32 days

Tian Lu, a psychiatrist, understood Yi Alan's mood almost instantly. He could see that this person was quite sensitive. This sensitivity may be born or shaped by the acquired environment.In any case, a sensitive boy must have suffered in a family environment where his father was gay and he himself was probably the product of a deception.

"When my mother and I found out that he was gay, he was already dead." Yi Alan continued after a while, "He drove to meet his male lover in the middle of the night, and then got into a car accident. We also learned of his death. And then learn why he died."

Death, derailment, fraudulent marriage.

The successive triple blows almost broke the gentle and quiet Yue Ximing completely.

That year, Yi Alan had just turned nine years old.

In Yi Alan's impression, his father, Yi Yunshan, has always been elegant and elegant. He would talk to Yi Alan in a soft voice, and he and his mother have treated each other with respect and seldom quarreled for many years.When Yi Alan grew up, when he recalled them, he had to admit that it was actually a polite but non-passionate relationship.

Before Yi Yunshan's death, he was busy with a larger project and often worked overtime and stayed up late. Yi Alan still remembered the bloodshot eyes coming out of his eyes.He was so hard and exhausted, but on the day before the male lover's birthday, he still drove 100 kilometers across after rushing overtime at ten o'clock in the evening to send the earliest birthday wishes to that man.

In the later surveillance video, Yi Alan saw his father encounter a drunk driving car head-on, he turned the steering wheel urgently, and had already avoided the menacing car, but still bumped into the guardrail all the way and rushed down the viaduct, Died instantly.Later, the traffic police determined that Yi Yunshan was driving fatigued while talking on the phone with his male lover. The force of the impact knocked out the guardrail.

It was a day of great pain and extreme shame. Yue Ximing was full of complicated emotions about Yi Yunshan's death. He wanted to say that he died well, but he was so sad that he vomited.

Yue Ximing, grandma, and uncle actually wanted to hide Yi Alan from the other side, but the nine-year-old child already understood a lot, from the adults' frequent exchange of glances, ambiguous statements in front of him, and the few words he secretly heard behind his back, Realized the cruel truth.

It was because of the young Yi Alan that Yue Ximing regained his strength, and because of this, he devoted too much love and attention to Yi Alan.

Yi Alan said to the psychiatrist with some difficulty: "You know, homosexuality may be inherited genetically."

Tian Lu nodded, he could also expect that Yue Ximing, who was like a frightened bird, would be extra panicky and pay too much attention to his son's sexuality.

After Yi Alan's sexual development, Yue Ximing is probably the only parent who wants her son to fall in love with girls as soon as possible. Even if she shows interest in girls, she will be very happy. Sometimes she will deliberately take pictures of class activities and ask Yi Alan what she thinks Which child is the prettiest, or joking about my son is so handsome, is there any girl in the class chasing after him; and once Yi Alan gets too close to a male classmate, it will arouse Yue Ximing's vigilance, even if it is just normal Friendship among children.

Yue Ximing actually hid her worries about her son's sexuality very well, she didn't want to put too much pressure on Yi Alan.

But Yi Alan is precocious and sensitive, he can feel his mother's surveillance and inquiry all the time, and he can even feel that it is actually his mother's deep love for him.He didn't want to disappoint his mother, so he deliberately kept a distance from his male classmates, and since he really couldn't play with girls, he began to learn to be lonely.

His adolescence was as volatile as his mother's worries. Yue Ximing hoped that he would play more with his female classmates to cultivate relationships, but he was also afraid that he would have too much contact with girls. When Yi Alan played ball and games with the boys and got carried away with joy, deep melancholy and anxiety welled up again.

While Yue Ximing tortured himself, he also indirectly tortured Yi Alan.The root of everything is that Yi Yunshan who has been dead for many years but still haunts him.

The topic of sexuality has never been open and honest between them, and both of them have tacitly and carefully bypassed this aspect.The only time the sword was on the verge of breaking the window paper was when Yi Alan ignored her mother's objection and applied for a long-distance college application.

Yue Ximing's eyes were red with anxiety, she didn't understand why Yi Alan ran so far away without going to a better local university.Perhaps she understood that deep down in her heart she felt that Yi Alan wanted to escape from her sight.She just didn't dare to admit it, didn't dare to think about why Yi Alan wanted to escape.

Yi Alan said that although the comprehensive strength of that university is not as good as that of the city, its majors in robotics and artificial intelligence are excellent.The reason was justified, and it made Yue Ximing unable to stand on the commanding heights to oppose.

On the night of the last confrontation, Yi Alan looked at his mother's slightly hopeless and disillusioned eyes. He thought that his mother would ask him, are you like your father?

"If your mother asked, how would you answer?" Tian Lu asked.

"I will say," Yi Alan lowered his eyelids, unable to bear it: "Yes."

That was also the time when he was the most rebellious and courageous. If everything was completely spread out at that time, and his shady sexuality was completely exposed to the scorching sun, maybe Yi Alan would feel better today

Yi Alan sometimes wonders, despite all kinds of avoidance and rejection, he still has a sexual reaction to men, whether it is already engraved in his genes, or he has received reverse psychological hints, the more afraid he is, the more curious he is.

