paranoid dependence

A week after Liang Qiu left, Shen Nian also enrolled in the report. He chose to go to school instead of living on campus.

Ever since Liang Qiu told Shen Nian that he was going to Shanghai, Shen Nian knew that he would be sad, but he didn't expect the real sadness to surface little by little after school started.

No one will wait for him in the carport, no one in the classroom will come over to sit on his desk to chat and laugh with him, and no one will ask him to join him when eating, and no one will secretly put meat in his meal. In the disk, he said that he didn't like it, and no one would force him to play basketball, saying that he should have a good body.

When these things that the two of them used to do together now become him alone, when loneliness begins to blend into every crevice of life, Shen Nian realizes that he actually has more reluctance for Liang Qiu than he imagined.

Maybe it was because Liang Qiu was the last person beside him.

When You Xiaoyue left, Shen Nian told herself that she didn't like her anyway, it didn't matter, she still had Shen Chongshan; It doesn't matter if you don't leave, I still have Grandma Qin and Liang Qiu.

Later, when Grandma Qin was about to leave, Shen Nian secretly told herself that it was her blessing that she could love him for so many years, and that Grandma should also live the life she wanted. He still had Liang Qiu, and he and Liang Qiu also More to the point.But now that Liang Qiu is gone, Shen Nian doesn't know how to persuade himself.

He was the only one left.

Shen Nian thought he could get used to it. After all, from the very beginning, he didn't expect anyone to be by his side all the time. He was used to people constantly leaving by his side. He knew that everyone in this world would be lonely in the end. , Shen Nian's loneliness just came earlier than others.

It's clear that everything has been agreed, and it's clear that Shen Nian can't get used to it.

Liang Qiu seemed to be the last barrier between him and loneliness. The departure of this barrier allowed Shen Nian to see the true power of loneliness. He could even feel that he was being swallowed and torn by it little by little.

He even lost the ability to make friends. From the bottom of his heart, he felt that it was meaningless, because all the acquaintances would eventually be separated, and he would still be alone.

He also doesn't like talking more and more. In the class, others have questions before answering them. He walks alone. At home, he rarely even opens his mouth. Sometimes when he eats, he often feels soreness in the occlusal muscles on both sides. , that's why I haven't spoken for a long time.

He may not know that he shouldn't be like an old man, but he doesn't know what else to do.

He was on the verge of bowing down to loneliness.

This is an experience and feeling that I have never had before.

He didn't know how much longer he could last.

He can only go forward and stop when he falls down.

-

After school this afternoon, when Shen Nian finished his duty and left the school, there was no one around, and no one was waiting for him at home, so he was not in a hurry, and left the school by bicycle slowly, but stopped at the school gate.

The food stall selling fried skewers across the street from the school gate has not been withdrawn yet. Even though it is not close, Shen Nian can still smell the fragrance coming from him. He didn't stop because he wanted to eat, but because he The man standing in front of the booth made him feel familiar.

This was the first time he saw Gu Zhi in more than two months.

He was looking at the food on the stall intently. He seemed to want to eat it very much. He was wearing small clothes that didn't fit well, and he was not very clean. He was carrying an earth green woven bag, in which he could faintly see a lot of drinks. bottle.

Shen Nian was still hesitating whether to walk over, but Gu Zhi had already left the fried skewer food stall, walked to the trash can next to him, reached out to dig in, took out two drink bottles, put them on the ground and squashed them I put it in the bag, and then walked to the next trash can.

Shen Nian seemed to be possessed, he just kept a long distance and followed him, watched him stop in front of every trash can, took out the things he needed and packed them up, and walked forward when there was nothing left. Stalls and shops selling snacks would stop to take a look, but only to take a look. Even if a well-meaning stall owner offered him something, he would shake his head and walk away.

He who no longer wanted to focus and love, shed the uncomfortable hostility and defense, and suddenly became normal.

At least what Shen Nian sees now is just a child who is forced to live with difficulty.

The sky was getting dark gradually, and Shen Nian couldn't explain why, so he just followed Gu Zhi to a dangerous building that was rarely visited by people. Shen Nian stood at the corner of the street and didn't go any further, watching Gu Zhi walk by carrying a woven bag Crossed the road and disappeared behind the dilapidated courtyard wall.

He did not go to school and had no home.

He lives here, alone.

Shen Nian never thought that Gu Zhi would choose such a way of life after leaving the Shen family, and Shen Chongshan probably didn't expect it either, that's why he wandered in this city for a month without gaining anything.This child who is determined to be left behind again and no one wants him would rather live by himself than go back to that family again, and don't want to be left behind by anyone again.

This may be his last bit of stubbornness, the last bit of pleasing appearance.

Shen Nian stood at the corner of the street for an unknown how long, until it was completely dark at the beginning of the night, and the dilapidated building looked a little scary, and then he walked back slowly. He didn't know what he was thinking, his mind was like It was a mess, a mess, when the phone rang, he looked at the name on the screen, and it was Shen Chongshan who hadn't contacted him for a long time.

He hadn't contacted himself for a long time, and the sudden contact came after he met Gu Zhi. It must be said that there might really be an inexplicable fate between them. Shen Nian looked back at the dangerous building and answered the phone :

"dad."

"Go home?" Shen Chongshan's voice was mixed.

"Yeah." Shen Nian lied.

Shen Chongshan didn't seem to know what to say, there was a moment of silence, but finally he asked him: "Any news about Xiao Zhi?"

