living sacrifice

Before I believed in the Lord, I was a child of disobedience, with evil spirits running in my heart.

When I met him, I had a girlfriend and he had a boyfriend.Our complicated and messy relationship started because of the physical marriage.Formal marriage is formal marriage, only the form of marriage, without the essence of marriage.This kind of marriage was cursed by God from the very beginning, but at the beginning, we all made choices based on reason.

At the age of marriage, the mother has been forcing marriage.

I was forced into marriage for seven or eight years. When it was serious, I arranged blind dates for you every week. Sometimes I quarreled so much that I almost wanted to run away from home. Can you imagine such a day?

We both thought we thought things through, so we agreed that if we didn't change our minds after a few years, we would get married.We negotiated everything, including his adoption, and we thought we could hide it from the family.

Since I chose a physical marriage, it means that I cannot have a wedding room, but I am not worried, because everyone has supported me since I was a child, and I believe they will help me unconditionally.Plus I have a girlfriend who loves me and I thought she would support me.

She was hesitant, saying that she had no financial strength either, but she promised to work hard.But I only saw her verbally agreeing, but she didn't do anything. One year, two years, three years passed, and when my parents pressed me hard and I had to come up with a plan, she told me the bad news: she She can't support me in buying a house, and she can't even pay a penny for renting the house.

The news hit me like a bolt from the blue, and I began to take this relationship seriously.

My friend also said: She is just hanging on to you, she is not sincere, she just cries, only you are fooled by this.

Her expression chilled me.We fought about it for half a year, and finally I got tired of it.

At this time, she repeatedly asked me if I didn't love her or if I fell in love with someone else.I feel like an old man in a marriage relationship, but I'm not an old man. If you don't come to help me at a time like this, you're still making trouble. What do I like about her?

I was exhausted by living without hope. We often lost contact for a long time, and there was nothing to say on the phone.It's true that I don't love her anymore, but I haven't fallen in love with anyone else at that time, I'm just tired of such a relationship.

During that time my social life was very dark and chaotic, although I was not satisfied in the circle of women, but I didn't want to compromise, I wanted to find the right man for myself according to my own method.

My heart is so sad as I have to face that dark, chaotic time today.But I have to write, this is an account to the Lord, and it is also an account to people. I always have this burden in my heart, because there are still many people who are like me.This is written for you.

If a person has never been a homosexual and asks the homosexual to repent, the first reaction of the homosexual is to feel that this person discriminates.But I used to be gay, just like you, there is no discrimination, I just tell you out of love to face up to this world you are facing, this world is full of lies of the devil.

I'm tired of my original relationship, but I didn't break the contract with the physical marriage, because I think breaking the contract is not good, and I also need this cover, I still want to find a woman.

In the office of more than thirty people, I saw her at a glance. She is very handsome, with fair skin and exquisite facial features, no less than a TV star.I feel the "feeling" of heartbeat coming.

But I'm not sure if she's willing to accept me, after all, a lot of times we just have fun in our own circle.

I started to approach her, I knew her name was Zuo Anran, and I also knew that she had a boyfriend, but she and her boyfriend often quarreled and had a bad relationship.I began to chuckle, thinking that there was a chance, this kind of thinking was really strange, but during the whole process of contacting her, I felt that my brain was not on me.

I became friends with Zuo Anran, and she was also very curious about me. What she was most curious about was: "Why did you leave the bank and come to our place? Isn't the bank's income much higher than ours?"

I answered her naturally: "I don't think life is just about money. I had many opportunities to make a lot of money, and I gave up because I knew that was not what I wanted."

"Do you know what you want in life?"

"Of course. I want to flex my muscles in writing. I think literature is my destiny."

"You're lucky. I don't even know what I want."

I was very happy to talk to her, and I told her all the strange things that happened to me, hoping to get her attention.

I seemed to fall into that kind of relationship all of a sudden, knowing that it was unlikely, and my reason prevented me from doing it, but I felt that I hadn't felt in love for a long time, and she was the first one in a long time who caused I "feel" people that I need to give it a try.

I often eat with her and talk to her about the strange stories that happened to me.

"My friends and I went to Xinjiang to play, and the things we encountered at that time were thrilling! I also met a fox on the mountain."

"Wild?"

"It's wild. There was a strong wind on the mountain, and there was a torrential rain. My friend asked me if I should go forward? I didn't know how far I had to go, but I had already gone far behind, so I hesitated. But the thunder struck me. On the grass next to us, lightning struck around us, so we ran all the way in fright. When we went down the mountain, the flood was behind us, and we didn't even dare to turn our heads. But we ran all the way down the mountain until we were at the foot of the mountain, When I ran into a pavilion, I was so frightened that I hugged the pillars of the pavilion, and the flood water passed by my feet and separated along the pavilion where we were.”

