wall window

I sat up and walked out of bed, I was really hungry, I couldn't walk steadily.

"Chen Yu, are you awake? Oh, you scared us all, you had such a high fever, you shivered from cold to hot, and you talked nonsense... Oh, it's good to wake up, come and eat something !” Ai Bing’s mother smiled anxiously and lovingly and came to help me.

"Oh. Why is Auntie here?" I took her hand.

"A Tian is on a business trip, I'll come and take Nannan with me." She smiled, A Tian is Ai Bing's husband.

"To trouble you." I said.

"It's okay, don't be polite, you can just treat this place as your own home. Come on, don't talk so much, just eat something!"

Ai Bing has already brought a large bowl of porridge and several dishes of light side dishes to the table.

"Mom, you can take Nan Nan to play in the room, and I will accompany Chen Yu." Ai Bing said.

"Okay, okay, Chen Yu, eat slowly, eat more, huh?"

"it is good."

I ate everything that Ai Bing put on the table without saying a word. I hoped to just keep eating like this. I just wanted to send the food into my stomach, and I didn't think about anything else.

Ai Bing watched me eat in silence until I cleaned up the dishes, and then she packed the things into the kitchen.

"Want to sit on the balcony?" Ai Bing looked at me.

"it is good."

We moved the small sofa and sat on her big balcony.It's already night, and it's the night when thousands of houses are lit up. A while ago, Pei Fei and I often lay on the balcony to watch such a warm, sweet, night.night at that time.

what is she doing

"Chen Yu, if you don't want to say I won't force you, if you feel depressed, I'm willing to listen to whatever you say, as long as you can release and calm down." Ai Bing turned to me.

I know, you never force me, you always respect me so much.

I said everything.Then we were all silent, silent for a long time.

"What do you think?" Ai Bing asked after a long time.

"No, no idea, unwilling to have an idea."

"I hope you have a sweet love, and I don't want you to suffer so much." Ai Bing said.

Yeah, I know, I want to too.

"But now it's hard to have both, and I don't know what to do." Seeing that I was silent, Ai Bing said.

"I don't know how to live without her. I can't imagine. I don't even want to stay in this world anymore. It's too hard."

"Don't think like this! She doesn't know what to do when you're gone. If you die, how can she live?" Ai Bing looked at me nervously. She knew very well that her world-weary thoughts had accompanied her. for many years.

"It seems that there is nothing to support me to live, and I can't find the motivation to live."

"You have her. Even if you are not together, you know she still loves you. Somewhere in this world, she misses you like you miss her. You are not alone."

"If we can't be together, I don't want her to love me again, it won't be happy."

"I want to resign." I looked into the darkness of the night.

"It's too expensive. It's so hard to find a job now! Don't be impulsive."

"I don't think I'm suitable for education."

"No, you teach very well."

"I feel very tired, depressed, and helpless. I do what I don't want to do all day long, say what I don't want to say, execute other people's thoughts, and can't find the desire to live."

"Well, how many people can have a job now? It's not for the job. I don't like my job either, but I only treat it as a job. Even if it's not something I love or even hate, I don't like it. It can be done, and it won't affect my life. Don't ask so much."

I know that most people work to survive, and most people will accept it helplessly, and then live quietly and honestly.I can't do it, so I can't be quiet, so I'm very unhappy.I can no longer stand a school that lacks humanization, and I can no longer sell dog meat in score competitions with quality education. I no longer want to waste my life in trivial and boring formalism.

If you can't change it, and you can't change yourself, you can only leave.

"Do you think it's interesting for me to stay in this school?"

"No." She said honestly.

"I'll just be transferred away in despair, okay?"

"not good!"

"Can I escape this fate by going to a new school? If the new school finds out that I'm a ticking time bomb, will they keep me?"

"They will take you as a football and send you to another school."

"So does it make sense for me to stay in such a position?"

"Chen Yu..." Ai Bing didn't know what to say, but she didn't want to follow my lead.

"But how do you support yourself?" she said anxiously.

"It's not difficult to make a living. I can substitute for a class and teach in some after-school cram schools."

"It's not the same, but it's harder and there's no guarantee."

