not brilliant

There were not many people on the subway back, so Jing Can pulled He Pingyi to sit on the two seats beside her.After playing the racing game, Jing Can was in a great mood, and when she was talking now, the corners of her mouth were still slightly raised.

"Did you just arrive? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Well. I also said that I wanted to surprise you, but I found your home according to the address. You were not there. My aunt told me that you went to the clinic. I went to tell you that you had left long ago, and you didn't answer your phone... ..." He Pingyi paused when he said this, and held back the phrase "I was scared to death", "Fortunately, I left a phone call with my aunt, and she called me to say that you went to the video game city. Why did you secretly Coming? Don’t tell me? Didn’t you agree that I would take you to play?”

Jing Can was thrown into a daze by He Pingyi's series of questions. After thinking for a long time, she simply didn't answer any of them, just touched her nose, looked at He Pingyi and smiled.

"What are you smirking at?" He Pingyi pondered Jing Can's expression for a moment, then raised his eyebrows, "You don't mean to come here early to practice, so you can beat me, right?"

Jing Can stretched out a finger and said, "It's probably because of this."

"Hey," He Pingyi patted his head, "Such a competitive spirit."

There were shadows of two people on the opposite window. When the subway was shaking, Jing Can secretly reached out and grabbed He Pingyi's.They sat close to each other, and their hands were blocked by their legs, which was not particularly conspicuous.

Jing Can kept looking up at He Pingyi, seeing that he was hesitant to speak, He Pingyi lowered her head and put her ear to his mouth.

"I have something to tell you later."

He Pingyi smiled: "Coincidentally, me too. Take me to that basketball court later."

Jing Can didn't expect He Pingyi to make such a request, but he was only stunned for a few seconds, then quickly nodded happily.

The basketball court was also open at night, and this time there were a few boys playing inside, and Jing Can didn't want to go in when she saw someone.He turned his head and said to He Pingyi: "Let's change the place, there are too many people."

He Pingyi looked around the stadium. For some reason, he always felt that the environment looked familiar.Maybe... he guessed in his heart, because many street basketball courts look similar?

"That's it." He Pingyi took Jing Can's arm and walked towards the bench in the corner.

On summer nights, the worst thing is swarms of mosquitoes.He Pingyi was wearing long trousers, but Jing Can only wore a pair of shorts on her lower body, and was bitten twice on her legs as soon as she sat down.Jing Can was annoyed by the itching of the two bumps, he frowned and scratched a few times, and said, "There are so many mosquitoes..."

Seeing the two big red pieces, He Pingyi stretched out his hand, picked up his two legs, and then turned his body around so that he sat facing him, and put his two legs together again. on his own lap.

"You," this gesture was a little too intimate, Jing Can turned to look at the basketball player, and wanted to pull his legs off, "There is someone."

"Don't move." He Pingyi pressed his leg and asked, "Do you know them?"

Jing Can shook her head.

It should be the nearby college students who came to play basketball.

"Then it's fine," He Pingyi said, "Just sit like this, and I'll help you flick some mosquitoes."

Because of this sitting posture, the small bag containing the medicine was held by Jing Can and placed on her lap.He Pingyi looked down for a while, then reached out to take the bag.

Jing Can didn't want He Pingyi to see these medicines from the bottom of his heart, so when He Pingyi held the bag, he exerted force on his hand and refused to let go.But this kind of struggle didn't last long, He Pingyi just raised his eyes to look at him, and he surrendered without any hope.

The moment the bag left Jing Can, Jing Can's shoulders sank like a building collapsed.

He Pingyi opened the bag with one hand, looked at the medicines inside one by one, then tightly gripped the mouth of the bag, lowered his head, and said nothing.The light in the corner was very dim, and Jing Can couldn't see He Pingyi's expression clearly, so she bent her waist even lower and folded her body into an extreme angle, wanting to see if He Pingyi was feeling sorry for herself.

He stretched out a hand, grabbed He Pingyi's forearm, and tugged gently.

"Today, I went to see a doctor." Jing Can said.

He Pingyi took a breath, as if adjusting his emotions.

"What did the doctor say?"

Jing Can recalled it carefully: "I didn't say anything, I understand everything the doctor said. In fact... I have been studying my illness all the time."

It's like treating yourself as an experimental sample, observing and recording the changes in each stage of yourself.It is said that a long illness makes a doctor, and Jing Can dare to say that her current theoretical knowledge is no worse than that of Dr. Zhao.

"Understandable doesn't mean I can control it. This is what scares me the most."

Thoughts don't rule everything, it's a hopeless and irreversible situation.

"For example, I know that the New Year is my fantasy, but I still think, if I don't feed it, if I don't care about it, can it still live on its own? I always feel that deliberately ignoring what is meant will hurt It’s up to him.” Speaking of this, Jing Can smiled self-deprecatingly, “Am I being funny?”

