I know it may be difficult for you to accept, but the truth is very That might be it. She has only one spiritual anchor, which, besides saying that it means more to her than anything else, means that everything else is meaningless.”

"But, but Jasmine also cares about us and her friends..." Otherwise, how could she even smash the piano because of them?According to the doctor, what she smashed was her spiritual pillar!It is illogical to destroy important things for unimportant things!

"I'm not talking about her subjective consciousness, but her subconsciousness. Her subconsciousness makes her respond to the outside world slower than ordinary people. Whether it's kindness or malice, love or hurt, it's hard for her to distinguish, It's hard to perceive, because the subconscious will delete all these as useless information. So when she expresses herself outside, it will make people think that she is very simple, magnanimous, and easy to satisfy. But this is just the appearance, in the final analysis, it is because all this is for the It doesn't matter at all to her."

unimportant?Everything but the violin, doesn't matter?

No, she likes tennis so much, likes them, likes Yuno and the others, it's impossible...

"The more emotional her subjective will is, the deeper her subconscious is dry. Because she can't get enough energy from the outside world, she starts to make up for her own shortcomings. This kind of self-help is actually meaningless, because she Her subconscious mind refuses to establish a 'connection' other than that one. If there is no further treatment, she will delete everything other than this 'connection' one day. And at that time, once that 'connection' is broken..."

Her spiritual world is over.

Why is this happening?

He sat slumped in the waiting hall of the hospital, staring at the medical certificate in his hand in a daze.In his mind, Doctor Midorima's voice kept echoing.

[When you dealt with the problems of the year, you should have downplayed her obsession with the violin and music, and used other methods to fill the resulting void.Let her understand that even if she doesn't have the violin, she is still loved by the world, and there are still many things worth pursuing.This process may be painful at first, but after that period of time, her connection with the world—that is, this kind of "connection" will gradually increase.Starting from the family and re-establishing, slowly expanding to the outside world...]

What they did was really wrong. They failed to bring the child back to the sun, but stood alone forever on a dark and narrow high platform, looking around, seeing nothing but desolation.

【You failed to hold on, causing her world to be reduced to that very single thing.Not only that, but she even established the wrong concept that the violin is equal to the meaning of existence.I should have emphatically reminded you that this is the number one no-no thing to do when treating PTSD.Now her problem can no longer be solved simply by treating PTSD. 】

Not only that, but also let her personally smash the violin, which is the pillar of her soul, and use her flesh and blood to build a city wall to protect them.But she was still complacent about it, thinking that she had stepped out of her own circle and walked to them on her own initiative.

"Father!" Jasmine also happily ran over with a can of fruit juice, "Here, the special version of the secret peach juice concentrate for the tennis court!" smiling.

"Have the test results come out? I'm sure it's all right. Don't just sit here in a daze, it's time for lunch." She pushed her father's back and walked out, showing off her new discovery with a smile .

"I just passed by a ramen shop. It's super delicious. My mother also said that I really want to try it. Hurry up, really, Dad, you are always so naughty, I'm starving to death! Hurry up!"

[Don't be fooled by her normal appearance, she has no idea what she is doing. 】

Every time she cares for others, it comes from the empty and lonely cry in her heart.

Every time she forgives others, it comes from the redemption of her own sins.

But she can't save herself after all, everything she needs can only be given by the only silk thread.But what is connected to the other side of that silk thread is the abyss she has been unable to get out of until now—the blood-stained stage that keeps reappearing in nightmares.

It's like an endless cycle, a maze with no way out.

The more she struggled, the deeper she sank.

Unlike the two of them eating and fighting with relish, this meal was the most unpalatable lunch that Yaren had ever eaten.I can't taste it on my tongue, and my stomach is full of gas.The process of chewing and swallowing can only be repeated mechanically until the whole thing is eaten.

After the meal, the mother and daughter discussed the agreed itinerary.

"Which piano store should we go to first..." Jasmine was also standing by the road, worrying happily.

"How about going to that one, the one you went to buy the piano for the first time?" Yue Hao proposed.

Jasmine's first violin, the 1/10 size pocket violin, is still preserved in a glass cabinet in her room.Although it can no longer be used, the love for that piano has not faded at all.

After all, it was the first one, so special treatment was justified.

"That one... I remember it's in Nakano, right? It's a little far away." He complained, but his eyes were shining brightly.

"Then go take the tram!" She took her parents' hands and took another step.

But this time, Dad didn't move.

"Well, Jasmine also, in fact—"

[If you want to heal, you can only cut that thread and re-establish her "connection" with the world.It's just that what I couldn't do at the beginning will only be more painful if I do it now. 】

"Hospitalization? How could it be..." Yue Hao didn't expect such a result at all.

Jasmine also seemed unable to fully digest her father's words, she just stood there blankly, blinking once and then again.Then he asked such a question almost indifferently: "Oh, for treatment...do I still need to take 'that' medicine?"

[You have to be prepared, this time, her resistance is bound to be more intense. 】

"Doctor Lvjian didn't say anything, but..." He knew that he should hide it at this time, and he should let Jasmine let go of her guard and go to the hospital with them.Wait until the hospital, and then slowly convince her, instead of telling her everything now.But looking at his daughter's eyes that suddenly lost their smile, he still couldn't bear to deceive her.

