Love you as life

Really die.I also don't want her to suffer because of me, because I am looked down upon by others.My family did not allow me to do this either. I am the eldest daughter, and I have a younger brother and two younger sisters. Back then, I was alone in the city, and my parents expected me to help the family. Qiuping wiped away her tears and smiled. That smile was the bitterest I've ever seen.

"I think I am quite happy now. I can see her once or twice a month, and spend another month reminiscing about the bits and pieces of our togetherness. Sometimes I am too excited to reminisce and stay up all night. I am not willing." Sleep. Sometimes I find my husband to vent when I think too hard... I am sorry for him, I will try my best to be a good wife and mother, all the housework, children's study, and the daily life of their family are covered by me. Keeping myself at work all day and night, I can't stop..."

"Qiu Ping, you are suffering too much." I looked at her undried tears, and felt more and more sadness in my heart.

"It's too bitter, too depressing, and sometimes I'm afraid that I'll go crazy one day. But if I suffer alone, the others will not be affected, and they will all be fine..." Qiuping He showed a sad smile that was stronger than the bleak autumn colors.

"Qiu Ping." I couldn't help holding her cold hand, "I can't suffer myself like this..." I felt like a heavy stone was pressing on my heart, it was so dull that it was hard to breathe, and the pain was unbearable.

"Wen Qing, you are very happy. When I saw you and Xin An appear calmly and generously, I was really excited. I almost cried at that time!" Qiuping looked at me sincerely with tears in her eyes, "I I feel very happy too, I finally found someone who is like me, I finally found someone who can let me talk with peace of mind, I can't hold my breath..." Qiuping's tears suddenly flowed like two small rivers. Continuously rushing, it is a hearty and joyful rush...

"Qiu Ping..." My nose was sore, "Call me anytime in the future."

"I will. Take care of yourself and be happy." Qiuping held my hand tightly.

"Well." I have no reason to be unhappy, no reason not to cherish my own happiness.

Guo Chun and Jingjing came to my house once before we left. These two best friends in middle school are very familiar to my parents. Their arrival added a little vitality to the family, especially Guo Chun's loud voice, like a The extra-large broom can sweep away people's troubles in an instant.When they saw An An for the first time, they naturally had to be curious.An An is generous and brave, of course he is not afraid to watch, Guo Chun can see this right away, and he has no scruples in speaking.

"Wen Qing, you are really a woman, An An is so young and beautiful, especially with such a demeanor! You are an old cow eating young grass!" Guo Chun said loudly in front of An An.

"How can you say that! Wenqing was our class flower back then, and was recognized as the most temperamental girl in the grade!" Jingjing immediately defended me.

"You said it all, that was in the past, the back waves of the Yangtze River pushed the front waves, and the front waves died on the beach!" Guo Chun continued to say loudly.

"Sister Guo Chun, Wen Qing is a wild chrysanthemum, which blooms more fragrantly and brilliantly with more wind and rain." An An looked at Guo Chun with a smile, her eyes were as bright as a lake filled with sunlight.

"Hahaha, don't you dare to speak out? Troubled!" Jingjing looked at Guo Chun and laughed happily.

"Hehe, An An, I'm sorry, Wen Qing is the best and most beautiful woman in the world." Guo Chun glared at me.

"Well, I think so too." An An didn't forgive her, and also laughed.

"Oh, by the way, An An, have you always been called Wen Qing by name? I mean, you were called Sister Wen Qing when you were young, right? When did Wen Qing start tricking you into calling her by her name?" Guo Chun still didn't want to let go pass me.

"I, as soon as I saw Wen Qing, I called her by her name. I knew from the age of five that Wen Qing is not my sister, she is my wife." An An smiled mischievously and happily.

"Okay! I admit defeat! Wen Qing's charm is unstoppable!" Guo Chun shouted, and then held An An's hand and mine together: "This way I can rest assured, An An has vision, Wen Qing is indeed She is the best woman in the world and our best friend. We wish you happiness forever!"

"Oh, this guy is testing An An? Hehehe..." Jingjing suddenly realized.

"Guo Chun, thank you, thank you!" I am very touched, because I have such a sincere friend.I'm not the best woman in the world, but definitely the luckiest and happiest woman in the world.

Before leaving, Guo Chun and Jingjing told me that something happened to Xiaoling, which was what I expected.A person who avoids medical treatment but is seriously ill will only go to death. If this strong person suffers from a mental illness instead of a physical illness, her death will appear in the form of spiritual death—he cannot be cured, and suicide will be punished by herself. Contempt, can only go crazy.This is the ending I have been worried about, and it is also the ending we tried our best to avoid, but it still happened, and we finally have to accept this result: Xiaoling has become a severe schizophrenia patient.

