not brilliant

After returning home, Jing Can and He Pingyi maintained the habit of making video calls in the morning and evening.He accompanied He Pingyi to get up early, washed with him, and when He Pingyi went to school, he sat quietly at the desk, sometimes reading books, sometimes writing a few formulas, and more often He curled his legs up on the chair and fiddled with the small cars that had been on his desk.

He is actually very familiar with the days of staying alone in the room like this, and he has come here like this in the past.However, just as expected, he missed He Pingyi very much, so much so that every morning when he opened his eyes, he had to check in his heart whether he still couldn't see He Pingyi today.No one can say this kind of nostalgia, so Jing Can has no choice but to entrust the plastic cart silently, asking it to be loaded with goods again and again, and run over the ever-changing traces.

Song Yinan has always known that Jing Can likes cars. In his impression, when Jing Can was a child, it seemed that the only place that made Jing Can look like a child was the fourth floor of the shopping mall that sold four-wheel drive vehicles.At that time, although Jing Can would not explicitly express her liking for it there, but every time she said she would take him to that mall, Jing Can would dress herself early and sit on the shoe-changing bench at the door and wait.

After all, he is a child, no matter how deep and introverted he is, there will always be a bit of anticipation in his eyes that cannot be concealed.

Standing by the desk, Song Yinan put down the plate of fruit in his hand, and thought about it amidst the sound of plastic wheels sliding over the wooden desk.

She reached out and touched Jing Can's head, and said with a smile: "If you like cars so much, you can go to test for a driver's license in the future. When the time comes, what kind of car do you like? Mom will give it to you."

After saying this, Song Yinan suddenly thought, yes, Jing Can is not yet 18 years old.

Jing Can is very quiet these days.He is very quiet and obedient, he will go downstairs by himself when it is time to eat, he will eat a few mouthfuls of whatever Song Yinan gives him, and when the time comes at night, he will turn off the lights and lie down on the bed.He is emotionally stable, not noisy, not like a patient at all.

Not like a patient, but not like a 17-year-old.

Song Yinan thought about his 17 years old, it was a summer full of "one more bottle", a passionate youth mixed with occasional complaints, it was definitely not like the present, like an old tree, growing old.

Jing Can lifted the hand that was pressed on the small car, because the fingers were pressed for too long and too hard, the edges and corners of the small four-wheel drive car had already sunk deeply into Jing Can's soft fingertips, so that before Jing Can raised her hand, At that moment, the small four-wheel drive vehicle was also taken off the table, and fell in a panic, onto the hard wood.

Jing Can put her hands on her curled legs, and after a silence, she shook her head.

"I can't drive a car." He looked up at Song Yinan, and even squeezed out an ugly smile at this moment, "How can I drive? It's not safe for others."

Whether it's AE86 or Qiu Mingshan Rider, for him, it's just a dream that he can only talk to himself.Because I can't get it, I have been thinking about it for so many years.

Jing Can's face was calmly depressed, Song Yinan wanted to help him get rid of this depression, but when he really opened his mouth, he found that the words he said were actually very weak.

"It will get better in the future."

Jing Can repeated these words in her heart.

He didn't speak, he didn't reveal the cruel reality to Song Yinan.He didn't know if Song Yinan and Jing Zaixing had a correct understanding of his illness, but he knew that the fact is that most people with schizophrenia have to struggle with this illness all their lives.Maybe someone could overcome this terrible monster, but he has never seen miracles.He still remembers the appearance of his American classmate jumping from a tall building. At that time, Jing Can thought that perhaps the best ending of his life would be to live soberly until the end of his life.

Jing Can stared at the small four-wheel drive for a long time, then suddenly raised her head and asked, "Will you send me to a mental hospital in the future?"

Seeing Song Yinan froze and said nothing, Jing Can thought for a while and added: "I mean, in case I get seriously ill in the future..."

