Specific gravity

This is a clinic room with bright and clean windows. The main color of the wall is a transitional color between light gray and light blue. There is a pot of green plants beside the floor-to-ceiling windows, and the soothing soft music is like running water.

"Do you still need to add some hot water?" Li Shu asked.

Xuan Zhao huddled in the soft and large fabric sofa, holding a ceramic coffee cup in his hand, and shook his head: "Thank you."

Ten or five years ago, Li Shu would never have used the word "shrink" to describe Xuan Zhao.

She has been engaged in psychological counseling for more than [-] years and has seen countless cases. Among all her visitors, Xuanzhao has always been the most special one.

The first time she saw Xuan Zhao, the child was only eight years old, sitting in a wheelchair, as weak as a grass that could be blown down by the wind at any time.Uncle Gong had already told her about Xuanzhao's situation. He witnessed the death of his grandfather, his mother was insane, and he was permanently disabled. His father ignored him.According to Li Shu's rich experience, for this kind of child who has suffered great trauma, his gaze should be dull, dazed, helpless, or hateful or disgusting.

However, to her surprise, the child in the wheelchair was extremely calm. He showed an extremely good upbringing. He would look into the other person's eyes when talking, smile, keep his back straight, and wrap the glass with a handkerchief after drinking. The water stains on the eaves are wiped dry.

There's nothing wrong with him, and that's the biggest problem.

Li Shu asked Uncle Gong, when did this child stop crying?

Uncle Gong recalled that the young master became seriously ill after attending his grandfather’s funeral. He suffered from severe pneumonia and gastrointestinal stress syndrome. Once he was able to feed himself, he became extremely calm.

For the next ten years, Li Shu has been Xuan Zhao's psychiatrist—it is not accurate to say that, she has not been able to provide any treatment for Xuan Zhao.

Traditional analytic therapy or suggestive therapy focuses on digging out the deep pain in the patient's heart, which is totally ineffective for Xuan Zhao.Xuanzhao does not need others to dig at all. He regards "pain" as a common thing like eating and sleeping. He does not need pain to heal. As a piranha growing from the mud, pain is his best nourishment; behavior modification intervention therapy is even more useless for Xuan Zhao, his behavior has no problem, and his grades are always among the best in school. Elegant and refined, although his personality is a little cold and he doesn't have many friends of the same age, he is not so annoying.

More often, Xuan Zhao came to visit her just to reassure Uncle Gong. They chatted normally, and occasionally shared the books they read and the movies they watched recently.

Until Xuanzhao, he walked into Li Shu's consultation room for the last time. He is an adult and a fully capable person. If he starts to arrange some things, it will bring unnecessary trouble to Li Shu. He will not come here in the future up.

Li Shu was still a little worried at the time, but Xuan Zhao smiled and reassured her that he would not do anything that is not allowed by the law.

Two years later, Li Shu and her husband came to settle in the United States. She and Xuan Zhao occasionally communicated by email, and Xuan Zhao would always send her a generous gift during the holidays.

Then at this moment, Xuan Zhao visited her consulting room and told her a short story.

"I seem to have done something wrong again." Xuan Zhao said.

When he was seven or eight years old, he was calm and peaceful like a calm adult, but when he was 24, he looked more like a child.

Xuan Zhao lowered his head, pressed his five fingers against the cup wall, his fingertips were pressed into a bluish-white color, and his eyelashes hung on the tips of his hair, covering the frustration and annoyance in his eyes.

Li Shu made a pot of tea and sat down opposite Xuan Zhao: "Try this, the white tea brought from China, foreigners like it very much."

Just as Xuan Zhao moved, Li Shu leaned over and took the coffee cup from his hand naturally, freeing his fingers from clinging to the wall of the cup.

"If I were that boy, I should feel bad too." Li Shu said.

Xuan Zhao's breath was stagnant, and he tilted his head and pursed his lips.

This is the first time that Xuanzhao has shown subconscious small movements in front of her, a psychological counselor. Li Shu said in a teasing tone while making tea: "Not to mention what relationship you have before, even if you are a stranger, every day Waiting for me at the school gate, holding a handmade cake and insisting on giving it to me, I will think that I have encountered a pervert, and I must call the police immediately. "

Xuanzhao was startled, and after a while, he breathed out, then pinched the center of his eyebrows helplessly, and said with a wry smile, "You're right."

"What's more, you were once a couple of lovers, and you hurt him deeply," Li Shu tried to make her tone more relaxed, "Does that sound familiar? There are often such things in social news, breaking up The latter scumbags persevere in their pursuit of reconciliation, their behavior is even a little extreme, and they often hurt others and themselves in the end."

".I just," Xuan Zhao stopped, his face pale like a page, and then his voice became lower and lower, as if he was a little ashamed to admit his powerlessness, "I don't know what to do."

Li Shu paused while she was handling the tea set. Knowing Xuan Zhao for more than ten years, this child admitted for the first time that he also "doesn't know what to do".

"Xiao Zhao, you are the smartest kid I've ever seen," Li Shu looked into Xuan Zhao's tired eyes, "Maybe it's not that you don't know what to do, it's just that you haven't had a good chat with yourself yet."

