winter suicide plan

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My eyes were hurt by the white light, I turned my body slightly, and my skin was dry and rubbed against the quilt. I subconsciously closed my eyes and touched the place next to me, but I didn't touch anyone.I opened my eyes suddenly, got up, got out of bed wrapped in a quilt, and ran out of the living room. Next to the bedroom is the simple kitchen on the left and the bathroom attached.The bear-patterned cloth curtain separated the living room and the kitchen. I lifted the curtain and hugged Tang Fengxing. He paused for a while with his hand scratching the pot and said, "Good morning, Chen Shuning."

I rubbed against his neck, the quilt on my body fell off, and the cold suddenly hit my body, and I shivered.He turned to look at me and wrapped me in a quilt: "I haven't left, and I won't leave, go and get dressed." I wrapped my arms around his neck and didn't let go, my heart was empty, I didn't speak, just looked at him.He turned off the fire and carried me back to bed.

The clothes were dirty yesterday, they were thrown into the washing machine and haven’t been washed, there are no extra clothes here, so he had to take my sweater from yesterday and put it on me directly, and I took it off again, he said "tsk" in displeasure: "If you don't wear it, you will have a fever again. If you feel uncomfortable, I don't care about you." I pointed to his sweater, and then pointed to me.

"Want to wear mine?"

I nodded.

He shook his head helplessly, and changed his sweater. After finishing with Tang Fengxing last night, he couldn't see his body at all. When I took off the sweater and stretched it, I could see the smooth and beautiful lines from the waist, and the well-proportioned muscles. Stretching out his hand to touch it, his hand was cold, and he shivered.He grabbed my hand and immediately put on a sweater for me: "It's too cold, go back and get some clothes after eating, wear more, is it a good thing to have a constant fever?"

I nodded, put on my pants, and I became unhappy again, Tang Fengxing rubbed my hair: "What's the matter, don't talk and don't wear clothes."

I pointed to my throat, then to my tongue, and then to my back, and said hoarsely: "It hurts."

Tang Fengxing touched the back of his head, his ears turned red and said, "Sorry, it was my problem last night."

"I'm talking, but you can't hear me." I tried to shorten my words as much as possible, accusing him of his unscrupulous behavior last night, the person who had sex without communication, and who only wanted to stab my ass.Anyway, he couldn't hear me when I spoke, so he just stopped talking.

He hugged me tightly: "Chen Shuning, I won't do it next time, I promise. I was unconscious yesterday."

Medication was applied at the end, and I reluctantly accepted to put my pants on.After the noodles were served, I picked up the chopsticks and ate a few mouthfuls. I found that there was no taste at all. I looked at Tang Fengxing's bowl, which was full of red oil. I looked at my noodles with clear soup and little water, and thought about it. The pain in the buttocks, without a hit, took a few mouthfuls resignedly, and then stopped.

Tang Fengxing continued to make my leftovers and packed the trash cans, and ate them all.He tied a milk bag for me and asked me to drink it, but I couldn't hold it firmly when I took it, and all the milk spilled on the ground.I felt like I had been slapped, and my face was burning with pain.I looked at the white milk flowing on the ground.Tang Fengxing quickly picked it up without saying anything.

I got off the table, as if to make up for my mistake, I grabbed the bowl and washed it.But I didn't catch the bowl with the washing cloth, and let go of it unconsciously with trembling hands. The bowl quickly shattered into the sink, ending my life.

I look at the debris in the sink, the second slap I get.

I reached in and touched the pieces, wondering what the hell I could do?

When Tang Fengxing heard the noise, he called me, and pulled me aside, who was so stupid, to check that my hands were fine, and then went to clean up the debris.

I hid in the room and lay motionless on the bed.He rubbed my face with the back of his hand: "Are you uncomfortable?"

I shook my head and looked at him dumbly: "I don't know, I'm uncomfortable and tired, I'm so useless."

I was drained of vitality and lay stiff and weak. Besides yesterday's overindulgence, the other reason was that I went from the dry period to the depressed period.He touched my face and told me to take the medicine. I looked at the medicine in his palm and didn't move.

"I do not want to eat."

"It won't be good if you don't eat it."

"Whatever." I looked up to see the change in his expression.

He didn't continue to force me to take the medicine, but lay down with me, facing me, and touched my face: "Did you break the bowl because you spilled the milk?"

"Yeah." I looked at him, and he looked at the ceiling and thought for a while.

"Why do you want to wash the dishes all of a sudden?"

"Milk spilled."

"What does this have to do with washing the dishes?"

"Make up for the mistake, but create another mistake." I covered my eyes, and the sadness started to twitch.

"Sorry, I did something wrong again."

"It's hard for you to make breakfast, but I want you to clean up the mess. I'm so useless, I can't find any other way to make it up."

He pulled my hand away: "Chen Shuning, your thinking is wrong, you don't need to make up for me, and you don't need to make up for what you think is wrong, this can only be called a mistake, just a small episode in life. Throw away the milk If the bowl is broken, clean it up."

"But you do so many things for me, and I can't do a single thing well for you. Isn't I worthless? Such a hobby is heavy and unequal." Tears rolled down the corners of my eyes and slipped into the bed sheet .

He held me in his arms, and I was wearing his sweater.When I first came, I was depressed and my chest was breathless. The moment I didn't see Tang Fengxing, I really thought he left. Last night was just a dream, and there was no such person as Tang Fengxing by my side.

I want to change clothes with him, so that I can smell the slight sandalwood in the clothes, and I know that all this is not a dream, he exists, and there are people who love me.I messed up my hair on purpose, and asked him to flick back the curled hair for me, in exchange for his tenderness and love in his eyes looking at me with ulterior motives.

I'm just not enough to fill the fear and the void

I'm afraid that I won't be able to keep him, I can't do anything, I can't go to an internship, and I have to spend money on medicine. If there is no equivalent value, Tang Fengxing will leave.The more I thought about it, the more I felt uncomfortable. I leaned against his chest, and I started to cry.

He stroked my back: "Chen Shuning, stop thinking about it. I have never felt that there is no equality, value or value. If so, you come and go in exchange, it's not like the love you said relationship, but a commodity exchange relationship. The love between us is not a commodity in a shop window, is it understandable?"

"The person I like doesn't have to do anything, just stand there, and I will like it very much. Aning, I will not leave or disappear, so don't be afraid."

I almost cried, soothed, sniffed: "Really?"

"Really. Don't think about it. You said that if you want to live for me, you must keep your promise."

I nodded, saw the clothes on his body stained with my snot, touched it and said: "Yes..." Before I said "I'm sorry", he kissed my lips and said: "In the future Kiss me if you want to say 'thank you' or 'sorry', I prefer that."

I piously and solemnly kissed him on the cheek and agreed to his request.I couldn't get up because my waist was sore and my legs were weak. He put his arms around my head, and he asked me to put my arms around his neck. I put it in my arms and put it in my hand: "Eat it, you will be happier. Let's go buy some furniture later and come back."

I swallowed the medicine, and he asked me to open my mouth and lift up my tongue, and I said dissatisfiedly, "I really took it, don't believe me."

"The doctor said that you would vomit if you ate it before. I have a criminal record, so I have to be careful."

He touched my face, rubbed my hair, brushed the hair off my forehead, and kissed my forehead with some force: "Hey boy, put on your shoes, get ready to go, and show you my driving skills."

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Chen Shuning's perspective