"She is in a very bad condition. She doesn't recognize everyone, and she will giggle or cry... Do you want to go and see her?" Guo Chun's loud voice became extremely low and lost.

"No, she is completely in the past and has completely disappeared from my life."

Qiuping is a fish in the water, and so is Xiaoling, but Qiuping dives noblely, and Xiaoling dives selfishly.

1. A Guest on the End of the World ([-])

My brother and sister-in-law drove us and my parents to the airport in the provincial capital. On the way, An An and my brother and sister-in-law kept chatting with my parents.But my mother couldn't mobilize it, so she sat next to me, and her big rough hands held my hands tightly, holding them so tightly and so hard, as if I would fly away when she let go of her hand a little bit.

The mountains, rivers, fields, and villages in my hometown kept receding, and the scenery of neighboring counties gradually disappeared. Our hearts became heavier and heavier, and finally even my sister-in-law and brother stopped talking.Dad kept looking out of the window, the wind blowing into the car caused his black and white hair to rise and fall like dry grass in the field, and my mother lowered her head lower, and finally leaned on me, and began to cry silently , and out of control. "Parents are here, don't travel far" is the philosophy I have always adhered to since I returned to my hometown. Now my parents, who are dying, are forced to leave their hometown because of me and spend their old age in a distant and strange country. I am What kind of child?

"Mom, I'm sorry." I hugged my mother.

"Silly daughter, don't say that!" My mother turned around and hugged me tightly, "You can't think like this, you know?" My mother cried, "It's not that I'm reluctant to leave my hometown, it doesn't matter where I go, I'm worried You..."

"Mom, it's okay. I'm still young, with good survivability and adaptability, and An'an is by my side. What should I worry about?"

"You just like to be like your father. You bury everything in your heart and pretend to be strong. I know it all." My mother's face touched my hair, "You have to be obedient and listen to An An's words. You want to say it, you know?" Mom said to me like a child.

"Ah."

"Don't worry about anything in your heart. If you have any troubles that can't be solved, go to the doctor, huh? I just don't worry about your depression." My mother hugged me tightly again. The shadow under her is too great. Over the years, she cherishes my "lost and found" infinitely, and pours all the love that cannot be given to children far away on me.

"Mom, I'm already cured. I'll find a doctor if I have any questions. Don't worry. There are so many people who care about me. How can I give up on myself?"

"It's good to think like this. No matter what happens, you must remember that the child is the life of the parents, and you are also our life. Without you, mother can't live..."

"Mom, don't worry, Wen Qing will be fine, and we will all be fine." An An stroked her mother's hair.

"Well, no matter where you go or what you encounter, you must be strong, huh?" Mom let me go, looked at An An and me, and held our hands together tightly: "Your happiness is hard-won , must be cherished!"

"Yeah." I said with An'an.

"An An," Dad turned around, "Be considerate of your dad, his life is not easy, if you can avoid it, try not to mention the word homosexuality in front of him, try not to expose your relationship with Wen Qing directly in his circle of friends Relationship, huh? I don’t want him to be in a situation like mine. I have encountered all kinds of storms, and I have seen everything. And I am old, and I have nothing to hope for except children. But your father is still young after all, at least With ten years of prosperous career, it is not easy for a person to start a business alone, and it is even more difficult to maintain a business. It is only natural for him to value these. When he is old, he will be like me now." Before we could speak, he said: "Our family is your family. Wenqing's brothers and sisters are your brothers and sisters. All Wenqing's nephews and nieces are your nephews and nieces. We are all relatives and we are not alone. If you have anything to say, everyone will talk to each other. Take care."

"Well, I know, don't worry!" An An said.

"It might be better for you to live in a big city. After all, people in small places are more conservative, and they are the same everywhere." Dad added, "S City is not suitable for the time being, go to Jiangnan, where Wenqing is studying at university. , An An's mother is also from there, and you are all familiar with that area, and most of them are open coastal cities, and people's ideas are relatively more open. Huh?" Dad looked at us earnestly.

"Dad, we'll think about it. We don't plan to stick to a certain place yet." I said.I will definitely go to Jiangnan, I promised Teacher Ying and Lan Ying to take my lover back to my alma mater...

"Then... call us as soon as you stabilize."

"Ah."