"It's so thrilling..."

"There are even more thrilling things. At that time, the driver called us and asked where we were. We said we were still on the mountain, but he said that we had to find a way to go down the mountain by ourselves, because there was also a flash flood at the bottom of the mountain, and the chassis of the car was gone, so he couldn't drive. Coming up. We have to go down the mountain, we have to go through several places with water currents. The water currents are big and sometimes small, and when they are big, they are enough to wash down the cows. My friend is very reckless. She wants to rush when she sees the water, but I suddenly I grabbed her, and at this moment, a flood rushed down from the mountain with a bang, which shocked both of us. We didn't dare to move after that."

"Then what should we do?"

"I was very calm at this time. I looked up at the sky. I saw the dark cloud leaving quickly, so I said to my friend: It's okay. When the white cloud comes over and reaches our heads, we can go."

"how do you know?"

"She also asked me how I knew. I don't know how I knew. But then Baiyun really floated over, and she didn't dare to leave when I pulled her. But I pulled her over together."

"Is this the real thing? How come it's made up?"

"It's true. But we were unlucky. After we left the first mountain torrent, we went down and found that there was a second one. At this time, even I didn't have the courage to go again. We were caught between two torrents. In the middle, there was a dilemma. At this time, I thought to myself: If only there were horses.”

"Really? Is there really a horse? Impossible! You are lying!"

"A horseman, riding one and pulling the other, really came over our way. We were so happy that we went to negotiate with him, but he said that the two horses had to be brought back to the stable first, but he told us Don't worry, he will come back. We really didn't want to tell him to go, but there was no way.

We waited and waited and waited and waited, thinking that he would not come, and it was getting dark. We were shaking all over, and even our underwear was wet.But at this moment, the shepherd took his friend and two horses up the mountain.He sat behind me and my friend sat in front of his friend.The two of them took us through the flood just like that, and some of their friends were whistling beside them on motorcycles.It was the most beautiful painting I have ever experienced. "

"Wow... I really envy you, how can you have such a life. Your life is like a novel, unlike mine, which is so plain."

"I envy you. You are so pretty."

After hearing my compliment, she blushed a little, lowered her head and smiled embarrassedly: "No girl has ever praised me like this, and you are the first girl to praise me like this. Do you know? I don't have any friends of the same sex around me. The opposite sex, they all come to chase me. I also hope to have friends of the same sex like you."

"Then let's be friends." When I said this, what I thought in my heart was "Let's start as friends."

Zuo Anran doesn't have a good relationship with her boyfriend. She often chats with me, but every time she chats, she is lost in thought.Later, I gradually learned that she was living with her boyfriend, she loved her boyfriend very much, and wanted to marry him, and they had a relationship before, and they were rushing to get married.But she found out he was cheating.

"Such a person is absolutely unacceptable! If there is a first time, there will be a second time!" I resolutely made a conclusion for her. Firstly, I really think so, and secondly, I have selfish intentions. I hope they can break up .

"Hey..." The look on her face disappeared, and she stared blankly into the distance.

"You have such good conditions, there is no need to hang yourself on a tree. There are so many people who are willing to love you!"

"Hehe, but it's different."

"What's the difference? He cheated on you, why do you keep him? A woman should have some ambition!"

"Hey... I have been with him for six years! How can we say that there is no relationship for six years? Have you had such a long relationship? You can't understand it. "

"I don't have such a long relationship. My longest relationship is only three years."

"That's been a long time. Are you still together?"

"No, we broke up." I lied.

"Don't talk about me, talk about you. Why did you break up?"

Why did we break up?

I guess all I can say is why I don't want to be with her anymore.Freezing three feet does not happen in a day.Moreover, she was able to ignore me when I needed help the most. I don't know why I still hang on.

But we didn't break up, she didn't mention it, and I didn't mention it. What is this kind of relationship like a stranger called?I hate being a bad person who breaks up first, I don't know if she thinks the same way.However, our being together has no meaning anymore, and in my heart it is no different from breaking up.

Looking at Zuo Anran's eyes, I thought I should make up a story now, and I said, "I'm going to buy a house to get married, or at least rent a house, but she doesn't want to pay at all. Do you keep such a person for the New Year?"

"Why is he like this? For such a man who has no responsibility, it's better to share it."

"...Well." I didn't dare to answer more, for fear that I would slip up.

Zuo Anran sighed and said: "Actually, we didn't buy a house either. We still have to face many things to live in Shanghai. Maybe it's really my problem, I pushed him too hard."

"How can this be your problem? Isn't buying a house just needed?"

