There's always someone who thinks about my vests and they're fighting

[Hei Shizai's perspective]

I give you thin streets, desperate sunsets, and wild moons.

I offer you the sorrow of a man who looks long and long at the lonely moon.

……

I give you my loneliness, my darkness, the hunger of my heart;

I try to impress you with confusion, danger, failure.

――Borges "What can I use to keep you"

"Don't go! Odasaku!"

In the darkness, Osamu Dazai woke up suddenly, and he found his hand was stretching forward, as if trying to grab something.

Dreaming again.

One day, two days, three days...

Osamu Dazai reached out and groped for the knife marks on the bedside table, counting silently in his heart, even though he was already familiar with that number beyond recognition.

Since the death of Sakunosuke Oda, Osamu Dazai would draw a mark with a dagger on the bedside table every night.

There seemed to be traces left in his heart.

It turned out that seven days had passed.

Everything is as vivid as yesterday.

"Why do you have to go? Odasaku..." Dazai Osamu murmured in the dark, "Can't... stay for me?"

Osamu Dazai suddenly covered his eyes.

he knows.In fact, he already knew that he couldn't keep a person who was determined to die.

However, even so, I still want to try and try again.It doesn't matter if you expose your heart.His confusion, his loneliness, his longing, all can be opened to him and told to him.Since it's Odasaku, I can do anything.

However, Oda Saku chose to leave.

Odasaku has been away for seven days.

Sometimes Osamu Dazai would deceive himself and think: Oda Saku just left temporarily, and we will meet again.

For the first time in his life he was unwilling to say the word death.

Osamu Dazai stood quietly in the darkness for a long time, then suddenly opened the window, he looked up at the moon, and the voice of Oda Sakunosuke seemed to echo in his ears: "Man is born to redeem himself..."

So, go to the bright side.

With Odasaku's wish.

Help the weak and rescue the orphans.Be a good person.

Osamu Dazai smiled slightly, the moon in the sky was reflected in those iris eyes: In this way, when we meet again, I can keep you, right?Oda work.

[Butei Zai's perspective]

Someone came into the silence and abandoned me.

Alone is not alone now.

You talk like night.

Declare yourself as a desire.

――Pizanik "Encounter"

"Long time no see, Odasaku."

Osamu Dazai sat on the ground with his back against Sakunosuke Oda's tombstone. He looked up at the sky and talked about his own affairs: "I listened to you and came to the bright side. It really feels good."

"Now I have a job in a detective agency. Mr. President is an honest and good man. Although I don't know why I am always hated by cats, I still insist on taking Xiaoyugan out. Maybe I hope to meet a cat who is willing to let me Petting kitten... Eh? Speaking of which, Mr. President is surprisingly cute."

"My current partner is a bespectacled man named Kunikida Doppo, who looks like a gentle teacher, but is actually a violent man like a dark dwarf—haha, just kidding, Kunikida Just a fool who is easy to deceive..."

"...In the detective agency, I admire Mr. Ranpo the most. He is really a very powerful person. He obviously has no supernatural powers, but he seems to be able to see through everything..."

"...Miss Akiko is also a lovely person. Although she is violent at times, she is unexpectedly soft-hearted..."

"Also, a newcomer came to the detective agency recently, he is a well-intentioned idiot..."

"...In short, everything is going in a good direction."

It's just a pity that you are not by my side.

You took me out of loneliness, gave me a reason to live, and then abandoned me.

Osamu Dazai leaned back against Oda Sakunosuke's tombstone, closed his eyes, and let the breeze blow his face.

He recalled that at that moment, Oda Sakunosuke stretched out his hand and tore off the bandage that was wrapped around his face and covered one eye. The slender bandage fell to the ground lightly, and Oda Sakunosuke's hand finally fell powerlessly to the ground.

He didn't cry then.Not now.

He's just very quiet.

Quietly, quietly.

He quietly accompanied Oda Sakunosuke.

In the cemetery of Oda Sakunosuke, the wind is also very gentle, gently stroking his hair, reminding him of Oda Sakunosuke's hand.

"I'm doing fine now, Odasaku."

Osamu Dazai closed his eyes and smiled.

...just, occasionally, I miss you a little bit.

"Mr. Dazai!" Atsushi Nakajima ran over panting, "Eh? Are you sweeping the grave?"

Osamu Dazai opened his eyes suddenly: "Do I look like I'm sweeping a grave?"

Atsushi Nakajima didn't understand, so: "Isn't it?"

