God said I would meet you

When Lin Huainan came in, the kitchen was dripping with foamy water, unpacked instant noodles were still scattered on the coffee table, and the oily marks on the table formed an orange, incomplete circle.

Zhang Xinli was looking for medical records in the room. Lin Jinyu didn't remember how he opened the door. After hearing the long-lost nickname on the phone, he seemed to stand there for a long time until the phone was hung up, and there were several rhythmic knocks outside the door. door noise.

His father knocked on the door very distinctively, always in a slow manner, three times each time, no more than once, no less than once, in the distant childhood, in the scorching summer and the freezing winter, Lin Huainan often knocked like this Open Lin Jinyu's door and come in to watch his homework.

That sound ran through Lin Jinyu's long childhood. At this moment, the sound outside the door seemed to revive the "dong dong" sound in his memory, followed by the soft voice of Lin's mother, the soft female voice and the deep voice. The male voices are intertwined together to form the sound called "home".

The door opened, and Lin Huainan was standing in front, and it was Mama Lin who spoke first: "Xiaoyu," she resumed her usual attire, with her jet-black hair combed high, revealing her slender neck, wrapped under her skirt. Seven centimeters of black high-heeled shoes flashed dazzlingly: "Mom... is here to pick you up." She said very carefully: "I didn't tell you in advance, your father..."

Lin Jinyu stood at the door and looked at them with no expression on his face.It's not because he repulses or hates or has any negativity, it's because he's overwhelmed.Lin Huainan also had no expression on his face, and he was also at a loss.

Both father and son were silent. Father Lin was stuck at the door, as if he wanted to come in but couldn't move. Mother Lin gave him a slight push and pushed him in.

The hallway is not very big in all. The father and son faced each other, looked at each other for a second, and then looked away at the same time.Lin Jinyu knew what he should say, whether as a son or as the host of this house, but he just couldn't make a sound, as if he suddenly became dumb.

"Jinyu, did you tear up the earliest medical records once? I'll stick the loose pages with tape. How long will your mother have..." At the door of the room, Zhang Xinli took several medical records and walked out while flipping through them. , walked to the middle of the living room and suddenly made a hoarse voice.

It seems that there is no need to ask, Mrs. Lin is standing at the door, and there is even an "uninvited guest".

The atmosphere was as stiff as ice, and in Lin Huainan's eyes, his son had been "watching me coldly".

"...Uncle, Auntie, come in and have a seat." It was Zhang Xinli who recovered from the shock and said, "Today...Jinyu's birthday, we have an appointment for a follow-up visit."

"Of course." Finally breaking the silence, Mother Lin pushed her husband again calmly, and said, "My father and I are here to see you off, we have an appointment, right?"

Lin Huainan was staggered by his wife, and Zhang Xinli led them into the room: "You sit...it's not too spacious, you can do whatever you want."

Compared with Lin Jinyu's spacious and bright home located in the center circle, this small living room is really narrow and dark. Mama Lin pushed Lin Huainan to sit on the sofa, turned her head and talked to Lin Jinyu, "Xiaoyu, sit down too... ...Xiao Zhang is also sitting, what are you doing standing up?"

"No," Lin Jinyu said, "I'm not going out soon."

"Don't be in a hurry," Lin's mother winked at Lin Huainan, signaling him to at least start and say something to her son: "Your father even came here on his own initiative, he..."

An unnatural cough interrupted Mama Lin's words, Lin Huainan put down his hands, looked around the table, and remained silent.Zhang Xinli said, "Auntie, is Jinyu's first medical record in your place?"

"Medical records?" Lin's mother said, "At the beginning..." The medical records had been sent to them a long time ago. Halfway through the conversation, she suddenly realized: "It's the same medical records that I read in Shanghai Hospital, not here. , didn’t you find it? How about, Auntie can help you find it?”

"Well," Zhang Xinli unscrewed the doorknob, "Jinyu tends to misplace things and often can't find them, so I'm sorry."

Mother Lin smiled, and said, "Xiaoyu is very annoying. I am his mother, so I should, but I will trouble you."

Zhang Xinli entered the room with her, and the moment the door closed, Lin Jinyu heard him say, "I should too."

With the sound of the door closing, the dimly lit living room fell into silence.

Lin Huainan's gaze was still scanning back and forth on the coffee table, Lin Jinyu stood for a moment, then sat down on the side sofa, not looking at his father, but looking at her cell phone.

After about half a minute of suffocating silence, Lin Huainan coughed again, and said, "The doctor who contacted you today is very authoritative. If you have any discomfort, don't hide it. Tell me." He said, "Xiaoyu, you... ...how is your body now?"

