fifth year of divorce

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Every time I meet Qin Weiji, I don't know how much warmth I have accumulated, but in the end we still have to break up, and the broken relationship needs to be repaired day after day.

I was probably too flustered, and when my mind was flustered, what I said was already insincere.

In the end, Qin Weiji looked at me and said, you have to touch your heart and ask yourself, do you really love me?

At that moment, my eyes were red. I love him so much that I don't know how else to love him. How can he say that I don't love him.

My insomnia is getting worse.

As soon as he closed his eyes, Qin Weiji's smiling eyes gradually became cold, and disappointment gradually became clear in his eyes, so the agitation magnified in the night and began to stir up trouble.

When it was the worst, I kept my eyes open until dawn without feeling sleepy. Every minute and every second of the night was like an executioner. Sometimes I clearly felt that life was passing away like an hourglass.

I'm hopeless.

No good psychiatrist can save me.

I hid my emotions and lived every day, and finally collapsed when I saw that the flowers of the rose begonia had all fallen.

I always feel that it is not the flowers that fall, but myself.

I hugged the flowers and cried all night.

As if I had finally consumed all my emotions, I slept peacefully after crying, but when I woke up, I felt that my heart was calm and I couldn't use all my energy.

If I had known earlier, I would not have planted flowers.

I spent so much effort and failed to feed them, probably because I was born to be rather mournful, and I couldn’t feed these expensive things.

I finally made up my mind and contacted Dr. Li.

When I go to the hospital, Dr. Li always stands at the door to pick me up.

I hurried over, "Doctor Li, why did you come out to pick me up when it's so cold?"

Dr. Li is over 60 years old, I am really embarrassed to trouble him like this again and again.

He smiled, "You are a big star, can I not come down to pick you up?"

"You're killing me by saying that."

He patted my hand, "I'm just kidding, I'll pick you up to take the staff's elevator, lest you be photographed and go to the hospital, and then the Internet will talk nonsense again."

I was a little touched, and gently took his arm and helped him in. Dr. Li and his wife are DINK, who have no children and no daughters in their lives. They treat us younger people very kindly, "Then you can wait inside, the wind outside That big."

He smiled, "I haven't seen you for a long time too, so I'm in a hurry, I won't do it next time."

I pulled on my mask and stepped into the staff elevator.

"Yaoyao, what's wrong with you?"

I called Xie Yao before I entered the circle, and Dr. Li followed my mother and kept calling me Yaoyao. I paused for a while, but I didn't know how to speak.

He was a little worried, "What's the matter? Is it serious?"

"It's not a big deal, it's just..." I sorted out what I wanted to say in my mind, "Maybe, I have some psychological problems, and it's not convenient for me to seek a doctor by myself, so I came to you for help."

Dr. Li was stunned, turned his head to the side and sighed, "How can you not get sick if you pretend to be too busy?"

My nose was sore, I turned my head and didn't dare to look at him.

"Son, think about it, otherwise how can your mother be happy seeing you like this?"

"Understood, Doctor Li."

He was a little sad, and held my hand tightly, "Yaoyao, have you ever thought about getting married? If you get married and have a lover, you will have hope in life."

Dr. Li, in his 60s, never reads the news. He didn’t know that I was married and divorced. I committed suicide and came back to life.

"I am divorced."

He was stunned in surprise, his eyes slowly turned red, "Why do all the unfortunate things in this world fall on you alone?"

The elevator reached the tenth floor, and the atmosphere was still sad. I smiled lightly, "Don't be sad. Fortunately, my ex-husband is the best person in the world. I'd be satisfied if I loved him once."

Dr. Li shook his head and sighed, "It might as well be that he is not a good person. If you walk out, you won't get sick."

These words made it harder for me to let go.

In the psychology department, the psychiatrist is a young and elegant lady.

When she saw us coming in, she smiled, "Mr. Li, why are you here?"

Dr. Li looked at me with a smile, "I sent this child here, and I came up here to say hello to you."

She laughed and reached out to shake my hand, "Hello."

I bent slightly, "Hello."

"Yuan Qing, he has a special status, you have to keep it secret."

Doctor Yuan scolded, "Even if my identity is not special, I will keep it a secret. Do you think I am so unprofessional?"

"Of course not." Dr. Li looked at me, "Dr. Yuan is the best psychologist in our hospital, don't worry."

"I am [-]% assured of the person you recommend."

"You don't need to praise me so much." Yuan Qing smiled, "Old Li, I'll send you down."

"Is this starting to chase me?"

"It's wrong, I'm protecting the patient's privacy."

Dr. Li nodded, "Then I'll go first, you don't need to send me, you take good care of this child, it's more important than sending me."

"do not worry."

After Dr. Li left, Yuan Qing closed the door and stretched out his hand, "Sit down, sir, what's your surname?"

I leaned on the chair and slowly took off the mask and sunglasses, "No expense, my surname is Xie."

Yuan Qing looked up at me, her smile faltered slightly, "I've known you for a long time, Mr. Xie, I've seen your movie and liked it very much."

I nodded slightly and smiled, "Thank you for your favor."

"Shall we begin then?"

"it is good."

"How old is Mr. Xie?"

"30."

She nodded, "It's a good time to stand at thirty."

"Thank you."