……

Mom and Dad didn't look back after they entered the security check. Dad dragged a small suitcase and walked in front with his head upright, trying to leave us a tall and straight figure. Mom followed Dad with her head down. I know, she was full of wrinkles. There must be tears and rain pouring down on her face, with tears running down her cheeks.When their backs finally disappeared at the end of our sight, I turned around and walked out of the seeing-off hall quickly, letting my tears flow freely!When will I see you again, when will I see my elderly parents again?I know very well that a day for the elderly is a day of God's gift...

Because the child was in his hometown, after his parents left, his brother and sister-in-law also went back. We didn't say goodbye, but shook hands tightly, hugged tightly, laughed with tears and said "Treasure!"My dear and dear family, once again bid farewell to me.

An'an and I stayed in the provincial capital for a few days.Although I have designed the itinerary and made a plan, the action seems to be very slow. I need time to calm my mind.

"Wen Qing, do you want to see Xiao Ling? I'll accompany you." At night, An An hugged me from behind in front of the window.

I shook my head and put my hands on hers: "No, no."

"I know you miss her." An An kissed my neck.I know I can't hide anything from you, we've been studying each other for 18 years.

"I don't want to see her the way she is now, and if she's awake, she doesn't want to." If the traces of the years can be erased, I hope I only remember the 12-year-old girl we first met.

"Wen Qing, I very much remember a couplet you read when I was a child - 'When you see it, do it, do it, then let it go, what's wrong, wisdom is born in awareness, born in freedom, life is life or no life', my Wen Qing She is a very active and intelligent woman." An An turned her hands to hold mine.

"An'an, I know what I'm doing and what I want to do. I can't be indifferent to Xiaoling's ending, but I can't do anything about it. More importantly, I can't let the past affect my present and future. Let the past be dusty, no Let the future be bright, pure and calm. An'an, my future belongs to you only."

"Well, you will always belong to me, mine, my own Wenqing." An An kissed my ears and cheeks, and started to swim with the hands stroking the back of my hands, warm breath on my neck winding.

"An'an, you are also an excellent 'lover' person, and you know 'love' very well..." I gently held her with both hands, and followed her roaming on my body.

"'Love' is the most beautiful art that you don't need to learn. If you have love in your heart, you will know how to 'love'..." An An turned me around, holding my face, her lips were moist, and her eyes were wet.Yes, Ann, we should enjoy our happiness, our love, this is the gift of life, it is the wish of all the relatives and friends who love us, we cannot live up to it.Let life be released, let happiness bloom, let the flowers of love bloom in the world, let the mellow love flow...

2. A Guest on the End of the World ([-])

A few days later, we returned to Liba Village.It's been a long time, the mountains and rivers, the vast and rough wilderness.I saw cooking smoke, old houses, old tree branches, old fences, old stone roads, and old fields. Everything was so familiar, as if it was yesterday that I left.

Inside the mountain is a fairyland of another generation, where only the souls are changed from generation to generation, but not the face.It is still the scenery of the elderly and children. The migrant workers who went out came back in batches and left, and the left-behind people grew up and were born in batches. The left-behind children who grew up became new migrant workers. , These new migrant workers have brought back new left-behind children one after another... The green hills are still there, and the sunset is red several times.

Song's mother is still there, but it's already a long time, and there is another "left-behind old man" who is in his fifties alone at home. These old people with a certain age gap are like a relay race of life, one old and one old, old One by one, time has been passing, as if it is eternal stillness.

On the second day after we came back, we followed the path of the past to visit An'an's elementary school.The primary school has doubled in size, added a lot of sports equipment, added a handicraft room, an indoor sports field, and a very fashionable "psychological consultation room", all of which were newly built with the sponsorship of Xin Dekang.When we were about to come out, we unexpectedly ran into An An's past math teacher, a 50-year-old woman surnamed Xin.After exchanging pleasantries for a while, we couldn't help asking about An An's primary school head teacher, Chinese teacher, and Tang Xinyi, a girl who once liked me.

"Her?" Teacher Xin's face changed, and she shook her head: "She, I really can't think of it, you absolutely can't think of it, she-is gay!" After saying the word "gay", she hurriedly looked around.

I was taken aback, knowing that something must have happened to Tang Xinyi.