"It should be inevitable, but we still have to eat."

The "drug" that Jasmine is talking about is SSRI, the scientific name is serotonin reuptake inhibitor, which is a type of commonly used drug that is almost always used in the treatment of mental illness.In addition to its strong auxiliary effect on emotional control, the series of terrible side effects are also impressive.

For example, it can cause functional disorders of the nervous system——

"Then I won't go." Immediately answered.

"Jasmine also—"

"I said I won't go! My illness has improved, why do I still need to take medicine?!" She shook off her parents' hands and took a few steps back.

The bright sunlight at noon was blooming wantonly above her head, but Jasmine couldn't feel the slightest warmth, her whole body was like falling into a cellar of ice.

She will never forget the horrible feeling of having her fingers out of control after taking that drug for the first time.

The bow was trembling in his hands, and he couldn't do such a simple action as simply holding it still.

The fingers can't press the strings according to their own wishes, and they always slide to other places when they are not needed.

And... the shattered, terrifying sound of killing a chicken when the bowstrings intertwine.

It was the first time that she, who regarded Qin as her life, threw it away in fear, like throwing away something that was replaced by something else, something completely strange.

But no, it was not Qin who became strange, but herself.

She couldn't accept it, how could she accept this fact? !

That's not my hand, that's not my music, that's not me...

No!

It's not me who can't play the violin!I don't recognize me like that!I don't recognize such a world!

"You know that after taking that medicine, I can no longer play the violin..." She lowered her head in disappointment, and looked at her mother full of hope, "Mom!"

Moon Hazy bit her lip, avoiding her gaze.

"Why, haven't you always supported me? Didn't you always want me to read the pitch, didn't you say that you would accompany me to buy a new violin?" She opened her eyes in disbelief, and grabbed the chest on her chest sadly. placket.

"Don't worry, when your illness is cured, you can definitely continue to play the piano, and then there will be no problems."

"Liar."

"Really, I didn't lie to you, the side effect of that medicine is just temporarily—"

"You lied!" The sound seemed to exhaust all her strength, and she even began to pant violently after shouting.

The huge sound spread out in an instant, and immediately attracted the attention of passers-by on the street, but Jasmine also turned a blind eye to it.She was immersed in the anger and despair burning her whole body, staring at her parents stubbornly.

It's like watching a betrayal with no room for change.

"Wait, Jasmine too! Where are you going?!"

Without another word, she turned around and ran with all her might.

Mom and Dad have made up their minds, and it's useless to say anything else.

They're going to take her to the hospital, they're going to force her to take that horrible drug, and they're going to make her never play the violin again.

So, they are enemies.

"Jasmine too, just wait!"

You can't be caught, or you'll be locked up in the hospital.

She had to escape.

I ran to the parking point of the taxi and wanted to use transportation.

But the driver just looked at her and didn't start the engine for a long time.

Why?Even such an irrelevant outsider is on their side?

Realizing this, she got out of the car again and continued running forward.

After running one block after another, my parents were completely gone.

But the sense of crisis was on her back, she didn't dare to stop, she didn't dare to slow down, and she barely breathed a sigh of relief until she ran onto the tram that just started.

Just go there.

It has to get there.

Before being overtaken by someone, before her only remaining wings were snapped off——

In the gradually bleak autumn wind, she once again stepped into the familiar yet unfamiliar campus.

Without the joy of reunion, without the time of nostalgia, she ran wildly, like the last struggle of a trapped animal.

The bell for the end of get out of class happened to ring at this time, and the originally unobstructed corridor suddenly became bustling.

"Ah, Heimu!" ​​"It's Heimu, long time no see!" "Little Jasmine!" "What are you looking for?"

Countless familiar and unfamiliar faces flashed by, and quickly disappeared from the sight.

The inability to continue running at full speed made her anxious mood even more difficult to suppress, and her shoulders were aching from the constant collisions.

But she can't stop, she hasn't reached that place yet.

no, no, no...

Not everywhere.

Where the hell is her...

His arm was suddenly grabbed, and his dazed and out-of-focus eyes finally met those of the same color.

"What are you doing, Kuroki?"

"I'm looking for... I have to find it... If I can't find it..."

Such fragmented discourse cannot piece together real and effective information at all.But the boy wearing glasses pointed out the direction she wanted to go as if he had a premonition.

"He should be in the student union room now."

Jasmine didn't give him any feedback, but after he let go of her arm, she walked towards the club building without looking back.

Walk down corridors, jump up steps, and round empty corners.Finally, on the top floor of the club building, in a corner where the sun couldn't see, the vermilion door opened.

The sun poured out in an instant, covering the whole body.

Ah, found it.

The boy reached out his hand to stop the scolding from the others, and stood up from behind the desk, his bright red hair burning wantonly in the sun.

Under the suspicious gazes of the people around, she pushed away everything that was in front of her almost arbitrarily, and threw herself into his arms.

Finally found.

My destiny, my world.

My everything.

The author has something to say: I wrote it in Chapter 55, Akashi is the meaning of Jasmine's survival.

This sentence is taken literally.

She was connected to the cord from the violin, and the other end was connected to Akashi.

This is his "mistake".

Izanami knew that Jasmine also had this problem, so she gave her this halo.

She didn't mind that Jasmine also messed up the world, she just wanted to make up for her "fate".