God said I would meet you

Lin Huainan suddenly discovered that in recent days, Lin Jinyu seemed to have become obedient.

He is no longer like a dynamite bag that explodes every time he talks to him about his orientation, quarrels with him hoarsely, and no longer confronts his parents, refuses to do what he asks, and doesn't talk to them much, even if Even if he was asked to wash his hands and eat, he would have a cold face and slam the door.

As long as they were at home, Lin Jinyu shut herself in the room silently most of the time, since the communication was ineffective, she refused to communicate, and everyone didn't understand each other, and each lived a boring life under the same roof.

The hospital was still running as usual. Lin Jinyu couldn't say he was cooperative, but he wasn't uncooperative either. Anyway, he would do any inspections and answer any questions, like a machine that received orders unilaterally.

……

"Take these questionnaires."

In the blink of an eye, it was time for the next visit. Uncle Zhao told him before leaving that this is a certain expert who came to Beijing to participate in the exchange meeting. , the more he has these titles, the more he seems to be on the opposite side.

The window in the consulting room was bright and clean, and there was a pot of green radishes with green branches and leaves on the table. The female doctor's jet-black ponytail was tied high, which reminded Lin Jinyu of her mother, who always liked to wear a high ponytail when she was young.

There were several copies of printing paper spread out in different categories on the table. Lin Jinyu glanced sideways, not wanting to move.

"It's okay, just play a game." The female doctor's voice was slow and patient, and even the wrinkles at the corners of her eyes were gentle. She looked at Lin Huainan who was standing aside, and asked, "About how old are you?"

"21," Lin Huainan replied, "I just turned 21."

"Okay," said the female doctor, "Parents, please wait outside the door now, we will call when it is ready."

Lin Huainan hesitated for a moment, then replied, "Okay...then I will trouble you."

Lin Jinyu heard the sound of the door of the consulting room closing behind her, picked up a pen very bored, and began to tick off the paper.

The titles were printed line by line and column on those papers, and there were no Chinese titles, only some incomprehensible letters were printed in the title positions, such as SAS, SDS, MDQ... and so on.

When he was filling out the form, the female doctor didn't stare at him, but wrote something on the table with a pen, and flipped through the documents from time to time, as if she was doing her own thing and didn't bother him, which made Lin Jinyu feel Get comfortable, he's really fed up with the atmosphere surrounding him, staring and asking questions.

"Are you in college?" When he was filling out the form, the female doctor asked in a casual manner while writing and drawing, "School should start by now, why didn't you go to school?"

Speaking of this, Lin Jinyu held back his anger, and said, "Ask my dad."

"That's quite difficult," said the female doctor, "Actually, there's no need to delay your studies. Which university is it in Shanghai?"

"No." Lin Jinyu said the name of the school out of boredom, and the female doctor asked him what major he studied, how he liked the class, and whether he liked the current major.

From the beginning to the present, until Lin Jinyu ticked off all the difficult questionnaires, she didn't ask any questions about orientation or falling in love.

Lin Jinyu breathed a sigh of relief. He put down the pen, pushed away the chair and prepared to stand up, and said, "Just fill it out, can we go?"

"Don't worry, wait a moment," the female doctor looked at the wall clock on the wall, and said, "It's not time yet, wait a little longer."

What are you doing here, Lin Jinyu was puzzled: "Is there a watch?"

"Not yet," the female doctor said in a less aggressive manner, "just ask a few questions."

OK is still the same old way, Lin Jinyu sat down, feeling sleepy and uninterested, and said, "Okay, let's ask."

However, the female doctor didn't press the bad and meaningless questions that the previous doctors asked, such as "Do you like women", "Do you like men", "Can you like women", "How do you like women?" I'm sure it's not an illusion." Yun Yun said, "My uncle is also gay, but he didn't find out until very late...much later than you, about 50 or [-] years old, when his children were working."

This is very novel, Lin Jinyu was taken aback, and asked: "Really? Impossible, how could it be so late."

