beautiful him

In March, one day after graduating from high school, Qingju had a magazine shooting job at noon.

"Qingju, the photographer who took pictures for you today is very famous in the industry, please pay attention to etiquette."

"Noguchi Daikai?"

"Yes. He took the first photobook of our company Annai. Mr. Noguchi is very skilled, and his photos can express the personality of the model very well, so Qingju just needs to listen to his arrangements."

After entering the studio, manager Suga and Kiyoju went to greet Noguchi together.

"Ah, Kiyoi. The much-anticipated newcomer to President Yamagata's family, isn't it?"

"Teach me a lot today." Hearing this, Qingju returned the gift like a model student: "Please take care of me."

The filming went very smoothly, and Noguchi also praised Kiyoju as very bold, not like a newcomer at all.Qing Ju nodded his thanks on the surface, but he was noncommittal in his heart.Photographers are eloquent people who don't know what's really going on in their hearts.

"Ah, that's right. Does Kiyomi have a girlfriend?"

When returning to the lounge to change clothes, the manager asked.

"Well, there should be, after all, it is the age of love. Although the office will not force you to break up with your girlfriend, but you must tell your girlfriend not to post photos of the two of you on twitter or ins Oh. Not even a little side-kick."

"I don't have a girlfriend. But I'll be careful."

Hearing this, the manager was taken aback.

"Eh? Why? Qingju must be very popular."

"I don't like women."

The agent suddenly understood.

"Where is Qingju from?"

"Seems to be."

"Ah, yes. I see. Anyway, be careful not to upload photos of two people together."

Qingju didn't know what to say due to the overly skillful response.

"It's all because of those gossip magazines. Even the top idols are afraid of being exposed one day. Now any agency is very strict with its artists. So, does Qingju have a boyfriend?"

"No."

"No one you like?"

That disgusting and annoying face immediately appeared in my mind. "No." Qingju replied.

"There are many temptations in the entertainment industry, you should be more careful."

"Yes." Qingju agreed casually.

On the tram home, watching the scenery fly by outside the window, Qingju recalled the day of the graduation ceremony.

——I also want to meet you after graduation.

Kiyoi took it for granted that Hirara would say that, but that idiot just stood there stupidly.If things go on like this, even if the two of them have nothing to do with each other, Pingliang will probably not take the initiative to approach, Qingju is anxious and angry.Dominated by anger that came from nowhere, he had already kissed Hirara before he realized it.

Whenever he recalls that kiss, Kiyoju's ears start to feel hot.

It sucks.

That would be her first kiss, Qing Ju couldn't believe it.Why on earth would I kiss him?I can't figure it out myself.What if he misunderstands that he likes him?What if he intensified his stalker behavior in the future?

Recalling Hirara's gaze with unique warmth, Kiyoi casually glanced around the inside of the carriage.I always feel that someone is watching me, but there is no sign of that disgusting and annoying man anywhere.Qingju took out his phone from his pocket.Phone calls, text messages, and line, there is no news of that guy.Ten days have passed since the graduation ceremony.

'Call me now, idiot. ' Qingju thought angrily.

**

"Zao, Mommy is back. Is there really nothing else?"

Standing in the narrow entrance of the studio apartment, my mother asked again.

Kiyoi, who entered university, started living alone in Tokyo from today.It was said to be moving, but there were very few things in Qingju, and it was packed in less than half a day.Mother looked worried at the small kitchen.Qing Ju himself didn't care too much, because he didn't know how to cook at all.However, the combined bathtub made Qingju somewhat dissatisfied.Rent in Tokyo is ridiculously expensive.

"It's still very close to home. If you have anything to do, you can come home, understand? You should also eat well in normal times."

"Understood, how many times have I been nagging since morning."

Looking at the impatient Kiyoju, the mother smiled apologetically.

"Play—"

"what."

"sorry."

Faced with his mother's sudden apology, Qingju was a little puzzled.

