You can eat it but you are not allowed to miss it

Isa's warm and sweet smile, wearing a clean white dress and white cloth shoes every time, looks like the first love in every boy's heart.My eyes followed her from early spring to midsummer.At that time, I didn't understand that this feeling of being warm just by looking at a person is the so-called heartbeat, because I didn't have the concept of homosexuality at all.

In the third grade, my new deskmate was an extremely powerful girl.She is used to wearing a ponytail, and she laughs brightly and loudly.She is the kind of girl that boys are afraid of, she can chase boys to the men's bathroom.I get along very well with her.When we are together, I can always be laughed at by her.Maybe in the eyes of others, I am the quieter one, and I need to be protected by her from being bullied by boys, but the real thought in my heart is to spoil her, and to be at the same table with her all the time.Even the behavior of "beating a boy" which is inappropriate in the eyes of others is cute in my eyes.She and I are probably above AUO, so there is no jealousy or comparison.That summer vacation, we went to cram schools together.The two of them started jokingly bickering for some reason during the break, and finally developed into "flirting". Until the teacher knocked on the blackboard impatiently and called everyone to be quiet, she still grabbed my hand and kept grabbing it. the whole class.It was also the first time that I felt blush and heartbeat because of holding someone's hand, so I didn't listen to anything in that class.

But until then, I still didn't realize there was anything wrong with me.It seems that I have always defaulted in my heart that I can like girls.Later, we went our separate ways because of graduation, and we lost contact until we were in the same school with her again in high school.I used to try to get back the intimacy from her, but unfortunately, time has passed, she no longer treats me so presumptuously, and she doesn't love girls at all.

The person who really started to realize that I might be "lesbian" was my first boyfriend from middle school to high school, Xiaobai.He is a handsome boy. He proudly said that he was the "class grass" with good grades and good looks in our class.Our passionate love period didn’t last too long, probably after he kissed me, it became dull. On the one hand, it was because the pressure of going to school was too great, and on the other hand, his kissing skills were really mediocre, so it made me feel I got the feeling of "so kissing with boys is the same thing" (laugh, don't let Ah Qian know this, he has deep hostility towards any man or woman who has physical contact with me).After high school, I gradually alienated Xiaobai.When we broke up, he said I was "glass," which means gay.I don't know why he made such a statement?Maybe as a girlfriend, I was really too cold to him, except for that kiss, as if I instinctively rejected more physical contact.It's quite funny when I think about it now, every time we go out together, I insist on riding a bicycle with Xiaobai.He was not short, and he had to sit in the back seat of my car with his legs tucked up.He must have been very reluctant to cooperate with me at that time, right?Why is it that everyone else is a girl in a long skirt sitting on the back seat of a boy's bicycle, but I am like that?Probably this is because nature is hard to change, I just feel that I should take care of and protect him.

Of course, there was another reason for the "estrangement", at that age, I needed a friend more than a one-on-one with a "boyfriend".I can't get along with most girls my age.I'm not interested in celebrity gossip, hand-knitting, makeup, or the hot guy in the next class that girls like.I am even more lazy to participate in the intrigue between girls and small groups.So there are many more male students who can chat with me and play well than female students.In the end, I became "brothers" with them all.

Unfortunately, in the second semester of junior high school, everything changed.

I remember it was a physical education class, and I practiced jogging on the playground with a few other classmates.

A female classmate suddenly said: "Have you heard of Lingling from Class Two? It is said that she dropped out of school because she was pregnant."

When I heard the name Lingling, a tall, thin, beautiful girl with fashionable clothes immediately appeared in my mind.She was my classmate in elementary school, and we used to have a very good relationship.Because our home is very close, I have also been a guest at her home.She has a very kind grandfather who brings us a lot of snacks every time.Hearing about her again turned out to be such an astonishing thing.

I asked: "No way, isn't she doing well? We also participated in the Olympiad study class together before."

"I heard that he made a boyfriend in the society, and the other party is a gangster."

"I've heard that too. She said she was ashamed to see others, and dropped out of school to have an abortion."

Listening to the discussion of the students, I feel very uncomfortable.We are only twelve or thirteen years old, can we be pregnant at such a young age?If Lingling drops out of school, what will happen to her in the future?Will you continue to go back to school?Thinking of this, I felt a faint pain in my lower abdomen.I was so careless that I didn't realize that my pants had been stained with mottled blood.

