a virgin story

The school's military training class is held in the junior year, and the military training begins in the first semester of the junior year for a period of two weeks.Maybe the school arranges this way to alleviate everyone's boredom, hehe, it seems that the school is also very humane.

I didn't look forward to military training at all. Standing in the sun melted me.But the guys in the dormitory are looking forward to it, and experiencing a different life seems attractive.And the only thing that attracts me is the unknown instructor.

On the first day of military training, everyone's enthusiasm was high and everyone was looking forward to it with excitement.In the morning, the instructors came out of the cafeteria and began to draw lots.The instructor who was drawn to our class was a white guy with a good figure, but it's a pity that he didn't look like me.Ugh, don't know if I'm being picky, but I think I'd still be thrilled if I had him on the bed right now.

The boring military training really felt like years. Only the instructor who was the same age as us tortured us in different ways every day. We stood for half an hour after all the soldiers stood in the military posture.Whenever he grins menacingly, I start to get nervous: What kind of trick has this guy come up with again!Also, when standing in the military posture, he always walks behind me and breaks my shoulders vigorously: "Stand up straight, loose and loose!" Then he presses my lower abdomen: "Squeeze the abdomen!" At this moment, I almost have difficulty breathing , this guy still makes me lose my belly, I'm not fat at all and I don't have a belly!Sometimes I really wonder: Is this guy eating my tofu?

Looking at other classes, there seems to be a very handsome guy.He was wearing a neat military uniform, and because of the hot weather, his back was wet with sweat, and it was tightly attached to his tense muscles, and my saliva flooded again.In the next few days, I always admired this kid, seeing him kicking a standard goose step, seeing the sweat on his neck, and seeing the sunshine on his face when he smiled.With this scenery, my life will not be so difficult.

Two weeks finally passed, and everyone happily waved their hands to say goodbye to the instructors. No one looked red-eyed like they did military training in high school.Now the instructor is a little bit reluctant to smile with us.Is it true that the older a person is, the more lonely he becomes, and the more indifferent he becomes?For a period of time after military training, I always think about these messy things.I was actually thinking more about my sexuality, which I never had before college.When I was in high school, I felt that I liked boys more, but I didn't think about the issue of sexual orientation, and felt that it was far away from me.Even two years into college, it never occurred to me that I was gay.I just feel that I am different from others, and I don't want to use those three words to describe myself.But now, more and more questions that can no longer be avoided are entangled in my head.My buddies always ask me: Why haven't you found a partner yet?I always have a bright smile on my face, but I start to think in my heart: Can I find a girlfriend?

During this period of time, I was going crazy. Whenever I think of the word "homosexuality" and see other people happily married, I feel inexplicably sad.When I drank with my friends, I gulped myself down until my eyes were blurred and I couldn't walk steadily.But I was still very clear in my heart, and seemed to be more sober than when I was not drunk.When I was drunk, I always laughed. I was sad but I still laughed, but my heart felt so tired and tired.The pressure of studies and the pressure of life are all on my body. I often can't sleep late at night. There is always a voice in my head, and the word "homosexual" hits every corner over and over again.

I don't know what will happen tomorrow, maybe it's a pain that pierces my heart and lungs.I'm a little scared, but I look forward to it coming soon, starting early and ending early.The future I had been longing for, the tomorrow I had been looking forward to suddenly became blurred, my dreams began to collapse, and I even began to doubt the meaning of life.Is life worth looking forward to for me?One night I had a dream. I dreamed that I was walking naked on the street. The strange eyes of others made me uncomfortable. I lowered my head and searched for clothes all over the place, but I forgot when I took them off and where I threw them .

I gradually became silent.

Li Kang asked, "Are you busy recently?"

Li Kang asked again: "Is there a lot of pressure?"

Li Kang was still asking: "Are you pretending to be reserved?"

I didn't speak, and walked out of the dormitory with my schoolbag on my back.

The bright sunshine, the blue sky, the fresh air, and me, who is full of thoughts, walked on the campus unsightly.I felt that I couldn't go on like this anymore.

Pushing open the door of the psychological consultation room of the school hospital, the young female teacher was busy with something.She smiled and asked me: "Did you make an appointment?" I was taken aback: "Need to make an appointment in advance?" She put down the materials in her hand, looked at me, then looked up at the clock on the wall and said with a smile: "I just have time , it’s okay without an appointment.”

We came to the next room, the room is very comfortable, the green plants grow luxuriantly on the window sill, the light-colored sofa lies quietly in the middle of the room, there is an oil painting on the wall, next to the oil painting is a neat bookshelf.

The teacher motioned me to sit down and asked me, "What can I say, it's very quiet here."

Sitting on the single sofa, I clasped my hands and crossed my fingers, but I became tense, and I didn't know what to say, so I had to smile awkwardly.

"It's okay, there's nothing embarrassing about it, you can't solve the problem if you don't say it."

I looked up at her smiling face, a pair of kind eyes looking at me sincerely.This teacher is not very old, he should have just graduated, maybe he is not married yet.Thinking of the word "marriage", my heart suddenly twitched.Facing such a pure female teacher, I, a big boy, really can't say it. I feel that talking about it is like stripping myself naked for others to see. Besides, sitting opposite me is such a female teacher.I regret coming to the school hospital, and I just want to escape at the moment.

She looked at me silently, and I twisted my fingers in embarrassment, and I really began to regret coming to the consultation.I stood up and said to the teacher embarrassedly: "Teacher, I'm really sorry to waste your time." Seeing that I was going to leave, the teacher hurriedly stood up: "It's okay, it doesn't matter if you don't want to talk now, when do you want to talk about it?" You can talk to me again." I nodded awkwardly.The teacher patted me on the back like a friend: "It's okay, no matter what it is, a man can relax and look at things, it's no big deal."

After leaving the school hospital, I felt much better.Although he didn't talk about his own thoughts, he did relax a lot.