"Zuan moved out of the house, is it really just for the convenience of going to school and working?"

"……what?"

"There is one thing that my mother still remembers until now. The time when I got [-] points in the exam."

Qing Ju was a little surprised.

"At that time, I'm really sorry."

Qing Ju was stunned, but soon he came back to his senses.

"How many years ago."

Qingju put on a look of not caring.

"But Mom always remembers."

Mother stretched out her hand timidly, touched Qing Ju who was at a loss, and then immediately retracted.

"Then mom is gone, remember to eat well." The mother turned and left.

Back in the room, Qingju couldn't calm down no matter what.Shouldn't mother be sent to the station?But I also feel that it will be too deliberate.Qingju can only force himself to forget.

——Is it true that Zuo moved out of the house just for the convenience of going to school and working?

Of course.Qingju doesn't hate his hometown. Although he did have many lonely and lonely memories when he was a child, Qingju didn't expect his mother to think that he was resenting his childhood.Ah, it's probably because Kiyoi said something sarcastic to his stepfather when he was talking about the future.

——So far, have I caused you any trouble because of my willfulness?

In order to achieve his own goals, Qingju regards the guilt of his parents as the last trump card.Although he knew that what he did was wrong, Qing Ju learned from a young age that any dissatisfaction can only be overcome by his own strength.

Having said that, Qingju never expected that his mother could still remember what happened so long ago.

That was shortly after my brother was born.Unlike the empty homes in the past, as long as Qingju comes back from school, his mother is always at home. Qingju can have a hot dinner with his mother instead of heating it in the microwave alone.My mother, who used to say 'so tired', always smiled softly. "I'm so happy." "I'm so happy." My mother savored the current life carefully and said.The stepfather couldn't stop nodding.So Qingju has always thought so.

This is "happiness".

This is "happiness".

But, "Why am I so lonely?" Qingju couldn't ask.

This happened at school today.The teacher said that today.No matter how happy Qingju was chatting with his mother, as soon as he heard his brother crying, his mother would immediately drop everything at hand to take care of him.

One day, Qingju got [-] points in the exam.And it was the language test that he was not good at.When I got home, I couldn't wait to put down my schoolbag, so Qingju proudly showed the test paper with perfect marks to my mother. At this moment, my younger brother started crying again, and my mother immediately left Qingju to take care of my younger brother.Normally, Qingju would wait for his mother to finish his work, but he just got the first full score in his life, and he could no longer bear his mother being taken away. Qingju strode over angrily and hit his younger brother on the head hard.

- play!

Qingju will never forget his mother's voice and expression at that time.Ignoring Kiyoju who kept backing away because of the fright, the mother hugged her brother tightly and stroked his head.

——Tai Xu, it’s okay, it’s okay.Taixu, be good.good.

With her back to Kiyoju, her mother gently comforted her crying brother.

——Zan is my brother.Why do such an excessive thing.

Mother still turned her back to Qingju, speaking reprimanding words.

Mom, turn around.

Mom, look at me.

look at me.Ne, look at me!

These words could not be uttered, Qingju took the test paper with perfect marks, went upstairs and returned to his room silently.He crumpled up the paper that he was so proud of and threw it into the trash can.Qingju was sitting with her head buried and her knees folded, when there was a knock on the door, and her mother cautiously leaned in.

—Zou, it was my mother who was too angry just now.sorry.

Mother returned to her usual gentle appearance.

——I got full marks in the exam.That's great.Show it to mom.

--never mind.

The mother walked into the room and found the test paper that had been crumpled up and thrown in the trash can. "Why throw it away." The mother carefully spread out the test paper and smoothed it out. "It's amazing. Full marks." "Show it to Dad later." "Find a place to hang it up."

Hearing this, Qingju's tears finally couldn't hold back and fell down patter.Qingju stood up and took the test paper from his mother.Then he tore it to pieces and threw it on the ground and ran out of the house.