"I thought the same way, but I didn't consider his feelings. His family is single-parent, and his mother is far away from his hometown. It is impossible for his family to give him money to buy a house. I live with him every day, but not only can I not help him Sharing, and forcing him to buy a house every day. After a long time, who do you think can bear it? Also, I am really not as good as you think. If he cheated, I deserve it, because I cheated on him first. "

I always feel that novels are higher than life, but even when I write novels, I always go straight in and out. How can I make up such a bloody thing?I was at a loss for words.

She looked at me, smiled disappointedly, and said, "I'm a very bad woman, right? You don't have a good impression of me, do you?"

"No la."

"I cheated first. I cheated on him once, and he cheated on me twice, so we're even."

"How can this be evened out! Isn't he one more time than you? You can't say that. I believe you have a reason, and he shouldn't treat you like this. "

"Can I stay at your house tonight? Is it convenient for you to receive me? No, I can find a hotel." She asked me.

I felt a "click" in my heart.She wants to live in my house?

Restraining my excitement, I pretended to be calm and told her: "Okay, I'm the only one in my family."

I always feel that cheating is very shameless, including gay cheating is also very shameless.But I'm really tired of that same sex couple who won't even help with the rent.I have no relationship with her for a long time. My heart has been dead for more than a year. I have rarely had such "passion" like today. I decided to give myself a new start and welcome new feelings with a new start. .But I don't know how to break up decently, and it's when I owe something.

On the same day, I frankly went to my ex.Because I didn't know how to break up, I directly said to her: "Let's break up."

It has been a long time since my ex responded to the message so readily, and she quickly said to me: "I know you are going to break up with me, and I have been prepared for a long time, but I didn't expect it to happen so quickly. Are you Are there other people in S city? They broke up, give me a reason. I have been arguing with me for more than a year, do you already have someone there? "

"I didn't come to quarrel with you today. I have no one, and I'm still alone. I'm just annoyed with you, because you won't even help me with the rent. Should I carry such a big burden alone?"

"I've already told you about my difficulties. We are now in two cities, and I won't be able to get out for a while."

"So there is no need to repeat it again. We have been arguing about this topic for half a year. Let's break up."

"Okay. You were the one who broke up first. Lin Xiao, you are really a selfish person! I hate you!"

I didn't read her message again, I just felt relieved.

Zuo Anran is coming to stay tonight, so I deliberately piled up all my things on one bed, leaving a big bed and two quilts.This is good for girls and girls, and there is nothing wrong with sleeping together.

I have been cooking and waiting for her since eight o'clock. She sent a message saying that she would not eat dinner and told me to eat and sleep first.I didn't sleep, and kept waiting until one o'clock in the morning, both eyelids were fighting, and the fire in my heart also came out a little bit.

"Are you coming tonight?" I texted and asked.

"Sorry, I might be a little late today. I'm still drinking at the bar and I'm a little drunk."

"Are you drinking at the bar so late? Is there anyone around?"

"No one, just me."

"How dangerous! Where are you drinking? I'll pick you up."

"No, just send me your address. I'll be leaving right away. I'll call you when I'm about to arrive. I called, don't worry."

But I can't fall asleep, I'm afraid I won't be able to wake up if I fall asleep, and I missed the call, where should I tell her to sleep alone in the middle of the night?I just waited until three o'clock in the morning, when my cell phone rang suddenly.

"Lin Xiao, are you asleep? I'm at your door."

I rushed out, opened the door, and saw her standing outside the door with a sleepy face and makeup on.

She has cried and put on makeup.I was too sleepy, so I didn't ask any more questions. I pointed to the new towel and the new washbasin and said to her, "Wash up and sleep."

"it is good."

I didn't notice what time she went to bed. I was so sleepy that I locked the door and fell asleep.

But when I woke up in the morning, the sun shined on my face through the curtains. Looking at the delicate face beside me, I was suddenly in a daze, thinking: Can I be with her in the future?Is it possible for both of us?

"Why are you staring at me?" she said suddenly.

To my surprise, she was awake.

We really didn't have anything happened, maybe she took me as a friend from the beginning to the end, but then she also knew my secret.

She broke up. On the day she broke up, the only one who was sad was herself, because her ex-boyfriend probably felt relieved, and those who chased her, including me, felt that the opportunity had come.It's as if a live chicken was thrown into a group of starving crocodiles, and the crocodiles scrambled for it, almost biting their companion's hands and feet.

"There are several people chasing me now, and I haven't made up my mind yet. I don't want to look for handsome people anymore, and handsome people are unreliable. There is a doctor who has a good career, but I don't agree with him. Call. There is another boy, he is a few years younger than me, and I think he is too young and immature. But there is a 35-year-old who is too old..."

