Wading in muddy water

In fact, I have always known that I am afraid of pain, but I have never told anyone about it. Over time, even I almost forgot about it.You can’t lie for too long, or you’ll think you’re born this way one day, but people seem to lose the opportunity to show weakness when they grow up to a certain age. How old this age is varies from person to person. In my words, it should be a certain day before the age of 16 .

So try your best to show weakness every time, don't feel ashamed, what is more terrible than shame is that everyone thinks you are not afraid, including yourself.

I hate being sick very much. Although Liu Fang tried his best to avoid letting me draw blood before my life experience was exposed, occasionally I couldn't avoid it.The nurses in the private hospital seem to be made of clouds, they are gentle and soft, they can’t see that I am afraid at all, they still pinch my arm and coax me in a soft voice, "Little man, don’t be afraid, just a little pain will be fine. , it won’t hurt too much, you can close your eyes if you are afraid, but you must not move around.”

I usually keep a cold face and say bluntly that I am not afraid, so hurry up.

Then I watched helplessly as the needle poked in and into my blood vessel, and the dark red blood gushed out suddenly, as if I was flowing out, from my own body.

I was so scared to death, I stared at the needle that didn't go in and silently counted seconds in my heart, one, two, I am stupid, is it over yet, three, four, five, why are I still pumping, do I really have so much blood, if I pump again, I will die soon Bar.After it is over, I will be in a trance for a while. The nurse usually calls me two or three times before I can hear it. For a moment, I will subconsciously turn my head. When I see no one around me, I will turn back and reach out to hold the cotton swab at the needle hole.

Zhou Boxin clearly said that if it hurts, he can be relied on.

When I was younger, I was terrified by that dog. When it bit me, I refrained from howling, but when I was vaccinated against rabies, I howled ghostly.Chen Zhiyuan and Liu Fang were busy at that time, Zhou Boxin was with me, he covered my eyes with his hand, and called my name next to my ear, "Little Li, lean on me, don't be afraid."

For a long time, I felt that he lied to me. He hated being sick, hated hospitals, and even more hated injections and blood draws.I didn't learn how to listen to promises until I got older. He said yes, not forever, so it's not a slip of the tongue.

The night before I came to Luxiang, I stared at the belt for half an hour, thinking, "Chen Li, you are looking for death. Even if you are like you, Zhou Boxin would not fall in love with him. It's not because he doesn't love you, he It’s just the villain who won’t fall in love with you, there’s no need” and another villain who said “Of course I know he won’t fall in love with me, I’m willing... No, why won’t he fall in love with me, sooner or later” The villain beat him so badly that his head was bleeding, and in the end I still stuffed the belt into my schoolbag with my eyes closed.

I just want to comfort my brother, at least I can know a little about his depressed mind now.I didn't want to take this opportunity to climb into his bed. Well, I admit that this factor can't be ruled out, it accounts for... ten percent, really only ten, it's just a matter of convenience.

After it was over, I lay motionless on the bed, sore and tired, and going to bed with Zhou Boxin was like a fucking war.Although this has happened twice, I still believe that his skills are not that bad, but I "forced" him these two times, and his face looks like a face with good skills.I just hope it's his own will and initiative next time and doesn't make my ass suffer so much.

The sun had already set, and the house was completely dark. The street lamps on the side of the street could still shine a little light, but nothing could be seen clearly.Neither of us went to turn on the light, and neither of us spoke.I really want to ask my brother for a cigarette, but it’s not very convenient for me now. I imagined myself lying on the bed naked and smoking stubbornly with one hand hanging on the edge of the bed. It was so funny that my face wrinkled It's all together.If I can't smoke, I can only inhale my brother's second-hand smoke. It doesn't taste good and makes me choke.

"Want to smoke?" Zhou Boxin said suddenly.

Now I am a little sensitive to the word "pumping", and I am also sensitive to his breath and voice. When he said that, I felt my legs tremble, and I quickly replied, "I don't really want to."

I'm a little hoarse.

Zhou Boxin laughed, and sat down beside me, with his right hand stretched out to my mouth, with a cigarette between his fingers.But my thoughts went astray inexplicably, and I was stunned for a long time, until there was a long piece of soot, red and dusty, and he got impatient, moved to the bedside and shook it off.I leaned over, "Brother, are you right-handed?"

"What?" He didn't respond.

"When I asked you, you said you use your hands, your right hand or your left hand?" When I was talking, I took his right hand over, and the cigarette he had bitten on came to my mouth, and I could see the flames brighten up when I sucked it hard. stand up.

It was rare for Zhou Boxin to be willing to chat with me, and his tone was quite flat, "Let's do it with the right hand, and I'll switch to the left hand when I'm tired."

My grass?Is he pretending to be aggressive? This is my first reaction.But based on the length of time he fought in the war, I don't think he was necessarily pretending to be aggressive. He can fight for so long, and it should be longer if he is serious.I silently moved my body, moved my butt a little away from him, and asked again, "Just now... left hand or right hand?"

