I was on the clouds

Day by day, life is always the same.

After finishing her graduate studies at MIT, she stayed in Beijing for a while, and then returned to Shanghai to visit Chi Xiangnuan's parents. After a round trip, she returned to the United States. She looked at the clouds outside the window, and there was something in her heart. A place, and she never dared to go to that place.

After returning to the United States, she had another examination accompanied by Ye Decheng.

The bipolar disorder gradually recovered, and the dosage of medication was gradually reduced.

Ye Decheng was on the phone with Ye Desheng, and when he saw Ye Xi coming out, he hung up with a bad face: "Your father has always confessed to me in a fake way these days, and he is very cunning and cliche from me."

"What is he doing?".

"It's not about you yet. Sometimes it asks about your illness, and sometimes it asks about your plans. He wants you to accept his law firm."

"Isn't there Ye Nuan?".

"Ye Nuan is a high-achieving law student, but recently she has devoted herself to becoming a psychiatrist, and she can't pull back even nine bulls."

"what?".

Ye Decheng laughed loudly: "I guess your dad is about to die of anger now, hahahahaha...".

Ye Xi also laughed, and after the two finished laughing, Ye Decheng suddenly asked: "Why didn't you ask the outside world for help when your mother went crazy? How can you hide things in your heart?"

He asked so suddenly that even Ye Xi was stunned.

"It should be that I was very extreme at that time. After Ye Zhen died, I felt that I should live like that and accept my fate."

Ye Decheng took a deep puff of the cigarette, and the smoke ring that he exhaled slowly dissipated: "Do you remember the knife your mother cut on your neck?".

Ye Xi remembered that knife very clearly. That day when she came back from school and lowered her head to change her shoes, she only saw a white shadow out of the corner of her eye. She subconsciously dodged it, and the knife landed on the back of her neck.

The knife was a paper cutter. Although the cut was bleeding, it was not serious. She clutched her neck and ran into the room frantically and locked the door. Naturally, she didn't tell anyone about it.

Ye Xi was surprised: "How did Second Uncle know?".

"Your mother called me and told me. That's when I knew she was mentally ill.... At that time, I decided to settle in the United States and bring you here."

Ye Xi's eyes sharpened.

Ye Decheng took a deep puff of cigarette: "You are so smart, you probably know how I feel about your mother. Once your father went to Shanghai, and I drank too much, so I went with her...Second Uncle is sorry for your mother, and I'm sorry too. You, later your mother gave birth to you, the day was a coincidence, I was thinking about it in my heart... Oh, that was also my wild imagination, I thought you were my child in my heart, and later when your father wanted to take you to Shanghai, I did it secretly I have passed the paternity test, but it is a pity that I did not, otherwise I would have to snatch you here."

Ye Xi took a deep breath, her face was pale: "What did she say on that phone call".

"She said she had already killed her son, and she didn't want to kill her daughter anymore."

Arguing about right and wrong seems to be very meaningless, in Ye Xi's view, that's how it is.

The cut her mother made back then doesn't even leave a scar, and she doesn't have much memory of the pain, but she remembers the panic at that time more clearly.

The bleeding from the wound had already stopped the next day, and gauze was scribbled around her neck. It was her birthday that day. There was a slightly flattened cake on the dinner table. The four words "Happy Birthday" written on that piece of orange cream are still intact.

She has never eaten such a big cake, because her birthday coincides with the Ghost Festival, so no one has ever given her a birthday cake.

I can’t remember the mood at that moment clearly, it’s similar to the feeling of seeing the moon through the clouds and mists, seeing a little shadow of the long-term vague expectation, and I don’t even dare to be happy in my heart.

She died that night, still in such a tragic way, it gave her a heavy blow to her soul, like a slap in the face, and told her——your life is just like this.

As for those things you want?

Pooh!

The cruel and merciless character may be inherited in one continuous line, and the same is true for the wolf-hearted.

Ye Xi looked at the old photos from before, and thought of such a sentence, after she finished speaking, she suddenly wanted to laugh.

