Shiva

[Brahman].

On the night I came back from dinner, I had a spicy dream. In the dream, I was trapped in the red vortex, pushed by the torrent, and the hope of struggling out became slim. I looked down and saw the face of the person standing in the center of the vortex. I don't know, but my intuition tells me that he is Shen Xu, the guide I met in New Delhi, a man who often stares at me in ecstasy, a stranger I used to be very familiar with.

The fall caused weightlessness. When I woke up, Shen Xu had already put on a moss-colored shirt, and was fiddling with something with his back to me. The fresh morning light made the bright place brighter, but there was no sense of vitality. I called Shen Xu, he Turning around, raising the camera and snapping a picture.

One eye protruded from the back of the black machine, and I belatedly blocked my face, "Sloppy."

"No hindrance." He looked at the photo, "No one else knows."

No one else knows.His articulation suddenly became ambiguous, maybe I was blinded early in the morning, his expression softened for no reason while staring at the photo, and asked me how my dinner was yesterday.

"Next time, don't rush to pay the bill." I said, "I will treat you today, you will be my guide, take care of my illness and treat me to dinner, really..."

"Yes." Shen Xu looked at me with a smile, "Where can I find such a good guide?"

"There's one in New Delhi." I rolled over and got out of bed, the phone in the room beeped at eight o'clock, I unplugged the phone from the charging cable, and asked without thinking: "Where are we going today?"

"Would you like to see Little Shiva? It's in the National Museum of New Delhi." Shen Xu was wearing a watch on his left hand. His forearm didn't have much exercise marks, but it was still well-proportioned and slender. Now, I watched him smoothly buckle the buckle and looked away.

During the peak tourist season, we used leaflets to fan the fans. We queued for a long time at the National Museum before entering, but we couldn’t see the statue of Shiva right away. First, we looked at the miniature paintings and the nudes at the beginning of p and v. Alphabet figurines.

I stared at the connection between the three (there are four and five people). India is really open to sex, and is obsessed with the expression of bursting power. This kind of frank and artificial exaggeration can be seen almost everywhere. I pondered for a while, It is said that the stone carvings of the Khajurahou Temple are more exaggerated, and there are overwhelming sex positions. Many foreigners are shy, especially the Japanese, but they want to see it very much, so they took out their mobile phones to pretend to take pictures of the scenery, but in fact they used the zoom function to zoom in secretly. look.

"I'll take you there if you want to see it." Shen Xu whispered in my ear, "Will you be shy?"

"Would you?" I asked him back.

"No." Shen Xu straightened up, half-downcasting his eyes to look at the stone sculpture next to him, a few places of colored mud peeled off, revealing the vitality of the original rock.

"Then neither will I."

I pressed the glass separating me from the stone sculpture, and brought my face very close, "It seems... I can hear them shouting."

"They always give people a sense of synaesthesia. In India, you can feel a kind of energy." Shen Xu said, "When I came here for the first time..."

His words stopped halfway, and I turned around, "What's wrong? When you first came here?"

Shen Xu glanced at the stone sculpture, then took a deep look at me, and finally said: "It's nothing. Here, the statue of Shiva, the king of dancing, is in front."

I looked towards the place where the crowd gathered, and there was a solitary beam of light. I followed Shen Xu, halfway there, but I started to feel timid. I comforted myself, I haven’t seen the big Shiva yet, why would I want to see the little Shiva? Nervous, no one turned around on the road.

"Don't want to watch?" Shen Xu saw my discomfort.

"I made an appointment to watch it with him." I said in a low voice, "Will this be considered breaking my promise?"

"It wasn't you who broke his promise, it was him." Shen Xu had an unreasonable annoyance on his face, he directly held my wrist and walked forward, the temperature of his palm was low and very comfortable.

"Shen Xu." I approached, "Do you think he will want to make up for me?"

Shen Xu's footsteps paused, then he turned his head and stared at me bluntly: "Do you think...he still loves you?"

"Love..." I said, I would like to believe that the core of that iceberg loves me, but this feeling has been washed away by other things over the years, and it can only be achieved in a very strenuous way. To confuse myself, I barely squeeze out a little bit of sugar from the bitterness.

"We packed our luggage together."

But compared to the previous deep affection, this love is just a drop in the bucket.

"Stupid." Shen Xu commented on me, but I was not angry, "Sometimes, I think you and my boyfriend are quite similar."

"Really?" Shen Xu led me forward again, without any fluctuations in his tone, "Like before, or after?"

"Well, before."

Shen Xu didn't speak, from my perspective, I could only see the corners of his mouth slightly raised.

