winter suicide plan

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Every time in the state of not waking up.After taking the medicine, my whole body felt weak, and it was difficult to move my fingers, no different from an invertebrate.When the sun was shining at noon, someone pulled the curtains for me, and helped me to feed me water. I was a little unskilled, but they were trying to let me drink it slowly.

Feed me porridge, I suffered without appetite. After a while, I felt nauseous after taking the medicine. The porridge came out of my stomach. The stink was on the comforter.He didn't say anything either.I grabbed his hand and said in a daze, "I'm sorry." He patted my back and wiped my mouth: "It's okay, no need to apologize." After speaking, he washed his hands and went to get a new quilt and came back.

This is the first time I was taken care of by someone when I was sick. He comforted me in a low voice, and I realized that I was crying.I grabbed his hand, I didn't want to let go, I was insecure all over my body, I wanted to make up for it with the warmth of my palm.

I put his hand on my face and I said I was so sick.He said he knew that I was holding his hand tightly, no matter who it was, I wanted someone to hold it for me, like a life-saving straw for drowning, and I was more seeking to add a sense of security.

After a deep sleep, I heard small breath sounds in a daze, passing into my ears, and when I opened my eyes, there was a halo in front of my eyes, and the velvety blood orange sunset radiated from the window, spreading to every corner.

For the first time, I didn't have any nightmares, and I didn't have those distorted, disturbing, plausible dreams, which made me sleep more or less comfortably.

But I don't remember that person's face, I haven't opened my eyes, and the voice is also hazy and filtered, and I can't hear it clearly.

Mostly it also has the effect of drugs, and I can't lift my head anymore. When I listen to people talking, I have to read both sides carefully in my mouth to understand what they are saying.

There were a few people standing in front of the window, some of which were reflective, so I couldn't see their faces clearly.

They approached, Zhou Ming sat on my hospital bed, pinched my face and said: "Yo, Chen Shuning woke up, why did he have a drink, and just lay here. If I had known, I would take you back with me, and I would not sleep after drinking." What kind of walk?"

I smiled slightly, it seems that Tang Fengxing didn't tell them about my madness that day.

Li Jingyuan wears black square-framed glasses the thickness of a beer bottle. His hair is thin and sparse, with a thin layer covering his head, and there are some pimples on his face.He patted Zhou Ming's hand and said: "Chen Shuning just woke up, you should let him have a good rest, curb your habit of pinching people's faces, and let him bully patients."

I said "hmm" in agreement.Zhou Ming stopped tossing my face, pinched Li Jingyuan's face and said, "This is not bullying, this is my father's love, let me care for you." Smiling, he rubbed his few hair .I touched my blushed face with my unbroken hand.Seeing Tang Fengxing standing behind them, he took out the porridge in a plastic box and put the plastic bag on the bedside table.

He asked me, "How do you feel?"

I said: "It's okay."

He asked me, "Are you hungry?"

I said, "Not hungry."

This kind of lackluster conversation lasted for two days. Tang Fengxing nodded and said, if you are hungry, you can eat a little. If it is cold, I will let the nurse heat it up.

Wu Huawen smiled treacherously, bumped Tang Fengxing's arm and said, "Ah Feng, Dianjie (Cantonese) I didn't see you taking care of me like this when I broke my leg last time. I waited in line for half an hour in the cafeteria and just bought a bowl Porridge?"

Tang Fengxing pushed him away: "Didn't you break your crotch when you were playing skateboarding that time? Your girlfriend coaxed you with delicious food and drink, and I need to get involved? It's good that our dormitory didn't kick you out .”

Li Jingyuan escaped from Zhou Ming's clutches and asked: "The crotch was stuck that time, how is your little brother now?"

Wu Huawen didn't expect Tang Fengxing to turn the topic to him, and immediately protected his lower body: "What are you looking at, rolling, it's very good."

Zhao Jun's chicken nest head came over to my foot, touched the plastered foot, tapped it and exhaled in surprise: "Chen Shuning, you can still hear it."

What kind of treasure is this here? I haven’t experienced the effect of the medicine, and I don’t have the energy to gag with them. Tang Fengxing gently pulled Zhao Jun away and said, “Okay, look at Chen Shuning’s appearance, he can’t speak, and he’s still making trouble here.” It’s so hard. I’m so tired, you’ve seen this before, so let’s go.”

Zhao Jun patted my feet and said, "Brother, take care of yourself and see you later."

I whispered, "It's okay, I'll be discharged from the hospital tomorrow."

