Looking back

In the drowsy mist, I seem to have returned to my childhood.

In my childhood, there were big smoking chimneys and colorful glass marbles. In my vague memory, I was carefree and ignorant.I like beautiful things, so I will grab the transparent wings of butterflies and dragonflies that are still flapping, tear them off carefully and completely, and put them in a beautiful book.

I don't know when, the unbearable began to spread and evolved into a deep-rooted disgust and fear, and I threw away the book that I accidentally turned over with a scream.

Later, I had the opportunity to re-live my childhood, a childhood with split personality and heavy thoughts with mature thinking and three views.I saw my partners pouring water into the ant nest, digging the rabbit hole, setting up traps to catch the birds alive, and breaking off the legs of the grasshoppers they caught and throwing them to the birds, all of which were done without hesitation and full of joy.

All kinds of cruelty and killing made my scalp tingle, and those harmless and joyful actions made me finally understand that human nature is inherently good, which is purely the self-consolation of a saint.

People often say that the heart of a child is so, but children will not be afraid when they see blood, and they will not feel guilty when they crush an ant to death. The ignorance of life and death has produced a disregard for life.Compassion and benevolence are instilled in people, and the awe of life and death is only known through experience.

A newborn baby is a blank slate, neither longing for good nor resisting evil, and can only slowly develop good qualities through education: only after receiving lessons can he know how to obey; Only then can we not bear to be hurt, and only when we know the helplessness of death can we respect the right to life.

It's a pity that even though I understood the truth early on, I still acted in the opposite direction.I, who should cherish the opportunity of life more, finally made a huge gamble on life with unknown prospects.I can't help but gamble, this bet, no matter whether I win or lose, can give me a happy relief from the long-term nightmare.

It's a pity that the result is that all games are lost.

In a coma, the soul is constantly struggling, trying to get out of the shackles of the body, but every time it is caught by countless painful tentacles, and sinks into the endless deep sea of ​​consciousness again, as if the transparent sea surface is close at hand, it can never be touched. to heaven.

Words can never describe the endless pain. There seem to be countless sharp blades swimming in the meridians, following the pulsation of blood, following the movement of true qi, circling, dancing, and moving forward regardless of everything.Those sharp blades sometimes seem to have been immersed in ice water, and sometimes they seem to have been scorched by fire.

And there are not necessarily no people in this world who can heal me.For example, Huang Yaoshi, I know he can save me, but he won't.

Of course, he wanted to kill me, but a slight accident made the plan go wrong, and he didn't intend to correct this error. Since the result is the same, maybe it is more in his mind to let me die in such pain.

The unquestionable killing intent made me unable to plead for mercy.That day on the rocks of Peach Blossom Island, I felt his killing intent, a killing intent that chilled people to the marrow.

His killing intent is very strange, it is not the sea of ​​anger that burns everything, it is not the calmness of forbearance and planning, no hatred, no resentment, no decision, no hesitation, no bloodthirsty joy, no immoral self-blame, no any What ordinary people should have in killing intent.

His killing intent was so casual, so indifferent, and so reasonable, like seeing a small insect that was an eyesore, casually stretching out his hand and pressing the flat bomb to fly away.As for whether Xiao Chong was broken or bloody, he didn't care at all.

People who claim to be refined are indeed different from ordinary people. In comparison, recalling my pain and resentment, recalling my anxiety and regret, as well as those racking my brains and planning, are all like A big joke.

How to kill?Kill a person who is invulnerable and has excellent martial arts?

If it was Huang Yaoshi, I could just give up, but facing the blind Mei Chaofeng, I knew I still had a chance.I painstakingly calculated the various games between horizontal kungfu training and internal force circulation, hidden weapons and poisons, overthrowing and resetting over and over again, painstakingly calculating all possible variables.

Day and night, I have exhausted the methods of killing people in my mind, and I tried to recall the lethal effects that all toxins can achieve, heavy metal salts, snake venom, alkaloids, bacterial toxins, neurotoxins, respiratory failure, suffocation, brain nerve damage , blood toxins, hemorrhagic toxins, blood vessel rupture, blood loss, organ failure, hemolytic toxins, destruction of red blood cells, body hypoxia, searching one by one, checking over and over again, for fear of missing a glimmer of light that may lead me to success .

I later discovered that making poison is as easy as finding kitchen knife twine.I made all kinds of preparations, enough to kill her many times, but the final judgment was not what I expected.