Qingju couldn't remember what happened after that.It didn't seem to cause any major commotion, so maybe I should go home obediently when it's time for dinner.Similar things should have happened to families with non-only children.It must be so.However, probably since then, Qingju has changed.

She stopped being coquettish to her mother, and began to dream of becoming an idol and attracting the attention of thousands of people.Is this a form of compensation?Now, I am standing at the entrance of my dream.Could it be that he hasn't gotten rid of the influence of his childhood?

——...too stupid.

Why do you think so.It must be because my mother mentioned things so many years ago.In other words, the single life in Tokyo made Qingju feel a little uneasy.Once the university starts, I won't have time to feel lonely.work arrangements.New friends, new environment.

It's better to go out and play to change your mood.Qingju picked up the phone and lay down on the floor.Swipe through the address book to find friends who also came to Tokyo.Suddenly, the screen stopped at Pingliang's contact information.

After the graduation ceremony, Hirao never contacted him again.

She has already kissed him already, what the hell is he dawdling about?

Call me now.

If you don't call again, I will ignore you.

Qingju looked at the screen angrily.

Do you want to call?

Slowly stretching his fingers towards the screen, Qingju came back to his senses the moment he was about to press the dial button.My mood is too restless tonight.Up and down, left and right, constantly swinging.In this case, it is often impossible to make a correct judgment.You will regret it when you wake up.

"……Aha"

Throwing the phone out, Qingju lay on his stomach and pressed his face to the cold floor.

**

After the filming ended, Kiyoi went to the office to confirm the future arrangements.

"Thanks for your hard work. Qingju, the response to the last photo shoot was very good."

The boss seemed to be in a good mood.She has the vigor and charm that a rookie should have. This is the industry's evaluation of Qingju.It seems that in order to prove that these are not superficial words, some TV crews even wanted to invite Qingju to act...

"Eh? You want to act in a stage play? Does Kiyomi like stage plays?"

When Kiyoi proposed to participate in the performance of a theater troupe run by an acquaintance, the president and manager's faces became a little ugly.

"The stage play is not profitable. It takes time and there is no way to increase popularity."

"There is no performance fee for this performance."

"what?"

Qingju is acting in the form of a friendly participation, and his name will not appear in the advertisement.Just as a surprise on the day of the performance.Stage play is entirely a personal interest of Kiyoju.Hearing this, the faces of the president and the others became even more ugly.Of course.After all, artists in their own company have to work for others for nothing.However, stage plays are very special to Qingju.

"How should I put it, it feels very comfortable to have a lot of eyes on me."

"It's amazing."

The woman who was sitting on the sofa reading a magazine with her back turned to them murmured.When the woman turned around, Qingju was shocked.It's Anna.I didn't expect to meet her in the office.

"Your name is Qingju, isn't it?"

"Yes. Meeting for the first time."

Qingju bowed his head deeply.The entertainment industry takes etiquette very seriously.

"Don't you think stage play is terrible? There is no chance to do it again."

"That's what makes me feel comfortable."

An Nai exclaimed.

"Sure enough, it's as bold as the rumors say. I can't do it. The stage play is too scary for me. Nah, let's have a meal together next time."

Feel comfortable in a natural inviting way.Qingju liked An Nai's acting skills very much, so the two exchanged contact information.Because the president and the others knew that Qing Ju was gay, they didn't say anything.

Whenever Qingju said that he wanted to act in a stage play, the other party always felt very strange.really.There must never be any failed stage play in the world, full of frightening tension.Before the performance, Qingju was always so nervous that his palms sweated.But when the audience's eyes were focused on him, Qingju was extremely excited by the thrill of being only a thin sheet away from fear.

Kiyoi recalled the first time he stood on stage.

Peeping from between the long bangs, the eyes full of enthusiasm.

In the crowd, there was always only one person who was looking at Qingju.

Different from anyone else, that particular disgusting man....

—Don't think about it.

The dumbfounded reflex aroused doubts from the president and manager.

