brave and coward

The two were silent for a long time, and Hua Lin tentatively said, "How about we go to bed first? Let's not make such an important decision in the middle of the night, shall we?"

Xue Younian spoke after a while: "Sorry, I was too sudden. Did it scare you?"

Hua Lin shook his head: "Not really. I was just surprised, it was really sudden." Seeing his sad expression again, he hurriedly said, "As long as there is no surrogacy, adoption is still possible! I didn't say I don't want to be with you. Getting married, adopting a child, it’s just that it’s not a trivial matter, you have to think about it, I’m still studying.”

Xue Younian looked at him melancholy for a while, then forced a smile and said, "You're right, such an important decision should not be discussed in the middle of the night. Go to sleep first, and talk about it another day. I'll talk about it when I calm down."

Hua Lin quickly agreed: "Yes, yes, yes!"

Hua Lin fell asleep not long after, but Xue Younian woke up almost overnight.He held Hua Lin in his arms, stared at Hua Lin's sleeping state in a daze, and thought of many ways in his mind.

He must have a more precise and reliable method to tie Hua Lin, even if one day in the future, Hua Lin knows the truth, or Hua Lin simply doesn't love him anymore, there is no way to simply break up .

If this is the case between men and women, many of them are maintained by children.But they couldn't have children, and Hua Lin was very firm on the issue of surrogacy.

For a moment, Xue Younian thought about doing this without telling Hua Lin.He lives with Hua Lin, and he is a medical professional. It is very simple to secretly preserve Hua Lin's active sperm.A year later, the deal was done, Hua Lin couldn't possibly not want this child.

However, this will definitely anger Hua Lin.Maybe, if Hua Lin wanted this child, he would not want him.That is putting the cart before the horse.

The only option is to adopt the next best thing.

They can adopt a child, the younger the better, so that the relationship between the child and Hua Lin will be stronger.In the future, Hualin will always be more entangled and hesitant about some things for the sake of the child.

Xue Younian knew that this was a shameless, even ridiculous, and pathetic behavior, but he had already become such a shameless, ridiculous, and pathetic bastard.

He can only choose to continue to be this bastard, continue to sink in the dark mud pit, or die, like a strange creature that can only survive in the deep sea with low oxygen and high pressure.

The next day, when Hua Lin woke up, he hesitated and decided to pretend to be stupid. Anyway, if Xue Younian didn't bring up the topic last night, he wouldn't bring it up first.

To be honest, he never thought about getting married and adopting a child before, and he was still reading.

However, Xue Younian had this idea, although it was sudden, he could understand it.After all, Xue Younian is different from him. His parents who are about the same age as Xue Younian already have cubs as big as him.Moreover, Xue Younian didn't have a complete family since he was a child, so it's normal for him to yearn for it.

Therefore, if Xue Younian wanted to get married and adopted, Hua Lin felt that he was willing to discuss this topic with him.

but!The premise is based on Xue Younian's complete calm down.

Obviously Xue Younian was very impulsive last night!The surrogacy has all been said!

Hua Lin felt that Xue Younian, who is usually normal, would definitely not have that kind of thought.Xue Younian has always been a very gentleman and civilized person, how could he have the idea of ​​surrogacy, which is ignorant, backward, and full of brutal exploitation.

Maybe the impulsive Xue Younian will pull him into marriage and adoption in the next second even though he is no longer a surrogate.

Take a step back and say, get married and get married. This Hualin is nothing, but adoption is really a big deal.Once you get it back and feel regretful, it will be very difficult. Is it possible for a living person to return it?It is too harmful to children.

In short, there are many concerns.

Hua Lin decided that even if Xue Younian brought it up, he would firmly refuse.

Fortunately, Xue Younian didn't mention it again.

After half a week of trembling, Hua Lin felt relieved.

But not long after he was relieved, he was worried again.

——He suspected that Xue Younian was prone to depression.

Xue Younian appeared to be normal on the surface, but Hua Lin accidentally discovered that he had frequently made mistakes in his work recently, and the school even called home.Xue Younian said lightly that it was just carelessness, but he is not a careless person.

Hua Lin was fascinated, and tried every means to observe Xue Younian, and even sneaked into Xue Younian's classroom.

Then he was convinced that he was definitely not thinking too much.

Something is really wrong with Xue Younian!