"It's different. That way there is no restriction, everyone is free, they can fire me at will, and I can fire them at will, there is no fixed relationship." I said, "I can still write."

"That's right, your article is so well written. But if you don't have connections, it's very difficult to publish, and you don't want to rely on connections to publish."

"In short, you don't have to worry about two meals."

"Chen Yu, your sacrifice is too great, but I can't find a better way." She looked at me sadly, "You paid too much for her."

"Not for her." I continued to look at the black night.

"Didn't you do it just to be with her?" she asked a little strangely.

"I don't want to be with her anymore."

"Ah? Why?" She looked at me in surprise.

"She is suffering when she is with me. I can't let her suffer like this."

"Chen Yu, oh, Chen Yu, don't be like this..." Ai Bing suddenly became irritable.

"Live like us, and you will definitely disclose your sexual orientation. In national institutions, there will be a lot of pressure from the top, as well as criticism from colleagues. In corporate units, you will also be excluded and lose many opportunities. So I decided to choose It is very difficult for people in same-sex marriages to gain a foothold in government departments and large companies."

Xiao Xue's words appeared very clearly in my mind.

Pei Fei, such an excellent girl with a bright future, can I let her be like this?Let her nest like me for the rest of her life?Can I make her give up the opportunity to study abroad and at the same time give up a lot of job opportunities?Can I get a talented girl to accompany a jobless bum who is no longer young?What reason do I have for letting a beautiful young girl die in my hands?

Pei Fei, is there any reason for me to be with you?Do I still have the ability to give you happiness?

Today, I saw a fact like this:

She walked from the bright stage to the dressing room behind the scenes, took off her skirt, kicked off her high heels, took off her wig, pulled off her breast fixation **fixed buttocks**, tore off false eyelashes, took out her dentures, washed off her makeup, and wiped off her lipstick , from a peerless beauty to a withered and ugly dominatrix.

This is the world in front of me.

[-]. The furthest distance in the world

"I want to go back." I told Ai Bing the next morning.

"Stay for two more days, your illness is not completely cured yet." Ai Bing was unwilling, and her mother also came to persuade her to stay.I haven't enjoyed such family warmth for a long time, so I stayed for an extra day to recover my strength.

When I got in the car and walked towards home, I became hesitant and anxious again.

Going back to the familiar Yulan Avenue, the community where I lived for many years, my heart began to ache like convulsions, and I hardly had the courage to go home.Will Pei Fei wait for me at my door like the previous two times?Waiting for me to go home?If she is here, can I still hold on?I started to shiver, my heart was beating wildly, and I was worried that I might pass out in the elevator.

she is not here.I stopped shaking, but the tears flowed down my face.

The first thing I did when I got home was to charge my phone. Ai Bing said that during the two days when I fell asleep, my phone had a lot of calls and text messages.Those missed calls are from the school, Pei Fei, and Pei Fei's father, and the information is all theirs.

I sent a message to Pei Fei and her father asking her to come over tomorrow morning.

I'm taking sleeping pills again this night, I want to sleep well, I can't suffer from insomnia, I can't see Pei Fei with two pandas in the dark.I want to lie in my sleeping position in a daze, hug her pillow, smell the breath left by her, and say to her, my love, good night.

Pei Fei, who was standing outside the door, lost weight, her round face became sharper, and her eyes lost their former brilliance.She looked at me resentfully, not speaking.

"Where have you been? Why didn't you answer my call? Why didn't you reply to my message? Where have you been..." After entering the door, she burst into tears.

I don't say anything.

"My father asked me to study abroad, but I refused to go. Did he come to you? Did he force you to let me go?" She hugged me and started crying.

"Pei Fei, no, I didn't know this happened." I stood there blankly.

"It's impossible for you not to know. My dad knew about us. He asked me to leave you. He must have looked for you. You can't lie to me, do you know that you can never lie to me!" She hugged me tightly Tighter.

"Pei Fei, I really didn't lie to you. I have other things to do recently."

"Anything else?" She let go of me and stared at me with wet eyes.

"Yes." I avoided her gaze.

"What's the matter with you recently? You have to tell me! You must tell me