winter suicide plan

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"Who?"

"Where is who?" My voice echoed in the dark and silent space, only the sound of me stepping on the floor, the cold air stimulated my skin, and goosebumps formed together.

The eyes gradually brightened—the classroom.

It was my former junior high school classroom. There was a shout outside, and a group of people with blurred faces broke in. The class teacher and classmates in the classroom all backed away, filling the dark corners, and I was pushed out in the next second.

My neck was caught in an instant, and everyone disappeared. The faceless man pressed against my head, exuding a cold breath, Bai Huanghuang stuck the knife on my neck, and then scratched my face twice. , The smell of blood lingers around the tip of my nose, dripping to the floor little by little.

Suddenly, I opened my eyes, and there was a dark white wall in front of me. The white corridor light passed through the door frame, and a streaked road was reflected on the white wall, as if blood was flowing down from the ceiling. I stretched out my finger and touched it. Touch the shadow above.

My whole body was cold, as if I was still in a dream, and I couldn't tell the difference. I was wrapped tightly in the quilt, but the cold was still piercing. I was frozen stiff, unable to move, my chest felt tight, and I wanted to vomit.

At 3:50, the sky outside was still dark and silent, terrifyingly dark, and the shadow on the wall seemed to gradually expand, swallowing up the remaining white, and the metallic smell of blood still filled my nose.

The food has reached my lungs, the smell of noodles is greasy, my stomach is churning, and the residue seems to be clogged in my throat. If I speak, it will be like a fountain about to burst out of the ground.

I wanted to shout, but I was so blocked that I couldn't vomit on the bed, I thought it was dirty.

Limbs were stiff and cold, I seemed to be a corpse, only my consciousness survived, I moved my fingers, picked up the mobile phone Tang Fengxing gave me, and typed out two words with difficulty - help me.

I don't know that the first thing that comes to mind at this moment is Tang Fengxing. Who will hear the sound of mobile phone messages at nearly four o'clock in the morning.

I covered my mouth with my hands, it was useless to counteract the feeling of vomiting, I began to bite my fingers with my teeth, the bones bit the teeth in my mouth, my canine teeth dug into the skin, the pain replaced the discomfort, but the body Still can't move.

The door was pushed open, and the lights were turned on instantly, lighting up the whole dormitory. My quilt was lifted, and my body became colder. The dormitory became noisy, with shouts and inquiries. They are going to class, and some people have an exam tomorrow. All the sounds are like the noise on the radio, sparse.

I was pushed up, pulled my leg to the stairs, he clamped my waist, and carried me down.

I tightly covered my mouth, but it didn't help, my throat was opened, and the residue leaked out from between my fingers, and fell onto the black down clothes, which was extremely dirty and had a disgusting smell.Vomiting caused tears to flow out physiologically. I felt tears dripping down, tears flowing, and all the sticky liquid wrapped my face.I was gently put down and sat down, Tang Fengxing helped me, there was a toilet in front of me, I climbed the wall, round after round, tears gathered and dripped from the nose, convulsions all over, getting colder every time, stomach There were bursts of stinging pain.

My eyes were shaking violently, and the dim bathroom light was above my head, like a video recorder, recording everything about my body losing control, and I was gasping for breath.Tang Fengxing was calling me: "Chen Shuning, how do you feel now?"

He seems to have my filth on his hands, it's noisy outside, I woke everyone up, everyone because I didn't have a good sleep, everyone tomorrow because I'm not in the mood.

I curled up my fingers and clenched them into a fist. I was so cold all over, and there was still saliva around my mouth. How disgusting it was, I hated myself so much.

I dug the palm of my hand with my nails, tears flowed all over my face, and there were countless pairs of eyes staring at me from behind, all asking me if I was okay, but I didn't feel better, instead it filled my heart with more sadness.

You shouldn't care about me. I'm the one who woke you up. You don't have the obligation to take care of me like this. If you are scolded, I feel better.

I want to push away the hand that has been holding me, I cover my eyes with my palm, and my hand becomes wet, I tremble and say: "Don't look at me, don't look at me, please don't look at me OK?"

I prayed secretly, hoping that all this was a dream, that none of this was real, that I was not sick, and that it wasn't because of the side effects of taking medicine that I became like this.

"Can you let me die?" The voice was as thin as a mosquito, only Tang Fengxing could hear it.

Shame, powerlessness, and guilt swept over me, I cried until my eyes turned black, gasped for breath, sobbed unbearably, dizzy and had a headache, and with the stars shining in front of me, I lay down in a warm embrace.