Osamu Dazai did not answer, but asked softly, "Hey, would you like to guess whose tomb this is?"

Atsushi Nakajima scratched his head: "Mr. Dazai likes someone, right?"

"...Why do you think so?"

"Because Mr. Dazai looked really gentle when he leaned against the tombstone." Atsushi Nakajima sighed and asked curiously, "So, is it really Mr. Dazai who likes someone?"

"If it was the opposite sex you like, you would have died together long ago." Osamu Dazai looked up at the sky and said with a smile.

"Eh? Did I guess wrong?" Atsushi Nakajima was a little surprised.

Osamu Dazai didn't admit it, nor denied it: "Let's go, Atsu-kun."

Osamu Dazai stood up, walked in front, and left the cemetery without looking back.

Goodbye, Oda.

【Leader Jae's perspective】

I see myself forgotten like those old anchors.

When the dusk docks, the pier is particularly sad.

My life is weary, fruitless hunger.

I love what I don't have.You are so far away.

― Pablo Neruda, "Here I Love You"

What does Odasaku mean to Osamu Dazai?

Osamu Dazai would ask himself this question sometimes.

Odasaku.

He is a warm and illusory dream, a mouthful of sweetness that makes people long for it, and the moon that is out of reach in the sky.

As beautiful as it is, it doesn't belong to me after all.

So be it.stop here.

No one knew that at the moment before the fall, Oda Sakunosuke's back that was fading away appeared in Osamu Dazai's mind.

very good already.

It is enough to be able to read the novels written by Oda.

Let this world where Oda Saku can live and write novels exist forever.

During the few seconds of falling from the top floor, the wind whistled past my ears.Osamu Dazai closed his eyes, death opened his arms to him, and he showed a somewhat childish smile after a long absence.

To Oda Saku, the me in this world is like a shooting star passing through my life?

Maybe it will leave a little trace, but it will be fleeting.

Maybe it will be forgotten soon, and thrown in an inconspicuous corner of memory.Over time, it gets dusty.

But, as a shooting star, I finally fulfilled your wish, right?Oda work.

Well.so cold.

It turns out that death also has temperature.

At the last moment when his consciousness was about to blur, Osamu Dazai seemed to see the familiar red-haired man staring at him calmly.

Oda work...

Obviously, the decision has been made from the beginning, but I still feel a little regretful.

How wonderful it would be if I was greeted by a hug instead of your muzzle in the bar that day.

If you once had a hug, at this moment, it is enough to keep you warm, right?

Now, just think you owe me a hug, Odasaku.If the next life really exists, remember to return it to me.

Goodbye, Oda.

[Occasion of this world · Orita]

I love you,

For you have made my life infinitely better than beliefs,

For you have made my life more joyful than fate.

And you do all of this,

without any effort,

a word,

a hint,

you do all of this,

just because you are you,

after all,

This may be what it means to be a friend.

―Roy Clift, "Love"

"... Oda Saku!" Osamu Dazai exclaimed, waking up from his sleep, he jumped up from the bed with a whoosh, ran to the next door and knocked on the door of Oda Sakunosuke's room.

"What's the matter? Dazai." Oda Sakunosuke quickly opened the door, his hair looked a little messy, and two locks of dull hair were raised high.

Osamu Dazai looked terrified, danced and spat out a bunch of gibberish characters: "&%#*￡......"

Oda Sakunosuke was silent for a while, and noticed Dazai Osamu's foot on the ground, he took a step back and signaled Dazai Osamu to enter the door: "Come in and say."

"Woo - Oda Saku, you don't know, I had a super, super terrible nightmare!" Dazai Osamu stood beside Oda Sakunosuke's bed, gesticulating with his hands randomly, as if he was still in shock.

"Sit." After such a short time, Oda Sakunosuke had already taken a pot of hot water from the wash.

Osamu Dazai sat on the bed unceremoniously, and complained to himself: "Let me tell you, it's really scary—"

Osamu Dazai stopped in the middle of speaking.

It turned out that when Osamu Dazai was speaking, Oda Sakunosuke squatted down naturally, stretched out his hand to hold Osamu Dazai's ankle, and gently wiped Osamu Dazai's dusty soles with a freshly twisted hot towel, and then put them on the ground. Back on the bed, tucked into his own quilt.

Oda Sakunosuke looked up at Osamu Dazai seriously, and asked in a flat tone: "So, do you want to sleep with me? Dazai."

