want to die in winter [be]

I sat there and didn't speak for a long time. I stared at the phone. The chat history in my mind seemed to disappear bit by bit, leaving no trace on the screen.

On the WeChat interface, the last message was "wait for me" from Lu Changfeng.

My breathing began to be difficult, my fingers were trembling and I couldn't hold the phone, and my fingers were tightly covering the position of my heart, as if my brain was about to explode.

I was trembling all over, curled up in a ball, and squatted on the ground.

Tears do not know when has flowed to the corner of the mouth.

I stared at Bai Qiaohe in fear, and even stared at the world.

It is so huge, like an airtight cage, trying to trap me to death.

My throat was blocked, I couldn't breathe, my face was flushed, and all the painful feelings piled up in me like a container.

The world in front of me slowly faded to white, and then gradually turned to black.

Until I can no longer see.

I had a dream. In the dream, there was a car accident. I was seriously injured. I woke up after two or three days of resuscitation. Two other people died, and a passerby was slightly bruised.

After I woke up, I couldn't move my whole body, and I could only make a weak sound.

I asked him how the two people he had sent with me were doing.

He bowed his head and let me mourn.

I asked him again what mourning... means.

My tears wet the pillow, and I realized later that Lu Changfeng would never come back again.

His father didn't complain about me at all, and even came to see me with a fruit basket and played a recording for me.

It was a recording left by Lu Changfeng before his death.

He said, I'm sorry, don't zither, I didn't quarrel with you on purpose that day. My mother died of stomach cancer. Push me away.

Sorry, I really didn't mean to.

I have a bad temper. In fact, I am not gentle at all. I am afraid that you will really ignore me because of this... Forget it, I will tell you when we meet later...

The recording was then cut off.

My eyes were dry and sore as if they had been cut by a knife.

His father said again: "In fact, he has always liked you very much. He wrote you a letter before, saying that he didn't want to go abroad, but... I threatened him. He liked you very much when he was a child, and because you are the same as your school. The boy fought and was stabbed, and he still has scars on his body."

"He thought you didn't want to come back after you rejected him. He never talked about a girlfriend, so I told him that you were in Jingning and had never been in a relationship. He begged me to let him go back to China, and then he came back."

"He's not like me at all. If I can be so affectionate with him, I guess there won't be such a shitty thing."

When his father was young, he couldn't resist the temptation, so he had that illegitimate child.

No wonder they said it was a pity to let the illegitimate child take the position.

It turned out that Lu Changfeng was dead.

He wrote me a confession letter, was injured in a fight for me, begged to return to China for me, and apologized to me for a small quarrel.

Now, he died for me.

I woke up and walked out of the ward in a trance, straight forward, until I reached the end, staring at the number of the last ward.

206.

There is no ward 207 in this hospital at all.

I understand why I can't see his face clearly every time I doi.

I understand why I send him messages every time.

I realized why after I took the medicine, I accidentally deleted the WeChat messages with Lu Changfeng.

I went back to the ward step by step in a daze, and fell asleep after lying down.

I had another dream.

In the dream, I was inferior, cowardly, and not brave, like a devil who would shy away from anyone I saw.

I hid in the house, afraid to go out, socialize, or even take a sneak peek at the person I'd madly want to see.

I dreamed that the sky was dark, the rain was heavy, and the thunder was roaring.

I dreamed that the pink envelope was held by a teenager, and I put it in the mailbox with my heart in mind, and then I was in a good mood all day long.

In order to wait at night, he didn't fall asleep all night, packed himself early the next morning, and waited for me at the agreed place.

I dreamed that the rain fell on him without the slightest pity, his back was firm, his eyes were dark, he was stubborn and persistent.

His clothes were completely wet, his face was not sure whether it was rain or tears, and he stood there all night staring blankly into the distance.

It wasn't until the expected person didn't come that he walked back as if he had lost hope of living.

