Every warm feeling may turn black

It was really an accident that Chu Liuxiang did not die.

But I don't know why, but I think it is expected.

If someone like Chu Liuxiang died so easily, then this world would be too boring.

If even someone like Chu Liuxiang is calculated to die in this world, then what's the point of me living in this world?

It was an accident to rescue Chu Liuxiang and his party, but at the same time I also felt eager to try.

Since the death of my little uncle, I haven't had such a clear mood swing for a long time.

Thinking of my little uncle, my thoughts suddenly became loose again, and the past was vivid again, which made my heart empty, but my head was full of pain.

From the time I can remember, various thoughts have always been circling in my brain, emerging one after another, almost making me tired of coping, and even myself often doubts, I have never been out of Wuzheng Villa, why there are so many Thoughts without reason.

Maybe it's because I'm in the dark.I think.

—if only I could see.

It is undeniable that, as a teenager, I thought about it countless times.

The professor praised me approvingly, but sighed when I closed the door. I knew why he sighed. In this breath, everything contained regret that I was actually blind.

In fact, I did better than anyone else, but everyone would sigh unconsciously——"It's a pity that I'm blind."

I used to assume that if I could see, what kind of situation I would be in, but after thinking about it, I felt that it was just like this—maybe because I was too young when I couldn’t see, I had already lost sight of it. Knowing what it feels like to be visible, I have long been used to contacting people and things in this darkness, and gradually feel that the difference between being visible and not being able to see is not particularly big.

Occasionally, when I smell the fragrance of flowers at the tip of my nose and hear the rustling of the leaves in the wind, I will also describe a grotesque illusion in my mind, but these are all momentary things. Most of the time, I think about more realistic things, because this is my responsibility.

I still remember my dad laughing in surprise when he realized I could do better than everyone else.

He used to dote on me very much. Although the image of my mother has long been blurred in my heart, my father has taken care of me for a long time. Until I let him discover the talents I possess, he suddenly erased all tenderness. He said: "Suiyun, you can do better."

I can be better.

I also want to do better.

When my father named me "Yuan Suiyun", he didn't expect too much from me.

But as Yuan Suiyun, I want to make him full of expectations.

I don’t know if it’s strange for children to have such thoughts. The little uncle often sighs: “Brother is too demanding of you.” But I never feel that it is forcing, because I also want to become stronger. This is my father’s Wish is also my wish. We all hope that Wuzheng Villa will bloom more dazzlingly in my hands, not because of the shadow of our ancestors.

I don't think it's hard, I just feel lonely occasionally.

A kind of desolation and loneliness without reason, as if standing on the top of a barren mountain with scorched earth in sight.

There are people around me—teachers, maidservants, and guests who come here admiringly, but there seems to be a barrier between me and them, and I can feel that this barrier is erected by myself, and I am standing inside the barrier , calmly and coldly "observe" them.

I don't think I'm a god, but in the face of them, I feel an undeniable contempt in my heart-I admit it, and I don't think it's my fault.

But when it comes to people, I've always had an insatiable curiosity.So I often listen to the teasing of maids and servants, the whispering among servants, and the turbulent undercurrent of guests' words and laughter at a distance where others think I can't hear.

Although I can't see, I can "observe" many things.

Until the little uncle appeared, at the very beginning, I also observed the little uncle. From the time he appeared accompanied by the fragrance of medicine, I had endless curiosity about him, because he was different from the servant girls around me. He appeared in front of me, besides my father, the first person with equal status to me.

The prerequisites he possessed meant that he didn't need to bow to me cautiously, and he could even hate me.

—Yes, he hates me.

It’s inexplicable to think about it. When I was a child, no matter how I looked at it, I was lovable. At that time, my extra energy and wisdom were actually used to study how to make people more lovable.

But failed in front of the little uncle.

He ignored me, was cold and perfunctory, and showed no sympathy for me being blind—it is true that the little uncle’s experience was indeed embarrassing, and he was also the object of sympathy at that time, but I was in contact with him. Afterwards, it soon became apparent that he didn't mind the experience at all.

He writes, reads, draws pictures, and the tragic experience that others see seems to leave no trace in his heart. He is a noble king living in his own world, tired of everything that suddenly breaks into his life, and treats everyone equally—— So include me.

I wanted to learn piano from him at first, just because of the stubbornness of a teenager-I don't believe that someone would hate me for no reason.But I soon discovered that the little uncle didn't mind all of it.

There is no desire and no pursuit, all living beings are equal, so there is no wave in the heart.

I can't help but guess, what does the world look like in his eyes?Because I found that the little uncle also erected a barrier, he is gentle, not easy to get angry, and even teases with the servants.

I can't remember what kind of person he was when he left the villa. I only know that after he came back, he was recognized as the most gentle and approachable person amidst the sighs of everyone.