Lin Jinyu's eyes were still fixed on the phone, just when Lin Huainan thought he would never answer his father's question, Lin Jinyu spoke up, and said, "Did you just remember to ask this now?"

He has been sick for more than two years, and if you count the abnormal period of depression in middle school and college, it will be longer. As a father, what is it to ask him about his health now? What did he do so early?

It's strange for children to say "you" to their parents. Lin Huainan knew that he did it on purpose, but he didn't know what to say.When he drove Lin Jinyu out, he had his own reasons for cutting off his financial resources, and he still doesn't regret it to this day. He was just... surprised by the final result.

His son is his own child, no matter how smart he is, Zhang Xinli is much more mature than him in social life, Lin Huainan has always known this.In terms of firmness in feelings, there are probably few people in the world who are more self-willed and willful than Xiaoyu.

This means that once the external pressure increases, they will easily expose the contradictions that may have taken years to accumulate, and even all the trivial and troublesome things will become the driving force behind the foundation of their relationship. The catalyst for clearing the relationship.

Lin Huainan thought that he would soon understand that the heartbeat in his youth was a kind of beautiful naivety, and the reason why it was beautiful was that it never started.

Facing his son's question of "Did you just remember now?", Lin Huainan said: "The doctor has always told me that you are only mildly ill, just adjust your mood."

Doctors are obliged to stabilize the emotions of family members and patients out of professional ethics. Lin Jinyu's physical symptoms were not obvious when he first went to the doctor, and he did not have suicidal tendencies. In addition, Lin Huainan's anxious consultation has always been on orientation issues, and he has no intention of focusing on his psychology. In terms of condition, it is not surprising that Lin Jinyu was diagnosed as mild or moderate, but the condition is not static.

"The doctor also said that I am not sick in terms of orientation and self-identity. Why don't you believe that?" Lin Jinyu's voice was calm, without the hysteria at the beginning: "You only believe what you want to believe."

Lin Huainan couldn't completely deny this, probably everyone did.

"Do you know how bad I was for a while?" His father didn't speak, and Lin Jinyu said to himself: "You don't know anything." He said: "You always know nothing."

Dad is knowledgeable and ignorant.

"Xiaoyu," Lin Huainan said, "it's not like that, whether you believe it or not."

Lin Jinyu said, "That's it, whether you believe it or not."

There was still a smell of red instant noodles in the air, Lin Huainan looked at the orange and incomplete circle on the table, and said: "I don't really want to drive you away, to sever ties with you, I am your father, why not?" could do something like that."

Although he said decisively when he drove his son out of the house, saying that no matter what Lin Jinyu had to face, and he would do whatever he wanted, Lin Huainan knew in his heart that Lin Jinyu would definitely go back to school.The tormented junior year passed, although he never contacted each other, as if they both regarded each other as dead, but he always knew where his son was, and his heart didn't seem to be so suspenseful.

It wasn't until the internship period came that Lin Jinyu suddenly seemed to disappear from the world, and this man who had always claimed to be "strong" suddenly seemed ten years older.

Lin Huainan always thought that he could do no wrong, even if he didn't bother to deal with the leaders, even if he didn't bother to create a lot of fake articles for the sake of indicators, even if he couldn't get a job title, couldn't get a high salary, even if he didn't follow the career path that Grandpa Lin Jinyu hoped for. , He felt that he was not wrong, but just living in his own way.

He used to think that money was something outside of him, and he was comfortable living without being rich. He didn’t need to work hard to get in touch with people in the administration for the sake of his title, and he didn’t need to sharpen his head to make money—later he resigned to do business for Lin Jinyu’s better life. .

Kissing a boss who might not have graduated from junior high was more unbearable than a college boss, but he endured it.

He used to think that he was far-sighted, that Lin Jinyu was just a child who didn't understand love, and he would use appropriate means to make his son sober in order to be unconventional. position in the parent-child relationship.

"'Not really trying to drive me away'," Lin Jinyu repeated, "What's the point? An established fact is an established fact. Dad, you've known nothing about me since then."

When Lin Jinyu told him for the first time that he loved Zhang Xinli, Lin Huainan firmly believed that it was just an illusion of an adolescent child. Later, Lin Jinyu said that he was gay, and he thought it was his son who had just left home and received new knowledge. No matter what Lin Jinyu said that the person he likes is a man, Lin Huainan believed that he was at most double, and he could choose to like women.

