prefer silence

The first time I had sexual awakening was because of Chen Zheng.

At that time, I was just in the second year of junior high school, curious and ignorant about lust.One day when I was going home, I ran into Chen Zheng, who passed me by on his skateboard.

The wind picked up a corner of his clothes, and before I could call out Brother Zheng, he had slipped away.

I thought, he looks so cool on a skateboard.

That night, I had a wet dream. In the dream, Chen Zheng was skating on his skateboard and smiling at me.

Then I slowly, slowly fell in love with Chen Zheng.

After I failed to confess in my freshman year of high school, I was depressed. My mother was terrified. I confessed to her that I liked boys.She was sad for a while, but finally accepted it.

When I went to college and same-sex marriage became legal, my mother was happier than me.Then I confessed to my family that I have always liked Chen Zheng, and my parents strongly opposed it.

When Chen Zheng came out to his family because of his lover in college, he turned the family upside down. My family, as neighbors, of course knew.

And my dad is Chen Zheng's teacher, so he knows a little more.

Chen Zheng was inexplicably accused of murder in his senior year of college. The reason for everything was that his boyfriend You Yu had offended a pervert from the same school.

The pervert wanted to take revenge on You Yu, so he targeted Chen Zheng.When Chen Zheng was imprisoned, You Yu just got an offer from a British school, and Chen Zheng had to stay in China because of his criminal suspicions—they had made an appointment to study in the UK together, but You Yu went alone in the end.

After the truth came to light, in order to make up for Chen Zheng, the school went through the postgraduate protection procedures for him again, and Chen Zheng stayed at the school for graduate study.

From the time Chen Zheng broke up with You Yu to the time he graduated from graduate school, he has never been in a relationship again.

I confessed to him again, but he still refused.I always thought, if Chen Zheng and I try it out, will he like me?

I still insisted on being with Chen Zheng, but my parents couldn't hold me back, so I talked to Chen Zheng's parents about it, and the two hit it off immediately, and Chen Zheng fell into my clutches.

Today Chen Zheng finally pointed the sword of justice at my claws.

I don't know how things came to this point all of a sudden, and I can't explain it.

How should I explain it to him?I am afraid that he will divorce me and want to have a common child as soon as possible?

I can't say that, and I don't intend to say it.

"I'm sorry, brother Zheng, I want to have a child so much. I didn't consider your feelings. I'm sorry. Just pretend that I didn't mention this matter today. The application will be automatically revoked when it expires."

Chen Zheng went to the guest bedroom without looking back, and I was stunned for a while, then hid in the closet of the bedroom and cried secretly.

That night, I dreamed of Fangfang again.

After that day, Chen Zheng and I started a cold war.

He will still go home on schedule and send me messages when he gets home late, but he just won't talk to me.Every time I walked up to him and wanted to say something to him, he turned his face away and ignored me.

But I also like him like this, because now he is too like a rebellious middle school student who is arrogant and awkward.

I have always regretted his youth without my participation. The most I have seen of him is mature and serious.

This cold war was suspended because of the Chinese New Year.

During the Chinese New Year, we behaved as if we were alone in front of our parents. Once my mother's birthday party was over on the fifth day of the Lunar New Year and we returned to our home, he would ignore me again.

I was both flustered and anxious, afraid that our already fragile relationship would collapse.When I think of Chen Zheng spending time with his love rival day and night, I feel even more distressed.

There was really no other way, I even called Lao Zheng and asked him to keep an eye on Chen Zheng.Lao Zheng didn't ask any further questions, and he agreed with all his mouth, but he let Chen Zheng know in a blink of an eye.

Chen Zheng turned around and satirized me and said, "Would you like to buy a monitor and stick it on my collar?"

I'm a little desperate, has Chen Zheng decided that I'm an arbitrary and self-willed person now?

Was all my hard work in the past two years in vain?

The day before the Lantern Festival, Yu Qingshan said that his client gave him two tickets for a private art exhibition, which will be on the next Sunday afternoon, and asked me if I wanted to go.

I often have nightmares recently, and the unhappiness with Chen Zheng also gave me a headache. I just wanted to relax, so I agreed to him.

After nine o'clock in the evening, Chen Zheng knocked on the door of the master bedroom. I happily thought that he was willing to reconcile with me, but in the end he just came to tell me that he had something to go out.

"What is it?"

He didn't seem to want to tell me, so he left.

Not long after he left, I received a message from him, which read: A friend was drunk at a bar, and the bartender called my cell phone, so I went to check on the situation.

I was happy and felt that he still cared about me.

At 10:30, Chen Zheng hadn't come home yet, so I was a little worried, so I sat on the balcony and waited.

I can see the garage door from the balcony of our house, and if he's back, I'll know it.

Fortunately, I didn't wait long before I saw Chen Zheng's car approaching slowly, but the black car didn't drive into the garage, but turned a corner and drove onto the road next to it.

I was so puzzled that I put on my down jacket and went downstairs.

I fumbled along the route of Chen Zheng's car, and finally saw it.

It stopped at a building, and the bright street lights illuminated the two people huddled together, Chen Zheng and You Yu.

You Yu leaned on Chen Zheng's chest, Chen Zheng supported him, they were talking about something.I couldn't see their expressions clearly because they were too far away.

It would have been great if I had felt the pain and bounced back when I saw this, and went straight home, but my feet had already taken root there, and I just watched You Yu raise his head.

Their lips touched, as if lingering.

Chen Zheng didn't push him away.

So I seemed to be the kid I was nine years ago again.

The child squatted under the steps foolishly, counting how long they had kissed, and weeping miserably.

But this time I won't count, and I won't cry.

I figured out a lot of things at once.

One day after Chen Zheng's birthday in September, the figure I saw on the balcony was indeed You Yu. He may have just returned from England, or he may have been back for a while.

On the rare day when Chen Zheng returned home early, he said that he would drive to help his new colleague move. The new colleague must be You Yu.

On Christmas Eve, he said he would work overtime, but he was actually reluctant to part with You Yu.

You Yu had a stomachache, Chen Zheng was so anxious to send him to the hospital, he didn't even want to say a few more words to me.

You Yu lives in the same community as us, and they can drop in together on their way to and from get off work every day.

You Yu was drunk, and Chen Zheng went to pick him up. I was afraid he would be dissatisfied. After getting married, he has never been drunk outside. Every time he drank a little wine, he would call a substitute driver when he returned home. How could Chen Zheng ever think of coming? pick me up?

I turned away blankly, pretending to be a strong person.

No, I can't continue watching.

Mom said I was stupid and stubborn, and I was.

Because of my wishful thinking, I hurt my dad. My dad has always felt ashamed of Chen Zheng. He was originally Chen Zheng's benefactor, but now it seems to be the other way around.

I hurt my mother, my mother took me away from the bad guys, gave me a home, gave me warmth, and gave me tolerance, but I always made her fearful.

I hurt Chen Zheng, Chen Zheng clearly has someone in his heart, but he wants to marry someone he doesn't love, he is so strong, he should feel very shameful being restrained by me.

I laughed lightly, laughing at myself that I would not die until the Yellow River.No, seeing people getting back together and kissing, I couldn't stand it and wanted to give up.

I have to admit that I have wasted more than two years.

It's not yours, and you can't grab it, I said to myself.

The author says:

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