The psychiatrist has no way to give a definite answer to this confusion for the time being.

Tian Lu asked: "Have you ever had sex with men? How do you feel about it?"

Yi Alan shook her head quickly: "When I realized that I liked men, I panicked, and I didn't dare to get too close to men. If other men expressed affection for me, I would be afraid."

Fear of falling into a more irreparable quagmire.

Tian Lu was clear, and he poured hot water into the cup in front of Yi Alan's desk, and gave him a little time to calm down before talking about his own thoughts.

"I'm trying to analyze the strange world you saw." Tian Luping looked at Yi Alan, "First of all, what confuses you the most is your deceased uncle's tattoo. You and your uncle haven't seen each other for a year or two, and The last time you saw him he didn't have any tattoos, you're pretty sure of that. His tattoos were done without your knowledge, and you wouldn't know what those tattoos looked like. But when you see your uncle's body Finally, you feel that the tattoo is very familiar, you saw it 'a few days ago', that is, on the 32nd."

"Yes."

"This is actually a very common phenomenon." Tian Lu smiled, "Many people have had this experience. When doing something or seeing a certain scene, they will feel familiar, as if they have experienced it. From the medical perspective Explain, this is called the transient discharge phenomenon of the cerebral cortex, also known as the phenomenon of false vision and visual memory. As the name suggests, it is related to the memory storage mechanism of the brain. There is a memory buffer area in the human brain, and the memory goes to the real current memory through this transfer station area. It’s just that the brain occasionally makes mistakes, especially when you’re tired. It’s not surprising, right? The brain sometimes passes the current memory through the cache area and stores it in the historical memory by mistake. In this way, your understanding of the thing in front of you Impressions come from the 'historical memory' of the brain rather than actual historical memory, which gives you the illusion that this has already happened."

Yi Alan's expression was dubious. He had experienced the phenomenon Tian Lu said, but it was a very vague and short-lived feeling of déjà vu, but his memory of his uncle's tattoo was extremely clear.

Tian Lu continued: "You also mentioned that it is a world where most people disappear for no reason. I think it is because you subconsciously want them to disappear. I have encountered many mental illnesses caused by homosexuality. For many patients, homosexuality itself does not make them feel sad, but it is the strange eyes of the outside world and the incomprehension of family members that give them great pressure. If these disappear, then homosexuality will no longer be a problem.”

Yi Alan opened his mouth, but stopped talking.

Tian Lu smiled and said: "I know what you want to say. You love your mother very much and don't want her to disappear. But what I'm talking about is the subconscious mind. You can't deny that she did give you unbearable pressure. Her love , her painstaking efforts, turned into a net to cover you, you can't bear to hurt that net, because that means hurting your mother. So she disappeared out of thin air, just disappeared, but no harm."

"Let's talk about the man named Zhou Yan'an you met." Tian Lu asked, "Does Zhou Yan'an fit your aesthetics?"

Yi Alan was stunned, and suddenly felt a little embarrassed: "He, he looks good, but I don't have any thoughts about that. I have been panicking about the end of the world, and I don't have time to think about it."

"You don't need to be shy." Tian Lu smiled understandingly, "Actually, I also admire the Zhou Yan'an you described. He actually represents you and most men and women's unified aesthetics of the symbol of masculinity. His beauty is universal. , In the sense of aesthetics. Human beings have admired such men from ancient times to the present. It is the impression engraved in human genes from ancient times when men fought with wild beasts, defended their homes and defended their country through long wars, and opened up territories. Brave, powerful, and fearless in the face of disaster. You said he could use a gun? This is a manifestation of modern power. Therefore, Zhou Yanan is the perfect male symbol in your subconscious.

"The pregnant woman is not a separate individual, but a symbol. In literary terms, it is a motif. She represents the reproduction of human beings, which is also an instinctive desire engraved in human genes. Homosexuality is not Was it considered a heresy in the past because you couldn’t reproduce? You and Zhou Yan’an delivered a baby together. This is a ceremony to complete the reproductive pressure imposed on you by society and history. The 32nd is your subconscious bear The redemption I long for without all kinds of pressure. Because it is subconscious, many details cannot be scrutinized, and many problems appear to be extreme."

Yi Alan wanted to refute the psychiatrist, but couldn't do it, because after thinking about it carefully, the psychiatrist seemed to make a lot of sense.

"If you next time..." Tian Lu did not directly use such abnormal words as "fantasy" and "illusion", but said respectfully, "If you can still see Zhou Yan'an, I suggest you have a more intimate relationship with him Relationship, maybe I will be able to understand whether your love for the same sex is a biological gene based on the behavior projected by your subconscious mind, or is it due to the forbidden fruit effect of being more forbidden and more curious. If it is the latter, you can still go through psychotherapy , to restore the original sexual orientation."

Yi Alan was so embarrassed that the back of his ears turned red. He felt that the doctor suggested this because he didn't know how real Zhou Yanan he saw was.Although Zhou Yan'an is indeed perfect like a symbol, it is not a symbol at his mercy.