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?If I don't feed you later, I will starve you to death! "While speaking, he took a broom to drive the group of chickens jumping around out of the door.

After Grandma wiped the chicken shit off the stool, I still didn’t dare to sit. I didn’t know if it was real chicken shit. I didn’t see the chicken shit on it.

"Mom..." I faltered and hesitated.

"What's the matter? Tell me quickly, I don't have time." The mother was busy sending her two younger brothers to kindergarten.

"I……"

"Oh, don't say anything, I'm leaving. Remember to add briquettes to the coal stove before going to school!" The mother led the two five-year-old brothers downstairs.I watched from the balcony as she carried her two younger brothers onto the bicycle one after the other, and rode crookedly into the not-so-wide concrete road.

Mom, I actually want to tell you that I'm on my period and I need toilet paper.I've been stealing toilet paper from your room for half a year, and you never run out of toilet paper for me.I'm almost 13 years old girl, I want to tell you a lot of things.

It was not until I was 16 years old that my mother asked me as if suddenly awakened: "Chen Yu, are you menstruating?"

It's so crowded, the bookstore is full of people.With my face turned to the bookshelf, I was leafing through a collection of essays I liked.

Why is it always so crowded, I'm about to be squeezed onto the bookshelf.I moved with difficulty and changed positions.But it didn't take long for me to be pushed onto the bookshelf again, and I clearly felt something hard behind me moving around under my buttocks.I couldn't help but look back.I was horrified by the sight of a naked man clinging to me.With my heart pounding, I pushed him away with all my strength, and ran home through the crowd.

When I got home, I rushed into the shower room and spent half an hour washing myself over and over before walking out in a panic.In the next few months, I spent every day in fear, and every night I watched my belly carefully to see if it was getting bigger.

I dare not tell my mother that my mother never had time to listen to me about my thoughts and feelings, and I never told my mother about my thoughts and feelings.

I dare not tell the teacher that the teachers are all men, and their eyes always seem to be very special, so special that it makes me feel uncomfortable.Especially the biology teacher, he only talked about "Plants" and "Animals", and he didn't say a word about the whole "Physiological Hygiene", he said: "This book is not easy to talk about, you should read it yourself .” He smiled mysteriously.I figured it must be a bad book, so I never turned it over.

I also dare not tell my classmates and friends that they often make jokes about male and female classmates, which makes me blush and stay far away every time.

I just keep a diary and hide it away. When I was 15, I kept a very thick diary.

I was lying on the bed in my little room, and my heart was full of sadness, because I was going to die, I was going to end my 16-year-old life, and leave this world.

I have a hard lump growing on one side of my breast that still hurts to the touch.I knew I had a tumor, I had cancer.I think of the Japanese TV series "Blood Suspicion" that everyone watched in junior high school. The pure and well-behaved Sachiko died tragically of leukemia at the age of 17.I'm going to be like her, but I'm only 16.Thinking of this, I often cry with infinite sadness.

One day I finally wrote a letter to my mother about my tumor.I read my last letter over and over again, tears streaming down my face.Finally, after my mother went to bed at night, I slipped the letter under the door.

Shyness kept me from looking up at my mother for days.But my mother didn't say anything, and my heart was ashamed, thinking that even my mother thought I was already a dead person.A few days later, my mother took me slowly to the home of a female doctor.

The female doctor, she said, it was not a tumor, it was breast hyperplasia.

"I have never been able to figure out how a woman can give birth to such a big child! It's so great!" One night during her freshman year, Ying, who was in the same dormitory, initiated the topic of discussion that night.

"That's right, I also find it strange that I feel so uncomfortable when I am constipated. How can I pull it out when the child is so big!" Tong said.

"Ah? The child came out of the ** door?" Ying cried out in surprise.

"Isn't it?" Tong asked strangely, "Where did you come from!"

"I always thought it was born from the belly button!" Ying suddenly realized, "But, how dirty it is to come out of the asshole!" Ying, who loves beauty, finds it hard to accept.

"Should the child be born from... from **?" I said cautiously.

"By the way, this is how children are born." Rainbow, the biggest in the dormitory, said.

