Attempted first love

Today is a rare sunny day.

Xia Yan walked back to the dining room and saw the sunlight passing through the glass and refracting onto a small rainbow on the table. Suddenly, he realized that the week-long rainy weather was over.

The cup in Lu Zhouyu's hand, Xia Yan was not sure if it was the one he used this morning, because he bought a pair, the shape and color were the same, but the printing was slightly different, so it was not easy to distinguish.

He kind of wanted to remind him that I haven't recovered from my cold yet, so don't infect it to you, but he thought about how many times he kissed him when he did it in the morning, so he didn't say anything.

The restaurant has never felt so bright and crowded.

The tiles and marble countertops are as clean as new, but there are more tableware in pairs than before, abstract printed bowls, chopsticks, placemats of the same color, and several pairs of cups. The refrigerator door is bought from various exhibitions The fridge magnets are full.

Even so, Xia Yan still enjoys carrying things home, always thinking that this is also useful, that is also useful, this is also beautiful, and that is also beautiful.Looking quickly around the restaurant, he suddenly had an illusion, as if...they had lived together for many years.

It's not love, it's life.

Before my grandfather passed away, my grandmother’s kitchen was like this. There was everything in the tall mahogany cabinet, and all the tableware was a pair. After years of use, the printing on the bottom of the bowl was washed off.Later, Xia Yan's small bowls, small plates, and small chopsticks for correcting posture were added to form a family dining table.

When I was young, I thought the dining table was big, but when I grew up, I thought the dining table was small.Xia Yan always wanted to change one for her grandma, but she always said, "Now I'm using it alone, I don't think it's too small".

Thinking of this, Xia Yan was in a daze for a while, it turned out that he had long been accustomed to the life of two people without knowing it.

The necklace in his hand was still swinging between the two of them, like a hammer hitting the barrier of nothingness in the air.The silence was not long, but Xia Yan didn't want to wait for a second, he asked again: "You saw it, right?"

"Yes," Lu Zhouyu put down the cup in his hand, with a calm voice, "It fell out when I undressed you before going to bed last night."

"Oh." Xia Yan paused, realizing that he was actually asking the question aggressively, but he didn't know what answer he wanted.It doesn't matter if Lu Zhouyu admits it or denies it—anyway, I always see it now, and find that my boyfriend has an ambiguous gift with him, and I have to meet the gift giver again, shouldn't I be so calm?

Lu Zhouyu propped one hand on the dining table, his collar was not fastened, revealing a red mark under his collarbone, showing how intense and lingering their affair was just now.

One step further, Xia Yan will be able to touch him, help him tie his collar, and tell him that I really miss you when you're not here, so let's have dinner at home often in the future.

But he needs a reason to move forward.

Question me, he thought, what's the matter with this necklace, why did you go out with Shen Qi, why did you go out, and I will tell you whatever you ask, even if there is a fight now, or even a fight.

...just let me know you care.

But Lu Zhouyu just spoke peacefully, apologizing without any waves, "I'm sorry," he said, "I didn't mean to see it."

"Is that all?" Xia Yan asked.

"What else?" Lu Zhouyu also asked, his tone could even be called polite.

Xia Yan has been trying to maintain maturity and calm in this relationship, not wanting to act like a lover who makes trouble for no reason and loves to lose his temper.But at this moment, he couldn't restrain himself, as if something swelled and exploded in his body, he whispered: "You don't care at all?"

Finally asked, this sentence also broke down the psychological defense line, and the emotions continued to pour out, "Why don't you ask when you see it?" He shook the necklace in his hand, trying to keep his voice steady, "Shen Qi confessed to me , are you not afraid that I will go to him today and never come back?"

"Will you?" Lu Zhouyu's voice was almost close to his end.

Seeing that Xia Yan didn't answer, he was silent for a few seconds, swallowed, his Adam's apple rolled up and down violently, as if it was difficult to speak, "Do you like him? If you don't want to try, we can—"

A "bang" sound interrupted his words, Xia Yan was also taken aback, looked down, it turned out that the necklace in his hand hit the cup, and a small gap was scratched on the rim of the cup.

Xia Yan rubbed his fingertips, not knowing how the necklace flew out, but fortunately, fortunately, he couldn't let Lu Zhouyu finish his sentence - he wanted to say break up, probably.

How could this be?

How can it be?

Going around to the other side of the table, Xia Yan bent down to pick up the necklace, and stuffed it back into his pocket without looking at it.He staggered a little when he got up, but Lu Zhouyu reached out to help him.

"Just pretend I didn't ask." Xia Yan pulled his arm out of his hand, "I'm going first."

"Xia Yan." Lu Zhouyu held his elbow and blocked his way with his body, but did not speak.

Xia Yan stood on the spot, restrained by him with one hand, and clenched the back of the chair with the other. With nowhere to rest his eyes, he just looked down at the shadow.

The sun had risen fully and was casting straight in through the window, dragging two parallel shadows on the ground.Among the shadows is the wooden floor, the floating dust dancing in the air, and an insurmountable crack in the sky.

Lu Zhouyu still didn't speak, and didn't move away. I don't know if he was explaining in words, or... wanted to say goodbye again.

The latter made Xia Yan dare not touch it, and the moment his thoughts popped up, he panicked.At the same time, he began to regret, regretting that he insisted on asking for clarification, regretting intentionally moving Shen Qi out, and even regretting remembering to put the necklace in his right pocket.

"The weather is really nice today," he turned his head, put on a smile, and changed the subject, "Now if you look out from the living room, you can definitely see the art museum."

"Go and see?"

Lu Zhouyu remained unmoved, and asked in a slow, tentative tone, "How long do you want to try?"