Tang Fengxing whispered in his ear that it's okay, don't blame yourself, you are not wrong, don't blame yourself, it's not what you want to do, don't blame yourself.

He stroked my soft hair and said in a soft voice, boy, don't think about it, go to sleep when you are tired, and leave it to me to deal with it.

I gradually calmed down. When I was carried, my brain consciousness survived, the sense of touch was still there, and my eyes were too tired to open.

"Let him change the bed with me to sleep first, in case he vomits again, it's not easy to get down."

My face was supported by someone, Tang Fengxing wiped my face with a towel, wiped my hands, and changed my dirty clothes, I shivered from the cold.He gave me water and told me to rinse my mouth to clean my mouth.

"What's wrong with Chen Shuning, did you eat something bad?"

"What did you eat? You vomit like this. Do you want to go to the teacher?"

"He seems to be still crying, it seems quite uncomfortable."

"He vomited several times back and forth, which is not uncomfortable."

"He's still hurting his arms and feet."

"Why don't you ask the teacher to take him to the hospital."

Tang Fengxing wiped my face and said, "Everyone go to bed, he's fine, thank you all. I'll turn off the lights later."

Everyone should be very sleepy. In winter, no one wants to leave the bed, and no one wants to worry about this matter. Just a few words of concern is enough when the obligation is over.What's more, there is a person here who is willing to sacrifice sleep to take care of him, of course he doesn't take credit.

The chattering voice gradually quieted down, and the sound of tinnitus filled my ears. I frowned. Tang Fengxing wiped my eyebrows with a towel, patted the quilt on my chest, stuffed a hot water bottle in and said good Boy, don't cry.If you cry again, your eyes will be so swollen that you won't be able to open them tomorrow.

There was a sticky darkness in front of my eyes. I grabbed his clothes, opened and closed my mouth, and he moved his ears closer to listen.

I said someone was going to kill me.

He said no one was going to kill me.

I said yes.A faceless person cut my face with a knife, and there was a lot of blood.

He said it was a dream, and the person in the dream must have been jealous of my handsome face, and it was the fault of my beauty.Next time, he will beat him away.

I asked him if he could sleep with me.

He never answered me and I asked again.

He said no, because he was afraid it would crush my leg.

I asked him to sleep with me again and again. I said I was afraid of having that dream again, and no one would beat that faceless man away for me.

He smoothed my hair and turned off the light.In the darkness, I felt the warmth and warmth. His arms were pressed against the wall. He stroked my hair, patted my back, like treating a baby, stroked my back and said, good boy, go to sleep. .

I stretched out my hand, wanting to grab something, he grabbed my swinging hand, he asked me what I wanted, I said I wanted to touch my earlobe.He guided my hand and asked me to touch his ear. I found his earlobe along the ear bone, and started to rub it, rolling my tongue against the palate. The depression, panic, anxiety, and panic in my heart were instantly eliminated.

I whispered that you can't go, I can't beat that person.

He said that if he didn't leave, he would always be here, and if that person came, he would be beaten away.

I took a reassurance pill, the warmth of the crowd made me no longer have that absurd dream.

When I woke up, it seemed as if I had slept for a century. Through the window, I saw the slightly brighter dawn outside. I was able to open my eyes soberly. My limbs were still stiff and unable to move, but the bed was very warm.Tang Fengxing was still sleeping next to me, with messy hair, almost face to face, a comfortable sleeping face right in front of my eyes.

I breathed a sigh of relief, the turmoil just now became a piece of my shameful memory, I still remember what happened in the early morning, begging for nothing to keep someone to sleep with me, it is really shameful that my face is hot, this bed It was barely enough to sleep two people, Tang Fengxing could only sleep on his side.

He grabbed my injured hand and fixed it on his chest, and my leg pressed against his.

I secretly kissed his face from the side, he reacted, scratched his face, and continued to sleep without opening his eyes.

It was noisy in the early morning, and the early risers didn't get up again, and everyone didn't wake up.When I woke up again, I was the only one left in the dormitory.Tang Fengxing sent me a message.

Tang Fengxing: Go to class.

Tang Fengxing: What are today's indicators?

Tang Fengxing: Call me if you have something to do, don't think about it.

Tang Fengxing: [Picture]

It is the morning glow, the sky is filled with golden splendor, and fish-like clouds float.

I thought it was because the medicine was re-prescribed, but I didn't get used to it, and my forearm was numb, so I sent him a "-4" message.He didn't answer me, I think he should still be in class, I missed another class, and the first semester of my senior year is almost over, defense, thesis and other things are not tense yet, just thinking about it gives me a headache.