"Look, Shiva," he said.

A bronze statue, Shiva stepped on a dwarf, surrounded by a strong rhythm of flames, stretching his body on a round double lotus, the light and shadow flickering, he is jumping and panting.

"Why step on the villain?"

"A dwarf? He represents ignorance and ignorance."

"What dance is Shiva dancing?"

"The dance of the universe, the dance of eternity, the dance of destruction and immortality."

Like a torrential rain that pours endless fire, Shiva's radiant three eyes reflect the long silver thread drawn by time, he dances non-stop, and the Ganges water that patters in his hair twists and turns and flows to the world , round after round, a delicate yet powerful balance.

I felt a slight suffocation, and my emotions surged with unknown meaning. I have never wanted to love all the strangers around me like I do now. This is too unimaginable and absurd.

On the left of Shiva is a cat with its front paws raised high above its head. Due to years of weathering and corrosion, its eyes have collapsed into two hollows, black, revealing bottomless stubbornness and despair.I looked away almost at the same time - it reminded me of something bad, a huge insecurity.

I rarely feel insecure. I have only seen such a terrifying expression on one person's face.

The boyfriend mentioned that his mother had a "bad temper", but I didn't pursue it further, and the boyfriend didn't go any further, but very occasionally, when he came back from a certain vacation at home, He would hug me and sigh, and whisper what to do with Xiaojin, I love her and hate her.

But soon he backtracked, saying, "No, I don't think I love her."

"But she's your mother." I said confusedly, shifting most of his weight, "Aren't you a dead end? How can anyone not love their mother?"

The incomprehension prevailed, and I couldn't empathize with him immediately. I never had the idea of ​​"hate" towards my family members. Every minute, one side always bows its head first, either because of my guilt or embarrassment, or because my parents don't care about the past.

"What happened?" I asked.

The boyfriend's chin resting on my shoulder moved, and I quietly let him hug me for a while, watching the wall clock go slowly.

"Would you like some tea?" I said, "I just bought Pang Hai, and your voice sounds so hoarse."

"No." I just wanted to move him away, but he acted in a hurry, his arms were so tight, it was a drowning man's strength, "No, hug for a while, okay?"

An irresistible plea, I kissed his ear and said yes.

"Xiao Jin, come home with me during the Chinese New Year this year." He said.

"Okay." I said without hesitation, but when I readily agreed, my boyfriend hesitated, saying that he and his mother mentioned me, but did not mention our relationship.

"For their generation, it will definitely take time to accept this kind of thing. Let's do it step by step. Just say that I am your friend. I accidentally missed the Spring Festival train. I have nowhere to go for the time being." It's done, I don't want to make it difficult for him.

My boyfriend nodded like a child and said thank you.

"Thank you?" I couldn't figure it out.

"You can understand me." He paused, "I'm so happy."

He spoke as if I had given him some great gift, and as if he had never felt "happy". I rubbed the back of his head distressedly and said that I should be the one thanking you.

So on the evening of the fourth day of the Lunar New Year, I dragged my luggage and moved into my "in-law's house" with "annoyance and gratitude". My boyfriend is from a divorced family and was brought up by his mother, so there were only the three of us at dinner. He looks like his mother, especially the soft but contoured jaw, like a certain kind of finely carved white jade, moist and beautiful-but if you wear it in winter, you will hesitate for a while, because you always feel it Chills from the inside out.

The dishes were cooked by his mother, and they chatted a few words during the meal. The aunt looked warm and sincere, but her smile didn't reach her eyes. One of the three lights in the restaurant was broken, and everyone agreed not to mention it. After dinner, my aunt put down the bowls and chopsticks, and calmly asked me where to sleep.

"Mom, he sleeps in my room." My boyfriend said.

"Oh...sleeping in your room, where do you sleep?" His mother then asked herself, her voice was thin and high, and she couldn't tell whether it was a statement or a sarcasm, "there are only two rooms in the house, and he sleeps in your room." , you are going to sleep in my room, so I sleep on the sofa..."

I was startled, stopped chewing, and looked at my boyfriend anxiously.

His mother's way of thinking is too strange.

"What I mean is." The boyfriend lowered his head and took the food, "Xiao Jin shares a room with me."

"Same room with you..." Auntie nodded her chin thoughtfully, "Oh."

I rehearsed the process many times with my boyfriend in advance. After dinner, I took the initiative to wash the dishes and clear the table. Then I accompanied my aunt to stare at the LCD TV in the living room that was about to fall apart. The body of the sofa extended from the cushion. Guihen, the orientation of this house is good, but I thought of the word "Feng Shui" for no reason.