"Ah, no, nothing."

On the surface, Qingju pretended nothing happened, but his heart was already in a state of disarray.

It's almost June, and Pingliang still hasn't contacted him.Qingju has long since ceased to look forward to it.That disgusting and annoying guy, Qingju, didn't care at all.If the other party called Qingju, he even wanted to simply hang up.

About a month into college.For Pingliang who had no news, Qingju, who had been waiting impatiently, had to give in and send a message on his own initiative.However, the message was returned because the recipient was unknown.Calls only come back with 'the number you dialed is currently unused' broadcast.Qingju didn't want to think about that time anymore.

Because he was too angry, Qingju smashed his phone against the wall.The screen of the mobile phone was cracked like a spider's web, and Qing Ju, who still felt that he was not relieved, threw his notebooks and books at him, causing the neighbors to protest.

The last time I was so angry was when I was a child.Unable to vent his anger, Qing Ju had no choice but to get under the covers, clenching his teeth resentfully.What a shame.While I was waiting for the other party to contact me, the other party simply changed the contact method.He was actually dumped by the guy who had kissed him.

That disgusting annoying guy, whatever.I don't have to see him at all, and I have to be busy with school and work.Don't care at all.don't care.don't care.

Living alone after coming to Tokyo is very comfortable.

full of freedom.

But occasionally, an overly quiet home still makes Qingju a little uncomfortable.

Qingju, curled up in bed like a watermelon bug, stretched out his hand and picked up the TV remote control.Immediately after turning on the power, the room was filled with laughter.When I was young, Qingju often relieved loneliness in this way.If I think so, I really still feel lonely, I'm really not reconciled.

——For me, Qingju is the most special.

——Qingju is unique.Different from everyone else.

Obviously looking at me with that look.

Fortunately, I thought he was different from others.

I hate him the most.

If you meet him by chance, you must ignore him.

Thinking of what happened that night, Qingju was still very angry.Angry at myself for being angry about it.Qingju didn't want to delve into the reasons for his anger.If I get an answer that I can't accept, I'm afraid I can't pretend anymore.

***

Waking up from his sleep, Qing Ju didn't realize where he was for a moment.

Eyes surveyed the surrounding environment.white ceiling.Postcards from Saul Leiter on the wall.

Ah, yes, this is my home for peace and good living.After talking on the phone with his mother last night, Qingju accidentally fell asleep on the sofa.I always feel as if I had some nostalgic dream.Feel the breath of morning through the curtains.Qingju got up and was about to go to bed, when he suddenly felt the movement of someone, Qingju was startled.

"morning."

In the dimly lit room, Hirashi was sitting beside the coffee table with his knees hugged and looking at him.

"You're back."

"Well, I'm back."

Hirao works the night shift at the factory.

"...you."

Qingju got up, and sat next to Hirara in front of him.

"Qingju?"

Kiyoi kissed the puzzled Hirara.Is it because of the dream just now?There is still a lingering aftertaste of loneliness and unwillingness in Qingju's heart.After parting his lips, Hirao blinked.

"You bastard, you made me wait so long."

Glaring at him slightly, Kiyoi rested his forehead on Hirara's broad shoulders.

"Qing, Qingju?"

"touch me."

"Where do you touch?"

"Anywhere."

Hirara's hand caressed Kiyoi's back timidly.With Hirao's continuous gentle stroking like comforting, Kiyoju's mood gradually calmed down.How silly.Now.To still have such a dream.

"What time did you get back?"

"It's the same as usual."

"Did you go somewhere else?"

"I want to see Qingju sooner. I'll be right back after work."

"But 30 minutes late."

Kiyoju's tone was like that of an awkward child. 6 o'clock is displayed on the electronic clock of the DVD player.The evening shift ends at 30 o'clock. The factory shuttle bus plus the starting tram will take at most [-] minutes to get home.

"Since I came back, I have been watching Qingju."

"Watched for 10 minutes?"

"Ah."