Hua Lin also went to Xue Younian's class before, and Xue Younian was an excellent lecturer.But now he makes frequent mistakes in class, and there are many low-level slips of the tongue in one class. The students are aware of the strangeness and directly ask him if he is not feeling well.

Xue Younian only apologized and said he was fine.

After class, Hua Lin followed Xue Younian secretly, watching him go back to the office, sitting at the desk, staring at the book in a daze, without turning a page for an hour.

——Oh, on the way back to the office, I was almost hit by an oncoming bicycle.It wasn't the fault of the students riding bicycles, the road was not narrow, and they rode well, so Xue Younian walked over it absent-mindedly.

After returning home, although Xue Younian tried his best, Hua Lin discovered another big problem.For example, Xue Younian did not lift...

It's really hard to pretend that it's an instinct of the body, and it's unlikely to be artificially controlled, unless you take medicine, and the side effects of some medicines may indeed cause this.

But Xue Younian is not sick, neither is he sick to take the medicine with that side effect, nor is his brain sick, so it is impossible to take those drugs for no reason.

Xue Younian was very embarrassed, and explained that it might be because of the recent work pressure.

But Hua Lin didn't believe it, so he decided to have a good chat with Xue Younian.

Xue Younian was a little embarrassed: "Linlin, don't think too much." He avoided Hua Lin's gaze in embarrassment, and after a while, he said with difficulty, "Maybe, it's because of age."

Hua Lin said seriously: "Are you sure you want to discuss with a medical student whether this is caused by age or psychological problems?"

Xue Younian lowered his head and stopped talking.

Hua Lin sighed: "Just tell me what you want, I don't like guessing with you."

Xue Younian was silent for a while before saying: "I didn't mean to let you guess, sorry, Linlin, I made you worry. I thought I could hide it from you. I don't want to embarrass you."

Hua Lin frowned: "Sure enough, it's still for that matter? You said it earlier, and I didn't disagree. It's just this matter, what do you care about? Find a time when we both don't have classes, and see where we can get the certificate, okay? I didn’t say no to adopting that one, but we have to be careful about it. Let’s look for the information first and do more research. If there is a suitable one, we will adopt it. Oh, in fact, these two things are not small, but they are also big. Not too big, easy to handle!"

Xue Younian hesitated for a while, but shook his head: "No. In a few years, you are... too young now. I can't just judge based on my own age. This is a matter between the two of us, I You must be considered. I'm sorry, Linlin, I was too impulsive before, and I will try my best to regulate my emotions. You don't have to worry, and don't accommodate me in this kind of thing. In fact, your concerns are mature, I On the contrary, it's too naive." He smiled, "In the future, if I'm impulsive again, you have to remind me."

Seeing him like this, Hua Lin insisted instead: "It's not a big deal, let's do it. It's a matter of time."

Xue Younian laughed: "You are still young, and you have never thought about becoming a father. It is not good for children."

Hua Lin said: "Think about it slowly. Anyway, the child will not be adopted in a day or two. I have enough time in the middle to think about it. Besides, don't you still have you? You think a lot, but there is no web browsing history. Delete it."

Xue Younian was taken aback, and subconsciously said, "I—"

Hua Lin said: "It's not that they haven't been deleted cleanly, or they haven't been deleted completely. I can find any recovery software on the Internet to restore your browsing history."

Xue Younian showed an embarrassing expression.

In fact, Hua Lin didn't understand Xue Younian's infertility for so many years, why he suddenly fell in love with his father, and secretly read a bunch of parenting forum posts...

Originally, Xue Younian deleted all these related browsing records, Hua Lin didn't expect it, but Xue Younian kept everything secret, maybe because of his quick hands or a moment of blindness, he even deleted a few of Hua Lin's browsing records.

Hualin has a subtle sense of boundaries in some places. For example, although he occasionally uses Xue Younian's desktop computer (he thinks that the desktop computer is still better than a laptop), he does not create another account and bookmark the page. , I think it is Xue Younian's computer after all.

In many cases, he will directly enter the web pages he has seen and still want to read directly from the browsing history.

Then he realized something was wrong.

At that moment, he suddenly became suspicious, so he found a software to restore the browsing history.It was easy, and he did it easily.