"It's possible," said the female doctor, "the vast majority of people's exploration of orientation will be completed before the age of 20, but there are also very few who will not be discovered until they are 50 to [-] years old. Usually, the more closed the environment, the longer the exploration time... When did you find out?"

Lin Jinyu thought for a while and said, "High school...probably the first and second year of high school."

"Oh, it's probably late puberty," the female doctor said, "it's normal, much better than my uncle... How did you feel when you found out? Was it a novelty, or was it scary, or felt that you were special and amazing? "

Although it was speculated that this might be a means to appease the patient's emotions, Lin Jinyu was still a little grateful for the three words "very normal" she said.He said: "... there will be a little novelty, only a little, more panic... I feel that I am not normal or something."

"what about now?"

"Now?" Lin Jinyu said, "It's good now, what else?"

The female doctor smiled: "No, it's not very good, just asking, you know that some people can't pass this test, even though you are, you still think it's against nature."

Most of the people Lin Jinyu came into contact with were young people of the same age, but no one thought so for the time being.

The female doctor said: "Then have you thought about liking girls in the past? After all, according to past records, strictly speaking, you are bisexual, right?"

She replaced words like "case" with "record". Lin Jinyu answered the question that had been answered countless times again, and said, "I haven't thought about it, I'm not interested, I'm fine, thank you."

The female doctor didn't say anything, but raised her eyebrows, showing an "oh, that's interesting" look, and nodded.Lin Jinyu couldn't help but said: "Don't you think it's funny, this kind of thing can also be interfered by humans? Is it true that any parents who are dissatisfied with their son-in-law and daughter-in-law can go to the hospital for correction? Nonsense!"

"You're right," the female doctor didn't refute him at all, she just raised her mouth slightly and said, "Well...you know the current social conditions in the country, it's not an ideal country, have you ever thought about... Are you luckier than someone who is gay by nature? I’m not saying being gay is bad, it’s just the reality that if you’re willing to consciously try, your life can be a lot easier.”

Lin Jinyu said: "No need, isn't it smooth sailing when most people live? Still have to pick and choose, conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, bride price and dowry, when to have a baby, who will take care of the baby, whether confinement should sit, education process, etc. Who to listen to, which kindergarten to go to, which elementary school to go to, what to do if you don’t pass the middle school exam, who’s home to go back to during the Chinese New Year...why does my dad always seem to think that if he has a girlfriend and talks about marriage, he will have no troubles? It's just choosing one of the trivial sufferings to bear."

The female doctor was a little surprised. She probably didn't expect that this patient, who had stopped talking so much since entering the door, could speak quite well... At first, she thought it was an introverted personality or something.

Lin Jinyu said: "Don't discuss this kind of issue anymore, it's meaningless. Whose life is not suffering, you think you escaped by walking a certain road, but there are new ones on the new road, you can escape Finished?"

"Okay," the female doctor looked at him for a while, then handed him the last form in her hand, and said, "This is the last form. It's OK after you fill it out, okay?"

……

After a few minutes.

The door of the consulting room was pushed open, Lin Jinyu came out without looking back, found a seat in the corridor and sat down, his father passed him by and entered the consulting room.

"...Your son doesn't have any problems with his orientation." The female doctor adjusted her glasses and said patiently: "The test results for emotional disorders are also fine, but the anxiety index is very high, and he has a tendency to be mildly depressed."

"What do you mean," Lin Huainan said, "it means it can't be cured?"

"How to say...you can understand it this way," the female doctor said: "If it's about anxiety or depression, I suggest prescribing some drugs. He has a tendency to worsen depression, but as far as the orientation you consulted...can't do any treatment , " she said: "The only treatment we can do for homosexuality is 'pointing disorder', that is to say, if he can't identify with his own orientation, we can give him a specific treatment... But your son's self-identity is currently at a loss. Said it was done very well, and there were no problems in all aspects.”

"But he's not gay."