Zhou Ming was surprised and said, "Why are you so anxious, you have been hurt for a hundred days, you haven't heard of it?"

Tang Fengxing frowned and did not speak.I went on to say that hospitalization is expensive, and I am a poor student, where can I get the money.

Zhou Ming took a breath and said, "Chen Shuning, look at your pale face, you want to be discharged from the hospital, but this hospital won't let you."

"I was kicked out without money."

Zhao Jun stood by the bedside and asked, "Didn't you buy the insurance that the school recommended before? Isn't it reimbursed?"

I shook my head and said, "I didn't buy it."

"I didn't buy it. It turns out that the monitor said last time that only one person didn't buy it, that is, you didn't buy it alone? Regret it or not, save that little money, now you know that medical expenses are expensive."

I thought to myself: I also thought that I could survive this suicide.

I don't want to talk, the heater in the room is fully turned on, and my head is sweating a little due to stuffiness.Zhou Ming asked: "Why didn't you call your parents or something. Look at you, you fell like this, and you don't tell them, don't keep trying to keep them from worrying. Worrying is You should be a parent. Besides, and you are their child, they can still afford the medical expenses. Don't be stubborn, if this gets to the root of the disease, you will become lame in the future."

Zhao Jun: "Bah, bah, bah, Brother Zhou, can you wish Chen Shuning well."

"Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I made a mistake."

What is a parent?

What kind of parent are they talking about?

Have I ever had parents?

Did it ever count?

How can I find my parents when I grow up?

call?

But I don't have any contact information for any of them.

I've always been just me.

When I heard the word "parents", it was like a fish tearing off its scales, and it hurt my body.After finally suppressing the dormant violence in his emotions, suddenly, anger exploded from his heart, like hot water boiling.

"No, I'm fine." I managed to squeeze out this sentence, pretending to be good for so long, I didn't want to lose control in a moment and be discovered.

I squeezed the palms of my hands, and there was an invisible anger that wanted to drive away everyone. Tang Fengxing saw that my breathing was rapid, he squeezed his shoulders and said: "Okay, okay, you didn't eat after class, aren't you hungry? Let Chen Shuning Rest, we don't need to worry about it, let's go."

Tang Fengxing pushed the crowd out, I nervously bit my finger, the back of my hand, insisted on biting the blood mark, a smell of blood came, but I felt the joy of being controlled, only to destroy my body Only then did the pleasure continue to suppress the irritable emotions.

The mania in my heart that cannot be counteracted by words or any actions, I seem to have switched from normal to out of control, my chest is tight, and there is a foreign object in my throat.

The afterglow of the sunset disappeared without a trace, and the remaining wards were dark, with a little light coming from outside.I was breathing heavily and felt very bad, the invisible weight on my shoulders.I grabbed the cold pole next to the hospital bed and wanted to scream.

My hands trembled uncontrollably, fingernails dug into the bed, I opened my mouth and bit my arm, broken memories kept popping up in my mind.

I don't even know what I'm doing at this moment, my eyes are blank, like a white curtain.

The door opened, but I didn't know it, Tang Fengxing grabbed my arm, patted my back, trying to separate my teeth from my arm: "Chen Shuning, let go, don't bite. Let go, yes, don't bite Let go, Chen Shuning."

The whiteness in front of my eyes disappeared, and there was a bloody smell that was too strong to dissipate in my mouth.I let go after realizing it. There were rows of blood-red tooth marks on my arm, and the blood dripped onto the white quilt. Every bit of it was laughing at me ferociously, reminding me that normal things only take a few minutes. , The next second I am in extreme day or night, becoming an uncontrollable beast that is uncontrollable.

Tang Fengxing patted me on the back lightly and said, "Don't be afraid, it's okay. Tell me if you feel uncomfortable, and tell me if you are uncomfortable."

As if I had found a vent, a sharp pain had been dug out of my heart, and I screamed, "I won't come! I won't come! I won't come!"

"What won't come?"

I ignored him, and kept repeating my loud and strange yelling and screaming: "Stop it! Stop it, please. They don't want me anymore, they don't want me anymore. I let They let them down, I let them down. I'm useless, they don't want it. Why, why, it's my fault, I'm wrong, I'm sorry for them, I shouldn't be in this world, I'm wrong, I'm wrong ...Let me die, don't keep me...Let me go..."