Then he saw a bunch of "Click to see the most complete baby food formula", "How to adopt a child for homosexuals in Europe/America/Asia", "100 preparations for adoption (must see)" "Is it suitable for gay to adopt a girl or a boy" "Children", "Girls are better to raise or boys are better to raise", "Mums, let's show off their babies", "How to grasp the best learning period for babies", "How many words can a 3-year-old baby know", "How to adopt gay families Do a good job of psychological counseling for children from an early age", "How can mixed-race babies receive multilingual influence to the maximum extent", "Can gay children adopted abroad go to domestic schools"...

Xue Younian even recently registered on a gay forum in Europe just to ask other couples about adoption experiences... Login status)

At that time, Hua Lin seemed to have been struck by lightning to Tianling Gai.

But after reading those, especially Xue Younian's speech in the forum, Hua Lin changed from being struck by lightning at the beginning to understanding and moving.

He saw Xue Younian's heart that dared not be honest with him.

Probably because they didn't know each other on that forum, Xue Younian said a lot of things that he had never said to Hua Lin before, and posted a long post.

Hualin saw the journey of his heart together with her, saw his hesitation, hesitation, and fragility.

Until now, his heart is painful, not sure.

He said that his lover is too young and has not yet been identified. He is very afraid that the other party is just a temporary hormonal disturbance, and that one day the other party will withdraw if he says to withdraw, but he will not be able to get out.

But he clearly knows that such a self is selfish, he is full of self-blame and inferiority complex.

……

I will always regret it.Perhaps, from the very beginning, I shouldn't agree to his pursuit.

It seems that he pursued me, but in fact it was all my fault.

I am so much older than him, in the prime of life, in the eyes of him who is still young now, I am naturally mature, successful, and excellent, so he is attracted to me.

But this is just my age temporarily taking advantage, he is very good, when he reaches my age, he will definitely be better than me.

And by that time, all my advantages were gone.

When I think of this, I feel extremely terrified.

Before I fell in love with him, I never thought that I would be so afraid of aging one day.Perhaps, what I am afraid of is not aging itself, but not being able to get his love again.

He is not a romantic person, he has a sense of responsibility, but it is human instinct to love better people, just like that sentence: I can't stop you from running towards better people.

But, just thinking about it makes me very sad.

I'm so selfish, I always wonder why love always makes others better, but makes me so selfish.

……

I am longing, even praying with everything I have, that I can have a child with him.

I am really embarrassed like this, maybe it can be said that I look disgusting.

I probably freaked him out.

He is unwilling.But I dare not ask him what kind of considerations this reluctance is based on. Is it simply that he doesn't want to be a father yet, or he hasn't considered the future with me.Or, he has thought about the future, but there is no place reserved for me in his future.

I'm afraid that if I ask him, he will think I'm aggressive, which will make him leave me early.

……

I clearly know that he is not like that, but I can't help but think that way, like a patient.

……

I decided to let that go.Talk about it in a few years.Maybe, maybe, maybe, in a few years, he will take the initiative to mention it, and he wants to be a father himself.

I am indeed a coward. At the beginning, I wanted to avoid falling in love with him. It was his bravery that gave me a little courage to cross that thunder pool.Now, I need his future initiative again.

Perhaps, my only independent courage is that I dare to wait for him.

After all, it's one thing I can't be sure of the outcome of.

I despaired of this, but I had no more courage left.

……

Hua Lin couldn't bear Xue Younian's fragility.

What's more, speaking of it, the reason why Xue Younian, who was calm and unhurried in the past, has such a weakness is because of himself.If he hadn't pestered Xue Younian so strongly back then, how could Xue Younian have these thoughts?

In addition to love and affection, Hua Lin even felt deeply guilty towards Xue Younian.

In this way, how could he not even have the heart to agree to such a legitimate and small request from Xue Younian?

Xue Younian just wants to get married and adopt a child, which is not an exaggerated idea at all. Don't people who fall in love almost always go this way in the end, and now it's just a little earlier.It's not too early to say, and the age is almost the same.

……

Therefore, Hualin changed his original thinking and made a new life decision.

He said to Xue Younian very seriously and sincerely: "You always feel inferior to your age, but in fact, I should be worried. Whether I will be excellent and successful in the future is unknown, but your maturity and excellence are already certain. Yes, for real. But I'm not going to feel inferior about it, and neither should you. We just need to go on together, that's all, I think, this is the essence of love. Regarding children, we go to adopt, Let's learn how to take care of him together, shall we?"

Xue Younian stared at Hua Lin blankly for a long time, his eyes became moist.