The woman in the old photo is very young, with peach blossom eyes and a pointed chin, wearing a plain white skirt with a few pink flowers embroidered on it, leaning against a peach tree and holding a branch of peach blossom, smiling triumphantly.

It was not at all like the gloomy look in Ye Xi's memory, she could hardly imagine that she was still so beautiful and smiling so carefree.

"Sometimes she would complain to me, always saying she shouldn't have given birth to you. After giving birth to you, Ye Desheng never came back. Without you, we would still be a good family."

"Then she was so naive."

Ye Decheng gave her a complicated look: "I have always wanted to take care of her for the rest of my life."

Looking at the photo, Ye Xi cast a shadow over his facial features: "Her eyes for men are really not very good. I can only say that like attracts like. I don't know how she could do something to her own son. I will never forget it in my life." The appearance of Ye Zhen's death."

Ye Decheng's face was covered by circles of smoke, making it difficult to see his expression clearly. His voice came from behind the smoke: "Ye Xi, she never hurt you when she was ill before. That time she Out of control."

Ye Xi looked away from the photo and looked directly at him: "Are you trying to excuse her?".

Ye Decheng said solemnly: "She lost control, so she committed suicide."

Ye Xi stared at him.

Ye Decheng continued: "If she had a kitchen knife in her hand, if you hadn't run fast at that time, you would have died. She said she didn't want to kill her daughter anymore, so don't run away, don't deny it, Ye Xi Ah, your mother died for you."

Ye Xi's expression was distorted all of a sudden.

Ye Decheng sighed and said: "Is it difficult to admit that she loved you?".

There was a long silence.

Ye Xi grabbed her hair, took a hard breath, her body trembled, and the photo in her hand slipped from her hands: "Difficult".

"It's hard," she said painfully.

The woman in the photo is still smiling with brows dyed in the spring breeze, and her best years are forever frozen in this slightly faded photo.

Ye Xi looked at her, tears rolling down his face.

so be it.

forget it.

There's nothing to fret about.

It seems that no one is wrong, and it is impossible to hate everyone like before, and the heart full of hatred can no longer be as firm as before.

Maybe she was the one who was saved in the end.

"Xiang Nuan, I really can't hate anyone now, thinking about my previous self, I really think I'm a complete fool.

I now have a feeling of being cheated by life going round and round.

You know, I've always been very conceited, very self-righteous, very dark, very mean, and very contemptuous.

Now that I think about it, I don’t know why you fell in love with me. Every time you ask me, you use a lot of comparisons to praise me, as if you don’t like me. This 500 million-word masterpiece, I will smile and tell you halfway through it, and tell you that you have no end.

How could I find you annoying at that time? It was really inappropriate. I really wish I could go back to the past and listen to you quietly.

Unexpectedly, after you left, I talk more, sometimes I can write thousands of words eloquently, as if I can't finish everything, if you know, I don't know how you will laugh at me.

Not only have I become talkative, I have also become timid, and I dare not go to the places we have been.

I have wanted to pay homage to you many times and look at that small courtyard in the countryside, but I dare not, I have been lying to myself that you are just traveling far away, and you will come back after a long, long time, looking at me with bright eyes and asking Did I miss you.

Of course I will say I miss you, don’t be as duplicity as before, I lived in the hospital for a long time, dreams and reality alternated, weaving into a particularly interesting dream.

When I didn't think of you, I read your book by chance and looked at your Weibo. It turns out that your chicken soup essays are so well written, and there are overwhelming Amway on Weibo. It turns out that those on Weibo Food posing is our daily routine. It turns out that the last Weibo post was typed out word by word when I logged into your account.

I am sober now, and when I am sober, I have to face the reality that you have left me, and I am very sad.

I'm going to be alone in the future, and I wish you were still by my side.

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The author has something to say:

This chapter of Ye Xi's mother Jiang He is really difficult to write, and the last chapter will be finished tomorrow.