grandfather's daughter-in-law

I found my notepad when I was packing my luggage. I stroked them gently, and remembered that we hugged each other in the Hualien earthquake, and we cherished each other in the face of death. Not long before that, I secretly wanted to record it for her. Every little bit of life, until old age, we sat quietly in front of the court, couldn't remember anything, and then shared it with her in detail.Now, four thick books have been written.I flipped through the pages one by one, it was not long or short four years.

In November [-], Yu Minxiu became pregnant.I kept running between different aseptic examination rooms in hospitals of various sizes.In the end her belly was getting bigger and I was getting more and more tired.In the meantime, a small incident happened, so small that I almost thought it was insignificant.Lin Jiaxi left without saying goodbye when Ding Jianye and I got married, but she did not leave the city.When Jingnan Jingxian was about two months old, one day I went to buy papaya to promote lactation for Yu Minxiu, and ran into her at the fruit bar.She was wearing flat shoes and holding a floral umbrella, protecting herself well.From the words of the owner of the fruit bar, I knew that she was two or three months pregnant.At that time, I inexplicably remembered that one day, on an unknown mountain, she told me firmly that she would marry Ding Jianye.The world is unpredictable, and she who has never heard of a partner is already pregnant.I watched her disappear into an alley not far from the theatrical troupe, thinking that her departure seemed to have nothing to do with me.

In early April [-], Yu Minxiu's child was born unexpectedly, two months earlier than expected, and much more painful than expected.I made an agreement with Ding Jianye, no, I should have agreed to him, and I will not have any contact with her again. Goodbye is like a stranger.But I broke my promise, and just two days after I said that, I broke my promise.The pace of life alternation is so fast and swift, never giving us a chance to breathe and discuss, it just came in such a hurry and rudely, and I can no longer tell whether it is a comedy or a tragedy.

At the end of April [-], we returned to Yilan from Tainan.That unpleasant history, I have long since forgotten it, because it means so little to me.I just want her, as long as she comes back, as long as she is still with me, I can melt it with my endless love and meticulous care.But I was so apprehensive and scared.I saw the color of blood again, covering the entire sky, and my eyes were bright red.I swear to the sky on my knees, I will correct it.I am a strict vegetarian.I do good every day.The lonely old man under the overpass, I have been seeing him for a month.He is so bitter and dirty, his body is so broken, and he is sick, with a short hanging leg roughly wrapped in a dirty trouser leg, and even the wooden cart he rides in is so broken, simply by Made of several short pieces of wood spliced ​​together.The first time he shook that battered china bowl at me, I was taken aback.I put a hundred yuan into it, and he looked at me in a daze.I thought he would be greedy, and I was even afraid that he was faking and would jump up and grab me, but I saw tears in those cloudy old eyes.It's been a month and he's still so bitter and dirty, but he doesn't look so malnourished anymore.I asked the Buddha, is this considered a blessing?

May [-].Buddha did not answer me.There is a trade-off between good and evil, between good and evil.I can't help but miss her heart.My ecstatic heart is beating every minute and every second for her regaining freedom.Shizuo Jingxian's toothless gums are so cute, Yoon sucks on her nipples, the dewy milk staining her clothes.That thin spring dress revealed the spring spirit on her chest.Their tiny boobs are so lovely, their bulging navels and floppy buttocks are so lovely.She put her face on it, making them giggle and spit out a mouthful of thick milky milk.Shizuo's two strong calves were always kicking around, giggling in my arms, his eyes narrowed into a line when he laughed.Her lips are thin and tender, like sweet and delicious strawberries.Jingxian was always coughing, and her small body was always holding back so that her little face was flushed like a burnt apple.She and I helped them dress and undress, and bathed them, and the soft little body was like a piece of cotton candy under our hands.I watched them choke and clean their diapers.I think that's our child.In the dead of night, when she and I come back from acting, we both hold the two children in our arms, and press a deep kiss on the face of their children, with a sweet and strong smell of meat.I imagined that we were living in a strange place, just like an ordinary couple with two children.But she refused.