"I read the news about Mr. Xie on the Internet. He entered the entertainment industry at the age of 18. He has a marriage history and a suicide record. Is the above true?"

"true."

"Why did you enter the entertainment industry? At the age of 18, it's time for the college entrance examination to go to university?"

I swallowed, "My mother had cancer at that time and needed money."

"How are your grades?"

"not bad."

"How many points in the college entrance examination?"

I can't remember it, I just remember a rough idea, "Around 420."

Yuan Qing's pen paused, "So you failed the ranking?"

I smiled, "I didn't fail the exam, I'm from Jiangsu Province."

She looked at me in surprise, "With your score, even if you're not the provincial champion, you're still second?"

I forced a smile, "Unfortunately, I am a bit lower than the champion."

She slowly wrote on the paper, "With such a high score, there must be many top universities offering olive branches to you. Do you have any regrets?"

My thoughts slowly returned to that time. Speaking of it, I didn’t feel regretful at all. I even hated reading. I always felt that it was because of studying that my mother didn’t use the money for treatment. I always felt that reading killed my mother.

Later, I couldn't help feeling a little regretful.

Such regrets often stem from the disappointment of the entertainment industry, and from the unfairness that the rich land sometimes treats me.

But it's not a pity, if I hadn't given up my studies, how could I have met Qin Weiji in this life.

"No."

She nodded, "Then your mother..."

"Dead."

"Feel sorry."

I shook my head slowly.

"What about your father?"

I thought for a while, "Let's just pretend he's dead too."

Yuan Qing looked at me for a long time before lowering her head and continuing to write, "Why did you get divorced?"

When I mention this, I feel powerless, "I... am too sensitive and inferior, too many insincere words hurt our feelings."

"And why did you commit suicide?"

"My husband and I filed for divorce. I lost control and threatened him with suicide."

Yuan Qing looked up at me and put down the pen, "Are there still many cases of losing control like this now?"

I was stunned, "A lot of times I feel like I'm going to lose control."

"for example?"

"For example... when we broke up badly, when we were alone, two days ago I had an emotional breakdown because a pot of flowers died."

"What do you do when you feel out of control?"

"cry."

"Any... thoughts of suicide?"

I shook my head, "No, just a little anxious and scared."

Yuan Qing leaned back on the chair and thought for a while, then folded her hands on her lap, looked at me and said, "The preliminary diagnosis is that you may be suffering from separation anxiety disorder."

I raised my head and was stunned for a while, "Is it serious?"

"Separation anxiety disorder is actually frequent in young children, and it is rare for adults. Most of them are due to some emotional trauma due to some factors in childhood. This kind of trauma was not felt at the time, and the situation reappeared slowly when I grew up. , or empathize with the same emotion, symptoms of anxiety, fear and even depression will appear.”

If we want to talk about the emotional trauma in childhood, it is only my father who ran away with the rich woman and abandoned the family when I was young.

"But, I don't think it's a kind of trauma, I've already forgotten..."

"That's because you avoided the trauma yourself, it doesn't mean there's no harm."

I sneered, my goddamn father is really harmful, everyone ran away, what kind of childhood trauma would be left for me.

"Mr. Xie, the trauma of separation when you were a child has made you more and more unable to accept the fact of separation. The death of your mother and the breakdown of your marriage with your husband are all the reasons that induced you to become ill."

No wonder, on the day my mother died, I couldn't hear her voice all day. Brother Qin said that when I divorced, I was so eager to die.

No wonder I got into the drama too deeply, dreaming about Jiang Zhishen every night.

No wonder a pot of flowers died, I could cry all night.

No wonder I would be depressed for several days every time I broke up with Qin Weiji.

I have experienced separation everywhere in this world, but I have a disease of fear of separation, which is really funny.

"Such psychological disorders are actually treated mainly with psychotherapy. If you say that your sleep and life have been seriously affected, I can prescribe you some estazolam and sertraline first."

I nodded feebly.

"Psychotherapy is very important. From now on, we will make an appointment here for psychotherapy at this time every week. Medicines are auxiliary and cannot be completely relied on."

"Understood, thank you, Doctor Yuan."

Yuan Qing hesitated for a while before speaking, "Mr. Xie, I have another piece of advice."

"You say."

"Actually, separation anxiety disorder is not a very serious mental illness, and it will get better as you grow older, but your special occupation, on the one hand, the pressure from the outside world, and on the other hand, the deepening of role empathy, will make your psychological barrier situation aggravated."

"You mean, it also has something to do with my filming?"

She explained, "In fact, most people experience life and death a limited number of times in their lives, but as an actor, you will inevitably encounter more tragic characters, which is not good for your own mental health."

I understood what Yuan Qing meant, and nodded, "I will think about it, thank you."

When I left the hospital, I originally wanted to see Dr. Li, but I was afraid that his small talk would affect my work, so I gave up.

I took a taxi, sat in the back and slowly closed my eyes.

Could it be that "The Qingyun Case" will not be accepted?

But that day I had already agreed to Director Wang in front of so many people. If Director Wang was suddenly let go, not to mention Director Wang’s side, but Director Xu thought I was rejecting his play on purpose. Not good looking.

People have already reached there, and this scene has to be accepted no matter what.

I looked at the car window, it was foggy, and only dim light could be seen.

As for Qin Weizhi...

Since it is impossible not to see each other again, we can only see each other every now and then.