"What do you mean?"

"If you like someone else, I can tell you—"

"Who am I going to like? Who else can I like?!" Xia Yan raised his voice to interrupt him, he stood still, but suddenly felt extremely tired.

This feeling is not unfamiliar, but this time, he found that he couldn't put it into the dusty corner of his heart as well as before.It may even be because of the overload, all the anger, disappointment, powerlessness and grievances stored before are overflowing outwards, crashing in his body without a clue, and he desperately needs an outlet.

"Can't you feel it?" Xia Yan blinked his dry eyes, "Can't you feel how much I like you?"

"After we met again, every time I talked to you, I couldn't help but think about the past. I thought I had forgotten many things, but I didn't. I wanted to ask you if you still remember, but I didn't dare to ask, for fear that you wouldn't remember. .”

"After working together, I always thought, when will you leave this time, how long will you leave, will you come back after you leave, and will we meet again when you come back? But I have no position to ask."

"You promised to try it with me, it's like a dream, I'm really happy, I'm happy doing everything..."

In the middle of speaking, Xia Yan lowered his head and stopped abruptly.He originally wanted to count all the things between them, but he felt sad, as if he was the one who moved himself from the beginning to the end.

Grabbing the ceramic cup on the table, he gulped down half a glass of water, and his voice became more sluggish, "Forget it, it's meaningless to say these things, anyway, you don't care."

"...I don't care." Lu Zhouyu seemed to be stunned by a long sentence of his words, his eyes were dazed, and he was even a little unbelievable.

This demeanor made Xia Yan feel that he was an unreasonable monkey, jumping up and down, beating his chest and stomping his feet, trying to attract people's attention, sympathy and love with his ugliness.

He laughed self-deprecatingly, "If you care—you know that when I heard that you were going back to the UK, I couldn't call you, and I didn't reply to your WeChat. "

Like being abandoned on an island.

The hand holding his elbow dropped, and a crack appeared on Lu Zhouyu's expression, as if he didn't expect him to complain so much, and said at a loss, "I'm sorry."

If you don't care, "...there's really nothing you can do." Xia Yan is so tired, it's the kind of tiredness from the inside out, and when he relaxes for a while, he will collapse to the ground.

He was already low in the dust, and he didn't want to lose his composure even more.Looking at the time, at [-]:[-], he said to Lu Zhouyu, "I have to go."

At this moment, a cloud floated over and covered the sun, and their shadows were also blurred and gray.Lu Zhouyu wanted to stop him, but Xia Yan said: "Shen Qi is going abroad today, I promised to send him off."

Although it was not necessary, he still told the truth: "His aunt is Shen Ru. If I don't send him, I'm worried that something will go wrong with your exhibit on the island. I know you don't care, but I do. , destroy your hard work."

Hearing this, Lu Zhouyu took a step back to make way for the narrow passage, and when he was about to pass through, Xia Yan heard him ask behind him, "Are you coming back?"

"Back."

"What time? I'll wait for you, let's talk when we come back, okay?"

"The plane is at three o'clock in the afternoon," Xia Yan said, "but you should go home after the meeting at noon, I'm not feeling well today, I don't want to talk, I want to go back to sleep."

"...Okay, then I will come to you tomorrow."

Xia Yan didn't want to speculate on what Lu Zhouyu wanted to say. At this moment, it was rare for him to selfishly put his own feelings forward.He didn't want to end the relationship, no doubt about it, but at the same time, it was exhausting and he couldn't feel happy anymore.

"Let's all calm down for a while." He said, also thinking in his heart, if you want to break up, think about it.

He didn't hear the reply, Xia Yan made up his mind and strode towards the entrance, pushed the door, and heard "Okay" and "Don't drive", Lu Zhouyu stepped forward, as if wanting to hold him on the doorknob He raised his arm and then retracted it. He said, "Your hands are shaking a little. It's not safe to drive. Let me see you off."

"No, you have a meeting later." Xia Yan said, "I'll just take a taxi."

After walking out of the community and missing three taxis by the side of the road, Xia Yan thought of waving. When reporting the address, he even forgot the name of Shen Qi's community, and almost blurted out "Municipal Family Court".

Because of being late, Shen Qi couldn't avoid being nagged by Shen Qi. After dinner with him, on the way to the airport, Shen Qi kept chattering at the side. He had probably started to adapt to the life of studying abroad and packed his schedule full.

It seemed that Xia Yan had said a lot of things, but Xia Yan couldn't remember them. Most of them followed his words, which was easy to deal with.Before boarding the plane, Shen Qi hugged and said goodbye to him, and suddenly asked: "You broke up with Lu? Why are you so depressed?"

"No."

It turned out to be so obvious. He rubbed his face and said with a smile, "It's about work. Study hard and take care of yourself."

On the way back, Xia Yan couldn't get a taxi, so Xia Yan decided to take the subway. When he scanned the QR code to enter the station, he saw a WeChat message sent by Lu Zhouyu 7 minutes ago: "I'm leaving, come back and sleep."

The subway seems to have no end. Xia Yan sat in a corner, leaning his head against the metal railing, sleeping intermittently, and opened his eyes twice at the same station. He woke up suddenly, only to realize that this line is a circular line.

When I finally got home, it was already dark, and the sweet-scented osmanthus downstairs was gone, leaving no scent left.

Pushing open the door, the two fish in the fish tank heard the movement and floated up from the coral, making a slight noise.

After playing with the fish for a while, Xia Yan walked to the restaurant and saw that the cup on the table was gone.He opened the cabinet, and there were two almost identical black ceramic cups hanging on the cup holders, mouth to mouth, and there was a slight crack on the rim of the right cup.

Now I can tell the difference.