I didn't have the face to say "hit me" and pressed the mute button for myself.But Zhou Boxin obviously didn't want to save face for me. There were only the two of us in this room, and there was really nothing to save face. He took the half cigarette I took a puff back to his mouth, and said "Zi La" He heard the sound of the tobacco burning quickly, and he laughed, "When I hit you? Right hand."

I feel his smile is not a flirtatious smile.

"Oh." I replied, and asked him again, "Do you have something to say? If you have nothing to say, you can't chat with me."

Zhou Boxin was silent for a while, cupping my head with his left hand, rubbing my hair intentionally or unconsciously.The room was very quiet, he hadn't lit a cigarette after he finished smoking, only the faint light of the street lamp, and he could see Zhou Boxin's outline, a hazy outline when he raised his eyes.

"Zhou Qingluo committed suicide." He said suddenly.

My heart skipped a beat, my mind was so nervous that I was a little dazed, I thought he would say something to reject me, that is, he would not fall in love with me or something, and told me not to go to him in the future.My breath was not stable, and I let out a "hmm", I don't know if I made a sound or not.

"Actually not." Zhou Boxin's voice was very hoarse, and his fingers were still rubbing my hair, his strokes were very regular, or very mechanical, "I know she committed suicide the second time, and died in front of me."

I suddenly understood one thing, maybe Zhou Boxin lost the qualification to show weakness earlier than me.

As early as when Zhou Qingluo cried and begged him to let her go, stop saving her, and let her die; as early as he watched his biological mother cut her wrist in front of his eyes, bleeding out; as long as he waited After waiting for a long time, when he was sure that Zhou Qingluo was dead and went back to the house to pretend he didn't see it.

Back then, Zhou Boxin was eight years old, so he lost the right to show weakness to everyone, including himself.

He was alone with Zhou Qingluo's body all afternoon, he didn't know how to "discover" this matter, so he waited in the house until it was dark, until his grandma came home.

How did he spend that afternoon?I have been trying to simulate possible emotions and states, despair?collapse?fear?Which kind of emotion or blending them together is not enough, and then I find that the word death is heavy because no living person has experienced it.

This principle may seem a bit silly, even a three-year-old child knows the truth, but I really didn't understand what it meant.

That night when I returned to Lishui Garden, I looked behind myself in the mirror in the bathroom.

It was only the second day, and I thought it would be horrible, but it turned out to be just a little red.Even the swelling is gone, lighter than I thought, how many times did he hit?I think it was a dozen or so, maybe not even ten.It's not a vent for him at all, I thought I could comfort him.

I couldn’t help being a little speechless to myself, damn it, Zhou Boxin must have secretly laughed at me, when he stuffed the belt into his hand, he acted like a heroic hero, at that moment, I really felt that if I was caught by the enemy in the war years I didn't bring a confession for at least three days. The fact is that I cried the second time, and at the last time I couldn't help crying and calling him brother, shit, what a fucking embarrassment!

The first thing I did when I came back from the bathroom was to destroy the body. I threw the belt into the trash can, and then I took a few pieces of paper and stuffed it into the trash can to cover it, but I still felt that it was too strong.He suddenly rolled over from the bed, grabbed the belt and put it in his arms and sneaked out of the room.

My brother could see it, so I had to hide it and sneak it downstairs in the trash.

Before I reached the first floor, I bumped into the aunt who had finished cleaning the kitchen. The aunt saw me coming down from a distance and asked me, "What's the matter? Are you still hungry after drinking water?"

I coughed, "Ah, I'm just coming down...it's okay, you are busy with your work."

The aunt at home is good everywhere, but she is too considerate, as if she is afraid that I will be tired when I go downstairs, she keeps staring at me.I was in a dilemma. I originally wanted to throw it in the trash can in the kitchen. There is a lot of garbage in the kitchen, so I throw it out more frequently, but I had to go around to the toilet to throw it out.

But when I thought my plan to destroy the corpses and traces was successful, and ran upstairs quickly, the sound from downstairs almost made me fall headfirst on the stairs.

"Master, do you want this belt?"

Grass, God is going to kill me.

"Uh... Just throw it away." I said.

"Oh, good. I think it's quite new, and it's not broken, so I just ask."

"It's okay, just throw it away." I said again, with a more difficult tone than last time.

After returning to the house, I opened WeChat resignedly, and I saw a message from Zhiding. Logically speaking, my brother took the initiative to send me a message. I should be so happy that I ran around the garden twice.

I'm really happy, even if the content of the message he sent is really a bit rude.

Gao Lengpu who never responded to messages: Throw it away?

Gao Lengbi who never responded to messages: It feels good, don't you like it?

The author says:

It's late today!Yesterday's update was too early and today I was backlashed (nonsense