Admittedly, it was a happy memory.But she refused, the reasons for which I have completely forgotten.I flipped through the pages back and forth, but the date was interrupted and there was no record.How fragile human memory is in the face of time.For the first time, I became deeply aware that I had once inevitably been a woman and now I was inevitably an old man.I'm not yet 30, but I feel like I'm getting old.

In September [-], her milk dried up so badly that Wang Yugui stewed a lot of tonic soup to no avail, and Jingnan was forced to stop breastfeeding.The child was still too young, only four months old, she was reluctant to separate them, she bought a lot of nutrition powder, but Jingnan was so picky, he just refused to eat it.Her shriveled breasts were already overwhelmed, and finally Wang Yugui decided to take Jingnan back to her hometown.She fed me one last time that day and didn't shy away from me, her breasts drained dry by those toothless gums.She gave everything for them and was separated in the end.Shizuo was taken away.She stood at the door and wept, and Jingxian in my arms kept crying.

In October [-], Shizuo returned.Twins have been conjoined as one person since they were in the mother's womb, how can they live alone after they are separated.After Jingnan was taken away, his body became weak and he was no longer active.Jingxian is even worse than that, her already weak body becomes diseased at the slightest sign of trouble.A month later, Jing Nan came back again.Perhaps, twins are the most loving, and twins are the cruelest.Because from the beginning in the mother's womb, they have carried out the cruelest competition.Jing Nan won, so his body is strong; Jing Hyun lost, so his body is weak.But they are also like-minded, so no one can do without the other.I thought of Yu Minying, that woman who had exactly the same face as her, how she felt heartbroken when she learned that it was this woman who took away her husband.I am extremely grateful for the ruthlessness of the years, taking away the beautiful memories and also the painful past.From now on, my pen will only record beautiful moments.All parting, pain and misfortune will be just an insignificant part of the years, and I will return them to the years.

In January [-], Jingnan was not yet one year old, but she could already say "Mom".This extremely simple sentence slipped out of her small mouth with two front teeth, it was indescribably funny and cute.Yu Minxiu was so happy that she hugged her and kissed her hard all the time.Jingxian looked blankly, those big innocent and fragile eyes were flickering, she could only sit on the floor.She couldn't read anything at all.I picked her up and pressed a kiss on her soft little mouth, sticking to my mouth with sticky saliva.So cute, isn't it?This is her child, her child.Also my child.

In February [-], during this joyful family reunion festival, Jing Nan would say "Hello, Mom".What a well-behaved child.She doesn't know Dad yet.Ding Jianguo came back to see them a few times, only a few times, and did not stay for a long time.In the cognition of those two little heads, this is just a strange person, which means danger, so they rejected him.Jingxian was still learning to speak, the corners of her mouth leaked, and she repeated "Mom, Mom" ​​unsteadily.Every word she said seemed to follow behind Jingnan.Jingnan could say some simple sentences when he was one and a half years old, and Jingxian was still monotonously repeating "Hello Mom", "Babaya" and "Luluda".Yu Minxiu was worried that she might have some birth defects or other defects, but the doctor explained that learning ability varies from person to person, which is not worth making a fuss about.Until later, during the Spring Festival in [-], she finally uttered a complete sentence, dispelling Yu Minxiu's worries.

I don't even need to look at the notepad to remember this incident.It was the Spring Festival, but it was no different from every busy performance day, even busier.Wang Yugui wanted to buy supplies for the New Year, and the two children were put in the background in full clothes.The theater is as familiar to them as home.When they were still in their infancy, they had already started their lives in the theater troupe.When Wang Yugui was not free, they would be placed in a cradle built with wide cloth strips in the aisle leading to the backstage. When passing by, they could be rocked, just like in the arms of a mother, and they would not cry.This is a routine, and they have long been used to it, but that day Jingxian cried so much that her hoarse cries almost rang through the entire backstage, and she staggered out of the backstage.We were all on the stage, and Yu Minxiu played a very important role. Poor Jingxian kept crying like that for an unknown amount of time, and when the scene finally ended, she was already giggling out loud at Madam Ma.