"What stupid things are you talking about?" This time, before Jing Can finished speaking, Song Yinan interrupted him hastily, "Why would we send you to a mental hospital?"

Seeing Song Yinan's anxious expression, Jing Can nodded and said "Mmm".

"Did Dad call the doctor for me?"

"That's just a psychiatrist." Song Yinan thought he had misunderstood something, and hurriedly explained.

"Well, I know..." Jing Can said, "But I don't want to watch it right now, can I?"

It's not that he doesn't want to be treated, it's just that there are still many things he doesn't want to understand.He doesn't like to give the initiative to others, he wants to find a way for himself.

In fact, he didn't need to see a doctor to know that fantasy came from desire.So at that time, Jing Can gave up continuing to study, gave up the desire for success, and gave up the desire for friends.

He thought, if he didn't want anything, then there shouldn't be any new hallucinations.

But He Pingyi is an exception.

Jing Can supported the small car again, the wheels rolled again, the car slowly accelerated, and then turned a corner at a very fast speed.

He can give up everything, not to be a genius, not to drive, not to make friends, and nothing in the future, but he doesn't want to leave He Pingyi.

He can only think clearly about this point now, other than this point, things are still vague, he has not figured out how to live his life in the future, he has not figured out...how to do so as not to leave He Pingyi.

"Then don't go." Before Song Yinan could speak, Jing Zaixing's voice suddenly sounded in the room.

Jing Can turned her head and saw Jing Zaixing standing at the door.He didn't come in, and after meeting Jing Can's gaze, he just stood there and continued, "We won't force you if you don't want to go, and we won't send you to the hospital no matter how comfortable you are."

Jing Zaixing is still not very good at saying these comforting words. The words are good, but they are dry in his mouth. If you don't listen carefully, you will feel that they are no different from his usual overly calm statements.

But Jing Can is familiar enough with Jing Zaixing, so he easily extracted the thing called "concession" from his words.Although Jing Zaixing had been at home during this time, it was the first time that he communicated with him face to face about his illness.

Jing Can was stunned for a long time before she nodded and said "OK."

After replying this, Jing Can realized that Jing Zaixing was wearing another home clothes that he had never seen before.Jing Can tilted his head to recall, and suddenly found that after returning this time, he seemed to have never seen Jing Zaixing wearing a shirt, suit and leather shoes again. In the past, this kind of attire seemed to be fixed on Jing Zaixing semi-permanently, but now he He changed into home clothes and sports clothes that he had never worn before.

Many home changes are small, but once noticed, are hard to ignore.For example, the TV in the living room has been put back into operation, more and more warm-toned decorations have been replaced, and people who used to work overtime until late at night began to frequently appear at home...

After Jing Zaixing said this, he turned around and left, Song Yinan shook his head helplessly, feeling that the two father and son were really alike in some ways.When I'm in a bad mood, I keep myself in the room quietly, and don't do anything to vent, just keep suppressing myself.She sleeps in the same bed with Jing Zaixing every day. Ever since she found out that Jing Can was ill, she knew that Jing Zaixing's condition was getting worse and worse. People who used to work regularly began to suffer from frequent insomnia. Several times, Song Yinan bumped into Jing Zaixing Xing stood at the door of Jing Can's room in the middle of the night, facing the closed door, but did not make any movements.

She suggested that Jing Zaixing talk to Jing Can, but Jing Zaixing seldom got the problem of hesitating, and never took any action.

In the middle of the night, Song Yinan woke up in a daze, and found that there was no one around him again.She got up and went to the study, and saw Jing Zaixing sitting at the desk with a few photo albums spread out in front of her.The album is full of photos of their family, all of which were taken by Song Yinan.

Even though the lights were bright, Jing Zaixing's face was still pale.Song Yinan walked up to him worriedly, bent over to look him up carefully, and asked him, "Are you feeling well?"

