bad derailment

Depression, what is depression?

The self-harm and suicide in the news flashed through my mind. Those extreme cases clearly had nothing to do with Chen Feng.He only loses control when he encounters emotional matters, and makes incomprehensible impulsive behaviors.Hasn't he always been like this?How could it be depression?

Tang Manyao was lying.But her heavy expression had nothing to do with lying.I remember how she looked when she was lying in the hospital, her eyes were wandering, she could not bear to stare at the floor tiles, but she didn't dare to look into my eyes, it was completely different from now.

I thought it was absurd, too fake, and I couldn't even muster up the strength to expose it. Ignoring Tang Manyao's apologetic eyes, I turned and left.It was rush hour, the shopping mall was bustling with happy music, I found a bench to sit down, and typed the words 'moderate depression' into the search engine.

Depression, depression, loss of interest in everything, weight loss, insomnia...

These words came into view one by one, I put down the phone in a daze, and innumerable pictures about Chen Feng flashed before my eyes.

I thought I had long forgotten.I remember clearly his every word and deed, whether it was before or after the separation.Every time he quarreled, Chen Feng remembered the red eye sockets when he was excited, and he remembered it so clearly.When we reunited, he lost a lot of weight, and the eyes he looked at me were always mixed with a sense of depression and silence that never existed before.I also remember that he had been suffering from insomnia for a long time.

Everything is traceable.His changes were clearly reflected in my eyes all the time, but I didn't pay attention to them at all.Or rather, I never really cared about his change.

After I went back, I gave the clothes to Jiang Qiushi, and they fit him just as I thought.Jiang Qiushi seemed to like it very much, bowed his head and kissed me, and said that he could wait until the New Year to wear it out.I nodded in agreement, and the picture of the New Year's Eve last year when I was with Chen Feng was drawn in my mind. After eating hot pot and watching a movie, a light snow fell on the way back. It was beautiful, just like a scene in a movie.

I don't seem to have given him any presents.

If I had a choice, I wouldn't hold Tang Manyao to ask her that last sentence.Life wouldn't change much if I remained ignorant of the secret.

This kind of thinking is a little too cruel, but the constant thinking about Chen Feng every day is cruel to me.

After the regular meeting in the morning, Editor-in-Chief Feng seemed to be blushing because of his impending promotion.There was a faint hint in his words that he wanted to promote me. As soon as the meeting was over, other colleagues came over to tease me. Zhao Quan also leaned over and threatened to grab my thigh.

I put up a smile to respond to my colleague and Zhao Quan's words, but I only felt annoyed for a while, as if whether I was promoted or not had nothing to do with me.Back at my seat, staring at the densely packed work documents, I turned on my phone, subconsciously clicked into the chat box with Chen Feng, until now, I haven't deleted him.

Countless times to open and exit, I typed out a sentence, this time without going back to the page, and tapped to send.

: Are you in good health recently?I already know it all.

There was no hesitation when he uttered this sentence, nor did he deliberately think about anything.After confirming that the other person accepted the news, I finally felt a sense of relief that the dullness that had been pressing on my heart dissipated. I put down the phone and felt a little indescribable feeling.

I can't remember how many times I've wanted to do this.It turned out that when I actually made it, I didn't feel as guilty and regretful as I imagined.

Chen Feng's reply was only seen when he was off work, and it was sent a few minutes ago, with only a short sentence: Who told you?

Just as he was hesitating how to answer, a call came suddenly.

My heart was beating like thunder, and I pressed the answer button, and Chen Feng's voice came to my ears along with the current sound, accompanied by a long-lost throbbing for a moment.

"Have you gotten off work?"

I thought the first sentence should be a question like in a text message, but Chen Feng said this sentence.The brain was short-circuited for a few seconds, "... just got off."

He let out an 'um' from his nasal cavity, slightly lowered, and his voice was a little deep: "Who told you about me?"