Shen Nian looked at the dangerous building, his tone was calm without any ups and downs, he said: "...No."

"Okay, it's okay if you don't, Dad just asks." Shen Chongshan said unnaturally: "It's all right, hang up, remember to contact Dad if you have anything to do."

Shen Nian didn't say anything, hung up the phone, and gradually looked away from the dangerous building, he didn't know if it was right to do so, but he had a rare feeling of refreshment, like eating ice cream in summer.

Perhaps Shen Nian was also bad in nature, but he was suppressed very well and never showed it, but at this moment he really didn't want Shen Chongshan to know about Gu Zhi's news, he didn't want Shen Chongshan to take Gu Zhi back, and he himself didn't want to Take care of Gu Zhi.

That shouldn't be his responsibility.

There's nothing wrong with going on like this.

Just pretend you didn't see it.

Shen Nian left the street corner by bicycle, as if she had never been there before.

Liang Qiu said that he would be back on October [-]. Shen Nian was very happy. Because he didn't sleep well the night before, he thought of a lot of things to tell Liang Qiu. Standing in front of him, Shen Nian felt that he could tell him.

But Liang Qiu didn't come back, there was a sudden heavy rain in Shanghai, all the planes were forced to ground, when Liang Qiu called Shen Nian to apologize, Shen Nian was sitting on the north porch of the small courtyard looking at the cloudless sky, For the first time, he realized that the distance between him and Liang Qiu was really far, far away.

Even the weather is so different.

"It's okay." Shen Nian said with a smile: "If you don't come back, I will go to the library with my classmates."

"Classmate?" Liang Qiu didn't quite believe it: "Which classmate? You have a new friend? What's your name? How old are you? How do you look?"

Shen Nian laughed on the phone: "Liang Qiu, I admit that I have the best relationship with you, but you are not the only friend I have. I am the number one in the high school entrance examination, you don't know how popular I am."

What Liang Qiu was most worried about was that Shen Nian would close himself off after he left, so he felt a little relieved after hearing what he said. The two chatted for a while and then hung up the phone. Looking at the wall, looking at the sky, I suddenly thought of Grandma Qin.

He had seen Grandma Qin sitting in a corner looking at the sky in a daze countless times. At that time, he had Liang Qiu and Grandma Qin beside him, so he didn't quite understand what Grandma Qin was looking at and waiting for.

Now at this moment, Shen Nian understood, thinking about this life, thinking about how to become him alone, how to become like this.

Shen Nian sat on the porch for a whole day, from the mild morning light to the bright sunshine, and then to the sunset on the west mountain, the clouds above his head drifted past 31 during this period, and 23 sparrows also ushered in the trees in the small courtyard. I don't know if there are any duplicates, after all Shen Nian can't tell the difference between them.

He only knew that this day was really long.

It grew so long that he thought he would be unable to make it through.

Didn't sleep yesterday, sat for a whole day today, didn't even bother to eat, so went to sleep directly, but Shen Nian thought he could fall asleep when he fell asleep, but he started tossing and turning on the bed, he became irritable for no reason.

Why is the house so quiet, why are there no birds chirping, did they go home?are you asleep?Then why can't I fall asleep?I am also at home, a home alone, no one will drive me away, and no one will come to snatch it. As long as he wants to, he can sleep in as many rooms as he wants, and sleep in turns.

But why didn't he get used to it?Didn't he also live the same way for three years in the past?

Shen Nian forced himself to calm down, but he couldn't do it. He was stuffy, irritable, and almost out of breath. He wanted to hear voices, so he got out of bed and wanted to turn on the TV. When he walked to the living room, he realized that the TV had already It was smashed during Gu Zhi's madness, and it couldn't be repaired, so I didn't buy it again.

Shen Nian just stood in the living room like this, he was at a loss and didn't know what he should do to make this world sound.

Later, he walked out of the north house, looked at the tree, and wondered why he didn't even choose his house for sparrows to build their nests?If there is a bird's nest on it, do you think you have someone to accompany you?

The night in October was already a bit cold, but Shen Nian was unwilling to go back to the room. Although the yard was very quiet, from time to time he could hear the footsteps of people returning late in the alley, and he could also hear the volume of the neighbor's house going too high. Loud TV sound, occasionally accompanied by one or two coughs.

Shen Nian sat down on the corridor again.

He likes the sounds.

Even if he needs to work very hard to distinguish and hear clearly.

In the middle of the night, all the sounds disappeared. The late returnee returned home, and the neighbors also rested. Only Shen Nian was left. He waited for a long time but did not hear any new sounds, so he went back to the room, Maybe he was really tired, this time he was lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling, and fell asleep not long after.

Shen Nian didn't stay at home the next day, he had a hasty meal and left the house early, he didn't have any destination, he didn't go to the library, and he didn't have any friends, he just didn't want to count the clouds The sparrow is gone, he just doesn't want to continue sitting quietly on the porch.

If he had to sit and he was alone all the time, Shen Nian would rather watch people on the street corner, or on the basketball court to watch the youth who had a tacit understanding with his friends.

The basketball court will always be quiet. When they are tired or hungry, they will disperse. Shen Nian sits in the corner, sweats with them, and walks to the corner to see the rushing crowd. I don't know what happened to me, why I did this.

He faintly felt that he was sick, but he didn't know what it was and whether he could bear it.