I dreamed that the road he was walking was dark and endless in the distance, and his figure was gradually swallowed up by the night.

It turned out that I was not brave at all.

He has never been with Lu Changfeng at all.

Bai Qiaohe is very smart, and has been successfully promoted to a full-time doctor in the past few days.

He told me that I was seriously ill and had to be hospitalized.

I know one more thing.

No wonder autumn passed so quickly. I thought that the day I woke up and kept asking the doctor how Lu Changfeng was but didn’t receive an answer, it had been a month since my car accident.

I also learned a lot of things in that month, and I also selectively lost the memory of that month one night.

I cleverly compiled a perfect dream for myself. I never looked at the date, took no medicine, ignored everything, and let myself indulge in this dream.

I used all the things I knew that month to seamlessly fill in my dreams, almost fooling myself.

I lay motionless on the hospital bed, still listening to Bai Qiaohe's tireless exhortations.

I said: "Bai Qiaohe, I killed someone, my favorite person."

Bai Qiaohe frowned: "You didn't kill him, it was Wan Ke."

"But..." My voice was very soft: "He was trying to save me, idiot. He died for me even though we had only met for a month at that time. Is he an idiot?"

Bai Qiaohe pursed his lips: "Don't zither, don't think about it, he won't be happy if you are like this, he saved you just to let you live well, even for him, you have to live well."

I felt a little cold, and I shrank into the bed.

His eyes fell outside the window, the beginning of winter had passed, the outside was frosty and freezing, and the air-conditioning was oppressive.

It's really cold in winter.

I closed my eyes and said, "Okay, I'll treat you, thank you."

After a week like this, I can already walk around, but I don't want to go out, I just want to lie on the hospital bed all day without moving.

The doctor said that walking more would help the condition, so Bai Qiaohe ran over and followed me downstairs to the hospital.

I stared blankly at the frozen trees and the colorless sky, feeling the bitter cold of winter.

Not long after I left, I wanted to go back.

"I want to go back."

Bai Qiaohe sighed: "Okay, let's go."

While going upstairs, Bai Qiaohe suddenly said, "Do you want to raise a cat?"

I have never raised small animals. I used to be too busy to take care of myself, and now I should be even more unable to raise them.

I hooked my pale lips: "Are you kidding me?"

Bai Qiaohe is very serious: "Cats are very cute. I know a friend who owns a cattery. There are very cute and cute cats. They are lively, cute, and soft."

I shook my head: "I can't raise it well, so I don't want it anymore."

Bai Qiaohe had no choice but to say, "Okay then, you have a good rest, I'll go to work first."

I smiled and nodded: "Yes."

In the early hours of that night, there was a piercing sound in the hospital. A doctor saw something and rushed into the ward.

Another doctor ran quickly and shouted: "Doctor Bai!!! Doctor Bai!!!!!!"

They saved me again.

The scene in the ward was chaotic for a while.

On the ground, the white quilt was covered with bloodstains. I was lying on the ground with a knife in my hand, leaning against the bed decadently.

A blue and white hospital gown was covered in blood, and the scars on his arms were superimposed every day.

The nurse on duty couldn't take it anymore: "Doctor Bai! If he does this again, I will collapse. He commits suicide every day...every day. If I don't pay attention to him, he will die!"

Bai Qiaohe was silent for a while, and let them go out.

Then he stared at me and asked me, "What do you want?"

I want to laugh and cry, my mouth is so bitter, I have no energy in my whole body, and my spirit is suffering and tormented every day.

My mind is full of Lu Changfeng, but I find that I seem to be forgetting his appearance bit by bit.

This fact made me miserable.

"I can't live." I cried my lungs cracked and my whole body trembled: "I can't stand it, Bai Qiaohe, you don't understand."

Bai Qiaohe roared: "I don't understand, all I know is that the people Lu Changfeng saved with his life wanted to die, and he didn't take the life of the saved person at all."

I lowered my head, not knowing how to respond.

But, living is so painful.