From Dazai Osamu's perspective, Oda Sakunosuke's blue eyes are like a sea full of moonlight. Although he has a very plain expression, he looks extraordinarily gentle and tolerant.

Osamu Dazai covered his face, his cheeks were flushed, the heat continued to rise, and his head began to smoke. After a long time, he said in a low voice: "...that's too foul, Odasaku."

"Stay at ease, Dazai."

"……it is good."

Oda Sakunosuke packed up the towels, and when he came back, Dazai Osamu had already retracted into the quilt, only his head was exposed, his cheeks were slightly flushed, and those beautiful iris eyes were staring at him with sparkle.

Oda Sakunosuke originally wanted to bring another quilt over, but saw Osamu Dazai take the initiative to lift a corner of the quilt, with a look of anticipation: "Oda Saku, come in!"

Oda Sakunosuke stopped in his tracks, and returned to his bed in a calm manner.

At first, there was only one more person in the bed, and then there was another person in the arms.

"Odasaku's blanket is so warm..." Osamu Dazai rolled around on the bed and fell into Odasaku's arms, "Odasaku's body is also so warm..."

"Stop talking about your nightmare, Dazai." Oda Sakunosuke felt Dazai's body clinging to his chest, moved his fingertips slightly, and said such a sentence inexplicably.

Osamu Dazai raised his face and smiled at Oda Sakunosuke: "Hey, I wanted to say it at first, because I was very scared. But when I thought of Oda Saku by my side, I suddenly became less afraid. So I don't want to say it anymore."

"Oh, this is very good." Oda Sakunosuke suddenly felt an indescribable relief in his heart, and he asked softly, "So, do you need me to turn off the light?"

"No!" Osamu Dazai resolutely refused, "I want to watch Oda Saku."

"It's bed time, Dazai."

"Then Oda Sakunosuke hug me to sleep." Osamu Dazai blurted out subconsciously, after realizing what he said, he buried his face in Oda Sakunosuke's neck with some embarrassment, and suddenly fell silent.

As we all know, the word "hug" has a deeper meaning in Japanese.

Fortunately, Oda Sakunosuke didn't seem to think wrong.

and many more.

Did you really not want to be crooked?

In any case, Oda Sakunosuke's attitude naturally embraced the body that was clinging to him.

Osamu Dazai curled up in Oda Sakunosuke's arms, quietly listening to his heartbeat.The two cuddled quietly.

Osamu Dazai couldn't help laughing suddenly, shaking with a smile.

Oda Sakunosuke looked down at Osamu Dazai worriedly, and asked softly, "Are you crying, Dazai."

Osamu Dazai denied in a low voice: "No, I won't cry. I'm just very happy. Very happy."

It's so warm, Odasaku.I'm so lucky.

"Good night, Odasaku."

"Good night, Dazai."

The author has something to say: it's friendship!Friendship is so sweet! (Unconsciousness)

After all, I still couldn’t write the knife I wanted. Basically, it was the realistic portrayal of Heishizai, Wuzhenzai and Chief Zai plus psychological interpretation (only represents personal understanding).

No knife, all reality.

...Thinking about it this way, I was a little hit by the knife qwq

The title is taken from the following two verses:

I am neither alive nor dead, I know nothing,

When I looked at the center of the light, there was silence.

——TS Elliott "The Wasteland"

I am a man of despair, a word without echo.

Lose everything and gain everything.

Last cable, my last hope babbles and sings for you.

In this barren land of mine, you are the last rose.

- Pablo Neruda, "Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair"

And, "Here I Love You" by the leader Jae and Neruda is so good to cry!Please read the entire poem! ! !

I love you here.

The wind unwinds itself in the dark pine forest.

The moon glows phosphorescent over the wandering water.

The same day chases and entangles each other.

The mist spreads into dancing shapes.

A silver gull slipped from the western sky.

Sometimes a sail.High, high above the stars.

Or the black cross of a boat.

Lonely.

Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, even my soul is wet.

The sea spoke from afar, and spoke again.

This is the port.

I love you here.

Here I love you, and the horizon hides you in vain.

I still love you in these cold things.

Sometimes my kisses board those heavy ships

Sailing from the sea to unreachable places.

I see myself forgotten like those old anchors.

When the dusk docks, the pier is particularly sad.

My life is weary, fruitless hunger.

I love what I don't have.You are so far away.

My boredom wrestles with the slow twilight.

But night came and began to sing to me.

The moon turns its disc of dreams.

The biggest stars look at me through your eyes.

And because I love you, the pines in the wind

with their needles shall sing your name.