living sacrifice

I walked out of his office with my feet fluttering.

I have never been popular at work, because I never like to flatter and flatter people, and I put this kind of snort directly on my face.Such a person cannot be tolerated in society at all.

It never occurred to me that I would be a supervisor.Thinking back on my journey, I was forced to leave the group’s internal audit post because I didn’t fit in; I applied for a military medical university, but I didn’t want to be outsourced, so I hired someone else; it’s easy to be a leader in a small company, but I don’t want to be in I have worked in a small company for a long time, because I will inevitably become the little secretary of the big boss later; in a big company, there are shrewd people everywhere, so where is my role as a "dumb bird"?

So I am the kind of person who is unpopular no matter where I am, whether I am high or low.Now, this salted fish finally has a chance to stand up. I thought it was God blessing me.

I remembered that when I was applying for a proofreading job, I had an idea in my heart: Maybe I will have the opportunity to contact other more important positions in the future.

Now, this idea has really come true.

I gradually changed from being confused to being happy, and then the whole person was lifted up, and I reported the "good news" to my mother.

She said: "Let me tell you, you just love to think wildly. Isn't this very good? Has the salary also increased?"

"Thanks and praise the Lord, that's for sure. God is faithful, and He keeps me."

"It's all about the Lord, I think you're bewildered. It's great to have a new job, do you like it?"

"I don't really understand what this position is for. To be honest, I don't want to do it in my heart. I think I need more time to study God's way, but since it is arranged by God, I'll do it."

"The salary has also increased, and I have become a supervisor. I don't think there is anything wrong with it."

People probably think so.

I don’t want to listen to people’s ideas, and I don’t want to listen to my own ideas. What I want to know is God’s ideas.

I prayed: "Lord, if this matter is not from you, please stop it. Because I really don't want to waste my devotional time on work. Wasn't it just to have more free time when I changed jobs? Lord Ah, just like when you blocked me from going to the podium last time, if this matter is really not from you, I would rather give up my salary and this position, and I would rather offend the leader, please tell me the Lord.”

I prayed, prayed, and prayed for almost three months. When my transfer notice came, the Lord did not give me any answer.

So I can only go to work and do it with anxiety.

One person holds two posts, and the proofreading is extremely quiet, while the news director is extremely restless. It's as if the Android system and the Apple system are running in me at the same time. You can't imagine how busy it was at that time.

The craziest time was when I was urging me to review the manuscript quickly, and at the same time urging me to get the reporter’s nucleic acid test done quickly, while still sending me manuscripts to review in a steady stream, and I had to rotate on holidays and weekends I have to go to work, the day shift and the night shift. All the work is mine, and I have to cover for others even for things like distributing newspapers.Some lazy people don’t do what they should do every day, so they leave it to me; some people urge this and that all day long, and ask me to print photos for her; Back; I can't find the leader, I can't find my colleagues...

I think what kind of broken supervisor am I?Why did you do it so sadly?

Of course, I have the right not to do these things, but at the same time, I feel that every time I shirk, I feel like I am sorry for God, so sometimes I really suppress my anger and do good things there.It's very legalistic, but I can't help it, I don't have any good ideas to get out of this situation, I pray about it every day, and I am really tired and weak afterwards.

Sometimes I was really cornered, and I was so angry that I was dying, so I prayed, “Aren’t you a god? Why are you teasing me like this? I said a long time ago that I don’t know whether this matter is from you or not. You must stop me, why do you tease me like this? I don't want to do it, I don't want to do this kind of work."

After moving to a new office, I have been regretting it.

I was really devastated. In the past six months, I prayed to the Lord countless times: "Lord, if this work is really not from You, please take it away. I am in too much pain here."

"Lord, these two tasks are simply not human. I need to pay attention when proofreading, but they keep interrupting me."

"Heavenly Father, why don't you come and teach me? You can even tell me why. If I am really wrong, I am willing to repent. You know that. Why don't you even say a word? It's because I Did you make a mistake there? Are you punishing me for saying the phrase 'the stronghold of evil spirits'? I really regret it, if I knew it earlier, I wouldn't have said it, what business do they have to do with me?"...

I was walking in the dark, and I didn't know why. I had no purpose. Even the Lord who saved me from the fire and water seemed to have gone somewhere.

I broke down, I was in pain, I prayed hard and softly, I tried everything, but nothing happened.

It was as if the Lord had really forsaken me.

The battle in the spiritual world caused by being questioned by Sister Zhao, the physical weakness caused by blood donation, the depression caused by inhuman work, plus I have already suffered all kinds of tribulations, such as divorce, homelessness, and continuous reduction in wages , work pressure, inability to pray, inability to read the Bible...all these seemed to come towards me like a huge wave.Can you imagine what I encountered in such an environment?

I even thought of the words of the Lord Jesus on the cross: "My God! My God! Why have you forsaken me!"

At that time, I experienced the pain of the Lord Jesus subjectively for the first time, although I knew that my pain was not a drop in His ocean.But for me, it's already hard.

At that time, I really abandoned those previous views on women's rights. For the first time, I knew that women are really weak, and I am really weak in front of these things.I really know that the Lord said that "women are weak vessels" is not discriminatory, but merciful and gracious.

I wish the Lord would give me more love and care just because I'm a single woman.

I also sometimes pray: "Lord, do you really like to see me like this? I have no way to testify for You anymore. I have lost my joy."

I sometimes pray, "Lord, for the sake of a woman, have mercy on me. Because you say women are weak vessels."

Various habits of my own natural person surfaced at this time, and I wanted to use my strength to bear witness and work for the Lord, so that I would not appear useless before God.

Although I quarreled with Sister Zhao and the others because of my calling, I didn’t have a calling and went to do some “serving” online because I was so desperate at that time. I just wanted to do something for God to prove my own value.