"Indeed," the female doctor said, "It depends on how you understand it. If you insist on pursuing a purely conceptual definition, you can say no." She handed a form in her hand to Lin Huainan: "You majored in psychology in college. Do you study related majors, or engage in related mental health care?"

Lin Huainan replied: "No."

"Then let me tell you briefly," the female doctor thought for a while, and said as plainly as possible: "I gave him an orientation scale test, and the result showed that your son is at level 4, which means that he is basically homosexual and heterosexual. Orientation focuses on the low."

Lin Huainan looked at the watch and didn't speak for a long time.

The female doctor waited for him for a while, gave him time to digest, and then said: "So...the situation is like this, your son doesn't need any treatment other than depression and anxiety, but he is oriented to this problem...I think, I can only chat with you."

……

On the way home, Lin Huainan was as silent as Lin Jinyu.

Lin Jinyu didn't talk to his father either. The father and son arrived home without a word. Mrs. Zhou had already finished the meal and left. His mother just came back from the company and saw them coming in and asked, "Xiaoyu, how are you today?" ?”

Lin Jinyu didn't speak, Lin's mother looked at Lin Huainan, and his father didn't speak.

Probably because she sensed that there was something wrong with the atmosphere, Mother Lin said, "Wash your hands and eat."

Since Lin Jinyu said that he likes men, there has been almost no laughter in this family. Lin Jinyu was a little slow to react, and it took a few seconds before she dragged her feet to the sink to wash her hands.

Before going in, he casually put his phone by the socket to charge it, but when he came out, he saw his dad standing there, as if looking through his phone.

He had just returned from the hospital that smelled of disinfectant water, and it was a sensitive time right now. The dissatisfaction, anxiety, and anger accumulated for many days erupted at this moment. His father snatched his cell phone back and asked, "What are you doing?"

His lock screen password has been changed, Lin Huainan seems to be unable to open it, Lin Jinyu lowered his head, and saw the screen display "iPhone is disabled, please enter it again after 5 minutes".

Normally, entering the wrong password five times will only lock the screen for 1 minute, which means that his dad has tried 7 times in a row.

Lin Jinyu said loudly: "You secretly checked my phone? Have you forgotten how you educated me since you were a child? Are you still my father!"

His father, who almost never smokes indoors, held a cigarette in his right hand and said unbearably, "You think I want to check? If there is no other way, do I like to check your mobile phone? Tell me, have you ever fallen in love with a man?" !"

He also seems to be extremely anxious. No matter where he goes or how many doctors he sees, he will always get one answer: there is no way, it cannot be treated.

Everyone told him his appeal was wrong.

Even if he signed up for the most expensive expert account, it was still like this. He didn't understand why there were so many people in the world, but the one who was different was his son.

"I didn't," Lin Jinyu said coldly, "Don't think that you have the opportunity to blame others."

Indeed, as he had guessed, if Lin Jinyu said a certain person's name, his parents would feel that this person had led him into trouble.

"Delusion? What is delusion?" Lin Huainan said, "I hope you grow up freely and healthily. I hope you become a better person, but I don't want you to go off the beaten path!"

"Your hope is to let go of it?" Lin Jinyu's accumulated resentment and disappointment since adolescence also exploded, and he used unceremonious words: "Your hope is to promise that there will be no one to watch movies with me on my birthday, How far can you send me to Liangshan during the summer vacation, and now take me to the hospital every day, and keep saying that I am sick or sick? Do you deserve to be my father!"

"..."

This is probably the sharpest knife without a sharp edge in the world, every time it cuts a father's heart.

"I want you to be free," Lin Huainan murmured, "I used to be a teacher in a university, and my job was very stable, but I didn't have much money. The housing prices in Shanghai are so expensive. I think you can drink expensive milk powder, and I think you can get the most Good school, Dad can buy you any toys you want, so I quit my job and started a business with your mother... At first I didn't have anything, and then I finally got everything... But why are you like this? ?”