"She said 'Auntie is beautiful' to me just now!" Madam Ma said excitedly to Yu Minxiu.

Of course Yu Minxiu doesn't believe it, because almost all the children learn the first word "Mom" and the first sentence is "Mom is good", even if Jingxian's first sentence is not good for mother, there should be other repetitions For example, "Papa Yalu" or "Lulu Daya", not to mention that she has never said more than three words.

"It's true, it's true!" Mrs. Ma emphasized anxiously, "When I helped her change her diaper just now, she told me that." She kissed Jing Xian on the face and coaxed: "Little Xianxian, be good, Xianxian, and say Auntie Piaobiao again."

Jingxian really opened her small mouth and said "Auntie Piao Piao", the words were still unclear, but we all heard them clearly.She probably wanted to say that Auntie was beautiful, but her clumsy little tongue still couldn't bend it.Even so, Yu Minxiu was already so happy that she hugged Jingxian from Mrs. Ma's arms and kissed her again and again, while Mrs. Ma raised her proud head.Jingxian's first "Auntie" was called me, and I have been sharing this address with Madam Ma since then, but the phrase "Auntie Pretty" made me deeply jealous.We were once in a state of evenly matched strength, and I thought I had the advantage of the right time, place and people, but I lost a complete defeat inadvertently.I am so proud that although I have always shared this title with Madam Ma, most of the time it is mine, and at those times it is unique.In an instant, I could no longer keep up with her pace.Because of this sentence, Mrs. Ma also held a small party and invited me.In a restaurant not far from the troupe, we celebrated that Jingxian could speak a complete sentence before she was two years old.Later, she used this as an excuse (because the first complete sentence that Jingxian uttered was not 'Mom is beautiful' but 'Auntie is beautiful', and it was not other aunts who were beautiful, but said her in front of everyone. This aunt is beautiful), thinking that Jingxian is destined for her, and became Jingnan and Jingxian's godmother.Yes, this may be the reason why she especially favors Jingxian.I was so stupid that I didn't see clearly until now.At that time, what was I confused about?

During those two years, I shuttled between various hospitals, spent humiliating absurdly among various doctors, and spent each pill and bowl of thick herbal medicine.I was obsessed with thinking that all of this was the good reward I got from obeying God's will. The cuter Jingnan Jingxian was, the more I felt that I should give birth to a child as a witness.Destiny is full of such drama. It's ridiculous that when the dream finally became a reality, I couldn't feel the joy of fulfilling my wish after the deep loss.About my child, the seven-month-old child in my womb, I have too many and too complicated feelings, and I can no longer break them down in detail.Maybe the relationship has never been sincere, because I have never been unwavering, I am always in between.It was not my love for a woman that punished me, but my faltering love for a woman.

The notepad started when I decided to record all of this. We are no longer in the story, only Jingnan Jingxian.Until the last page, she and Mrs. Ma took Jingnan Jingxian to the kindergarten, leaving a warm and ambiguous figure in the warm sunshine, like a simple picture, two women with two children, not at all The scene of violation is frozen.When will Mrs. Ma come into our lives?I flipped through the thick notepad over and over again, but found nothing.She is like a ubiquitous and invisible virus, which has captured us before we know it, but we don't know it.Hopefully, it's not just me.

I sat down at my desk and spread out the last page.The blank paper exudes a gentle temperature, just like that ambiguous kiss that was hastily rejected, soon covered by bitter tears.So many so many stories were inadvertently replaced by another woman.Yes, a woman.It's not that she is too high-minded, but that I have been silent for too long.It's just that my silent outburst didn't bring her affection and lingering affection, didn't bring her the love she dreamed of, didn't bring her the happiness she wished for, what she got in exchange was her escaping into another woman's arms.