The body can't move, and it's icy cold, almost frozen, only the thoughts are constantly changing.But I really want to see Tang Fengxing, and I want to send him his voice.

Me: Not very comfortable.

Me: I drink tomato soup.

I am so hungry.

Me: I haven’t written my dissertation yet, I haven’t prepared for my defense, I haven’t gone to class, I haven’t memorized the book, and I haven’t written any questions. Will my credits become very low?

Me: Will I not be able to graduate?Will the graduation certificate not be issued to me?

Me: I'm so uncomfortable, can you come and accompany me?

Me: I can't move my body now, and my fingers are shaking when typing.

Me: I'm kind of at -5 now.

Me: Do you think I am hypocritical, I think I am so contrived.

Me: Actually, it’s still sad and a little bit okay.It seems that death doesn't matter anymore.

Me: When will you return my manual?

For the first time, I candidly say so many things, as long as I think about it, I want to say it.

I was jumping and talking all kinds of words, and when he wasn't by my side, I always felt like a big room in my heart, with a big vacant space. I used all kinds of furniture to arrange and mend it, but I could never fill it up enough.

I really want to hear him talk.

I heard the sound of the door opening, and Tang Fengxing came in with a plastic bowl. He helped me up, wiped my tears, and didn't speak.

My eyes were swollen from crying, and I could only half-open them, but couldn't open them fully.

He fed me hot water, helped me up, squeezed toothpaste for me, and asked me to brush my teeth.

My waist and back were out of my control, and I couldn’t bend. Toothpaste got on the zipper of my coat. He wiped it off with a tissue and forced me to bend over.

In the end, I wiped my mouth with a tissue and rubbed my face with a towel, which made me exert a lot of strength. He didn't say a word, and I was a little dizzy and still babbling.

"Did you buy tomato soup?"

"I smell tomatoes."

"You don't even answer my questions."

"Is it cold outside?"

"Your hands are so cold."

"Why do not you speak?"

"I want to hear you talk."

I was very disturbed. He pursed his lips and refused to speak. He didn't say a word until he hugged me to the bed.I grabbed the collar of his coat on his chest, which still had the white mark of the filth I left on it yesterday, and I buttoned it with my hands.

He pulled my hand away, opened the plastic bowl, and the sweet and sour soup wafted out. He grabbed the plastic bowl and fed me the soup with a plastic spoon.I didn't speak, and he didn't speak until he was in front of me. He sullenly, sighed, put the soup down, and I asked him why he didn't speak.

He said he was not happy.

I asked him, why not happy?

He looked up at me and said, because I always talk about "death".

I opened my mouth, but he tilted his head and stopped talking, falling into a heavy atmosphere.I don't like him pursing his lips and pulling his face. He shouldn't accept all my bad emotions and be my emotional trash can.

I think he should be very happy today and send me photos, but I seem to have broken his mood.

"Tang Fengxing, I'm so hungry, I want some soup."

"You just fed you and you didn't drink." His voice was cold, and his voice suddenly became a little louder.

I was startled by his voice and knew he was angry.

I grabbed the quilt, crumpled and bowed my head and began to cry blindly: "What are you doing so fiercely...you can die if you keep quiet..."

"Chen Shuning, if you want to drink soup and ask me to feed you, when you make a request, don't always talk about 'death', can you?" Seeing me crying, Tang Fengxing was immediately defeated, Sit by my bed and tell me about it seriously.

"It doesn't matter to you, but to me. Your life was saved by me from freezing to death that night. You don't cherish it, but can I cherish it? You don't feel bad, I feel bad, you make me feel sad too, So don't say this word, can you?" Tang Fengxing turned his back to me, I didn't know his emotion, but I heard his throat choked up.

I put my head on his back and said, "I see, then you can't yell at me so loudly, and you can't keep talking, it scares me too."

Before turning around, he secretly wiped away the tears from the corners of his eyes, hugged me, and stroked the hair on the back of my head, boy, you are the best, don't scare me all the time, can you?I promise to keep my voice down next time, so you have to promise me that you won't say it again, right?

My temper is no different from that of a three-year-old child. He is either crying or playing temper. He will always be like coaxing a child when I am like this. Later, I feel a little ashamed.

I could feel the steady scent of sandalwood perfume in his down jacket, I took a deep breath and said that I promise not to say anything.

He let me go and fed me soup.

The door of the dormitory was suddenly kicked open with a "snap!", and a girl with long black hair and a high ponytail pushed the door open and shouted, "Tang Fengxing, come out!"

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Chen Shuning's perspective