【Taizhong】Fantasy Love

Everything is like a repeat of the past.They didn't say goodbye five years ago, and naturally they don't need to say goodbye now.He didn't go out today, he was too tired, as if all his strength had been drained.He originally wanted to sleep through the whole day, but when he closed his eyes, he couldn't sleep for a long time. He woke up three or four times, and turned his head to look out the window every time. The sky changed from pitch black to slowly bright stand up.The last time he woke up was six o'clock, his eyes were open, he was obviously very sleepy, but he lost all sleepiness again, he could only watch the sky getting brighter, and the singing of birds and cicadas mixed together.

He didn't know when Osamu Dazai would leave. In fact, he really wanted to say goodbye. It was a perfect ending for their more than a month of getting along. He thought about what he should say when he said goodbye, what could he say?Said it's a good journey...or can you come back and take a look when you have time?He didn't know where his feeling came from, but he had a faint intuition that once Osamu Dazai left, he would never come back.Thinking of this, he couldn't sleep even more, so he went downstairs. Through the fence, he saw that there was no movement next door, everything was silent, only the sound of the wind blowing the grass and trees.

He stood by the iron fence for a long time, and then felt like he was sick. He was glad that no one saw him, so he turned his head back immediately.Nakahara Nakaya was in a mess. He thought about what he would say if he really met Osamu Dazai, but after thinking about it, he still couldn’t say anything. Once he opened his mouth, he would reveal too much, the emotion that he couldn’t ask for. , self-contradictory struggle, or something else.When he returned to the room, Hongye had already woken up. He sat on the chair, staring at the air in a daze.

when will he leave?He reluctantly asked Hongye a question.

It should be in the morning.Hongye sighed.Aren't you going to see him off?

He shook his head, thinking that it was really embarrassing for him to go, but in fact, most of the reason was because he was afraid.He was never afraid of anything, he dared to fight Alpha, dared to put all his eggs in one basket in front of everyone, but at this time, he didn't even have the courage to ask a girl who graduated from high school to ask for a button.He changed his clothes and tried to maintain his usual state.It's just a normal day, he thought.

As expected, Osamu Dazai left in the morning.He heard the sound of boxes being moved next door, and he could see a black car parked in front of Dazai's house through the gap in the curtains, and he was a little dazed.He still didn't see Osamu Dazai, he suspected that Osamu Dazai had packed up his things and left long ago, like a ghost, by the time he came to his senses, he had already reached the attic, the attic that should have been locked.He stood on the window sill and watched as the trunk of the black car was opened and someone moved the suitcase in.

He felt as if time had flowed backwards, going backwards along the river, stagnant on the same day five years ago.Even the weather was the same, overcast skies and low cumulonimbus clouds.Five years ago, he had just graduated. Standing in this position, he watched Osamu Dazai get in the black car that left. The black car had not changed, and even the scene was still the same as before. He looked out from the small window of the attic and saw the swaying branches , and the trunk of the black car was closed.He couldn't see the people in the car, only the reflective window glass.A driver got into the driver's seat, and he felt a pain in his heart. Nakahara Nakahara said to himself that you have time, you are going downstairs now, the car must not have started, you can say something to Osamu Dazai, from the bottom of your heart Truth...or a sincere farewell.

His feet seemed to be frozen, his heart was roaring, he was leaving, maybe he really wouldn't set foot here again, but he still didn't move.He just looked through the narrow window of the attic that seemed to belong only to them, and saw the black car start slowly, just like it did five years ago, speed up slowly, and then disappear at the end of the tree-lined road.

Dazai is gone.

He didn't know what mood he was in at this moment, he let go of his fist, and found that his palm was already covered with sweat.Zhong Yuanzhong also thought that he is indeed sad now, but it is not the kind of emotion that wants to cry, as if the paper is burned to ashes, and the water drops turn into steam. He is no longer a young child, nor is he hurt. Parting high school girls.He just felt a little astringent, as if he had eaten a sour and bitter plum, his mouth was burning, his stomach was burning, and his heart and lungs were dry and painful.

He went to the high school he used to attend in the afternoon, last time he came with Osamu Dazai, but now he is alone.The school is still on holiday, and the doorman is still reasonable. He feels that every time he comes here, he seems to feel different. When he leaves here, he is still a student who is very confused about the path to take. He wants to change. Strong, to prove it to others, but he calmly accepted the arrangement to go to Kyoto, until the owner's accident honed him into a real adult; when he came the second time, he was both relaxed and heavy, one side was the final solution of the matter, On the other hand, it was also because Dazai Osamu was the one who accompanied him back here; and when he came for the third time, he was alone, he was mature and powerful, and he shouldn't be sad.