Xuan Zhao muttered and repeated: "Talk to me?"

"Yes, in technical terms, you haven't gotten rid of the state of self-attack." Li Shu poured scalding hot water into the glass, and the tea leaves slowly floated up with swirls. Reconciliation, how can you reconcile with others?"

The tip of the nose caught a touch of warm tea fragrance, Xuan Zhao lowered his eyes: "I don't understand."

"If you want to see him, there is obviously a better way, but you still choose to wait in the open air. You know that your body cannot withstand such a toss," Li Shu said, "Little Zhao, right?"

Xuan Zhao pursed his lips tightly and said nothing.

Of course he understood what Li Shu was talking about, he could sit in the car and wait for Cen Baiyan, or he could wait for Cen Baiyan in the cafe next to the bus stop, but he chose the most stupid way.Xuanzhao had to admit that for a moment, he thought of trading his health for Cen Baiyan to stop.

"You're always attacking yourself inwardly. Even when you love someone, you use this method of internal friction." Li Shu handed him a cup of tea, "It's too extreme."

He's extreme, he's despicable, he's extreme, and he's used to this self-destructive method.

But he really can’t, the book asked him to accept the world, but it didn’t say how to accept it; his mother told him to be brave to try, but didn’t teach him how to be brave; the people who love him in this world Few, he lived alone and grew up alone, and no one taught him how to love people is right.

Xuan Zhao dragged the teacup, his ears were buzzing, and he fell into that strange circle again.

"What do you want?" Li Shu asked him, "Xiao Zhao, ask yourself, what do you want?"

Xuan Zhao's eyelashes moved slightly, he was extremely thin, and the ends of his slightly long hair fell between his eyebrows, making him look even more haggard.

what do i want?

Curly mist rose from the cup, and Xuan Zhao felt a little blurry in front of his eyes.

He wanted Cen Baiyan to know that in Chenxiang Hall that day, he said that he had lied to Cen Baiyan from the beginning to the end, and this sentence was the biggest lie.

The fact that Xuan Zhao has been afraid to face and has to admit is that he also likes Cen Baiyan, he likes it, he likes it very much.

It's just that he has told too many lies, and Cen Baiyan will not believe him anymore.

Li Shu looked at Xuan Zhao who was absent-minded, and sighed silently in her heart.

Speaking of which, Xuan Zhao is also a child she has watched grow up, and she has always sympathized and cherished Xuan Zhao.Xuan Zhao is not born with indifference or lack of emotion, he just cut out the desire for "family affection", "warmth" and "love" in his body. Now there is such a person, let Xuan Zhao Li Shu was very pleased to finally be willing to fill up this place.

Maybe this filling process is slow and painful, maybe Xuanzhao still needs to touch the wall many times before he can figure out the correct method, but he is finally a complete "person".

"Think about it," Li Shu said to Xuan Zhao, "let yourself relax."

On the sixth day, Xuan Zhao did not show up at the school gate.

On the seventh day, when Cen Baiyan left the school, he still subconsciously glanced at the flower bed. It was empty, with no funny butter puppies and no one on crutches.

He must have left, after all, he is such a strong person, these few days are already the limit.

Cen Baiyan pushed back the traces of secret disappointment that floated up in his heart, and at the same time let out a long sigh of relief.

Xu Mingyang and Cen Baiyan went back together, looked around the school gate for a long time, and said in disappointment, "Where is the legendary oriental handsome guy?"

Cen Baiyan pointed to his nose: "Isn't it right beside you?"

".Jesuscrazy!" Xu Mingyang exclaimed, "I reiterate that I have collided with you. It is impossible for us, impossible!"

Cen Baiyan scoffed, "What's wrong!"

After getting off the bus, I bought some ingredients at the convenience store next to the dormitory building. Cen Baiyan walked behind with a plastic bag and lowered his head to sort out the change.Just after entering the dormitory, Xu Mingyang exclaimed exaggeratedly: "God! Is it an angel!"

"Why are you so fucking crazy—" Cen Baiyan looked up and froze instantly.

A coin in his hand fell to the ground with a "dang", rolled around twice, and stopped beside the black walking stick.

Xuan Zhao was wearing a camel-colored coat, with a slender figure, and his hair had just been trimmed, making him look a lot more energetic.

"Bo Yan." Xuan Zhao smiled at him.

Xu Mingyang was dumbfounded: "The handsome guy is Chinese? Do you know Cen Baiyan?"

Xuan Zhao nodded politely to Xu Mingyang: "Hello."

Cen Baiyan couldn't restrain the resistance in his body, and said coldly: "Why are you here? Are you investigating me?"

"No, I just asked where the dormitory for the exchange students is," Xuan Zhao explained. After a while, he thought of something, and added superficially, "I've been in the visitor's room. It's very warm, not cold."

"What else do you want to say?" Cen Baiyan avoided Xuan Zhao's eyes.

Xuanzhao held the cane tightly in his left hand, took a deep breath, and said solemnly, "Bo Yan, I'm sorry."