Tang Fengxing hugged me tightly to prevent me from breaking my arm by struggling.He put his forehead against my head and said softly: "No one wants you, and there is nothing wrong with you. You didn't do anything wrong. No, Chen Shuning. You did a good job. You won a scholarship and represented the school in the debate competition. You Do you remember that you won No.1, you are excellent, don't feel inferior, Chen Shuning."

"It's useless! It's all useless!" I screamed heart-piercingly, but I thought my voice was the same as usual, and my heart was beating violently in my chest.

"Useful, useful, Chen Shuning, listen to me, you can do what others can't, you have persisted for so long, even though you have bipolar disorder, whether it is life or study, you have done very well Okay, be good, be good, take a deep breath, don't belittle yourself, you are excellent, you are very good."

I heard his words clearly after knowing it, and I wanted to ask him how he knew about my illness.

Why can he find out!I obviously... obviously hid it very well, very good...

Tang Fengxing knew about my illness, and I wanted to break free from him, which was tantamount to exposing myself to him naked, shame and humiliation intertwined.But my strength was not enough to compete with him. I opened my mouth and bit his neck, biting hard, and if I bit deeper, the blood would be seen.

Tang Fengxing made a sound in pain, pulled my head away and said unhappy: "Chen Shuning, how can you bite anyone you see, be good, and I will knock out your tiger teeth later."

"Chen Shuning, it's not your fault that you're sick, don't feel wronged or ashamed. Take three deep breaths, breathing in and out in a rhythmic way, and if it stabilizes, I'll let go."

With tears all over my face, I followed suit, and the struggle stopped. He let go of his arms, clasped my head, and pressed it tightly against his forehead. Our hot breaths were intertwined, and his hands were strong and warm.

Seeing that I finally settled down, he breathed a sigh of relief, pointed to the tooth marks on my neck jokingly and said, "The puppy bit me, pay me for the medical expenses."

"Give me some medicine, thank you."

I calmed down a little, smiled and broke free from his palm, took a few deep breaths, and asked Tang Fengxing to bring me the bottle of vitamin C that I put in the dark compartment of my schoolbag. Of course, the medicine is not vitamin C, but alprazolam , a sedative.After I swallowed it, leaning against the hospital bed, Tang Fengxing handed me a tissue, I wiped my nose, exhausted all over, I looked at my clothes, there were still some water stains from vomiting at noon today.

It's the second day since I came here, and I haven't taken a shower yet, and I suddenly feel itchy all over my body, disgusted with being unclean, and disgusted.I eased my throat and said, "I want to take a bath."

Tang Fengxing touched the tooth marks on his neck, daubed it twice with the alcohol next to him, and watched me hang my arm and put a plaster on it.He asked me puzzled: "Can you wash yourself like this?"

I said disapprovingly: "Help me to the bathroom, I can wash myself, I have a sour smell all over my body, I can't stand it."

Tang Fengxing brought me two crutches, and I limped to the bathroom. There was a seat in the bathroom. Tang Fengxing placed me on it, and went to get me a change of clothes.I turned on the hot water switch, didn't hold the shower head, fell to the ground, water scattered everywhere, my hair, face, clothes were all wet, the water pipe twisted around under the guidance of water pressure, completely get wet.

I was flustered and indifferent, Tang Fengxing heard the sound, came over with his clothes in his arms, put them outside, saw me drenched in water, and felt like turning off the switch for me.

These are good, two people squeezed into a cramped bathroom, he stood in front of me and asked me: "What's going on?"

I watched my hair still dripping, and said nonchalantly, "I have no strength in my hand, it slipped off."

What he said was unreasonable, angry, and a little proud to show off.

Tang Fengxing stroked his hair, and said in a smooth manner: "Wash according to your method, your plaster will soak up, just wipe it off."

I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Then you wash it for me."

Tang Fengxing was as stiff as a stone sculpture in front of me. I saw him like this. It is not common for two men to take a bath in the dormitory, but Tang Fengxing's reaction was really weird.Mainly because I have scars all over my arms and have been in the bath with other people for a long time.Today I just came up with a suggestion, I smiled, raised my injured hand and said: "Then trouble, classmate Tang Fengxing, help me take a bath."

"Okay." Tang Fengxing knelt down and unbuttoned the wet hospital gown for me. He saw the tiny scars on my fair chest. He stared at it for a while, and I felt the air scalding hot unconsciously.But he paused obviously when he reached my trousers. There were two of us too many, but it was my suggestion anyway.

He pulled up his trousers and said, "Lift it up..." He searched for the right words in his mind, and finally said, "Lift your... hip."