She put her hand on Jing Zaixing's temple, wanting to press it for him, but Jing Zaixing took her hand with one hand and said, "I'm a little dizzy."

I don't know if it's because of poor rest, Jing Zaixing's blood pressure has been a little high recently.Song Yinan hurriedly brought a blood pressure monitor, and after testing him, he frowned and asked Jing Zaixing, "Do you want to take a blood pressure medicine?"

Jing Zaixing shook his head: "Don't use it for now, I will eat it if I feel the need."

Song Yinan sighed, and his eyes fell on the desk.

On the open page of the photo album, Jing Can is sitting at the desk, rice paper is spread in front of him, and a brush is in his hand.The child looked at the camera with clear eyes.Jing Zaixing remembers very clearly that Jing Can was very interested in calligraphy at that time, and he had to write two pictures every day after school.Jing Zaixing feels that practicing calligraphy is to improve character and character, so he also encourages Jing Can to practice.

Song Yinan looked at the photo, and unconsciously bent the corners of his lips: "Xiao Can was really cute when she was young."

Shui Lingling is a small doll with a pair of big eyes, very well-behaved.

"En." Jing Zaixing touched the photo and said, "Yes."

Song Yinan was right in saying one thing, he had seen so many children, he really couldn't find one as obedient as Jing Can.It seems that since Jing Can was a child, his colleagues often said: "My family is naughty, unlike your Xiao Can..."

"Yes, actually, I've always wanted to ask you, if... Xiaocan can't be a genius in the future, but just live an ordinary life, maybe even he won't achieve the same results as you, can you accept it?"

Jing Zaixing seemed to understand what she meant, and looked up at her.

Song Yinan went on to say: "To put it a bit more extreme, it's like taking a math test, and Xiao Can can only get 45 points in the test. Can you accept it?"

Thinking of something, Jing Zaixing's eyes suddenly became darker.Seeing his reaction, Song Yinan was disappointed for a while, and was about to try to persuade him again, but he heard Jing Zaixing suddenly say: "I was wrong."

Jing Zaixing didn't make it clear, but after being stunned, Song Yinan suddenly understood.

"I should have listened to you."

Regret came too late, and it was too late to look back.

Song Yinan put the sphygmomanometer in his hand on the table, and put his hands on Jing Zaixing's shoulders.

"It's wrong, we can change it in the future."

Listening to Song Yinan's words, Jing Zaixing was silent for two seconds, then shook his head.

In the photo, the dark eyes seem to be looking at him through time and space.Jing Can at that time was still different from now, there would be all kinds of straightforward emotions in his eyes, he would grab his hand and say to him in an aggrieved voice: "Dad, the classmates don't take me to play. .”

But how did he answer then?

Jing Zaixing remembered it very clearly. He patted Jing Can on the shoulder and said to him, "Then study hard."

That's what he said, and Jing Can was very obedient, and kept doing what he said.Jing Can will always be No.1. Every teacher who sees Jing Can for the first time will say to him in a surprised tone: "Your child is a genius, have you taken him to test his IQ?"

The clearly emerging past events made Jing Zaixing involuntarily close his eyes, he suddenly couldn't face such a small Jing Can, and he didn't dare to look directly into those eyes that completely trusted him.

"There is no chance to change it," Jing Zaixing suddenly became depressed, losing the self-control he was proud of for so many years, "he has grown up."

People always say it's never too late to fix a dead sheep.Indeed, if the sheep is lost, it is necessary to make up for it, which can be regarded as a timely stop loss.But no matter how well mend it is, those lost sheep can't be found again. The mistakes have been conceived by time and produced results, and someone has to bear it.

Recently, there seemed to be more people playing basketball on the basketball court downstairs. After taking a lunch break that day, Jing Can heard the sound of the basketball hitting the ground again, so she stood by the window and looked at the small basketball court downstairs.

There was a knock on the door of the room, Jing Can turned her head and saw that Jing Wei had pushed the door open and entered.

