the one who lives in my body

Ever since I knew that I prefer boys, I started to look up various related materials on the Internet, entered some forums, and met some people. Through them, I barely entered the circle, and gradually began to understand 1 and 0. [-] concept.

When I was alone, I did do very shameful things, physical desire and curiosity, I know this is normal, but when I know that all these may be seen by the person I admire... …an unknown fear once dominated me.

I never want to think about those things, and I also understand that it will be difficult for Xie Dongrong to have a good impression of me if he knows everything about me.

For a long time, I have forced myself to ignore all this, because the past cannot be changed, what can be changed is our attitude towards it.

But I can't control Xie Dongrong's thoughts.

I don't know from which corner of my memory he dug up those things.

What I'm trying to say is... I don't "want" as much as he says.

I'm just curious.

When I bought those toys for the first time, I was both excited and nervous. I was afraid of being discovered by others. After I used them up, I thought twice and even destroyed the remains.

It started because I was looking up the process of two boys doing that kind of thing online.

As I once said, I only know that I like men, but I don't know whether I am 1 or 0.

But for me, to be 1, all I need is a man's instinct, and to be 0, I need to break some inherent concepts, and spread my legs shamelessly in front of another same sex... That is undoubtedly completely strange, and then In addition, the one who does 0 in the movie looks really comfortable, so I am very curious.

So I tried.

The process was not smooth, even painful, and at first, I didn't feel any "high".

But when I start to imagine, the one who never woke up from the nutrition jar, the one I've been looking at, my "dream girl".He'd be looking at me with deadly tender eyes, gently stroking me with his perfectly formed fingers, and sinking down, and starting to invade me... I felt it.

Indeed, I imagined him, I cannot deny that.

But I'm not as horny, shameless, or... mean as he said.

I want to tell him, but how can I open my mouth?What's more, can he listen to my explanation?

It's very strange, clearly thinking so clearly, lying on the bed in the dormitory, but seems to be irrational, crying very embarrassingly.

It's annoying, I feel like an idiot, weak, useless and vulnerable.

I dare not recall everything that happened just now, I know how I was despised and looked down upon.

Even a normal human being with a little bit of dignity can't bear what I've experienced, but maybe I'm cheap in my genes. Even so, I still think about how to open my mouth the next time I talk to him.

I couldn't help but despise myself.

Outside the door, Qiu Xingwen knocked on the door tentatively.

I got up, pretended nothing happened, and went to open the door.

"I brought you food." Yuemo knew that something bad happened to me there, so Qiu Xingwen didn't ask, but used his own way to rescue me from the negative state.

For a split second, I wanted to hug him and cry on his shoulder, but in the end I held back.

At least, in front of people other than Xie Dongrong, I have to maintain my superficial dignity.

After arriving at the old man's house at night, I seemed quieter than usual, but I still tried my best to maintain my usual state. An Guo went to bed early, and the old man and An Jingtong were playing cards. I don't talk much here, so my They didn't notice it for a while.

Only Panshi... It seemed to smell the sadness on my body. It only opened its eyes wide and looked at me quietly. There seemed to be a sun hidden in his golden eyes, with an unspeakable affection.

I suddenly felt a little ridiculous, those things I have always longed for often appear when I least expect it, and what I have been pursuing have never really accepted me.

I went forward and hugged the rock that was imprisoned by chains tightly, leaned against his chest, felt his body temperature, and listened to his powerful heartbeat. I have never been so close to another living thing.

Others say that hugging can heal people's hearts. I never felt it before, but now I feel it for the first time.

Just like that, after an unknown period of time, the sound of opening the door sounded.

"Brother Tree..." An Guo's voice was a little drowsy, thinking that she had drunk too much water before going to bed, and was about to say a few words to her when I turned my head, only to see a smiling man standing behind her. An Hexuan, and Xie Dongrong beside him with an expressionless face.

An Guo's room is closest to the door, so it's not surprising that she invites guests in.

After seeing Xie Dongrong again in just a few hours, I had the thought of escaping like never before. Although he never looked at me, he went straight to the old man. His posture seemed to be that An Hexuan was leading him to Come discuss something with the old man.

Xie Dongrong took the lead and completely ignored me.

"...I'll take Pan Shi to the back room to check." After confirming that I had the key, I pulled Pan Shi's chain and walked towards the back room.

"Hey, boy, they are here to talk about business." The old man is more dependent on me now, and he tends to ask me to make decisions on big and small matters.

"Oh, let's talk first, I'll come after I've placed the stone." I said.

Before closing the door, I heard An Hexuan laughed and said, "Hey, we're quarreling again."