In fact, I can see that she still misses her ex-boyfriend, but she is too chilled by his behavior.I tentatively asked her: "Haven't you considered me?"

"Huh?" She turned to look at me.

"It's nothing, just kidding." I quickly cleaned up my "joke".

But Zuo Anran is a smart person, she thought for a while and asked me: "You don't like women, do you? Well... I didn't mean to judge you, I just asked... You don't have to answer if you don't want to answer."

"Hmm." I said bluntly.

Neither of us spoke, we went our separate ways.

After a while, she said, "I guessed it. The way you looked at me that morning felt that something was wrong..."

"So what if I really ask you?"

"I just regard you as a sincere friend, but I never thought about that. I'm sorry, if I hurt you, I apologize to you, but I think it's better to say this kind of thing clearly, so as not to give you any thoughts. "

"It's okay, I'll just ask casually." I said so, but I didn't feel so refreshed in my heart.

I broke up because of her. If she hadn't appeared, I'm afraid the original relationship would still be hanging like this.I broke up with my ex because I cheated on my heart, and now I am rejected by the person I cheated on. Isn't this karma?I just didn't expect the retribution to come so quickly, I didn't expect Zuo Anran to reject me so readily.This is another double payoff, because I broke up with my ex very readily.

"Then we can still be friends?" Zuo Anran asked me.

"Yes, why not."

"That's good, I'm afraid you will feel embarrassed."

"What's so embarrassing about me?" I'm still ashamed.

I was very sad in my heart. I thought I was a winner in life. Because I broke away from the relationship I was hanging on, and the girl I liked around me just broke up. I felt that I had new hope.But later, I suddenly lost the sustenance of Zuo Anran, and even lost the original feelings. Of course, I will not go back to the grass, but I feel empty in my heart.

I am also reflecting on myself, I know that there is nothing wrong with what I have done in this matter, but I don't know what I am looking for.

In fact, even if I didn't choose to break up, I can't be satisfied with my original life, so what else can I do?Work, salary, position, relationship, hobbies, charity...

Yes, there was a time when I was fond of charity, but that didn't make me happy.Since none of these can fill the void in my heart, what am I missing?What am I looking for?

"What do you mean people are alive?" she asked me.

I thought she couldn't find the meaning of life, so I told her: "I think I live for literature. My dream is to use the pen as a knife to save the souls of the world."

"It's nice to have a dream, I really envy you."

But what I didn't think about was that this question appeared again later, and it was asked through another person's mouth.I never thought about it, in fact, the person who really doesn't understand the meaning of life is me.

It was not they who asked me this question, but God asked me through their mouths: Lin Xiao, what is the meaning of your life?

My unrequited love is over, and logically speaking, I don't have anyone I like, so I should turn back at this time.But I don't, because I want to be free, I don't want to be controlled by my parents, and I don't want to be in contact with men who don't understand women. I still choose physical marriage for the sake of freedom.

Because I chose a physical marriage, I always made up some "love" stories for her every now and then, pretending that our relationship was heating up.

My mother often said: "When will you bring the boy home to see! How many times have I asked you, why didn't you answer? Marriage is a major event in life, you must be careful!"

I am really cautious, and I also know that marriage is a major event in life, and I don't want to get divorced.But the problem is, at that time, I decided that I didn't love men, and I thought that physical marriage was the only "royal way" that could save me from my mother's forced marriage.

"Hush, urge, urge! What are you urging me to do all day long?"

"You don't know that we are worried about you! You heartless child!"

I don't know how to put it, I really have no conscience.My parents have raised me since I was a child, so that I can work hard, earn money well, and find a good man to marry, so that they don't have to worry about it anymore.But why am I gay, why can't I like men?Since I can't like men, why bother hanging others, others deserve better women.I want to solve my immediate problem in my own way.

At that time, Wang Xuanhuan and Wang Xuanhuan were only in a physical relationship, and we only met a few times.

He asked me: "I heard that you broke up with her, so will you still marry me?"

"Physical marriage! It doesn't affect us. I need to get out of the house."

"What about your house?"

"There must be a way for the car to reach the mountain. Besides, she didn't think about helping me solve the house problem at that time. It's the same with her or without her."

"Okay, then if you need help, you can come to us. We can help you find a way."

"Thank you."

To be honest, my marriage partner has always been very kind to me, but of course it is impossible for me to really look for him.

In fact, I think he meets my criteria for finding a boyfriend, no matter in terms of appearance, work, or personality.At that time, I was thinking, if I wasn't a lesbian and he wasn't a gay man, and we were in a normal relationship and married, we should be a happy couple.But I didn't expect such a "crow's mouth" to hit the point.Everything that happened after that, if God is not leading, then there is no one else.