However, the fact is that no matter what orientation you are in, love is something that you cannot control yourself. It is not a sober, utilitarian choice of people, but a seed that sprouts spontaneously from the bottom of the heart.

"I don't want to know nothing about you, I want to know you, I want you to live freely as a healthy, happy and good person," Lin Huainan said: "I also do the same thing, what you need, want to learn, want to play Yes, I will do my best for you."

"Yes, under the form of liberalism, I have given it to me with the attitude of a superior," Lin Jinyu is no longer an underage middle school student with knowledge and knowledge, and everything is inferior to Lin Huainan. Talking eloquently about his thoughts on his father in the long pain: "I still remember that on my 14th birthday, my mother asked me what gift I wanted, and I said I wanted to watch a movie with the family, but you didn't come."

"Xiao Yu, Dad didn't do it on purpose, he was just too busy," Lin Huainan said, "And that movie was actually not that good, it was rather... tasteless. Dad didn't watch another movie with you as compensation."

What movie Lin Huainan chose Lin Jinyu has forgotten, only remember what awards she won.It might be a very good movie, many times higher than Lin Jinyu's own selection of bad comedy movies, but - Lin Jinyu has forgotten, or he never remembered.

"Yes," Lin Jinyu said: "You are practicing 'in the form of liberalism, give me everything with a hidden superior attitude'. Or you can go and learn about Harry Harlow's monkey experiment , since childhood, you and I have never dealt with each other."

Lin Jinyu and his father never dealt with each other since childhood.Lin Huainan always likes those high-quality, in-depth, and adult things, but he is not interested in anything that adolescent children like.

In other words, he lacks the ability to reduce dimensionality.In his teens, when Lin Jinyu tried to share everything he liked with his father, such as songs, anime, novels, and TV series, he always dismissed it.He felt that Lin Jinyu would grow up, and he would know that the things he liked at that time and his past self were synonymous with childishness, and then he would understand what is truly mature and extensive that can stand the test of time.

From the perspective of the future, Lin Huainan may be right. Many things that Lin Jinyu regarded as a standard when he was fourteen or five years old are now regarded as trash by him. imprint of childishness.But the future is not the same as the present. At that time, for Lin Jinyu, who was existing at the age of [-] or [-], happiness and the whole world were simple, hidden in those seemingly childish hobbies of adults. Hidden in a song that is not very good, a manga that is not deep but good-looking, and a novel.But his father, who lacks the ability to reduce dimensionality, cannot empathize with him.

Lin Huainan didn't do it for profit, he just tried to teach Lin Jinyu everything that is truly meaningful, give him a good life, give him the opportunity to go to the best school, send him to Liangshan, hope he understands the preciousness of time, hope he can appreciate it a little The original beauty of literature, he did endow Lin Jinyu with a little talent for humanities, but at the same time, it inevitably gave him the loneliness that no one understood and no one shared throughout his adolescence.

"I know about his rhesus monkey experiment," Lin Huainan said, "Xiaoyu, in your heart, am I a cold wire father who never gave you contact comfort, never gave you spiritual attachment?"

Lin Jinyu replied: "No, you are just an ordinary, not bad, but not perfect father."

So his father will also be stubborn, make mistakes, and misunderstand his children. Lin Jinyu said: "I don't want to find out whether you have bothered to pay attention to me after cutting off my financial resources. That doesn't matter to me anymore."

He has already been in pain, just like the scar burned by a cigarette butt when he quarreled with his father, it has been burned, healed, and there is no trace.

Lin Jinyu thinks clearly and speaks articulately: "Although I have expected your attention and been raised by you in the first 20 years of my life, that has passed. In the second year of high school, you clearly promised that one day I will be an adult and work. , if you still say you love him, you won't stop me anymore... I think you have forgotten."

Lin Huainan can't remember clearly, it seems that there was such a thing, he said that at that time because he was sure that Lin Jinyu would realize his naivety, every man's first love is like this, there is no result, so it is extremely beautiful.

Lin Jinyu was still talking: "Dad, you once asked me whether the three elements of intimacy, passion, commitment, and love are all there between me and him... Now I can answer you, yes. Although I know that the freshness will be lost , the passion will never be full, but I think Sternberg is describing the most perfect love, but there are too many loves in the world that are not 100% perfect, but it is still love, isn't it. I know that neither he nor I are perfect But that doesn't stop us from falling in love."

"..."

Lin Huainan should be thankful that Lin Jinyu is still willing to call him father. Too many fathers and sons, mothers and daughters have turned against each other because of coming out of the closet. From the yard of the home, it has been written.