It turned out that Tang Xinyi had a relationship with a sixth grade girl a few years ago, and was seen by a student later. Out of fear, the girl told her family that Teacher Tang wanted her to be like this, and she cried and refused to go to school again, so Tang Xinyi was rejected. The school is expelled.One night not long after, Tang Xinyi was severely beaten by several men, her hands were the most seriously injured, and two fingers were even broken.It is estimated that the girl's relatives did it, but no one dared to pursue it, including Tang Xinyi's family. People thought she deserved what she deserved... Tang Xinyi's father, who has retired at home, was very stimulated. She devoted her whole life to the cause of education, but in her later years, her daughter harmed the students. She felt ashamed of her parents and fellow villagers, and she committed suicide by drinking pesticide.Tang Xinyi's mother felt sorry for her daughter and felt shameless. After losing her wife, she also drank pesticides... Tang Xinyi was also charged with killing her father and mother.The discredited and desperate Tang Xinyi originally planned to end her painful life by jumping into the river, but was rescued by an outsider, and was later said to have been raped by an elderly gay woman.

"Oh, it's so tragic. Her whole family was ruined like this. She is too pitiful. She has already been rated as an excellent teacher and teaching backbone in the district. She is the only one in our school who can get such an honor. I didn't expect She was ruined by such a thing... She is too stupid, why would she like a student, and she is still a child, what does a child know? It is a pity, it is sad..." Teacher Xin kept shaking her head and sighing.

I don't know how to leave that green grassy campus, I want to cry, want to cry, want to shout loudly: why?The sky is big and the earth is big, why is it so hard for homosexuals to walk an inch? !Why? !

Tang Xinyi, a girl who is so pure and simple and loves children, a girl who is determined to dedicate herself to the cause of education in mountainous areas-is destroyed like this!

Qiuping, a sincere, kind and capable woman - can only live a humble life in the cracks!

Xiaoling, a woman who is extremely intelligent, knowledgeable and capable-finally goes to the spiritual point of no return!

Aoba and Yingzi—a pair of pure, sensible, and well-behaved girls—want to let the raging tide swallow Flowery's life!

……

Why?Why?Why? !

"Wen Qing, Wen Qing." An An held my hand tightly, staring at me with eyes that were brighter because of moisture, "We are sad, but we can't be sentimental."

An'an, I can't help being sentimental, maybe I should take some responsibility for this matter.If I had accepted Tang Xinyi, would the situation be better?In this way, Tang Xinyi would not be so sad, and An An might not go on this path either.In fact, like Tang Xinyi, I fell in love with a child, but she was discovered, but I didn't... Why did I fall in love with a child?Is it caused by the secrecy of gay people?They can't find someone they love, and they don't dare to "seek marriage" or "friends" with great fanfare. Even if they meet someone who feels good about each other, they don't dare to act rashly... And the children are relatively simple... Am I the same?Is this how I treat An An?

"An An, if I follow Tang Xinyi..."

"You are not allowed to say that, and you are not allowed to think that way!" An An stopped, tears falling down, "I knew you would think this way, there is no if, no if! We are the same body of life, everyone Irreplaceable! You are not the savior, there are many things we cannot do!"

"I suddenly wondered if I was too selfish, I'm sorry for you, I'm sorry for many people..."

"Wenqing, we are the natural attraction and closeness of life. Our relationship is beautiful. Only with beautiful love can everything be beautiful. The world should be like this! You said that the love of a lonely person is to find another Self, a self that can be seen and touched, has a shape and a thought, perceives its own existence from her, and thus obtains a sense of security and warmth in life. You are my other self, and only with you can I be safe and warm You are me, I am you...how can you say that, how can you say that!" An An suddenly hugged me and burst into tears.

An'an's sadness calmed down my complicated emotions and calmed down my mind. How could I be so emotional?How could I hurt An An's heart like this? !

"An'an, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I was too excited and uncomfortable just now, I'm sorry..." I hugged her tightly.

An'an broke away from me, took my hand and ran, towards the field of wild chrysanthemums we were familiar with and often dreamed of, and then crossed it towards the long quiet river with clear water, luxuriant grass, blue sky, white The cloud, reflecting the bend of the clear stream.

"Wen Qing, our love started here. You hold me while I am asleep, reading, watching clouds, and watching water; we ran in the field of wild chrysanthemums and weaved garlands. I said I would take wedding photos with you, you Be the bride, I will be the groom; I gave you my first kiss here, and you said it was to prove that I understand the first kiss of love; you here acquiesce in your love for me, a deep and painful love..." An An said I burst into tears.

"An'an, I love you, I love you very much, I love you deeply and painfully, not because I can't find a lover, not because you are a simple child, because you are An'an, because you are me." I put my arms around This pure, beautiful, sunny girl whom I have loved and dreamed of for more than ten years, has tears all over her face.

"Wen Qing..." An An just hugged me tightly and didn't speak.