I used to think that when I had to meet her face to face, I would ask her if she remembered, so that I would not regret it later.But it was too late, all the decisions had to be made in an instant, I didn't know how resistant she was to the medicine, so I increased the dosage.

Master's forgiveness?Do you deserve it too!

Mei Chaofeng, Mei Chaofeng, you have forgotten about my poor little sister, when you cut off her ears, gouged out her eyes, pulled out her tongue, and made her body so broken that she couldn't ascend to heaven , let her soul have no complaints in the underworld, have you ever thought that you will have this day too?

He couldn't answer every day, he couldn't hear, he couldn't see, he couldn't speak, he couldn't point out the murderer's location, he couldn't call the murderer's name, and he didn't even have the energy to write the murderer's name.By the way, do you know that I poisoned you, or are you suspicious of others?Also, what do you want to write on the ground?Do you even know my name, other than "that savage little girl"?

The hatred finally need not be suppressed. The wildfire was burning on the vast grassland in autumn. I laughed happily in the fire, but after the fire, only a piece of scorched earth and ashes were left.

Huang Yaoshi left with her body. With the whole body, she can return to the Peach Blossom Island that she longs for, but my little sister's head can only wander in a foreign land forever.

In fact, I shouldn't care about this, I know better than anyone else that the current skin is just a haven to live in, if you leave it, you leave, there is no point in it.I used to be a staunch atheist, and I have always firmly believed that when the body disappears, the god will naturally disappear, just like the firewood will go out when the firewood is burned out.

But I was like a small spark, flying and landing on another clump of firewood.

And this clump of firewood is finally going to burn out.

At this time, there was a person who blocked the strong wind and tried his best to protect the flickering flames.

From the first time I saw him, I knew that this person would be mine.It's a wonderful feeling, reassuring and scary at the same time.Yes, he is mine, no matter what it is, it is a lover, a relative, a friend, an enemy, anyway, it will not be a stranger, it will not be an unrelated person.

There is a kind of deep-rooted paranoia in my heart, which makes me look at everyone in this world with the same mood as looking at the underwater world of an aquarium through a glass window.And this is not the arrogance of being superior to others. I also often admire the various qualities of these people, many of which are excellent qualities that modern people seldom possess.

It has nothing to do with praise or criticism, I just keep aggravating my second disease of excessive self-awareness.I know I'm terminally ill and I don't want to do anything to heal myself, instead I tell myself over and over that I'm different, I'm different from the world, I'm an outsider, I don't need to be above this world Domineering and domineering, there is no need to blend into this world to survive in a humble manner.

I have built a glass wall between me and everything around me, and I can't imagine what I will become if this development continues.

But at this time, a being like me appeared, he passed through the phantom of the glass curtain wall and entered my fortress.

I have seen many fictional stories about double wear, from intrigue to meeting and laughing, from loving each other to life and death.I thought of all possible worst endings, use, betrayal, hostility, killing, but I found that I am not afraid, I am even more afraid of loneliness, even if it is a bad person, I am not afraid.

As long as someone can look at me seriously, understand me, and know who I am, I don't care how he treats me.Whether I like it or dislike it, I don't care, it's actually the same for me.Even driven by a kind of morbid psychology, I would rather he hate me more, let him know my darkness and viciousness, and let him remember me more deeply.

I know that he has tried, been ambiguous, promised, and acted. I am not a little girl anymore, and I know the meaning.I often lay in his arms when I was in a coma, and the pain occasionally left me with a little bit of strength between attacks, allowing me to appreciate the feeling.

However, I found that blushing, panic, sweetness, all kinds of girlish feelings seemed to have left me, and the generous chest gave me a feeling of family.

family?

No, I have my own family, my father, my mother, my sisters, my brothers.So what is this, incest?

"I'll give you a new home, okay?"

Only then did I feel relieved, laughing at myself for forgetting such a simple fact. There are not only blood family members in this world.

But how many years does it take to transform from a stranger to a family member?How much understanding and trust is required?

learn?Knowing enough, everything is tacit, and the tacit understanding is extraordinary.I know he said it because my time was numbered, and he knew I said it because he was my lifeline when I was drowning.

trust?That was a complete joke.The only trust is that I believe that he is hiding many things from me, and he also believes that I am hiding many things from him.

Oh no, and we all believe that these concealments will not affect anything.

At least some of them, besides this, are true.