Suddenly everyone fell silent, and after a while Ying murmured softly: "Won't that hurt more? Oh my God, it's horrible!"

The next day we learned how to make tea eggs in the dormitory, and I was about to take the bagful of eggs to wash.

"Do you have to wash the eggs too?" Ying looked at me strangely.

"Of course I do. Look, it's covered with chicken shit." I also looked at her strangely.

"How could it be stained with chicken feces?" Ying was even more surprised.

"Of course the eggs from the ass are stained with chicken shit."

"Ah? Eggs are born from the butt? Isn't it going to be born from the ass?"

"Hahahaha," I couldn't help laughing out loud, there was someone even more idiot than me, "Son, go do some research tomorrow and see where the chicken's penis is." All the girls in the dormitory burst into tears from laughter.

"Looks like all of us college students are substandard—living idiots!" I said.

"I prefer to read Western novels and poems, which are so passionate and exciting, and I have a very strong pleasure in reading them." I said, I just finished reading Stendhal's "Pama Monastery", "Also, Western movies The shooting is also like this, full of vividness, unrestrained and unrestrained, venting thousands of miles."

The students in our dormitory are discussing the differences between Eastern and Western literature.

"You are so disgusting." An old friend who happened to be in my dormitory whispered in my ear.

I'm so curious, why am I sick?I soon came to my senses, because I used the word "pleasure" openly and loudly. In her concept, pleasure refers to sexual pleasure. She didn't know that there was a thing called artistic pleasure.I was a little annoyed, how did her mind turn, besides, even sexual pleasure is beautiful and happy, why is it "disgusting"?

……

What is the result of ignorance?What is the result of not being able to speak your mind?What is the result of not expressing doubts?What is the consequence of not being free to speak scientifically about the unknown?What is the result of cutting out the personality?What is the result of not having an intimate mentor?

That's the stumbling block in life.

Five, from

In the next few days, Pei Fei started to come again, but only briefly, and then disappeared completely, from my office.

I remember that when she came for the last time, she kept holding my hand. During the hour we stayed together, she kept holding my hand, sitting beside me without saying a word, browsing my webpage casually, Until the preparation bell for evening repair rang.

"I'm leaving." She stood up, lowered her head, and didn't let go of my hand.

"I'm leaving," she repeated, looking up at me with a small smile as she continued to hold my hand.

"Go back to class!" I looked at her and patted the back of her hand with my other hand.

"Yeah." She finally let go of me and walked out. When she reached the door, she suddenly turned around, looked at me silently, and hesitated to speak.Finally, he left in silence.

I know, she won't come again.

Like those girls who disappeared from my teenage years.

Chen Yu: Looking at your name, my tears flowed down again. How many times have I written this name, how many times have I silently recited this name in my heart, how many nights have I fallen asleep holding this name.Chen Yu, Chen Yu, Chen Yu, I really want to say your name like this for the rest of my life, and let you hold my hand and keep going.

From the age of 15 to today's 21 years old, we have walked hand in hand like this, we are so happy, so happy, and so caring all the way, let me feel carefree, innocent and beautiful by your side.

I have always cherished your kindness in my heart.I remember the cake you made on my 15th birthday with a note hidden inside; I remember you silently accompanied me every day when my father died; I remembered the poems you wrote for me when I was depressed; I remembered my mother and brother couldn’t When you give me care and warmth, you give me all the encouragement and love; remember that you always save the best food for me, and buy clothes for me with the saved money; remember the little things you often bring to me My surprise: a few flowers, a few fallen leaves, a green vine, a piece of beautiful manuscript paper, a few chic flower language candies... You will never leave me because of my hot and cold, you will never leave me because of My face full of pimples and not kissing me...you say, you wish I was your night after night.

I am as afraid of losing you as you are, and I know that there will be no one in this world who treats me like you do.However, I still decided to leave you.Chen Yu, you must forgive me.

I can't let my mother live in poverty all the time, and I can't let my brother affect his future because of my lack of prospects.I can't let down my dead father either. I promised him that he must do something to realize his ideal - to be an excellent university teacher.

I know you will hate me, but I have no choice.I can't bear being accused of being gay, I can't bear the stares and gossip from classmates and friends, I can't face