"For a while, I was in a bad mood, and I blamed you all. I thought why you gave birth to me...but you did your best to raise me up, so there's nothing to blame."

Like he said, no matter what his parents were, he loved them.

Lin Jinyu looked slightly apologetic, but she was firm: "I will be sad and sorry to leave you and my mother, but I can't pretend to love another person for you."

He said slowly, "Dad, how I live my life is up to me."

Surrounded by silence, Lin Huainan's glasses reflected an arc, and there was a rare shock in his brown eyes.

That was his son, completely opposite to his expectations, but also exactly the same son. He grew up freely, gently and healthily.

Lin Jinyu lowered her eyes and didn't look at his father, because as he said, he actually didn't care so much about his father's answer anymore. No matter what his father answered, he and Zhang Xinli were in love with each other.

There was no sound in the room. Zhang Xinli and Lin's mother seemed to be very dedicated to finding the medical records that Zhang Xinli had held long ago, so that no one opened the door for such a long time.Lin Jinyu thought that the two of them were rummaging through the room at the moment, but in fact—they were standing at the door, listening to the living room through the door, wishing they could put their ears on the wooden door.

Zhang Xinli was surprised and relieved by his partner's non-aggressive but firm attitude. He thought that when Lin Jinyu saw his father suddenly, not to mention crying bitterly, there would always be some emotional fluctuations. Under the excitement, the two wondered if they could communicate well.

His worries were superfluous.

Zhang Xinli and Lin's mother held their breath through the thick door panel, waiting to hear Lin Huainan's next words.After Lin Jinyu finished saying that, his father was silent for a long time, and after a long time, he opened his mouth and said, "Xiaoyu, this is also my first time becoming a father."

Lin Jinyu raised his head. Lin Huainan seemed to be feeling tired. He took off his glasses, pinched the bridge of his nose, and said, "...so there are some things that I don't understand, and I make mistakes. Don't blame Dad."

His son’s year of no news and torment caused him to suffer a lot. The last doctor Lin Jinyu saw in Shanghai once suggested that Lin Huainan should read some related sexology books by himself, or seek counseling from a counselor for therapy, so he lost his son’s audio. This year, Lin Huainan finally tried.

There are three in a family, two are seeing a psychiatrist, and one needs to rely on sleeping pills to fall asleep. It's just because the child fell in love with someone, it's really dumbfounding.

That year, Lin Huainan used various methods to find out where Lin Jinyu was. Xu Zhao was a good buddy who kept Lin Jinyu's secret from the beginning to the end. , Friends, Lin Huainan may still be kept in the dark.

The only nephew who knew about it was the first to notice something was wrong. After all, uncles and nephews are connected by blood. Lin Huainan, the younger uncle, has always been kind to Lin Jinyu's cousins ​​- he is the only one among the brothers who does business, and he has the most money. When my cousin graduated, housing prices were skyrocketing, so his uncle gave him a down payment with no interest as a graduation gift.

The little cousin couldn't refuse the humble request of the uncle, Lin Huainan begged him to go and see his son, what happened to the debt, how was he doing, and whether he still didn't regret being with the man.

Lin Huainan said: "When you were young, you were always hot for 3 minutes. If you loved something, you would lose it. No matter how much you liked it, you would put it aside in a blink of an eye... Loving someone is sometimes the same as loving a manga, novel, or TV series. At the beginning, you may Felt like it, there was going to be a frenzied first period, but that would pass."

Dad said: "The fanaticism will make you love everything about him, but what is left after the fanaticism fades, you have to understand and feel it."

Lin Jinyu recalled the time when he and Zhang Xinli were together. In the ivory tower, there was no firewood, rice, oil, salt, and everything was beautiful. They only had each other in their eyes. Worry about gains and losses, hesitate to speak, and become jealous of each other if they are not careful.

The frenzy passed, the turmoil calmed down, they separated and reconciled, after thinking about it, they were still in love.

Lin Jinyu looked at Lin Huainan, and suddenly noticed her father's white hair at the temples.

Although his handsomeness is roughly inherited from his mother, the flamboyant heroism between his brows is actually exactly the same as that of his father, but it turns out that his father will also grow old tired.He remembered his father teaching him to ride a bicycle when he was a child, and the few family photos in the photo album, Lin Huainan was holding him who was still a baby.

He was so young and immature.

"If you are free, let's go home and have a meal together someday," Lin Jinyu's father finally said, "When you are not at home, I still cook a big table every year...Xiao Zhang has no other relatives in Shanghai except you , you have to treat him better, and you can't be as willful as you are at home."