But I found that he was more out of tune with this world than I was.

He turned this incompatibility into an equal tenderness.I think that God will never be moved by the actions of mortals.

Who can enter his world?can i

I very much hope that I can, because in my self-satisfied and deliberate approach, I find that I can no longer escape this illusory tenderness.

I hope that he can always be by my side, playing the messy piano, and smile indifferently to everyone's ridicule; I hope that he can always watch me practice martial arts not far away, without any doubt as to why I can learn so many martial arts skills ;I hope he can help me wipe the sweat off my forehead forever, smooth my hair, and caress my cheek...

In such skin-to-skin contact, I am no longer so lonely, I feel that there is a person standing beside me, so distinct.

He won't pity me because I can't see him, but he will sigh because he sweats profusely from martial arts training; he won't like me because I am the young owner of Wuzheng Villa and behave politely, but he won't reject me All requests.

I think it is too gentle to always feel sorry for my little uncle because of such trivial things.

Because of being so gentle, that's why I always accompany me, never knows how to refuse, has no doubts about my stunts of various schools, and is gentle when everyone is looking at me in a pool of blood in panic. hug me.

It was not a long journey, but it was the first time I left Wuzheng Villa, it was also the first time I killed someone, and it was the first time my little uncle rejected me.

I don’t even know why I remember it so clearly, but I just remember that during that trip, we enjoyed the spring scenery together, strolled by the lake, took a nap under the shade of a tree, my little uncle put his head on my lap, The sunlight leaked through the gaps in the branches and leaves, and fell warmly on his face. I traced his facial features with my fingertips, and after realizing it, I was stunned for a while, not understanding why I did this.

When we met the wedding party in the city, my uncle jokingly said, "I don't know what Suiyun's future wife will be like." At that time, only my uncle's name flashed through my mind.

And when I entered the inn, after I said "I want to share a room with my little uncle", there was a palpitating silence in my ears.

It means rejection.

I knew a long time ago that silence often means rejection.

At that moment, the panic that suddenly emerged from the bottom of my heart made me unable to hear the sound of the outside world, but I could only hear the shallow breathing around me and the roaring heartbeat in my heart.

Then, for the first time in my life, I was in distress. There was a scent of incense in the room, but I didn't notice it. I fell into a deep sleep with an uncomfortable feeling that I couldn't even figure out.

Being in a trance was undoubtedly one of the reasons for my attack.

Even when I finally killed that middle-aged fat man, I didn't figure out why he wanted to arrest me. I just thought-why did the little uncle refuse, and why did I feel chest tightness and shortness of breath?

My talent in martial arts has always surprised others, but it was only on that day that I realized that I might be really powerful, because the endless stream of people rushing up did not even make me calm down. I just frowned and listened to the sound of blood splatter and The crisp sound of bones breaking, I think if I could see it, what I would see would be a hell on earth full of flesh and blood, but I was very calm. At the same time, he thought distractedly that it would be best not to get blood on his clothes.

In such peace, I felt my little uncle's embrace.

As usual, he combed my hair, stroked my back, rested his head on my neck, and comforted me softly.

He's always been so comfortable with such intimacy that it makes me uneasy and make my heart beat faster.

I smelled the faint fragrance of his body, and suddenly thought, I started to think about the little uncle who was running away, I must hold on tightly.

Be sure to hold on tight.

In that long autumn when everyone panicked and sighed, every night, in a room surrounded by the scent of medicine, I pressed my hot face to my little uncle’s chest. beating in my ear.

I ran my fingers across his hair, swept over his closed eyes, and touched his curled eyelashes with my palms, as if being swept by fine fluff. I traced his facial features and imagined his appearance in my mind. Looking at it, the index finger crossed the bridge of the nose and stopped on the round nose. I pressed my face against his cheek, and found that there was no flesh on the cheek, and a strange sour feeling erupted in my heart.

This strange and strong feeling made me have a strange impulse, which made my thinking blank like never before. When I came back to my senses, there was already a bitter smell of medicine in my lips and teeth. I licked his lips instinctively, the tip of my tongue swept across the clenched teeth, and then forcefully broke in. The warm mouth was full of the taste of bitter liquid medicine, but I felt a faint sweetness in it.

My hands passed through his loose skirt, along his thin chest, and placed on his flexible waist. The skin on the bottom of my hands was smooth and elastic, and it seemed to be suction-like, so I couldn't let go.

I heard his short moan/groan, vaguely contained in my throat, and a vague ending sound from the nasal cavity, and the strange impulse suffocated me.

so strange...

I lingered between his lips and teeth, sniffing his temple hair, hugging his thin body tightly, almost wanting to integrate him into my own body, a strange throb made me confused and satisfied.

Standing on the top of a high mountain, looking down at the desolation, you will never feel the kind of satisfaction.

I think, just for this satisfaction——

I also never let go.