I answered various questions from others on the Internet. Some of the answers seemed good to me, but the Lord didn’t use them later, and blocked the answers through some people’s hands.

I made a Christian board game set, and I couldn't stop, I couldn't sit down, trying to make myself look useful with all kinds of busyness, including evangelism.But my board game was thrown in the corner by the church brothers. The beautiful gospel tracts I made were thrown in the warehouse because the church was closed, and no one used them.

I was very angry: "Why don't you use my dedication? What did I do wrong?"

But I was very afraid. I was afraid that the Lord would tell me, "Why are you angry? If you do well, won't your consecration be accepted?"

Only then did I realize that being able to serve God is a person’s supreme honor, and nothing in this world can be exchanged for it.I began to slowly look forward to having the opportunity to serve God, but the Lord never gave me this opportunity for a long time.It makes me sad.

I think it is an honor to be able to serve God, even if it is just a small thing.

Later, the church rented a room and needed someone to clean it, so I signed up without even thinking about it.I need service so badly.

That time, I cleaned all afternoon, and my back hurt again, and I could hardly stand up.

The sister smiled and said to me: "You look like this, it means that the family does not do housework."

I didn't want to mention the back injury, but just told her: "I really don't do much housework, and I need to learn slowly from the Lord."

"Then you have to do well at home and exercise more."

There is no malice in what a sister says, and I am glad to be told so.

From then on, I gradually realized that studying the way of God is not just about theory, but about housework at home, the needs of the church, the needs of people around me, and asking for help from strangers... these are all things I need to do.

It's so hard.

I tried my best to do good, but the more I did good, the more I found that I was farther and farther away from God, and I couldn’t restore the original intimate relationship. I really didn’t know how to be saved.

And when it comes to doing good, I'm really clumsy.At that time, an old man asked me if I had a disposable water cup, or another sister reminded me that I could give him my water bottle.Without her reminding me, I would never have thought of it. I just thought that there was no disposable water cup in my bag, so I answered him no.I can't even do good deeds.

The gap between God’s standard and my own behavior is too great, and it is impossible for me to achieve it in my life, which makes me very disappointed.

Lost, helpless, hesitant... My spiritual life stopped growing. In the darkness, I was so blind that I couldn't even see a little light.

At the beginning of 2021, I could no longer bear the heavy workload in the unit, so I asked the department leader to leave.

At that time, it was less than half a year since I left my job as a news director.

Everyone knows the meaning of this position, it almost means being trained by the leader, so when I proposed to leave, the department leaders, personnel, the old leaders downstairs, and other people who knew it all came to ask me why .

The head of the department asked me: "Why? Is it because of the working atmosphere here?"

I am very grateful to him, and I also told the truth: "I don't think the work itself is suitable for me, and it has nothing to do with you."

"Is it because our department is too boring?"

"The atmosphere in the department is a bit boring, but it's not mainly because of this. I'm not very interested in this job. At that time, I only agreed to the big leader to try it. Now after trying it, I still feel that it is not suitable for me."

He talks badly to me, but how can I be so easily persuaded by others?Since I proposed it, it means that I have already decided.

"Well, since you have already decided. But you have to wait for a while, and the job change may not be so fast."

After I told him this, I really felt that a burden was lifted from my heart. I was really like a cargo compartment, which was full and was about to fall. At this time, even if I threw away a burden, I felt happy.

How happy I was when I decided to leave this post!It was as if the Israelites who were enslaved by the Egyptians were finally leaving Egypt.But would Pharaoh let them go so readily?

According to the normal process, I think that after I submit the application for transfer, I should be able to transfer within a month, but because the small leader said so, I think it will not be possible for about a month.

A month later, there is no news.

I asked the department leader, and he said that we would wait for the interview.At that time, the interview was still a month or two away.Which means I have to wait a month or two.

In the meantime, my proofreading work continued to increase, and I repeatedly declined, but they did not allow it, and I had no choice.

You Yan kept coming to urge me to attend the party. At that time, I was no longer against the party. I really wanted to attend the party.However, every time it's party time, the day's work will be particularly busy.I also don't understand why.

In the evening, the strange thing is that no matter how busy this point is, I can basically rush to the party after get off work.But because I was too tired, I was reluctant.

The work in the unit became more and more heavy, and sometimes I was asked to work overtime on Sundays. I did overtime once, for an idol's concert.Everyone was excited, the hall was full of his fans, but I was sitting there sullen, and then the day was over and I couldn't wait to go home.

A colleague stopped me: "Why did you go back? After a busy day, don't you want to watch a show?"

"I'm not going. It's not interesting."

"Tickets for Zone A! It's a pity not to look at them, isn't it?"

"No, bye."

On that day, not only could I go in and out of the backstage, pass by the dressing room, but I also got a ticket for the front row.But I am no longer interested in these idol stars. I still remember how I used to be when I was chasing stars. I still have a celebrity’s WeChat in my mobile phone.I understand those kids, but I don't want to be involved with these things anymore.

For three months, I thought it was my limit. For this reason, I kept praying, praying to God every day, and begging him to let me get out of here.But nothing happened.

Then, nine months later, everyone was rumoring that I couldn't change.

How ridiculous?There was supposed to be an interview at the end of March, but because of me, even the entire company's interview was rescheduled.I struggled for a long time before I was willing to admit that the environment in front of me was given to me by the Lord, and He did it on purpose.

At this time, I no longer dare to say anything to complain about others, and sometimes I want to pray, "Why are you torturing me", and I swallow it after praying halfway, because I know that such an attitude is wrong, but I don't know what is right .I don’t know why the Lord Jesus, the merciful and loving Lord Jesus, would treat me like this? !