"When I met Tang Manyao before, she accidentally slipped her tongue." I squeezed my phone tightly and couldn't help asking, "Why did you keep it from me?"

A low sneer sounded in my ear, mixed with some amused and self-deprecating, "What can I tell you to change? It's just a small problem. Did you check it online and was shocked by what it said?"

I was a little embarrassed and kept silent, Chen Feng didn't speak any more, both of them were quiet for a moment.He spoke again, with a slightly lower voice: "Lin Yao, why did you send me a message?"

"I just wanted to ask..."

In the middle of the conversation, Chen Feng interrupted: "Should I hang up after asking?"

I held up the phone in a daze, I didn't expect him to be so straightforward, and I couldn't explain why.He said dryly, "Then I'll hang up."

Chen Feng didn't answer, and neither did I, but no one hung up the phone.The seemingly invisible breathing rang in his ears for a long time, and he finally said in a deep voice: "Lin Yao, let me ask you again, why did you send me a message?"

"I..." My voice got lower and lower, and finally it was almost inaudible, "I'm a little worried about you."

I was worried about Chen Feng, and those unspeakable emotions were all generalized as 'worries', falling on my ears and trying to cover up what I couldn't describe.I suddenly regretted picking up the call, and was reluctant to hang up, silently waiting for his answer.

Those things that I really want to say to Chen Feng in the bottom of my heart are all taboos.

It was very quiet next to my ears, so quiet that I almost thought there was no sound, and suddenly Chen Feng said: "Can I believe you?"

His articulation was heavy, as if he was sticking to his ear, he could feel the trembling that he was trying to endure, and the breath that spewed out.Every word is moist and depressing.

"Lin Yao, can I really trust you?"

I couldn't speak, and I didn't understand what kind of answer he needed, so I repeated palely: "...I'm really worried about you."

This is not what Chen Feng wants to hear, I guess.His breathing was heavy and short. After the silence, he said in a hoarse voice, "Xiao Yao, I believe in you. This is the last time."

For a moment, I remembered that a long time ago, I missed my birthday with Chen Feng because I came home late.After the dispute, he whispered in my ear like this: "I believe you, Xiao Yao, I believe you again, okay?"

The last sentence is not that he is asking me, but asking himself.

I responded with a slow 'yes', and there was a busy tone of being hung up on the phone.On the screen that lit up were text messages from Chen Fenggang, a string of unfamiliar apartment addresses.

The countless times in the past did not become the last time, so will it really be this time?

Confusion, hesitation, and desire to see Feng Chen all converged into a strange impulse.I went to the address, pressed the doorbell, and the wait of a few seconds was extremely long.The door finally opened from the inside, and I was caught off guard by Chen Feng's dark eyes, and lost my mind for a while in the silence.

He hasn't changed much, he's still skinny.His brows were filled with gloom that couldn't be shaken off, and he seemed to have learned to hide it. When he saw me, he twitched the corners of his mouth.

"You came."

This sound was suppressed very low, a little hoarse.

The moment I stepped into the house, I suddenly felt breathless, and all the furnishings that came into view were extremely familiar.After I glanced at it, I couldn't take it any longer, and I couldn't help trembling when I turned my head: "How did you... make the house like this?"

The wall clock on the wall, the coffee table in the living room, the glass door separating the kitchen, and even the shoe cabinet in the entrance are all exactly the same as the ones at home.I almost thought that I had come to the wrong place, and I stood still and dared not take a step forward.

Chen Feng said: "If you don't let me go back, can't I decorate the house to be the same?"

I heard this explanation and almost wanted to ask him back, 'Are you crazy? ', after meeting Chen Feng's eyes, he couldn't say anything.Now I finally believe that Chen Feng is really sick, he has already become terminally ill unconsciously.

"...have you ever seen a doctor?"

After sitting down, I dryly picked up the topic.Chen Feng poured a glass of water, without looking up at me, "I've seen it, the doctor said it's not serious, and it can be adjusted by taking medicine on time."

