winter suicide plan

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I was lying on the hospital bed, and the porridge on the bedside table had changed from scalding to lukewarm.Tang Fengxing was carrying a black schoolbag and sat on the chair next to me.In the morning, the sky outside was still crow-blue, occasionally a black shadow crossed, and the trees were still shaking their dark green leaves with the wind in the unlit sky.

How early—I thought with my eyes closed.

Since I started taking medicine again last time, my mind has finally cleared up a little bit, and the extreme factors were controlled by the medicine, but after taking this medicine, I became dizzy, my brain stopped functioning and stagnated, but I unexpectedly entered a short period of normality from mania.

I'm not this crazy all year round. I used to be able to suppress the pain by covering up the mania and depression, but this year the effect of this practice has gradually weakened.

The extremes are at the two ends, with normal periods in between.In the normal period, I have the same emotions as ordinary people. This is the first two years, and the time can be maintained for about a week, or it can be longer.This is how I can still hide my mental instability from being discovered in the university.But now it's getting out of my control and it's hard to find a way to cope.

For the first time, suicide does not follow a plan, but an impulse.

Especially this year's winter is more difficult than previous winters.

In this way, I couldn't help but get a headache. It is easy to be found to be a suicide, which violates my original intention.And the lost notebook has not been found yet, but I have found the suspect.

That's right, the target of suspicion - Tang Fengxing.

Now that Tang Fengxing has spied on my secret, it may be a coincidence that he just happened to come to me.Although this is the reason I found for him, it is reasonable for everyone to be drunk, so how can anyone care about my absence.

But he was indeed the one who blocked my plan, and I didn't have any good looks for him, so I quickly thought about doing something to make him feel that I was hypocritical and artificial and annoying, so I couldn't bear it and left here quickly.

To save me from being seen by him when I get sick, it would be embarrassing.

Tang Fengxing is the only person who saw me falling ill twice, and it’s not that he didn’t want to kill him, and I committed suicide, but just thinking about it, I would die in love with Junichi Watanabe’s "Paradise Lost" Usually, I shiver, delete the thought, and throw it in the trash can of my mind.

In fact, I don’t feel manic right now. In the calm period, I don’t have the strong sense of ending my life as I did when I was manic and depressed. Instead, I have returned to the original state where I was not sick.

It was as if there were three people living in the body.

One is manic and arrogant, one is depressed and sad, and the other is the original me, but the original me exists for too short a time, and every time I use it to think about the paper assignments and revisions left over from the usual, when I was seriously ill. document.

Also prepare to answer.

In my normal period, I thought about living a good life.

It's a pity that the survival time is too short. Most of the time, I shuttle back and forth between hypomania, mania, and depression.

So now I feel palpitations about the previous death behavior experiment, with a kind of contempt for myself, and I fell into the river on such an impulse.

I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. I couldn't smell the porridge sealed in the box, but I could smell the fresh earth and the sweetness of flowers.When I smell it carefully, there is a smell of green apple near the nose, but it is not the extreme sweet and sour taste of green apple.

My drowsy mind has a corner that has been pried up, making it more flexible and comfortable, which relaxes my aching chest.I still continued to pretend to be asleep, not wanting to talk to Tang Fengxing.The hidden buckle of Tang Fengxing's black schoolbag hit the chair, making a crisp sound, and the sound of the plastic bag began to slowly disappear.I heard the breathing of him sitting next to me. I stiffened and wanted to move. Tang Fengxing said in a hoarse voice, "Chen Shuning, don't pretend to be asleep. The porridge is getting cold."

I opened my eyes, and for the second time, he saw that I was pretending to be asleep again?This man is really annoying.

I said coldly and softly, "Don't eat, get out."

Tang Fengxing sighed and lifted the lid: "If you don't eat, I will. I have to go to class later."

I closed my eyes and lay flat on my back with an indifferent expression on my face.

We agreed not to mention anything about my suicide.

Tang Fengxing pulled the chair closer to my bed.After the lid was lifted, there was a smell of warm eggs, preserved eggs and lean meat. I have spent the past few days with nutrient solutions and some potions, and I have hardly eaten a few bites of food.

In the early stage, from the end of mania to waking up from depression, I really didn't have any stomach, but now I have regained my senses a little bit, and I heard Tang Fengxing sucking the porridge, swallowing one mouthful after another, drinking it extremely refreshingly and comfortably.

I grabbed the white bed sheet and wanted to turn sideways, but my right hand was scratched, broken, and my ankle sprained. The doctor said it was the luckiest of misfortunes, but I didn't think so.The impotence of the body makes me only go through it in my mind... the picture of my salted fish turning over.

I'm hungry, but I'm too embarrassed to open my mouth. I told people to leave just now, and now I want to drink the porridge bought by others. It's so cheap. I couldn't help but curse: "I want to drink, go back and drink."

Tang Fengxing looked at me with a smile, put down the porridge he had finished, took out another bowl, and said brightly: "Want to drink it? This is the most popular porridge with preserved egg and lean meat in school. The rice grains are boiled until they bloom. The meat is so tender that you bite it off, it is elastic, and even the preserved eggs are..."

"I'll drink, I'll drink, I'll drink it, can you take a break." I hurried down the stairs he gave me, I don't eat for nothing, and whoring for nothing is a good man.

Tang Fengxing immediately rotated the pull ring next to him, helped me lift up the hospital bed, and sat me up from the state of lying flat on my back.Tang Fengxing neatly placed a small table in front of me. I asked where it came from, and he said it belonged to her sister, so I borrowed it to use it.