There seems to be something wrong here... and I can't find a way to fix it.

Before going to bed, I waited for my boyfriend who had finished washing, and he closed the door, then stopped and thought for a while, squatted down, took a breath, and locked the door very slowly like a bomb disposal team, I almost There is no rattling of the lock.

After turning off the light, he took me into his arms, "Sorry, she has a weird temper."

Perhaps "neurotic" would be more appropriate, I thought silently.

"I feel it." I whispered. "Is she always like this?"

"Yeah." My boyfriend played with my hair, "It's not too bad."

"What about bad times?"

The boyfriend was quiet for a moment, and said, "Xiao Jin, do you know that I actually envy you very much, and I also envy... other people. It's not because my parents divorced since childhood, but because, I envy you for being able to do what you want learning to draw, to play the clarinet, to play the guitar..."

"Huh? You mean the kind of hobby class you had when you were young, right?"

"Yes, I know that it was not easy for my mother to bring me up, but these years... I have not had an easy time. She always said that I am her everything. I have to study hard and get into the final exam. A good school requires a decent, profitable and respectable job. I didn’t take any interest classes when I was a child. She said no, she had no money, and then turned around and spent all her savings to enroll me in mathematics and physics competition training. , tell me how good she is to me."

Too concerned about the volume, my boyfriend spoke like he was panting, the space covered by the quilt was hot and humid, he paused for a long time, and continued.

"Xiao Jin, my grades were good when I was in school, but I wasn't smart enough to compete with thousands of smart people across the country for a few seats. On weekends where I kept spinning around every moment and was crushed by more smart people, Feeling ... overwhelmed."

"I'm not happy, Xiao Jin. I forced myself to fulfill all her expectations. I became a thing for her to show off to her relatives when she was happy, and belittle her at will when she was unhappy. I didn't know until later that I wanted to shout and vent. , this feeling is called pain.”

I found that I seemed to be just beginning to really understand him, the different him, hiding in the dark side.

"You're not the one to hit and scold... you can find a time to communicate with your mother." I said, "tell her what you think."

"I can only listen to her." My boyfriend hugged me tightly and murmured, "I tried... I tried, I have a hunch what her answer will be, what the ending will be, but I Still have the courage."

"What did she say?"

"I will always remember her expression." My boyfriend shuddered as he hugged my body, "When she pursed her lips and held her head up high to reject me, I really resisted that picture full of desire to control." face, my mother's eyes, nose and lips, the bag and shoes on her back, all made me—”

"disgust."

God, I opened my mouth slightly, I couldn't see my boyfriend's expression in the night.

I reached out to touch his face, but he turned his head away, "Xiao Jin, I still remember that I passed a residential building wall with her, white bricks, black seams, thin and narrow, you know What did I want to do?"

"I want to bang my head on it."

"..."

"Don't think so," I said softly, "Don't hurt yourself."

"...I'm lying to you, I didn't think so." He paused, "Just as long as you've heard about trivial things."

I felt uneasy, "You haven't told me what will happen to her when she is at her worst?"

Several rounds of deep breaths.

"Xie, Si, Di, Li." He paused word by word.

At the same time, the door of another room was slammed open, and the footsteps were getting closer and closer. There was no knock on the door, and the handle made a twisting sound, but her boyfriend locked it, and she failed to open the door. It looked gloomy, "Baby...how do you lock the door?"

I held my breath and my heart was pounding.

"Mom..." My boyfriend let go of me and begged with a tense voice, "Just for one night, Xiao Jin is a guest."

"Then open the door too! Why lock the door? Who are you guarding against? What are you doing? Ah?" Her emotions suddenly became agitated, bursting like cold water rolling into a frying pan, "Open the door, open the door!"

"Open the door!!!"

My stomach suddenly tightened, and the sharp high-pitched voice brought discomfort and panic. My boyfriend whispered sorry in my ear, a white light flashed, and the light was turned on. He stood in front of the bed without moving, and I could see clearly The surging rebellion and two tear stains on that face.

thump-thump-

The cold air suddenly permeated my whole body, and my aunt was knocking on the door, but the sound was not with her knuckles, nor was she kicking the door—she was banging her head on the door.

"Beast! Beast embryo!"

Before the boyfriend reached the door, there was another heavy muffled sound, accompanied by a female voice screaming, "Open the door!!!"

"Open the door!"

Footsteps came and went, and then there was the sound of a screwdriver twisting. She removed the door lock too quickly, the screwdriver fell, and she slammed her head against the door again, like a self-destructive threat——

"Open the door!!"

"Shen Xu!!!"