I laughed out loud, and he laughed too. I did as he said, and showed my naked body in front of him. Was I so thick-skinned before? Is it okay to expose everything in front of others?

Without hesitation, he turned on the sprinkler, asked me to look up, and washed my hair first. The hot water vapor permeated the narrow bathroom, my eyes were hazy, the strength of rubbing my fingertips was just right, and the smell of low-quality sweet shampoo Diffuse, quiet, only the sound of foam being ravaged, and the sound of water falling to the ground.Like a qualified nurse, he wiped my hair nimbly, and then washed my body. Calluses on his fingers rubbed against my skin that hasn't been exposed to the sun for a long time. The touch of someone else's touch is really different.

With itchiness and caution, the sound of the shower gel sliding by was not the same, he rubbed against my chest, very close to the chest, and then to the neck, his nose was hot, I don't know if it was him or me.He told me to be careful with my arm, he tried not to touch it.But when he touched my arm, he saw countless scars, and I said disapprovingly: "Don't look, you will see through it."

"Does it not hurt?" Tang Fengxing washed me.

"It hurts, but it's better than the feeling of mania." It was the first time I told others about my illness. It was a bit strange. Tang Fengxing was the first to discover my illness.I'm even more suspicious now that he picked up my planning booklet, which contains my clipped reports.He wiped my upper body with a large white bath towel.Looking at my panties, he was indifferent, I took them off with one hand, there was no embarrassment in the first place, it's just a piece of sponge, what's the big deal.

"sorry to bother you."

"No trouble, just pay."

"Okay, give a price to a classmate."

"Row."

He took a small towel, covered my casted foot, grabbed my leg and began to wash it down, bending over, the water vapor was confused, and the white mist was billowing. I am myopic and I can't see the expression of his bowing his head.

The two of us agreed without talking, and he brought a new pair of underwear without saying a word.He wiped my hair with a big towel, covered my whole head and rubbed it, with a little more force, and when it touched my wound, I exhaled in pain: "It hurts, slow down."

He quickly let go of the towel: "Where does it hurt?" His hands and my face were separated by the towel, and he looked at my head from side to side, but I could feel the heat from the towel, and his heavy, hot breath, wet Hair hangs over my forehead.There was worry in his eyes, his hair was a little wet, and there was sweat all over his face.I looked down at his lower body and saw the bulge in his jeans.I couldn't help blurting out: "Tang Fengxing, you..."

In an instant, he covered his eyes with a towel, wrapped it tightly, and pressed it tightly. I muffled my voice, trying to understand something in my heart, and said through the towel: "You, want me to help you!" Is it?" He whispered, "Chen Shuning, stop talking..."

I can't help thinking that boys help each other with handjobs. Isn't this a common and uncommon thing?

I pulled his wrist away: "Why are you..."

I saw him look embarrassed, his eyes dodged, I looked at him squatting down and covering his face, the air was full of ambiguous and thick smells, he raised his head, met my eyes, his eyes were wet, and his face was unreasonably red , Immediately turn your head away and say: "Chen Shuning, don't hate me, don't think I'm disgusting." A tingling electric current passed through my heart, and I said in a strange way: "Tang Fengxing, look up and look at me."

We looked at each other again, the fog filled the air, the dim lights were halos, he fed me the porridge at noon, and he cleaned up the filth for me.

My whole body was also burning hot, and my heart was burning badly. My intuition made me understand Tang Fengxing's thoughts

I pinched his chin, clasped his head, and pulled me closer. I looked at his lips, and I felt an impulse in my heart. I lowered my head and kissed him.

He widened his always shining eyes, and his hands subconsciously held my head, and I rubbed his lips softly and gently.Tang Fengxing got very close, there was a calm and slight sandalwood on his body, he lightly licked my upper lip, I trembled with some itchiness, I tilted my head, he sucked my two lips, once One suck.The breathing became heavier, basically slapping my face, hot and sticky.

The next second I pushed him away, I panted and swallowed my saliva, my chest was more of a comforting behavior than the manic heartbeat, the beating was fierce, but the chest was not tight, and the pores were opened comfortably.

He gripped the window rail, panting on my shoulder, and I felt his Adam's apple rolling.I stabilized my voice, patted his head and said, "Tang Fengxing, you should go back first."

"Go back, if you want. Just go under my pillow and take all the things under it. If you don't want to, just take it back and don't come to me again.

"If you take it and leave the hospital later, you can go to the hospital with me again. It's not this hospital, it's the one I went to before."

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Chen Shuning's perspective