I said thank you and planned to open the cover with one hand. Tang Fengxing was about to help me. I pushed his hand away roughly and said, "I'm not disabled."

Tang Fengxing smiled, and let me do the whole process by myself. I tossed myself for a long time, and my rusted brain became clear at this moment, and the neurons were finally connected one by one.The glasses were lost in the river, and my eyes were blurred, so I couldn't see where the spoon was.

Tang Fengxing looked at me indifferently when I opened the lid, and his outstretched left hand had nowhere to start. He picked up the spoon and stuffed it into my hand and asked, "What is the degree of glasses, and I will take you to get a new pair someday."

"600 degrees." Da Dai took off his eyes, to the point where humans and animals were indistinguishable.

I was eating porridge with a spoon, and he swayed beside me and said, "I have 1.0 eyesight, and I'm curious, what does 600-degree eyes look at me like?"

"That's really enviable." As I said that, I turned my head to look at him earnestly. He was sitting next to him, so close that he could see his face clearly without being blurred into a mosaic. , the eye sockets are a bit deep, although the sky is slightly bright now, his eyes are still full of energy and bright colors.

After all, everyone has a problem, even if I am a neurotic, I have a bit of aesthetics, Tang Fengxing is really handsome.With an awe-inspiring uprightness and a sunny body, it is quite suitable for him as a professional.

He saw me looking intently at his face, he immediately suppressed his smile, and swallowed.I looked at him suspiciously, and spit out a sentence: "It's not that you are so short-sighted that you can't see it at such a distance. To be honest, you look pretty good. Well, I didn't praise you because of the porridge."

He was visible to the naked eye—the ears were red.

I really have to suspect that Tang Fengxing has ulterior motives for me.Bring breakfast, bring a small table, and bring me a...potted plant?

I looked at the flowers that only bloomed a few, but I didn't see that they looked a bit like wild flowers with yellow stamens and white petals on the side of the road.

I really felt that I was a useless person, and I spilled a few spoonfuls of porridge. When I remembered what I did when I was sick, I looked down on myself more and more, and a sense of inferiority and uselessness suddenly emerged from the bottom of my heart.

Tang Fengxing didn't wipe it for me, but put a paper towel in my hand and said, "Wipe it yourself, don't be dazed, just wipe it clean."

The thing that had just popped up hibernated back again. Sure enough, I was really pretending, but at least Tang Fengxing treated me as a normal person, and felt more comfortable.It really seemed that I was just lying here in an accident, and Tang Fengxing took care of me as a classmate taking into account the friendship between classmates.

I couldn't eat any more, so I put down my spoon and asked him, "What kind of flower is this?"

Tang Fengxing finished the rest of my porridge, looked at the chamomile, the sky was getting brighter outside, he wiped his mouth, his smile was as bright as the sun, it made my eyes shine, how could he be so energetic.

He said proudly, "This is chamomile, which helps you sleep and nourish your mind. Seeing that you haven't slept very well these two nights, I think the scent is not bad. Let's try it tonight."

"Where did it come from?"

"Bought from the flower and bird market."

"Go shopping early in the morning?"

"I bought it during my morning jog, and the owner said it works well."

My eyelids started to fight, maybe the warm porridge helped, or the pot of chamomile with the light fragrance of green apples really had a sleep-promoting effect, or Tang Fengxing chatted with me about these unnutritious topics, I squinted my eyes and said weakly, "Why are you being so nice to me?"

He poured out the medicine for me, and then poured water into my kettle for me to take it. I actually obediently followed suit and finished the medicine, covered me with the quilt and said, "I told you, but you didn't want to listen to it. Last time I told you And scolding me."

I turned my head when I was about to see Duke Zhou. He said that because of a classmate who took me to the infirmary, I would pay him back and scold him when he came back.

So I still remember the account, I couldn't help laughing and said: "So you remember my grudge. I'm sorry to let you scold me back now, is it okay?"

"Forget it, you will really treat us as classmates, and you will treat me as profitable. After you get better, you will say a few words to me in front of Miejue Shitai, who likes you the most, so that I will not fail the subject and get the high school degree." Points. If you really think I’m losing money, then you pay. Potted plant money, porridge money, everything is clear, I support WeChat payment and Alipay payment.”

Tang Fengxing failed a course, he can lie to ghosts, but not to me.

I closed my eyes, he still remembered that I asked him about Alipay or WeChat transfer, to be honest, I was amused by him, it turned out that Tang Fengxing was so vengeful.

It does sound like I'm making trouble out of no reason, showing no mercy, and he's letting my bad temper go.

The effect of the medicine took effect, and my brain had begun to enter the warm water bath. My eyes were a little gray, and whatever words came out of my mouth seemed to be as far away as talking in a wide field. Far away, Tang Fengxing patted the quilt on my chest and said, Sleep well, don't think about it, I will come to see you after class.It seems to have a sound amplification effect, but as if passing through a tunnel, it feels like it has gone far away and disappeared.

The gentle tone, like today's soft porridge, made me drowsy and fell asleep.When I finally lost consciousness, I heard Tang Fengxing calling my name, but I was already on the verge of falling asleep, and there was no movement. He continued in a low voice, not because of a classmate relationship...it was a personal relationship.

I muttered the word "love affair" in my heart... into a white dream.

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Chen Shuning's perspective