Speaking of the word 'take medicine', he frowned, still showing some familiar rejection as before.I relaxed my tense mood and asked softly, "When did you check it out?"

"During the hospitalization period. The doctor saw that I couldn't sleep every day and was not in a good condition. He advised me to go to the psychiatry department when I had time, so I went. It turned out that I was really sick after the investigation."

After he finished speaking, he himself laughed lightly, mixed with a touch of self-mockery, "Lin Yao, do you think I'm useless?"

I unconsciously clenched the cup in my hand, "It's not your fault..."

"It's really not my fault," he lowered his eyes, covering the flashing darkness, "This is the fault you brought me,"

My heart ached, and I was silent for a while without refuting.

Chen Feng's voice was very low, as if he was telling me to listen, and he was also saying to himself: "Lin Yao, sometimes I feel that you are so hated, and sometimes I feel that I deserve it. We can solve it obviously by breaking up I have to make myself unhappy again and again. Now not only my legs are not healed, but my brain is also troubled. Do you also think that this is my own fault?"

"Chen Feng, this disease can be cured slowly," I comforted a little palely, "It will take so long, there must be time."

He seemed to be touched by one of the words, looked up at me, his dark eyes flashed with palpitations, and said word by word: "Yes, it will take so long. Do you want to come here today to take pity on me?" , after the pity is over, should it be a one-time payment?"

I didn't expect him to think so, and I was speechless.It was a long time before I recovered my voice: "...No."

"Xiao Yao, I really want to trust you again, the last time."

He repeated again, suppressing all emotions in a heavy voice: "Will you break up with him?"

I felt exhausted for a while, pressed the space between my brows and looked away, "Why are you going around this issue again? I've already told you very clearly."

"Do you really think that's clear enough?"

Chen Feng asked back with a trembling voice, as if he was telling all the crimes every word.

"Lin Yao, I know what you think. You want to flirt with others, and come back to me when you get tired. You think I will never refuse, just like today, as long as you send a text message, you will take the initiative Come and get in touch. Do you think I will always wait in the same place? I will always be willing to be cheated by you?"

There was a buzzing sound in my ears, and I moved my lips. The pale words I wanted to say were all ups and downs in my heart, but they couldn't reach my mouth no matter what.

After Chen Feng finished speaking, he gradually calmed down. He stared at me, and his stern words covered his vibrato: "I will not be a third party, nor will I own you with others. This is the last time I will ask you, will you be with me?" Did he break up?"

The whole house fell silent, and the familiar bell rang past my ears.

I let go of the hand that was clenching the wall of the cup, and I froze for a long time before I heard my own voice say, "No, at least not now."

This answer seemed to be expected by Chen Feng.He maintained his original posture, and after a long time passed, he nodded, accompanied by an inaudible laugh, "I see."

In an instant, Chen Feng became a little strange.I want to say something to save the situation in front of me, but I feel that I am not qualified at all.

He looked up at me, as if he wanted to describe everything in his heart with his eyes, and his voice was slightly hoarse: "Let's stop talking about this, or we will quarrel again. You just sit here and stay with me for a while, this request always Easier than breaking up, right?"

I knew that Chen Feng was ridiculing, some unexplained sadness welled up, and I replied 'yes'.He was silent for two seconds, and suddenly asked: "Xiao Yao, I asked you a question before, but you haven't answered me yet."

"what is the problem?"

"During the five years we were together, did you ever like me?" He said, "Even just a little bit."

My heart trembled uncontrollably, and I slowly opened my lips: "I..."

The short voice was interrupted by the piercing bell, the light in Chen Feng's eyes suddenly dimmed, and he remained silent.I quickly took out my phone, and when I saw the name on it, I froze suddenly, thinking of covering it, but it was too late.

"Did he call?"

Chen Feng had already seen it.