Now Jing Wei is no longer so cautious when entering the room, he often runs over to chat with Jing Can.Most of the time it is Jing Wei who speaks, and Jing Can listens, and when Jing Wei says something funny, Jing Can also laughs, but his reaction is always two seconds slower, Jing Wei has finished laughing, Jing Can's Laughter just started.Several times, Jing Can saw Jing Wei frowning and looking at him worriedly—the child didn't say anything, but he was actually very worried.Fearing that he would be bored, Jing Wei even got an easel and put it in Jing Can's room, and taught Jing Can how to draw.

"Brother, what are you looking at?" Jing Wei walked up to Jing Can, followed his gaze and glanced downstairs.

"Basketball court." Jing Can raised her hand and pointed through the glass.

Jing Wei glanced at it: "This scene is not bad, I will draw you a picture later. You see, the tree is surrounded by barbed wire, the tree grows well, but the sunlight can shine through the gaps in the leaves, how beautiful it is. It’s just a pity that it’s too hot and no one is playing.”

Jing Can was stunned for a moment, her eyes turned for a few seconds on the basketball court, and then slowly moved to Jing Wei.

"no one there?"

Jing Wei kept looking out of the window trying to compose the picture, but didn't notice Jing Can's strange expression. Hearing his question, he subconsciously replied, "No one..."

After speaking, he realized something was wrong.He turned his head abruptly and met Jing Can's gaze.

"elder brother……"

Jing Wei didn't think of what to say for a while, and was a little flustered, but Jing Can was very calm.He took one more look at the basketball court, then turned around and stood with his back against the window sill.

"Then don't read it."

Before Jing Wei could figure out what to do, Jing Can had already sat in front of the easel.He patted the small bench next to him and called Jing Wei: "Come and draw."

The two of them were sitting on a small bench. Jing Wei asked Jing Can what he wanted to draw. Jing Can thought for a while and said, "Let's draw a puppy."

He stuffed the paintbrush into Jing Wei's hand: "Come on, your paintings look better."

"Okay," Jing Wei became more focused when he mentioned painting, and he asked again, "What kind of puppy?"

"White, with little curly hair, and round and big eyes."

"Okay, but how you describe it..." Jing Wei raised a hand, squeezed his index finger and thumb together, and gestured, "It's a little bit... common, I'm afraid that what I draw is different from what you think."

Jing Can then took a blank piece of paper from the desk, and drew the outline of a puppy with a pencil: "It's probably like this, it was also...an ordinary little white dog."

"What about the background?"

"Background..." Jing Can looked at the white paper and pondered for a moment.

Appreciating the process of Jing Wei's painting is very enjoyable. The lines and colors slowly converge, and the world on the white paper gradually becomes vivid.Jing Wei finished the last stroke and asked Jing Can: "Does it look good?"

Jing Can nodded.

Over there, He Pingyi was still in class, and the teacher was explaining the math papers.The phone in his pocket vibrated twice, He Pingyi took it out, and saw a picture sent by Jing Can.

After clicking on it, He Pingyi was stunned and typed a few words.

"Is it New Years?"

Jing Can quickly came back with a word: "En."

He Pingyi put down his pen, held the phone with both hands, and zoomed in on the photo.The picture shows a little white dog running in a lush meadow - a large green meadow, the wind blows the grass to one side, and colorful flowers bloom in it.

There seemed to be all the beautiful elements in the painting, but the more beautiful the painting was, the sadder He Pingyi would be.

If possible, he hopes that all these good things really belong to Jing Can.

Jing Can's news quickly followed her up again: "Isn't it cute?"

He Pingyi touched those words, as if he could see Jing Can looking up and asking him this question.There must be a bright light in his eyes, and his face must be cautious, but there must be some anticipation hidden in his cautiousness.

Not wanting to make the person at the other end wait uneasy, He Pingyi quickly typed a few words and pressed send.