He Pingyi shook his head, he put the bag aside, and then clasped one of Jing Can's hands in the palm of his own.

"It's not funny," He Pingyi said. "Just looking at the paintings, I think the New Year is cute. If I could see the New Year, I would be reluctant to bear it. As for Xu Hewei... No matter how you say it, he is also a friend who has been with you, you It’s normal to think so.”

Jing Can moved her fingers, rubbing against He Pingyi's moist palm lines.

"But this shows that I am really seriously ill." Jing Can paused for a long time, and the corners of her mouth collapsed at this moment, as if she had suffered a great grievance, "For so many years, I just Keep going in circles, from discovering a hallucination, away from him, to having another hallucination, and getting stuck. I've been careful, but it didn't work at all."

When Jing Can said this, he revealed infinite frustration. He Pingyi squeezed his hand and looked at it for a while, then raised his head and asked softly, "How long has it been?"

How long has it been so lonely and helpless, going around in circles?

"The first time I was told that I was talking to the air was when I was in elementary school. But... the hallucinations should have occurred earlier. On my eighth birthday, my father promised me that if I passed the exam It was very good, and I gave me a four-wheel drive. I woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom, and saw a four-wheel drive on the bedside. I was very happy. I couldn’t wait for the next morning, and I disassembled and assembled it at that time Okay. But when I woke up the next day, I found that the [-]x[-] was gone, there was no trace in the room, it seemed like it never existed. And my dad didn't mention it, like...he never bought it for me That four-wheel drive."

Jing Can's memory of the incident is actually quite clear.Some people in this world remember in the form of text outlines, while others remember in the form of pictures.Jing Can belonged to the latter, and what he wrote down were extremely delicate pictures.So he can still clearly remember every scene related to that incident.Every detail of the four-wheel drive body, where he broke the box, what was on the breakfast table the next day, and he even remembered exactly what clothes Jing Zaixing and Song Yinan were wearing.

The memory is clear, so it keeps replaying in his mind and dreams, and then continues to deepen this memory even more deeply.

"I didn't realize it at the time, but in retrospect, it should be the first time I had hallucinations."

"When you long for something, do you have hallucinations?"

Jing Can nodded.

"[-]WD, friends, tennis, and..."

Jing Can stopped when she said this, and then stared at the two people's hands in silence for a long time.

"What else?"

He Pingyi's other hand kept stirring, and the mosquitoes didn't bother him anymore.

And you.

Jing Can thought so, but didn't say anything.

"There's a lot more," he said, "so I'd be scared."

"afraid of what?"

"Fear of...the future."

Yes, he is afraid of the future.Jing Can never told anyone, and she didn't even dare to say this conclusion in her heart.He doesn't like cowardice, he can give up with rational decision, but he doesn't want to admit that he is afraid.

"He Pingyi, do you know that there is a high probability that this disease will accompany me for the rest of my life. I also know some people who have this disease, including famous people and people close to me. They either suffer from schizophrenia until their death. Fighting, or, because of hallucinations, doing things that hurt themselves or others. They are all working hard, and their families and lovers are also working hard. I am afraid that I will become delirious in the future, and I am also afraid of the people around me Pain because of me."

"So?" No matter what He Pingyi heard, he felt that Jing Can was laying the groundwork for persuading him to return. It seemed to be saying between the lines, He Pingyi, it will be very difficult for you to be with me. Let's not be together. together.

He squinted his eyes, squeezed Jing Can's hand hard, and warned in advance: "Don't say anything like breaking up with me for my own good, or I will be very angry."

Jing Can didn't expect He Pingyi to say that, and was stunned.Then, looking at He Pingyi's tense face, he smiled.

"No, that's not cool at all. I want to say that although I'm still afraid, I want to work hard." Jing Can put the other hand on He Pingyi's and said, "Compared to being with He Pingyi If you break up, it seems cooler to single out the two worlds."

He Pingyi had already prepared a lot of words to teach Jing Can and debate with him, but Jing Can's sudden change of topic confuses him instead.

"He Pingyi, believe me, although I may not be able to defeat it in my life, I will not be defeated by it either."

Jing Can was still smiling. He looked into He Pingyi's eyes from bottom to top, and there was a faint but firm hope in his eyes: "I will work harder, so I won't let you work hard."

Actually, He Pingyi lied to Jing Can, he didn't arrive in Beijing at night.He asked for leave in the afternoon and set off at noon.After arriving in Beijing, he first visited an acquaintance, Wenying—his brother and his own psychology teacher.