Lin Jinyu wanted to learn the violin, so he sent him to learn. Lin Jinyu wanted to skateboard, so he bought him the best imported board. Lin Jinyu was not good at math and was lazy and didn’t want to study, so he didn’t go. He hoped that he would be happy Yes... Since childhood, Lin Huainan gave him whatever he wanted, but this time, he couldn't understand Lin Jinyu.

He didn't understand why his son was unwilling to go when there was a better way.

Lin Huainan said, "Give me the phone."

Lin Jinyu said, "No."

Lin Huainan said: "Then tell me, who is the man you are dating?"

Lin Jinyu still said, "No."

His father finally stretched out his hand to snatch it, Lin Jinyu resisted, and during the fight between father and son, Lin Huainan waved his hand holding the cigarette butt, and by coincidence, he just swung Lin Jinyu's palm.

The orange-red cigarette head hit Lin Jinyu's palm fiercely, like a miniature piece of burning coal, like an extremely hot flame pressed into his palm. Lin Jinyu flinched, feeling the burning pain in his heart, so hot that it hurt and itched.

He trembled, but the hand holding the phone didn't relax a bit.

"Xiao Yu!" Mama Lin was in the kitchen holding the dishes, but when she heard the father and son quarreling again, she hurried over and happened to witness this scene.

She pulled the two of them apart, and couldn't bear it any longer and said, "Okay!" This always gentle woman finally used the aggressive temperament of a Shanghai woman to treat her son and husband: "Give me a meal for both of you! Don't arrive in one day." If you are noisy at night, don't talk if you don't like to talk, shut up!"

Lin Jinyu's throat was dry, and he was clutching his mobile phone tightly with one hand... His palm hurt, and his heart was extremely uncomfortable: "No," Lin Jinyu's Adam's apple moved up and down, and said with difficulty: "I'm not hungry, I'm going back to my room."

Then no matter what his parents said, he didn't look back, went back to the room by himself, closed and locked the door.

Outside the glass door of the balcony, the setting sun is like a vat of warm-color paint poured down, flowing on the magnificent sky... The orange color is so hot that it reminds him of the cigarette butt that scalded him.

The wound area was not large, but it was very painful. Lin Jinyu tore a piece of paper casually, wiped the blood along the edge of the round scorched mouth, looked at the exposed, hideous dermis and bloodshot flesh, and then did not bother to apply the Band-Aid. Tie, just sitting on the bed in a daze, watching the sunset outside the balcony in a daze.

Recently, he often falls into this state, as if all of a sudden, he has no desires, no interest in everything, and nothing can make him feel interesting, fun and happy. He used to be obsessed with comics and games. , Movies... It seems that I don't know from which moment it became completely meaningless.

Lin Jinyu just kept staring out of the window until the short sunset took away the last ray of light, and when it got dark, he was shrouded in pitch black shadows.

The lights of other people's houses became the only light source. Lin Jinyu felt very tired and didn't want to turn on the lights. His eyes became sore after staring at one place for a long time. He slowly rolled his eyes, glanced at the music stands piled up on the balcony, and There is a large stack of scores on a shelf.

After entering high school, due to his busy schedule, he stopped learning the violin. When he was not at home, his parents would not touch his things. At most, they would clean up and wipe the table, and put everything back as it was.

So at this time, the last piece of music that Lin Jinyu played was placed on the music stand. The paper of the score was a little old. It hadn't been touched since the art performance ended many years ago, and it was always there.

Lin Jinyu's tired eyes suddenly softened a little. He moved, got out of bed, went to the door to check the lock, then opened the glass door, walked to the balcony, and leaned against Zhang Xinli, who he used to lean on to look up at the sunset and overlook the sunset. He unlocked the password by the railing in Shanghai and pulled out the number that had been on the blacklist for a month.

He didn't want to disturb Zhang Xinli, but at this moment, he was really sad.

The beeping sound was gentle, like his tired heartbeat... In the dark night, Lin Jinyu seemed to finally be unable to resist shedding the last layer of armor, and said to the person opposite: "... Where are you, can you listen to my call... ..."

"I'm so tired," he said.