I thought that I was already muddled enough to go back and forth in restaurants and hotels to make a living, but it turned out not to be.

Bai Qiaohe asked me: "Do you want to die?"

I said nothing.

Bai Qiaohe said: "I will handle the discharge procedures for you tomorrow, don't worry, your life is your own choice and your own business."

After saying that, he turned and left.

I don't know what he told the hospital. I really left the hospital. When I got home, I found out that this villa was originally only my stuff, and I had been using it all by myself.

And those pleasurable sex. Love is something that never happened.

I sat on the sofa at home, and the memories in my mind could no longer be connected together.

Fragments of memories are running around in my head, but they are all related to one person.

I registered a Weibo, where I posted bits and pieces of him and me.

I don't know how they found me, but I really got a few small fans these days.

I took a picture of the sun and sent it

"Lu Changfeng, good morning."

I saw someone asking me in the comments.

【Then he must be in your arms! 】

I replied to this as I never reply.

[He has passed away and gone to another and better world. 】

I saw the girl say sorry to me, and I was lying on the bed exhausted.

Chinese New Year, 2026, Lu Changfeng is already 26 years old.

Holding a black umbrella, I secretly looked at Lu Changfeng's tombstone.

The photo above should still be his student ID card when he was abroad. The boy was wearing a simple school uniform, with a smile on his mouth. The smile on his face could melt everything.

I put a flower here, took another step back, tilted my head, and saw a girl standing in the distance.

No wonder she wanted to call and scold me, no wonder I couldn't hear what she said that day even though the signal in the apartment was very good.

Now, those few words of hers fell into my ears completely.

"It's all because of you that he died, you killed him! If it wasn't for you, why would he go out at night and run into a Wanke car? Do you know that Li Chi beat you because he knew about it? Just terminated the contract with Mrs. Li?! He just took office, and he offended several people because of you. He died at such a young age, and it was because of you that he lost everything! You are a murderer, don’t worry!"

murderer?

She was right, it was all because of me.

She glanced at me and stood in front of Lu Changfeng's tombstone. She was silent for a long time, and the last words that were almost begging were mixed with sobs: "Forget it, please? In the future, can you stop coming and just treat me like I am?" Please don't kite."

I hung my head, not daring to meet her eyes.

"it is good."

Don't see it, don't see it.

I'm dying, and soon, we'll meet in another place.

I still remember that it was a snowy day when I died, and it will be spring in a few days.

I want to die quickly, he likes spring, so I want to die in winter, to prevent people who know me from mentioning me, I have to add that the one named Bie Zheng was found dead at home in one spring.

In winter, it's fine.

It was freezing cold, I opened the window, sat on the edge of the bed and fell asleep for a while. When I woke up, my body was cold and my head hurt.

I looked at the Yaoyang that suddenly appeared in the distance, and the light without temperature shone on the earth.

I turned on my phone and took a photo, and asked why the sun is so hot, but it has no temperature in winter?

Several people sent me a large list of professional vocabulary, which I couldn't understand, so I just kept scrolling down.

I saw a comment from a netizen full of digital IDs, probably because the winter is too cold and the sun is suffering.

I gave him a like, and posted another Weibo saying, thank you for following me, and I will not post Weibo in the future.

The girl who first followed me replied: Did something happen in the [-]D dimension?

I replied: It's not a big deal.

It's just that I want to die.

Girl: Are you in a better mood!

I replied: Thank you.

Girl: Just be happy!Come on, there are still many beautiful things in the world.

After reading this Weibo, I quickly canceled Weibo.

Now I am dark, ugly, pale and helpless, like an underground insect repellant, without seeing the light of the sky all day long.

I'm afraid of warmth, and I don't want to wait for someone to use my account to post on Weibo saying that the blogger has passed away after I die.

I don't even want to leave any trace of me in this world.

After logging out, I pursed my lips with satisfaction.

I want to die in winter.

Then, I got my wish.

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