After that physical education get out of class, I walked to the second floor of the teaching building, and I didn't find many eyes staring at my back.Xiaobai, who had not yet become my boyfriend, ran over and took off his coat to help me wrap my waist.

"Ayu, are you feeling unwell? Let me help you go back to the classroom to rest!" Xiaobai asked with concern.

"Why rest? I'm fine!"

"You have blood on your pants," he reminded me in a low voice.

I just turned around and checked my pants. There was really a lot of blood. Of course I knew this was the girl's menarche, but I never expected it to happen to me one day.When I got home that day, I told my mom that I was bleeding.

My mother did not show a look of relief because of my "growth".Instead, with a worried, even disgusted expression, he told me: "Use this."

She gave me a pack of sanitary napkins, motioned for me to take off my pants, and she was going to teach me how to put them on.The stomach discomfort is tolerable, but I still feel unaccustomed and uncomfortable to take off my pants in front of other people, even if that person is my mother.I insisted: "I can post it myself."

"I will come every month in the future. If you feel stomach pain, you should make a cushion in time. I will bring you an old sheet, and you can put it on when you sleep, or you will get it on the bed." My mother told me, "Also, don't go with boys in the future. Too close."

This is the only "sex education" my mother gave me in this life.I complained secretly in my heart, why can't I play with boys?In their eyes, I am not a girl.But soon I found out that I was wrong.Seemingly overnight, the way the boys looked at me changed.

At that time, there was a boy who had a good relationship with me. Everyone nicknamed him Fatty because he was dark and strong, and he loved playing basketball, especially Kobe.Although, with my mother's instructions first, I still chatted and laughed heartlessly with the fat man. He suddenly reached out and waved at me, probably as a gesture to shoot a three-pointer, "accidentally" across my chest, hit me My developing chest ached and I shivered, a chill spreading from my heels to the crown of my head.

I turned my face against him on the spot and asked sharply, "Damn, where are you touching?"

In retrospect, the fat man probably didn't "eat tofu" on purpose, he was really careless, but I suddenly overreacted, only thinking that I regarded him as a "good buddy", but he regarded me as a "weak person" who could "bully" ", and also did the "disgusting" things that bad boys do to girls.Therefore, I became angry from embarrassment.

The fat man's expression was timid, he didn't dare to look me in the eye, and quickly apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it." He seemed to want to explain more, but finally gave up.

The female classmate next to us watched the second half of our quarrel, and she muttered, "It's really rude, it doesn't look like a lady at all."

"I'm just like this, I want you to take care of me!" I was extremely unconvinced in my heart, it's none of your business if I'm a lady or not, and you didn't see those boys swearing and swearing about them.

This matter came and went quickly. Afterwards, I felt that I overreacted, and the fat man and I reconciled naturally, and never mentioned this matter again.Later, I heard another boy (my tablemate at the time) say that some boys who had a good time with me had a crush on me, but whenever I heard who had a crush on me, I started to keep a distance from them, always Feeling awkward.What I was looking forward to as a teenager was that the male classmates could look at me with "normal" eyes and not treat me as a "girl".

I don't know if other girls have seen their bodies in front of the mirror. Do they think their bodies are beautiful?I believe girls are perfect works of art from the Creator.But the girl in my mirror is not beautiful at all.I don't like her developed breasts, I think those full breasts are really beautiful, but if these breasts grow on me, it will become my trouble.Ever since I started developing, I have been particularly afraid of puffing out my chest, fearing that it would be too obvious to be noticed by others, so I have developed a long-term habit of hunching my chest, and I didn't correct it until I was in my 20s.

My mother once told me a story about an aunt's daughter, she said that the aunt wrapped the placenta in dumplings for her daughter to eat.Because there is estrogen in the placenta, her daughter told her mother that she felt swollen and swollen and developed into a small steamed bun.Because of this story, the placenta dumplings became my shadow, and I was even anxious and afraid that my mother would secretly give me that kind of dumplings.Fortunately, I have never eaten placenta dumplings, and maybe because of my daily "excessive thinking", I finally