"Very cute, just like you."

The last four words made Jing Can blush in front of Jing Wei.Jing Wei sensitively felt that something was going on here, so she quietly moved her head closer to Jing Can, wanting to sneak a peek at the content on Jing Can's phone.

"Hey," Jing Can noticed, and covered the phone on her lap, "Don't peek."

Jing Wei thought he was stingy, and complained: "I can't see how other people evaluate my paintings."

Jing Can patted Jing Wei on the shoulder: "He said it was very cute."

Jing Wei didn't believe it: "Why are you blushing when you say 'very cute'?"

Jing Can choked on him, shut her mouth tightly, and stopped talking.

Anyway, he can't tell anyone.

Jing Wei was still rambling on something, the phone was still vibrating, Jing Can absent-mindedly responded to Jing Wei's words, and then secretly clicked on the chat box with He Pingyi.

Jing Can was stunned when his sight touched He Pingyi's profile picture - He Pingyi changed the profile picture to New Year's.

"elder brother……"

Jing Can stared at He Pingyi's head in a daze, and only looked up when Jing Wei called him.

Jing Wei couldn't help asking: "Brother, who are you chatting with?"

"My...friend," Jing Can rubbed the edge of the phone that was a little hot with her thumb, and asked, "What's wrong?"

Jing Wei shook his head, rinsed the paintbrush in the bucket, and pretended to be more relaxed: "It just feels like he is the reason why you became happy in Huihe."

Jing Can didn't deny it, and didn't answer.

It's not evasion, it's just that after hearing what Jing Wei said, Jing Can wanted to see He Pingyi even more.

Jing Wei actually had a lot of things he wanted to say to Jing Can, he always wanted to chat with Jing Can, but Song Yinan was worried that his child's words were not serious, so he told him not to talk about some sensitive topics with Jing Can.Sometimes Jing Wei can't understand these so-called adults. Anyone with a discerning eye can see that his brother needs the company of others very much now, why the adults are always timid and dare not say anything.

"Brother, I used to think that you were unhappy. Many times I felt that you didn't like this world, and you were even a little scared, but I couldn't figure it out. You are obviously so good, so I don't know how to deal with you. Even the questions are not counted, you can always take the No.1 exam, why are you still unhappy? Now I understand." Jing Wei said, "Now I regret it, my father didn't let me play with you before, I don't You should have listened to him like that, and I should have been pestering you all the time, so you won't be so sad."

Although the relationship between Jing Can and Jing Wei has always been very harmonious, in Jing Wei's memory, he and Jing Can really have very little time to play together, and sometimes he envies others to have his brother take him to learn painting and skating , but Jing Zaixing didn't let him disturb Jing Can, and Jing Can never took the initiative to take him out to play in the future.

"Brother, anyway... I think the person you chatted with just now is very nice."

A few seconds after Jing Wei finished speaking, Jing Can stared at him blankly.Then he lowered his eyelids slightly in the silent air, and smiled: "Yes, very good."

For some reason, seeing Jing Can's smile, Jing Wei suddenly felt less worried.

He breathed a sigh of relief and said, "Hey, actually, I don't think you should come back to Beijing at all. You see, after you come back, you'll be bored in your room every day and unhappy. If you continue to stay in Huihe, it will definitely be worse than it is now." much better."

The painting was completely dry, and Jing Can's eyes were fixed on the tongue of the New Year's pink fan. After a long time, he slowly said: "Everyone has his own life trajectory, and the two trajectories cannot be completely coincident. He was born not In order to cure mine, it is impossible to stay by my side all the time."

After hearing this, Jing Wei frowned in silence.He thought hard about the way to refute, trying to refute Jing Can's somewhat pessimistic words.But after thinking about it for a long time, he had to admit that Jing Can was right.

"Then..." Jing Wei asked, "Even if they can't completely overlap, can't they be closer?"