He followed the route he had come the last time, past the repainted walls, the entire renovated playground, and the rusty railings that had been refurbished.He walked along the stairs to his former classroom, sat in Dazai's seat, staring at the branches outside the window sill, he couldn't help thinking about Dazai's mood when he was sitting here, you can see his From the back of his neck, he could see the water droplets on the window sill, and Osamu Dazai must have been able to see his back when he bent down while writing.What kind of mood did Osamu Dazai look at him?He couldn't help thinking, he thought that Osamu Dazai never paid attention to too many things, just like he didn't know what drink he would buy on the vending machine, Alpha must never have paid attention to any details of him.He thought about the way Osamu Dazai slept in class, and the answers he casually wrote on the test paper while turning his pen. These seemed to have passed for a long time, so long that he thought he had forgotten them long ago, but now he recalled them vividly. He looked at the blackboard, and it seemed that there was a duty list written in the lower right corner. Today is Golden Day, and Osamu Dazai stayed to sweep the floor.

He continued to walk along the corridor, and passed the bathroom where he once held his stomach and retched, there was graffiti drawn by students with markers on a sink there, and there was a teacher's name written by resentful students. One teacher has already retired, and the students have changed batch after batch.He walked to the compartment of the stairs. He used to solve his physical problems with Dazai Osamu in such a simple and dirty place at school. The door was still unlocked. When he pushed it open, he could smell the same damp and rotten wood as before. Dusty.

He closed the door and walked downstairs. He walked out of the teaching building and walked a few steps from the back door to the open-air corridor. The white pillars were densely surrounded by emerald green vines. Slightly drooping, ivy grows all over the corridor from top to bottom. It has always been a place where students like to come between classes. The green vines cover the light and rain, and they are growing vigorously. The smell of the plants is similar to the The youthful moods of the teenagers and girls were mixed together.He remembered the first time he called Osamu Dazai here, Alpha was carrying the bag loosely, the collar of the summer uniform shirt was slightly opened, exposing the young man's beautiful and fair neck, the breath of summer that never passed, smells good But the memory is still fresh, he asked us to make a deal, Dazai Osamu agreed, so their entanglement began, year after year, until now.

He really began to regret it, he thought he should stop him this morning, he should tell Osamu Dazai that he likes him very much now, even if Alpha doesn't care or refuses, he should express his feelings, whether Osamu Dazai accepts or not It's one thing, and it's another thing whether he tried, and failure is never better than inaction.He has always been so brave, why did he become a coward in this matter?Regret almost overwhelmed him, and Zhongyuan Zhong also looked at the green ivy, his mind was full of sourness and annoyance.He missed it, he thought, this time he actually missed it himself.

Hello.Someone shouted from behind.

His thoughts are interrupted, he looks back, and then his breath almost stops.Osamu Dazai was standing in this open-air corridor, a few meters away from him, and it was him who called him.Zhong Yuanzhong also couldn't believe his eyes for a few seconds. He seemed to be stunned, his breathing was stagnant, his heart was beating violently, and he didn't say a word for a long time.Osamu Dazai is actually here, in this school, they are standing in this open-air corridor again.

You, why didn't you leave?He was almost stuttering.

Dazai shrugged.At that second, Nakahara also felt that the images from many years ago overlapped with the present, and the face of Osamu Dazai in high school also blended with the present. He was wearing a suit or a uniform shirt, his hands were empty, or he was carrying a bag. , his neckline was still unbuttoned, his neck was fair and beautiful.Zhong Yuanzhong also felt that he was simply stupid, his language ability had degraded to the most basic and simple level, he struggled to utter a few words, he wanted to ask too many questions, why didn't you leave, why are you here, Also, what should he say, do I have something to tell you.

It was Osamu Dazai who spoke first. He was smiling but extremely serious.The dark pupils with water vapor are like an endless sea, like a lingering and hazy city in the rainy season, like the gentlest wind, gently caressing people's cheeks.

Why don't you keep me?Osamu Dazai asked.

He was breathless, looked up at him, Alpha asked him, Chuya, why didn't you keep me?

I never felt like I could keep you.He closed his eyes and told the truth.He thought that Osamu Dazai was so smart, he should have seen what he liked now, after all his fingers were trembling, like a young high school student, his panic was evident from the tips of his hair to his fingertips.He thinks he's lost, and he seems to be dumb as soon as he meets him.

No.Dazai replied.

The leaves of the promenade were blown by the wind, and they seemed to be singing a song, uninterrupted eight years ago, until now.He walked over and looked at him, maybe they had spent more than ten years trying to figure out each other, he was wandering, lost his way, or lost his way, but now he looked into the eyes of Osamu Dazai, all the answers were ready to come out.

In also.

Dazai laughed.The kite-colored pupils are full of the same mood as his, like the gentle drizzle in this city.

He said, you never...can make me do anything.

——The full text of "Fantasy Love"——