Wenying was surprised to see He Pingyi, and asked him why he came here.He Pingyi said that he wanted to ask her some questions.He replaced Jing Can with the title "a friend", briefly described Jing Can's condition, and then asked Wenying: "Do you think his current condition is serious?"

"If you can already imagine this kind of person who has always existed and have a relatively complete story line, then... the situation is already serious. To be honest, schizophrenia is difficult to cure completely, and it is even difficult to maintain the status quo. It's hard. Most of the sick people will get worse and worse. From your description, your friend seems to have been sick for many years..." Wenying said this, and asked, "How old is your friend now?"

He Pingyi moved his mouth, but found that he couldn't open it at all.He stared at the white floor, gritted his teeth and squeezed out the breath that was pent up in his chest.

The room had been quiet for an unknown amount of time before Wenying heard He Pingyi hoarsely say, "17 years old."

Wenying froze for a moment, then frowned slightly.As a doctor, she has always been very taboo to show some negative expressions on her face.But facing such an answer, even her heart throbbed uncontrollably.

A good age doesn't sound good at any moment.

"Then he..." Wen Ying paused and said, "It will probably be very hard in the future."

The excitement on the basketball court gradually dissipated, and I don't know who stayed in this basketball.

He Pingyi squeezed Jing Can's hand, then held up the small bag of medicine and asked him: "Want to eat?"

Jing Can was silent, then shook her head.

"Actually, I don't want to."

He Pingyi put Jing Can's legs on the ground, and pulled him to stand up.Before Jing Can could ask what was wrong, He Pingyi dragged her away to the outside of the basketball court.When passing by the trash can, He Pingyi reached out and threw the medicine into it.

"Then we won't eat."

He Pingyi walked very fast, Jing Can was dragged by him, so he could only trot behind.

He Pingyi originally wanted to go back to the grove they passed by just now, but the emotion in his heart was too hot, and he couldn't bear it when he walked halfway.He took Jing Can into a small aisle next to it with dimly lit street lights, held Jing Can's face in his arms and kissed her in a place out of the light.

He has always known Jing Can's fear, and he has always known that Jing Can is very afraid of dragging himself down.This time he hurried over, in addition to missing him, there was also a reason that he was afraid that Jing Can would think wildly at home by himself, and have some thoughts about what he had or what he didn't.When he arrived at Jing Can's house, He Pingyi became even more worried when he heard Song Yinan say that Jing Can had gone to see a doctor.He felt that Jing Can was hiding something from him, and he was afraid that Jing Can would tell him because of this illness, He Pingyi, I'm not going to get better, let's not be together, I don't want to ruin your life.

But just now, this person who seemed to have little attack power squinted his eyes and said to him with a smile: "I will work harder, so I won't let you work hard."

This kiss made He Pingyi's eyes wet.

How much more effort?These days, he has been thinking about how Jing Can lived before he met him.He couldn't imagine, if the hallucinations appeared when he was in elementary school, then how his Jing Can had faced this terrible disease all these years.

That night He Pingyi slept in Jing Can's room. He hugged Jing Can from behind and asked him: "I don't talk to strangers because I'm afraid they are fake, right?"

Jing Can nodded, and after two seconds, added another "um".

Jing Can was already very sleepy, but she still told He Pingyi all about the past unpreparedly.

"I didn't know about this disease when I was young, but I just felt that what I saw was different from others. I didn't want to be made fun of by others, so I thought of a way, that is, I stopped talking."

Whether it's true or not, he doesn't care.That way you won't be discovered.

He Pingyi endured the sour feeling in his heart and said, "What a stupid way."

Jing Can also smiled, turned around, and kissed He Pingyi's chin.

"At that time, I was too young to tell the difference."

With a soft and delicate sentence, he brought through so many years of loneliness.

"Later, when I grew up, I learned about the disease and summed up some rules myself."

"What rule?" He Pingyi asked.

"Well...the person who showed great kindness to me for no reason when we first met is the person I imagined."

In the darkness, Jing Can blinked.Then he rested his head on He Pingyi's chest.He liked this position very much, because he could see He Pingyi's face and hear his heartbeat clearly.

"But He Pingyi, you are an exception, you have always been an exception."

No matter how hard He Pingyi could bear it, he pulled Jing Can onto his body and kissed her.Jing Can also hugged him back.Both of them were only wearing a thin short sleeve. Jing Can unconsciously moved his hand and touched He Pingyi's waist with his fingers. Through the thin fabric, he could clearly feel the power hidden there. and heat.

"Xiao Can," He Pingyi said softly, "accompany me back to Huihe."

Before coming here, He Pingyi actually thought of many reasons to persuade Jing Can, but at this moment, he felt that those reasons were unnecessary.He lowered his voice, and only whispered four words into Jing Can's ear.

"I miss you so much."