blue marshmallow

I wiped my mouth and felt that I was suspected of running away after taking advantage of it, but I already knew that he had a crush on me. If I stayed any longer, I really didn't know how to deal with myself, "I'm going back, thank you noodle,"

"I really want to go,"

"Um,"

"Then will you come later?"

"Come on, we are friends, this time I recognized the door, next time I can touch it myself,"

Xiaorui reluctantly walked me to the door. He wanted to take me downstairs, but I refused. He lives on the sixth floor and there is no elevator. He is very tired from climbing up and down. How can I be ashamed to tire him again after tossing him for so long? I turned around at the door, thought about it and gave him a light hug, but he smiled and said nothing.

I went downstairs and took a taxi back home. I bought a pack of the most common cigarettes and a lighter at the convenience store at the gate of the community. I squatted by the flower bed of the community by myself and inhaled the cigarette deeply into my stomach. .

In fact, I can smoke. When I was not in elementary school, I would often hide a few cigarettes for my grandfather. They were old tobacco leaves. I was aiming at them. Tears flowed from my cigarettes. Later, when I grew up and went to elementary school, it was fine. When I was young, I stole my father’s cigarettes and squatted in the toilet to pretend to be cool. Later, I went to junior high school and had more pocket money. In addition, I met many like-minded buddies. One, it's awesome!

It was the first year of high school. I registered for school, and the teacher divided me into a seat. I was so desperate to put me together with a boy. I was still a pretty boy. At that time, I didn’t know what homosexuality was, and I didn’t expect that I would like boys in the future. , I just think, he is very cute, he brings me a piece of candy, biscuits and so on to school every day, and often copies my homework for me, and I will give him a ride on a bicycle after school. I just blew on him with my mouth full of stink, haha, his face was flushed with anger, and he could only yell that he would not copy my homework next time, so I let him go.

Until the second year of high school, he told me in a self-study class that he liked me. I was stunned and very angry. In fact, when he said it, I didn’t hear it clearly. His voice was very small, like a mosquito. , blah blah, I said you speak louder, and he beeped again. I was in a hurry and ordered him to speak loudly. I heard it clearly after repeating it countless times. At that time, I was so angry, it seemed that I had been humiliated , I picked him up as soon as I grabbed his collar, he was trembling with fright, I saw his eyes were wet, like a deer waiting to be slaughtered, my heart softened, I let go of him and didn't deal with him again , but from then on I never paid attention to him, and I didn’t have to look him in the eye. Later, he probably wanted to please me, bought me cigarettes, and even offered to light them for me. I threw the cigarette away in a fit of anger. Never smoked again, but at that time I didn't really hate the smell of cigarettes.

Then he changed seats and left, and then he changed schools, until I went back for the summer vacation in my sophomore year, and I heard from my classmates that he died of stomach cancer not long after he transferred to another school!I cried as soon as I heard it, and I ran to a place where no one was there, scratching my neck and howling all afternoon.

When I was a freshman, I fell in love with our military training instructor. I knew what homosexuality is. I thought his feelings for me in high school might not belong to homosexuality. He has that kind of affection for me, which is also innocent and pure, and I should cherish it more, and should not discard it cruelly. After he died, I will never have a chance to explain it to him. My young recklessness, cowardice and narrow-mindedness, Let me feel ashamed when I think of him from now on.

From that day on, I hated the smell of cigarettes, but today I actually smoked cigarettes one by one, as if I wanted to smoke all the cigarettes I haven’t smoked for several years. Who am I punishing?

A pack of cigarettes was quickly killed by me. I squeezed the pack and patted my pants and stood up. To be honest, I didn’t know what to do next. When I was smoking, my mind was blank, and I only knew one by one. The brain is not working at all. As the saying goes, it doesn’t matter if the brain is empty, just afraid of getting in the water. I feel it now, I have hydrocephalus, and it is a very serious kind!

I staggered to the door of the room, controlled the trembling hand to open the door, I stumbled into the door, leaned my back to close the door, and slid to the ground.

I closed my eyes and panted until his deep voice came from above my head, "Xiao Xiang, what's the matter with you?" I opened my eyes wide in surprise, he was standing in front of me condescendingly looking down at me.

"You're back," I said awkwardly and didn't dare to look him in the eyes anymore, trying to get up quickly, but I didn't know that I haven't smoked for a long time, and I smoked too much just now, and now I feel weak all over, and my hands and feet are a little out of control.

He leaned over and pulled me up, I staggered and fell into his arms, I obviously felt his body stiffen, I have never felt this way before, every time I want to get close to his body, His body will spontaneously greet and attract me, but just now I feel that he rejects me.

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