Before hearing Xie Dongrong's reaction, I closed the door. Of course, he probably won't have any reaction.

The back room was designated by the old man, and it is the only place where you can take off your chains and stretch.

It was very quiet today, and when I removed the chain for it, its gaze fixed on me unswervingly, reminding me of a missile that automatically seeks out enemies or something.

"What are you looking at me for?" Patting it on the face, I turned my back to him, "Come do gymnastics."

I often show my back to the rock unprepared. For example, when teaching him stretching gymnastics, the old man thought it was an extremely irrational behavior and advised me not to do it several times, but I didn’t Think it's something to keep in mind because I don't think rocks can hurt me.

After finishing the first set of examples, when I turned around, Pan Shi's body was already very close to me.

When I didn't realize it, he approached me silently from behind.

He stared down at me, and I could even faintly feel the heat of his breath on my skin.

"Hey." I stretched out my hand to push him, "I'm moving too far, and my movements are irregular."

Then, in the next second, Pan Shi hugged me tightly behind him.

It's like he likes touching his head, now, he seems to have a new hobby.

For a moment, I felt a little flustered, because the Amut people are really too close to humans, not to mention that the rock in front of me is still an undoubted male.

"Let go." I ordered him.

But he didn't move, he obviously listened to me in the past.

His voice floated in my ears, making a trembling, gurgling sound.

I know what this purring sound means, and he used to make it to cheer me up when I was feeling down.

I froze for a while, then thought, maybe he was trying to comfort me.

Allowing this posture to be maintained for 30 seconds, I calmed down a lot, then I turned around, stared at him calmly, and said to him: "Okay, okay, I'm not sad anymore."

Then he let me go.

I stared at him for a moment, and then he reached out his paw and stroked my face.

"Ashu..."

The person who came was An Jingtong.

He stared at this side with wide-eyed eyes, was stunned for a while, then turned his head and walked away in silence.

An Jingtong is not very timid. Although he also likes Panshi, he has always kept a clear line with Panshi and dare not get close to him. It can be said that only when he gets along with Panshi, he and the old man are in the same school.

Oppose me to be intimate with the rock together.

I know he's going to sue.

Immediately afterwards, as expected, I heard the sound of mighty footsteps.

They reached the back door.

What I didn't expect was that An Hexuan and Xie Dongrong actually followed.

The old man squeezed into the door first, frowned, and said, "You don't listen to me no matter how many times I say it, you...you really..."

Not wanting to listen to the nagging, I quickly raised my hands in a gesture of surrender, "Okay, okay, I understand, I'll come out right away."

After locking the rock, before walking, I touched his head.

At the door, I walked past Xie Dongrong who had been standing there.

Neither of us said a word.

After I arrived, the old man cleared his throat and told me what they talked about earlier in extremely concise language.

Generally speaking, what we are doing now for alien creatures such as rocks, some nobles represented by An Hexuan and Xie Dongrong expressed their willingness to lend a helping hand.

"This is my brother's instruction." An Hexuan said, "After a while, our empire will send a spaceship to the Amut star. We want to take this opportunity to take all the Amut people who were kidnapped back then. Put it back and establish diplomatic relations with Amut Star."

Saying that, An Hexuan patted Xie Dongrong's shoulder, "This was our Dongrong's idea in the first place."

I looked at Xie Dongrong, at this moment, Xie Dongrong also looked at me, but quickly turned his eyes away, as if he didn't want to have any contact with me.

It would be a lie to say that there was no accident, because Xie Dongrong never mentioned this to me, obviously this matter has so much to do with me.

Then we discussed the implementation plan very seriously.

When discussing things seriously, Xie Dongrong and I seemed to have forgotten all the previous unpleasantness by coincidence. After negotiating all this in a very businesslike and serious way, he glanced at the time and immediately said that he wanted to leave.

In the end, the old man and I sent him and An Hexuan to the door of our house and watched them go.

During this period, Xie Dongrong acted as if he didn't know me at all, and it felt as if the years of our acquaintance were all fake.

I'm tired as never before, which doesn't conflict with the joy of tonight's news about the Amuts.

Everything is developing steadily, only the relationship between me and Xie Dongrong has been standing still, and there is even a faint tendency to retreat.

One day, like a flash of inspiration, I said to Qiu Xingwen, "I don't want to chase Xie Dongrong anymore."

I don't know if these words are true or not, but Qiu Xingwen's cheers are real.

Then one night, the old man stopped me suddenly and said, there is one thing, it's time for me to know.

It was three months before Xie Dongrong and his team officially sailed to Amut Star, and the stars that night were no different from those in the past.

The author says:

I forgot to mention yesterday, um, rest tomorrow!