"An'an, I love you. To love you is to love life." I kissed her delicate back and kissed her soft hair.

"I love you too, Wen Qing, more than life."

"An'an, I want to change the direction of writing. I hope there will be fewer tragedies in the world." I am already a wanderer, a wanderer with nothing, a wanderer is a free person, and the richest thing is courage.

"Well, no matter what you want to do, I will support you. What you want to do must be good and meaningful." An An's voice was soft and warm.

"I'm going to reorient my writing to growth and gay sensibilities."

"Well, good! You write, I make money, and I'm responsible for publishing books for you." An An said softly.

"An'an, you will be very tired, both physically and mentally." The girl in my arms is so fresh and young.This talented girl in every aspect, if it weren't for me, her achievements would definitely surpass her father.

"Being with you will not be tired, that is happiness. Being able to create beauty for this world is happiness, being able to accumulate wealth for life is luck, being able to understand and help children and homosexuals is great. This is our common cause "An'an left my arms, staring at me intently with clear and deep eyes, "Wen Qing, you are like Pushkin who was exiled, exiled to Liba Village, met a little village girl, and became the sun in her life. She The ideal of this life is to give love and warmth to this world together with her sun."

"An'an." I held her hands around my neck and kissed gently, this former little ghost, chrysanthemum essence, my little "overlord", my intimate lover. "An'an, you are an angel left in the wilderness. God sent me to this pure land to look for you. I found it, but I took it for myself."

"With you, I am an angel. With love, there is a pure land everywhere. Wen Qing, you helped me find myself and my ideal. I thank you for obediently obeying God's words and coming to this remote place. The closed mountain village turned the desolate wilderness into a beautiful paradise. This is the origin of my life, where I had my best childhood and youth, and your best youth. This is our Garden of Eden." An An's eyes were deep , Clear, like the world in front of my eyes - blue sky, clear clouds, blue water.

——and the warm and splendid chrysanthemum field in the distance.Unconsciously, I blurted out a poem: "Wait for the chrysanthemum and yellow home brew to be cooked, and you will be drunk and intoxicated."Ann, I will be drunk with you for the rest of my life.

end

"hipster."

"Ok?"

"How come Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, and Cinderella have no stories after they marry the prince?"

"No more stories?"

"It's just what happened when they got married."

"Oh, didn't the prince live a happy life with them?"

"How to be happy?"

"As long as we are together, we will be happy no matter what."

"Is it happiness forever? Is it happiness forever and ever?"

"If they are always in love, they will always be happy."

"Well, that's for sure."

(End of the full text. 2011-2-9)

——I would like to dedicate this document to my mother who has passed away and gave me endless love, understanding and confidence.

——Mom, the day you left happened to be the Double Ninth Festival, and you should drink chrysanthemum bar on the Double Ninth Festival, which is a symbol of fragrance and beauty.However, I can't sacrifice you with wine, you are a vegetarian.We just keep burning incense, kowtowing to you, and reciting the "Maitreya Salvation Sutra" for you. We hope you can return to heaven with the fragrance of flowers.

In your life, I am the child who enjoys your love the most.But during the two and a half years when you were suffering from cancer, I was able to accompany and take care of you only in the last half of the year.In the past six months, except for my sick and working days, there are really too few people who can really accompany you.You said, you don't want anything, you are already satisfied, you just hope that I can be happy and healthy.You let us understand through the pain of your own life that health and happiness are the most precious things in life.

Mom, I honor you and remember your words: be happy and be healthy.So as you said, we didn't cry when you left, and we talked and laughed with you all the time before you left.do you know?Your remains are so serene, as if you are smiling, your face is pale and powdery.We firmly believe that you have found the way and that you have successfully ascended to heaven, a peaceful place free from torment and pain.

We all know that you have a pair of wings, you can fly over all the mountains and seas, enjoy the beauty of the world, and visit your children everywhere at any time.We all believe that you are always looking at us in the sky to see if we are well-behaved, if we love each other, and if we feel your love and hope like when you were here.Yes, we are all fine, we are fine, you are happy, you are happy, we are better.

I once said to my sister, I miss my mother, miss my mother very much, and always imagine when my mother will come back.My sister said, Mom really won't come back, but we will go up one day, and then we will be reunited.Yes, knowing you are here, knowing that we will always be together, we have no reason to be sad about separation.

Mom, you always like to give us confidence and strength, and you always bring us happiness with your laughter and loud voice.I will always remember your goodness, your strength and optimism, your hope!Thank you for giving me life, I promise, live every day well!

(Finish)