"Then I forgive you."

Being watched makes Kiyoju feel comfortable.At the same time he felt it was a waste.Since Hirao started working part-time, the time the two of them spend together has drastically decreased.

"Why didn't you wake me up?"

"No."

"why."

"Because it's redundant."

"me?"

"No, no."

"Then what do you mean?"

Hirara looked around anxiously, and his eyes fell on a part of the dark room.

"Will Qingju want to enter there?"

Hirao pointed to the postcard of Saul Leiter on the wall.

Not knowing what Hirara was talking about, Kiyoi looked at the postcard on the wall again.New York in the dead of winter.White of snow and black of asphalt.Gray footprints.People with red umbrellas are walking down the street.Shot from a bird's eye view.The configuration and color matching can be called a world of perfection.Do you want to go inside?

"Do not want to."

"Right?"

Hirao nodded heavily.

"In the world built with Qingju's peaceful sleep, I don't want to join myself, a superfluous person."

Qing Ju understood what he wanted to say, but couldn't understand it.

"Is it enough to just look at it?"

"Very, satisfied"

Don't be satisfied!Consider my feelings!Qingju couldn't help being a little angry.

"Then you, don't you want to take a closer look at my sleeping face, or touch my hair, or kiss me? Most lovers would think so."

With a sullen face, Kiyoi sat astride Hirara's lap.Wrapping his arms around Hirara's neck, he looked down at the dull man.Hurry up and notice.I want you to do these things to me.Don't just tuck your knees in a dimly lit room and watch me, touch me like a normal boyfriend.

But Pingliang's expression darkened.

"It's two sizes—"

"what?"

Qingju felt unhappiness all over his body.

"...Well, is Qingju angry?"

Ah, I'm mad.Because I invite you to sit on your lap face to face like this, but you still refuse.Who would not be angry when encountering such a thing?But because he was too ashamed, Qingju couldn't say it at all, which made Qingju even more angry.

However, Kiyomi could also understand Hirao.

Hirara is unusually obsessed with "watching".

Since high school, Taira's eyesight has been special.With a strange sense of oppression, as long as you turn your head, you can always see Hirara there.The peeping eyes from between the long bangs seemed to swallow Qingju like a black hole.However, no matter how he looked at Kiyoi, Hirao couldn't feel satisfied.

——I want to see more.A little more, a little longer.

—Turn it over, cut it open, and show me every inch.

No matter how hard he chased him away, he couldn't drive him away, only the eager eyes surrounding him.No matter how much you look at, you will never be satisfied.Always ask for more and more.Kiyoju is very comfortable with eyes that are more greedy than anyone else.

Ever since I was a child, I wanted to be watched like this.

I want to be bound and love deeply.Only you are unique.

Hirao miraculously met the needs of Qingju.However, every time it gets to the end, it always deviates from the track.

"...Qingju, I'm sorry. If you tell me why you are angry, I will change it."

"I do not want to say."

Hirao looked desperate, but accepted it immediately.

"That's right. Well, Qingju is not an ordinary person. A mortal like me can't understand it even if he asks. It's like the stones on the side of the road can't understand the mood of diamonds and roses."

--Go to hell.

Kiyoju's anger reached its peak. "A mortal like me"?Who are you talking about?

You are the king of negativity.

Some people always like to say that they are very strange guys, different from ordinary people.However, there are only two types of real weirdos.One is completely unaware that I am a weirdo, and the other is that I feel inferior because I am different from the people around me. I try to be like everyone else, but in the end I still can’t do it, which leads to negative emotions all over my body. people.Pingliang is the former.

And Ping Liang also has his own set of indisputable rules, Ping Liang's actions and thoughts strictly follow this set of rules, but this set of rules completely deviates from the so-called common sense in the world and the thoughts of Qingju.Obviously, I just want to be loved in an ordinary way, which is simply unreasonable.Because he was too reconciled, Kiyomi always wanted to force Hirara to lean towards him.